Counting Sheep

I am awake,

I just cant sleep. I am too busy counting all the sheep.
I'll sleep when I am dead, that's what is often said,
all the while I'm just here wishing for a bed to safely lay my head.


-M.D.L

Track Marks

The Kiss stain marks he left across my body were minimal damage 
compared to the marks he left strewn across my soul.

-M.D.L

Breakable.

I am so


upset. Upset at the fact that people try to shelter me. That they don't think I can handle pain. I have been in pain most my life, with a smile on my face. It upsets me that when I want to feel pain, when I want to cry and shout and be angry it is not allowed. It is not allowed because for people around me that is not who I am. I am not that girl. I have to be strong and an "adult" but what they don't tell you is that adults cry too, they feel pain too. I just want to break, just once. I want to cry because I have family problems because I have money issues and car issues, but I don't because I am all the powerful there is, all the positive. You are not allowed to be a human if you are always known as happy. The moment you break down no one on the damn planet knows how to take it because they are used to your smile not your tears. Please don,t shelter me, let me cry let me be angry. Please do not mention that there is always the "positive side" because for once I want to feel what its like to be sad, to cry, to break because I am human  too and it is my right just as much as it is yours. Just hold me for a second and sit in silence so I can prove that I am not made out of a happy fairy tale, I am not some princess. I am just as breakable as you are, just because you don't see it doesn't mean I don't break alone in my room in the dark. Just for once world, let me crumble, because often crumbling is necessary for rebuilding.

In a State of Finding Strength

I have 

been thinking a lot lately about strength. What does strength even mean? Well, in the dictionary the definition of strength is "the quality or state of being strong". I always have thought it was funny when the dictionary uses the same exact word to describe a word. Strength basically means strong according to the dictionary, to me that is just silliness. Think about it, Strength. That means a lot more to me than a quality or state of being, it is a way of life. It is a way to say hey, I am here and ready to kick ass. I have decided that strength is your hearts way of saying you cannot give up yet, you cannot let life beat you. I think that is important to remember. I also think that strength can come in forms of weakness. I bet you are thinking I am just as crazy as the dictionary right now, but really how often have you been weak but felt ten times stronger? Strength is weakness and vulnerability. It is opening up and being the raw being that you are. I recently was told that I am a lot more open on my blog, I explained how it is easier to be vulnerable to a piece of paper than an actual human being. A virtual piece of paper cannot judge me, it cannot tell me what I am, who I am, who or what I could be. The statement that I am more open on my blog made me realize something, its okay to be open in other aspects of my life too. Its okay to love and trust with all my heart. It is okay to show that I am just as strong off my blog as I am when I am consumed in it. I think we all are so afraid of getting hurt that we forget that within hurt comes strength. It is important to open your heart and live your life with all your being. Because if you are not living on the edge of your seat you are dying. If you are not loving and embracing the world you are not showing the world around you how great you are, how much strength you actually have. Strength to me is embracing hurt with open arms, it is understanding that in order to know what strength is you must be vulnerable first. You must tear down walls and build up fences instead. Strength to me is a powerful state of being to be in, one I think I will choose more often.

Shine On

You 

Are built from a raging fire. From every past mistake, every lesson learned. You are a solid rock foundation formed from the stones thrown at you from past lovers. You are all the good in the world and all the tides of the sea. You are strong and vulnerable all at the same time. You spew love from you patched up heart and happiness from your old taped up soul.  You soak up love like its all you have ever known and you radiate it just as easily. You lay so much on the table and expect nothing in return. You are a hurricane, a one woman army. You are the seasons and the shedding of all the bad there is in the world like the leaves falling in the fall. You are your first kiss, first heartbreak, and the first words spoken from your lips. You are a shooting star, in a galaxy of rotating planets. You happened on purpose. You are just as necessary as the stars in the sky and just as strong as the chants you whisper to yourself on your bad days. You are all there is to life and love and so much more.  You are a golden ticket found in the rough. This is your life and you are so much more than deserving of it. This is your legacy, make sure you raise hell and love deeply. You only get one shot to be the magnificent being that you are.

Shine bright baby. 

I Enjoy You

Man

whore. That is what he called himself. I saw him differently, I  have since I met him. I always fall for those. Shut off emotionally, jaded men. He told me "I enjoy you" and I never quite knew what he meant. "I enjoy you" I repeated it often to myself when I was alone contemplating what exactly it meant. How many people in my life can "enjoy me"?  How many people can I enjoy? I came to the conclusion that there are a lot of people I enjoyed to be around. You can enjoy anyone cant you? You can enjoy that stranger who tells you they like your red and white sweater. The words made me feel like an option, like its something that is everchanging. There are two definitions to the word "enjoy" one is to take delight or pleasure in an activity or occasion. Was I an activity, an occasional fling? The second definition of the word enjoy is to possess or beneift from. I did not like the thought of being a possession or used to benefit from. I want a relationship that is lit on fire. I want to be more than enjoyed, but often I find myself settling, settling into the new position of an "enjoyment." It wasnt about this single man calling me an enjoyment it was about every man i have ever met calling me an enjoyment/ showing that I was an enjoyment in their own subtle ways. I want to tell you that its important to not settle. You are not an event, a short lived occasion. You are worth your weight in diamonds and anyone who decides to dumb you down, or treat you less than that needs to leave. There is a certain aspect to being valued, to someone telling you, yes I like you. Yes I want to be with you and work on this relationship, yes I want to grow with you. Anyone can enjoy you, but it takes a strong man/woman to open up their heart and like you, to show you what you are worth. Wait for that person, the person who can bring to the table just as much as you can give. People who "enjoy you" are the people who teach you, who make you open your eyes to what you want. They are wonderful stepping stones for your growth but they are not a long term promise. Cherish those who tell you they enjoy you but also realize that you are not allowed to settle for less than great. This is your life and you deserve a love that is ingulfed in fire and passion. Those who give you fire and passion are not those who simply enjoy things they are the ones who wear their hearts on their sleeves and love the moments.

I am Her.

In

many circumstances I am a warrior. I will not bow down and I will fight for what I think I deserve. I am made up of stardust and little broken pieces of other peoples hearts. I am as necessary as my morning coffee cup and the way my hair falls across my shoulders. I am my mothers daughter and I have my fathers hands and feet. I am growing and learning and striving to the be the best me I can be. I am all my mistakes and all my lessons learned. I am one night stands and one night for keeps. I am the way my fingers spill out words onto a blank cyber page, even though sometimes they spill out nothing. I am the way my head tilts back every time I laugh. I am a student, CNA, EMT, poet, book reader, receptionist, inventory control clerk, sales woman,story writer, and newspaper delivery woman. I am every good choice I have ever made and every night I spent in tears over the bad ones. I am a survivor of abuse and give ten times more love because of it. I am not scared, I am a head held high and a walk full of pride. I am the girl with big boobs and an even bigger heart. I am a traveler, hippie, sibling, star gazer, camper, hiker, and a lousy cook. I am a dress wearer despite the seasons. I hate jeans and I love cold pizza. I am always a smile and a raspy voice saying "hello its nice to meet you" I am someones friend somewhere, and someones worst nightmare somewhere else. I am all things me.
I am Meaghan.
and I am her.

The Red Lipstick Crusade

She

wore red lipstick like a smudge on a canvas. She wasn't ordinary, she was something to stare at. Something to marvel in. He got lost in her eyes, it was a Tuesday when they met, a Tuesday filled with smudged red lipstick and mascara wearing deep blue eyes. It got to the point where he couldn't find himself. He was engulfed in this girl, the one who wore red lipstick, talked about the stars and walked around the streets barefoot. He was in love. Her smile, that danced across her lips every time he would say her name, that is what made his love worth it. The way she carried herself from the living room couch to the bedroom, with purpose and stride. She wasn't a mistake. She was perfectly made, perfectly tied in a bow of happiness. How can you excuse a love like that? A love so much on fire that people across the isle in the supermarket could see it radiating with heat. Seeing her red lipstick meet his cheek like it was meant to land there proved that love was very much real and very much alive. She loved him like it was the only job she had, a job she took on with pride and purpose. Love from the lipstick wearing girl wasn't forced, wasn't made up, and flowed out of her heart like it was easy.
Can red lipstick do all that?
She finds herself wearing it more, just in case its the last sealing testament of their love.
oh what we will do to keep certain feelings alive.

I Believe in Sprinklers

God...

I have been alone for quite awhile haven't I? I guess you can't count that one night stand and the time I asked someone to come over just to hold me, but we have those moments moments of complete and utter aloneness. I was walking my dog tonight and realized how much I could breathe.. How I didn't have to worry about anyone and their shit or shitty excuses. it was just me and my dog and then the church sprinklers turned on soaking us both and I laughed until I cried because it's little things. Its not so much about some one to hold me... Its about being able to laugh on your own, at yourself in the middle of a funny moment. I realized after that moment, after screaming and running soaking wet that I have the power to make myself happy I can laugh and it feels pretty fucking good. It feels good not to miss someone. Not to wonder constantly what they are doing. It feels good to let go. I never thought that would be something I could say. I thought I would search for love forever. I want to thank you for letting go of me, for hurting me so bad, for teaching me that I will never find love in the arms of someone else, but in my own arms. I am a fucking warrior princess and I have finally saved myself. I am alive, the most alive I have ever been. When love is hard for you to find, open your own heart, look in the mirror and arise to the task of loving yourself because if you don't got you, who do you got? Laugh, smile, breakdown, have one night stands, call someone to hold you, run through the sprinklers this is what finding yourself looks like. Embrace everything but whatever you do, don't look back, this is growing there is no room for past mistakes. Go get em tiger!

"Watch it Wiggle, See it Jiggle"

I feel like Jello.


That's right, jello. I have learned to morph around the things that surround my life. Around people, around situations. I am gooey, wiggly, sticky jello. I have learned to be strong, but easy to swallow. You never know what you are capable of, what you can withstand until you try it. Jello doesn't need to be chewed, it stays in its form and finds a way to slither down your throat. Jello can withstand your swallowing without having to be broken down into small little pieces. I can withstand a breakup, a new job, a new apartment. I can morph. I can do anything I set my mind too. I come and I conquer and I leave with all my pieces. But how long can I do that? We all know that once Jello hits your stomach it dissolves and it disappears into a big pile of water and sugar. How long will I be like jello in its mixed, ready to go form? How bad will it hurt when I dissolve? When I am broken down into my purest form? Should I be scared? Would it be such a bad thing to finally break wide open like a stitched up cut? I think dissolving isn't such a bad thing, Jello dissolves to please. I have this persona about myself, I stand so strong, so willing to fight, to morph around the obstacles in my life. So well put together, like Jello. I am a mold,standing tall in the aspect of my life. I want to be able to break, to say hey, that actually bugs me, or hey I am allowed to cry too. I am allowed to dissolve and melt as long as I want. I want to allow myself to make mistakes, allow myself to show people that I am not just a mold. I too want to let loose, I too want to find my freedom and my place in this world. I want to find love and let it in instead of putting up this wall of steel. I feel like Jello, but even Jello is allowed to change, to dissolve, to let itself break down, to sometimes be a little weak.

Remember What You Got

I think

we all forget how much there is to live for. While your over there complaining that you don't make enough money, someone is starving and just had their power shut off. While you complain that you didn't get a close enough parking spot someone else has to walk to and from work everyday because they cant afford a car. I am sorry if you take offense to this but this generation is weak. This generation is built off of feeling sorry for ourselves when things don't quite work out. Its built off of complaining about every bad thing that happens to us from the moment we wake up until we go to sleep at night. We forget that there is still good, we forget about the little things that can bring joy to our lives because we are so busy complaining about the bad. I am sick of freaking listening to it to be honest... Yes it sucks you have to be on probation, but you made the choices that led you there. Yes it sucks that your boyfriend broke up with you but maybe it wasn't meant to be and there is someone better out there for you. While you got the news that your cell phone was shut off, someone else got the news that they have cancer. It could always be worse, yes it could always be better too, but it can always be worse. Stop complaining about the little petty things that happen to you, are they fixable? Will they eventually go away? Yes. Some other peoples issues are ten times worse than yours. Think about that for a second.. 52% of Utahns are homeless, 41% of them are families and 1 out of 50 of them are school aged children. In 2015, an estimated 1,658,370 new cases of cancer will be diagnosed in the U.S. and 589,430 people will die from the disease. In 2009 a rape was reported every 9.5 hours in Utah. Salt Lake City has one of the highest average rape rates in the state at 93 per 100,000.  How big does your problems feel now? I have my down days but I always try to remember these things, I always try to remember how insignificantly small my problems are compared to others around the world. Most of my problems will go away, will fade, unlike the side effects of rape, cancer, or sleeping on the streets. It is hard for me to be proud of the generation I live in, the generation that takes pride in selfie sticks and Facebook posts. The generation who forgets how special it is to pay for the car behind you in the drive through. The generation who doesn't understand that there are bigger issues than it being a Monday or your phone breaking. Take a look around you, open your eyes and see that you are not the only one struggling, you are not the only one with problems and your problems often do not even compare to someone else's. Be humble, be helping, remember when you're in the middle of complaining about that speeding ticket or your computer not working that these things are fixable, small issues compared to that stranger you saw sleeping in a card board box, wondering when they will get their next meal. Talk about the positive things and embrace life! Stop focusing on how stressed you are and remember how blessed you are! <3

• 
  

Hey Mr Heart Throb

His

kiss shattered my heart like glass, falling to my living room floor, how good it felt to be broken. This was a different kind of broken, the magnificent kind. I never wanted to be put back together, I wanted my heart to stay there, at his feet in a thousand different pieces. He was worth breaking for, he was my new found heart throb. When he kissed me I felt it inside my bones, they rattled under my skin threatening to jump out and into his arms. This could be it I told myself, I could get lost here in his soul quenching eyes and his breath taking kiss. This moment, in my living room with him, this could be my new destruction and oh how deeply I love to be destroyed, getting torn apart in the arms of my heart throb.

Saving Prince Charming?

Why

are there all these men that want me to come along and save them? I don't want to save anyone, I want someone I can stand beside while they save themselves. It is not my job to fix a guys broken heart that happened from their last girlfriend, its not my job to cure their loneliness, or to make them smile again. I do not want to be any of that for a man. I want men do all those things for themselves so that they can want me for who I really am, not just a helper but a woman. I want a guy who is independent and a strong healer of themselves. I don't want to fill a void or an empty hole inside them, I want to be an add on, someone who improves things that don't really need improving but it feels wonderful to have it anyways. I don't want needy, some one who claims they would die without me. I want a man who is strong enough to live without me but just wouldn't want to because he can choose not to. A man like that is someone worth being with. A man who understands that I am a choice and a mighty good one at that. One who chooses me over and over, not out of loneliness or fear of where I would be without him but because he truly enjoys choosing me, he enjoys the happiness I bring to his already happy life. I want a man who is optimistic about life, who understands that no matter how bad things are they could be worse, and they can get better. I don't want a man so full of self pity that he cannot see when I am sad too. I don't want a man who only talks about his issues and not his positives. I want a man that believes in himself, believes in his strength and his ability to conquer anything with or without me, but he would rather do it with me. I want a man who doesn't push me sexually or mentally. I want a man who knows when I have had enough arguing and gives me space. I want a man who isn't so afraid of being single that he chooses me. A man who doesn't believe that "single" is enough of an excuse to jump into a relationship. I want a man who took his time choosing me, took the time to make sure that I could be the one. I want a man who is picky about who he dates and even pickier about who he chooses to be his girlfriend. I do not want to save a man I want a man who has already saved himself. I think its important to know how to be strong and independent while your alone, that way you can be strong and independent for the woman you want to be with. No woman wants to save you, shes to busy saving herself.

Why Aren't You Texting Me Back?!

If I happen

to text you back I must really like you. I found this new thing in being single, its called freedom. I have grown to hate texting and to realize that in some point and time with humans on earth, texting didn't even exist and those relationships survived. I get sick of typing when I could be talking to you in person, I get sick of sending a text that gets taken the wrong way or ends up getting read by someones friend. Texting is so impersonal, when someone says ooh they texted me back they must like me! NO, it takes two seconds for someone to press some keys on a phone and sound like they mean what they say. Show me your face, stop hiding behind a screen, lets meet in person so that I can tell from your facial expressions if you meant what you said during our late night texting sessions... yes its convenient, but so is the fact that you have a car and some legs and that I just happen to have a doorbell for you to ring when you get here. Since I am single I have found a plethora of dating websites, where we message back and forth and always, at least once I get asked by a complete stranger "lets cuddle" no! I am not going to cuddle you, man I have never even seen in person! Do you know what "lets cuddle" is? Its a conversation filler for "I don't know what to say so I'll say something that makes it seem like I like you" yet this guy doesn't even know my favorite color yet or the fact that I don't like tomatoes, he just knows that I have boobs, look a lot like the other girl he just asked to cuddle with, and that I have brown hair. I am not just picking on men, women do it too, with their flirty heart faces and their winky faces or their "sure come cuddle!" message sent to a guy they have never even seen and most likely wont. Then once you get in a relationship its all about "WHY DIDN'T YOU TEXT ME BACK?!! WHAT WERE YOU DOING?! where are you at? who are you with? when will you be home?! oh.. your at work? shame on me.... we have all done it... in fact I have when I used to be that controlling texter...Back in the day I am pretty sure that would be called harassing... are we all that insecure? That we have to have someone texting us 24/7 all day every day? Do you need someone that far up your butt in order to function or to say they like you? When I don't respond to someones text it goes like this:
Them: well your not texting me back. Hope everything is going okay. Hope you had a good day and your not mad at me. :) talk to you later, or whenever!
Me: I am sorry I was busy.... everything's fine. Have a good day. :)
Them: Busy doing what? Ooh.. just fine?
Me: Something besides texting..... yep.
Them: Oh. I see how it is! Talk to you later then...

People get so defensive on if I don't want to text! Its nothing against you, its that maybe I am with family or with actual people who I want to give my attention to instead of staring at a bright screen and asking them huh? a million times because I am to busy "texting". I am ready to put my phone down and I wish that was okay with the rest of the world in fact I wish the rest of the world would join me...

Tattoos, Cigarettes, and Cold Shoulders

Feeling free

is a feeling that I will never part with. This last weekend I went to Crystal hot springs with some of my friends and some new acquainted friends. There was a new acquaintance that came, he was a boy and I thought he was very attractive he had blue eyes and perfect teeth. He had tattoos and smoked cigarettes (the smoking part was very unattractive) but I have a tendency to fall for men like that, men who are boys. Who pretend to be withdrawn, to pretend that the don't know how to love and don't know how to quit smoking. I threatened to throw him in the pool when we first got there and he said we will see with a smirk on his face. The moment I walked out of the women's locker room he chased me, threw me over his shoulder, and jumped into the pool with me. I died of laughter as he said "I told you we'd see" We clicked. From the moment I saw him getting into the car to come with us. I could feel it, it felt natural to be around him, to laugh with him. We spent a lot of the time at Crystal goofing off and laughing together, he danced with me to, as he called it, "the song in his head" he spun me around in the murky hot water while humming like it was the only thing he knew how to do. I laughed and asked him what we were doing and he said we were dancing even though he has never danced before. I felt free. That moment was my moment of freedom, everyone was staring at us but I just didn't care. He held my hand the rest of the trip and we took turns dunking each other under the salty water. My cousin was with us and she asked, so do you like him? Do you think you two will date? I hated her questions because I didn't want to think of them, I didn't want my hopes to overwhelm me, I just wanted to live in that moment I was having with a stranger who had tattoos and blue eyes. Just like a lot of other moments I have had in my life, that one too came to an end. Me and my cousin spent the rest of the night with tattoo boy and his brother who my cousin was dating, laughing and having fun. I fell asleep on his couch and woke up at 8:00 am with a blanket he had covered me up with. I went home while he was still sleeping, without getting his number and without telling him mine. I had hoped he would ask his brother to ask my cousin for it, but he never did.... his brother messaged me telling me sorry if his brother never talks to me, that's just the way he "is". whatever that means.... I am that kind of girl I guess "Its just the way I am":... the kind to fall for boys who don't know how to love. Who don't know how to call you back, ask for your number, or say sorry for leading you on... who are to afraid for next steps, friendships, and long term promises but you see, that is okay. Its okay because I can feel free. I can live in moments and literally dance in them. I can have fun and remember what joy someone brought me even if it was for a split second in my life. I expect more from people than they are willing, or can give and that is my flaw. Love just doesn't happen like that... life just doesn't happen like that. Not everyone will want you like you want them but just remember, that is okay because these moments, the little ones like dancing in a hot tub they make up your life and your life is pretty damn magnificent all on your own, without a boy who doesn't know how to love, who doesn't know how to say sorry or to have friends. Stop expecting and just live!!

What Does Seven Years Mean to You?

When 

your very first long time friendship falls apart try not to cry, actually I take that back. Cry as much as you want because it hurts I know. Its like your first serious breakup all over again. You never thought you and your ride or die, stand by you forever, friendship would end but sometimes with adulthood they do end. The friendship cant survive under the weight of life and its the most horrible thing to ever happen.  Mine ended at the first of this month, when I made a decision, a decision that I didn't want to pretend any longer that the inevitable was happening. My best friend and I had been growing apart for months and months, no more long phone calls, hardly any texts, we started fighting about not talking constantly. I was starting to not even know who she was, maybe it was my fault, maybe it was hers or maybe I can just blame it on life itself. She is on a different level of life than I am, she has a beautiful little girl and will soon be getting married to the love of her life, but me, I wont be there to attend (I don't think I am invited any longer). I took myself off of the maid of honor duty... I started to feel like I wasn't included in the wedding, I started to feel like I was asked to help plan a wedding for someone I hardly knew. I felt misplaced, pushed away, used, and really really sad.  I am not blaming her, I love her with all my heart. I am blaming our growth as individuals. I am growing into the young adult I have been trying to be, with attending two schools and juggling work and family time and she is growing into a woman, a woman I really do admire. She has bought a house, is settling down with someone special, maybe that's why we avoid talking.... our lives are just so different now maybe we can no longer relate to one another and that is what life does to you. I was crushed to be the bad guy, to tell her how much the pretending to be close was killing me. Her response will forever be in my head repeating itself; "Shows me what seven years of friendship means to you Meag" it killed me, every second of it, the fact that she has now deleted me off of Facebook, the fact that she is angry at me for a friendship that had already started to end and wasn't my fault. It ended the moment we stopped talking for whatever reason, the moment we stopped confiding in each other and calling each other when we were sad, stressed, or even happy. I am just as angry as she is for the loss of our friendship, I am angry about how much I feel replaced by a man she loves, how much she no longer confides in me and confides in him instead. I am angry that I cant understand that because I have never been in love, I have never attempted marriage or moved in with anyone. I cannot begin to understand what she is going through because I have never been there but I also couldn't continue to try so hard to understand when life would push me away from her. One of the friendships I hold most dearest to my heart has ended... and my life will forever be changed by that. I will always love my best friend because no matter what that is what she will be, no matter how much our friendship has died or grown apart. I wish her the very very best in life always. An ending of a friendship is hard, very hard and I hope you never have to experience that or have to be the one to say you are sick of hurting over a friendship that is falling apart. Life isn't always easy and I am sorry for that, but the hard moments are what gives us strength just remember that. People enter and leave your life for a reason weather you like it or not, embrace it.

Awaiting Love

I ran,

Thought, prayed, and pondered so long that the people who once loved me have now forgotten how. Don't stop to think about love, just do it. Shine it out of your body like a raidiating sunbeam. If you do not love darling, how do you expect others to love you back? Without love what you'll receive is darkness, darkness that a light switch isn't able to help. Tell them you love them, for love waits for no one, not even you.

A Heater for A Back

I woke

up with you on the side of the bed next to me, in the spot you always used to be in, in your bed. Your hair was a frazzled mess and you were sleeping peacefully. My chest was against your back and I could feel your body heat radiating, serving as my heater. I missed this I thought to myself, I missed you. It had been to long since the last time I watched you sleeping, since the last time I felt your skin against mine. I would sacrifice a lot for that moment, I decided because in that moment I knew what love was. I knew that through all the bullshit at the end of every day this is where I wouldn't mind waking up and falling asleep. I could watch you sleep like that for hours, watch your back rise and fall with every breath, listening to you breathing not in a creepy way but in a way where I admire your whole being, everything that you are. I knew I would have to get up eventually, go home, go back to us not talking, go back to reality but in that moment time froze and all I could feel was love and happiness I was truly, deeply, engulfed in happiness. You do that to me, I hope you know. When I am with you I can forget about everything, breathe easier, I can laugh and relax. You are my only vice and that makes you deadly. That makes every time I walk away harder, that makes you unable to forget. I laid there, ran my fingers through your hair and said your name to try and tell you I was leaving, daylight was coming and reality was calling my name. My heart was pulling at my body, telling me to stay in that moment, to keep my fingers in your hair and my chest against your heater of a back. You woke up, rolled over and wrapped your long arms around my body, pulling me into your chest and squeezing me tight like you also knew this could be the last moment we had. There were so many things I wanted to say, that I wanted to ask you in that moment but I didn't want to ruin it, our secret fantasy of love. For once I wanted to keep the moment sacred, I didn't want to fight about what we were and what we were not. I already knew what we were and what we weren't and both of those things were a tragedy and I would never persuade you to believe otherwise so what was the point of discussing it? In reality, we were two people who have become strangers lying in a bed together for one last time. When I thought of it that way, it made me sad it made me realize how much our story has effected me, how much it has torn me apart yet also pulled me together. You were the best and worst thing to ever happen to me all at the same time. I think that's why I tried so hard to keep our love alive, why I came over and slept with my chest against your back. Why I lied to myself, telling myself it will be okay, telling myself to not ask questions just enjoy this moment because sometimes the questions aren't worth the destruction of a perfect moment like the one we were having. That perfect moment was shaken awake anyways, by daylight and by my own realization of reality. The things we will do for love, to feel loved, to share a moment with someone else are insane. We would cause our own self destruction if it meant holding on to one last glimpse and shimmering hope of love.

Perceptions Need Saving too.

The world

was so much simpler when you believe that everything in the world is genuinely good. When you didn't realize that pollution was ruining the earth, when you didn't realize that one day that boy you played tag with at recess will eventually break your heart. When things are genuinely, truly, unmistakably good. You don't realize that things aren't so good until your left crying on the bathroom floor for nights in a row. Until you go to every pitch fork, sign holding event to fight for the planet you live on. The pain that people feel is unexplained until you feel it yourself. You don't understand why your mommy cries late at night until you grow up and your the one watching your tears fall as you say to yourself "ahhh here it is, the moment I told myself I would never have, the one I would never understand." You grow up and fairy tales disappear, the things you were unaware of and could never dream of happening are happening. The world becomes not so much of your imagination anymore and you are left to wonder what happened, had the world always been like this? You stop believing in the good, you stop believing that some man somewhere out there is destined to not break your heart, to save you. Any second you walk out your door your destined to break, break in ways you never would have imagined when you were five. People teach you these terrible things, how to fill your heart with bitterness, how to blame your broken heart on a person instead of  wrong timing, or a wrong connection. You are taught that people are cruel, that they ruin the world and they ruin your heart, your self-esteem, your hope, your ego. The forget to tell you about the little moments, the moments where for a split second everything is okay. The times when the pollution creates the most beautiful sunset, and for a moment you forget that the red color in the sky is caused by pollution from our cars. You forget about that homeless mans smile as you handed him some food on your way out the grocery store. You forget the time that person who broke your heart actually saved you, actually helped you discover little pieces of yourself you didn't even know existed. People forget to mention the times you wake up and right outside your window is a full moon, reminding you of your purpose and what your life is worth. You forget. We all forget what life is actually worth. How much fairy tales there actually are in the little moments, how there are different ways we could look at the scenarios that we cant fix. Maybe the world is genuinely good, maybe you don't have to be angry about your broken heart. Maybe there's a little piece of you that remembers to smile, that remembers that life happens and everything is going to be okay. Some things are genuinely good, like sleeping in on a  Saturday, or waking up early on the exact same Saturday to run your heart out, with nothing but the sound of birds and the pounding of your own two feet. There is magic in the way that stranger stares at you in the grocery store and there is magic in that kitten you found on the side of the road because someone left him there in a box, without even a blanket. There is good in the moments you choose to make good, its all about perception and the way your willing to see things. Is it an abandoned kitten, or is it now a kitten who has been saved? Perception Perception Perception. Maybe you saw things as genuinely good when you were little because that's what they were, because you believed no differently, no one taught you otherwise. Possibly the same thing can happen now. maybe the world could be genuinely good because you refuse to see it differently? Change your perspective and you change your life...

Throwing Out The Television

Last

summer I went to California to visit my grandpa. He lives in a little house with no TV and tons of books. Entering his house was like entering a different world, a world full of calmness and cigar smoke. The atmosphere of his house was relaxing and welcoming. I had never really entered someones house and got the feeling that I received in his. There has been homes I have entered that are calming and make you feel welcomed, don't get me wrong but not quite like his. My grandpa is a wise man, who believes in turning to the land in order to find peace and love in your own heart. He believes in discovering parts of the world that make you feel whole, parts that are untouched and not tarnished by man kind. He told us on one of the hikes we took with him while we were there "I don't need to get high to be high, this is my high, nature is my high you don't need drugs for that" I never realized how much I am truly inspired by him until that trip. How much I really enjoy and admire his lifestyle, it is so simple and not surrounded by material things. I told my step mom how much I want my house to be like his when I grow up, how I want only books and no TV. I want to live my grandpas life because he seems so much at peace, he understands the world in ways I cannot describe. I feel like if we were all like him we could bring so much to the world and to each other. He doesn't need a TV because all it is filled with is garbage about shooting each other and winning elections. It doesn't influence you to do good, it doesn't influence you to change. Instead of watching TV my grandpa explores the land he lives on, he takes his neighbor who is suffering from cancer to her weekly dialysis appointments, he cooks dinner with his other neighbor down the street. That is something I want to do, someone I want to be like.I have decided that this is the perfect time for me to start my lifestyle over, I am moving therefore its time to redecorate. When I tell people I will no longer have a TV they look at me like I am crazy and say "What?! Why?!" and I say for peace of my own mind. I do not learn anything from movies or TV shows its just something to preoccupy my mind for a moment,a way to put my life on pause. I am ready for board games, reading books and exploring what my neighborhood has to offer me. You only have one life to live, why should you waste it in front of a screen learning about all the bad in the world? Why would you waste it sitting when you could be inspiring? Thank you to my grandpa for being such a great humble human being and for teaching me that life is short and you should explore and learn while you can.

New Adventures

Here we go...

again, I am moving again.

I have rather become quite a pro at it, packing things in boxes and loosing my sanity along with shoes and the underwear I swear I didn't pack on purpose. I move a lot, I have since I was eighteen but luckily for me its short distances. I say if its more than an hour away from my parents its to far. I am a daddy's girl therefore I cant move far away. In fact this move is the closest I have been without actually living with him, its down the street a little ways and around the block. I am excited for a new adventure and this time its without roommates again. It will be just me and my loneliness in a little duplex. That is why I am taking the next biggest step in my life, I am getting a puppy! His name is Jacksen, he is an eight month old Chihuahua and Pomeranian mix and he stole my heart the moment I saw him on a pet finder website. I went to meet him last week, we went on a walk and he licked my face until I couldn't help but smile. He has had a sad life so far, his previous family were moving and decided they didn't want to take him with them. They left him outside to fend for himself until their neighbors found him and took him to the rescue. He arrived at the rescue suffering from worms and phenomena.  He has been with the rescue for about three months now, no one has wanted to adopt him because he is attached to his adoption mom. Every time he sees her he jumps into her arms instead of yours and people think that means he doesn't like them,when in fact it just means she is his security blanket. I want to be his new security blanket, he is so loving and such a sweetheart! Jackson and I are going to conquer moving together, I think he is an angel sent to me. I cannot take him home until I move (So After April 1st) and he has since been to another adoption fair, still no one has adopted him. I like to think he is waiting for me. I think he could be a great adventure for me at this time in my life. I have gone through a lot, getting used to being single, being alone and also being diagnosed with anxiety. From what I can tell, it seems like Jacksen suffers from anxiety too which makes us quite the pair. I cannot wait to start this new adventure in my new home with my new best friend! New adventures set my soul on fire. I have been so excited all week about taking Jacksen home. I even went to pet smart and bought him toys so we can discover which kinds he likes. I am nervous that I will not be a good mom to him but I think that will all go away when I get him home. I am excited to see how much Jacksen helps me grow as a person and I am excited to decorate my own apartment again. Do not be afraid to take on new adventures, to do things that are not in your comfort zone, to do things that will make you happy.

My New home <3

2 am Heartbreaks

My heart is racing 

I can feel it deep down in my core, yearning to say yes. Yearning to except heartbreak into my life. The hardest thing that you will ever have to do is to say no to heartbreak. You see, heartbreak doesn't represent itself like it is. It doesn't show up knocking on your door filled with tears and sorrow. It doesn't show up at 2 am and end up with you on the bathroom floor sobbing telling you to eat a gallon of Ben and Jerry ice cream. Nope, heartbreak is smarter than that. Heartbreak shows up at your door in the form of a brown haired, blue eyed boy saying sorry and to forgive him, that he is different. It shows up all dressed up and ready to have the potential to be whatever your heart desires. Heartbreak is evil that way. It wears a mask and hides the pain, the tears. It shows up as a friend request on Facebook or a "like" on a photo you posted sending a shock to your system without you even knowing how it happened. Heartbreak will always be everything you ever wanted tied up in a bow and delivered to you with promises that its something different. The hardest part is convincing yourself that its not, nor will it ever be anything different. Its package is different, filled with different promises, different hopes but underneath it is dying to tear you apart, to watch you in your 2 am moments as you cry, staring at the tiles on your bathroom floor that are now a blur. Heartbreak sends you in circles and eventually leads you right back where you started, shattered and empty. Heartbreak is your own personal demon, you know how it will end but its package is so perfectly wrapped, so full of hope and arms that could keep you safe, at least for the moment. So you give in, you embrace your heartbreak and you wrap it in your arms until it decides to swallow you whole, until it uses you up and spits you out. Then 2 am comes a lot sooner than you thought and your left there, surrounded by your own heartbreak, the heartbreak that was once not so heartbreaking. Your engulfed in it and you feel it in every inch of your body, in the heaving sobs that wont stop, the feeling that your own heart is being tugged right from under your rib-cage. Heartbreak is tricky like that, it knows you. It has seen you around many times before. Heartbreak is smart and it knows how to come in the form of love, in the form of something you'd always hoped it would be.  Heartbreak comes dressed up as everything you have ever wanted, it comes as a fairy tale, most of all it comes in a camouflage of love. Heartbreak is your own personal, up close demon, heartbreak is love in its purest form.

Medicated Monsters

Monsters

are real. I know this because they jumped down my throat and tried to take over. The doctor said it would be trial and error before I find out what medications work best for my anxiety. She put me on some strange medicine with a name I cant pronounce and said we would try that first. The medication takes four weeks to seep down into your body and take away the anxiety, or help it at least. I have been taking it once a day, every morning for awhile now, I stop counting the days. The first side effect I got was yawning. Strange I know. I yawned constantly, Every. Single. Day. I thought to myself, okay if this is the only side effect I get then I can deal with that, no big deal. Then the dozing off came later, falling asleep at work, being half out of it, not being able to stay awake and do my homework or daily tasks. I thought maybe it was just all the stress and not being able to sleep until yesterday I drank two Monster energy drinks and still managed to nod off during class. I have felt out of it, not myself, and constantly tired.
Then last night happened.
I got home from class and my roommates were having a little get together, playing twister and drinking, usual young adult things. They didn't really acknowledge me when I walked in the door, so I went to my room. I felt sad, upset, like I was being shoved out of their friend group, (that wasn't like me, usually I wouldn't care) then one of my roommates came and asked if I wanted to play, I said no. Something in my head told me I just wanted to sit there and be sad. It was around 10:30 and I decided I would shower. I don't know if it was a mix of my medicine and the hot water but the moment I got in the shower I had bad thoughts.
Really Really Really bad thoughts.
A monster climbed in my brain and was fighting my good thoughts with bad thoughts. I guess that's the risk you take. Medicine can be your worst enemy and you never even expect it, its supposed to help you right? There are pill addicts, people who overdose, and then there's me, someone who gets an increased appetite for suicide. I was fighting a demon, in the shower and know one even knew. It was my medicine in my system, all the sharp objects around me, and me. For those of you who know me, you know that is not who I am. I would never in my life think of doing something as selfish as killing myself but at that moment a dark voice was telling me "do it, do it, you will feel better, at least cause a little pain, it will help."
I saw my razor and the monster in my head was telling me to use it as a weapon, while my sanity chose to throw it out of the shower. I was in a war zone, and I was scared. Never have I had to have a battle with my own self. I took the fastest shower ever, I don't even remember if I brushed my hair, everything was becoming a weapon and I just wanted to close my eyes. I climbed into bed and luckily I woke up this morning, I beat my monsters, the demons were gone.

I woke up today and didn't take my pill. The doctor said trial and error, and she was right. A huge error. I will call her today, explain what the monsters have done and then she will prescribe me  a different monster. I am scared, but I want help. How many pills can you try? How many will cause me to lose myself? All I want is to be normal, but none of us are normal. All of us have issues, some are just worse than others. I will fight every demon until I feel okay. For the first time in my life I can say I contemplated suicide, or something in my head did, but I survived. Please do not let your monsters eat you alive. Whatever your monster may be. Weather it be addiction, drugs, suicide, sadness, loss, pills, depression, or even anxiety. Fight. Your life, like mine isn't worth losing I promise. Fight like the warrior you are, everything will be okay in the morning.

Packing Up My Heart

I never

realized how much living or being with someone else can make you lose the part of yourself you enjoy most. I think that is what scares me most about relationships, losing myself when I have just come to discovering who I am.(I am sure you have heard that before) I want my house to be colorful, fun, with lights everywhere and he wants black leather couches, black furniture, and no dog (he's allergic). I cant do it. I cant sacrifice the part of me that will always be wild, the part of me that feels for adventures and an apartment that screams so.  I want the lighting to be everything, and my home to be welcoming and fun, I guess that's the gypsy/boho part in me. I like pretending though, that I could be normal, that I could live with someone and choose black furniture, live without streams of lights and candles everywhere and without a dog. That I could be that perfect roommate or girlfriend. I secretly cant. I scream inside to look at fun designed furniture that no one would ever buy. I scream to run away from the black cabinets, and huge TVs, that's just not who I am. I have known this guy for a long time, this person that wants to become roommates, work on things and see where they go, but I am running (like always). I have always wanted that, someone who wants to live with me, someone who isn't afraid of commitment, but maybe that's because deep down I am afraid of commitment, of giving up my rights to decorate my space however I want.  Relationships are about sacrifices and I get that, but how much of myself am I willing to sacrifice? Could I live with black everything? I am not so sure. That is the hard thing about growing up I think, wanting to expand your life and your family but also wanting your freedom and yourself. I am not in a hurry, but I get tired of being alone just like everyone else does. I don't want to hurt him, but I also don't feel like I am ready. Is that a bad thing? I am ready for my own apartment with bright colors, a small dog and fun lively visitors. I am okay with living alone, with making my own space my own I can do that, its adding in someone else who has their own taste that is difficult. Maybe I am not ready to be as grown up as I thought... do you ever feel like that? Here are all my friends, getting married, having children (even my best friend) and then there's me, with my own soul, fighting to travel the world and to be an independent woman. Society says I should be getting married, working on having my first child and that is a hard thing to fight against, but I have always been a fighter. I am not and don't know if I ever will be ready for black furniture and big TV's. I hardly watch TV and black is to dark for my soul in my living space. Sometimes things just don't work out no matter how much you want them too. No matter how hard you try to mold yourself and to be a certain person. My soul is to much on fire for me to ignore it. I will forever be a lone, fighting, heart pumping, Bohemian, gypsy. I will forever fight against black furniture, TV trays, and giant TV's. Here's to running with your soul, to living wild and understanding that its okay to not have someone as wild to run with you. I am sorry I couldn't be what you wanted, but I cant sacrifice who I am.

Quitters aren't Choosers

I am 

not a quitter. In saying this I guess I am also stating the fact that I am stubborn, a go getter, hard headed if you will. I have never been one to back down from a fight (mostly mental ones) I have recently piled my plate full. Its toppled high with work and attending two schools at once (online school and EMT training) and family. I told myself that I am young and I can handle it. I got this! I took my first EMT block test and failed with a 64 out of 100. That should have been my first sign, besides the fact that I have bought flash cards for the class and have been to busy with my other class to write down the vocabulary words. I have a hard time studying because I feel like I am always studying; at work, at home,the days I don't have class, on every Sunday. I am young (like stated before but in a different tone)! I want to have fun and it seems like taking two major courses at once is to much for me to do that.  There is so much going on in my life right now and my plate has become part of a balancing act, a rather tough one at that. I decided I had to decide what I want before I burn myself out. I am not a quitter, but I needed to learn how to be a chooser. What do I want? What can I handle to keep doing? I decided I wanted both of them. EMT training and my online school. (I also wanted to keep my job) but what I didn't want is the overwhelming feeling. In result, I became a chooser. I have chose to take a break from online school until I am finished with EMT school and then I will hop right back on online school. They both are major courses that could help my career and they both deserve my undivided attention. What I am trying to say is know how much  you can handle. Know when you are too overwhelmed and do something about it. There are always ways to make your life work but you have to choose the best decisions for you to make yourself happy. Now there are definitely restrictions on my choice. I do not have the choice to take a year off of online school, I do not have the choice to not go back at all. My decision was to stop online school until EMT school is finished and that is the rule. If I was someone who didn't have the responsibility instilled to go right back to school then taking time off wouldn't be a choice for me. That is what life is all about, figuring out your choices and what choices will benefit you the most in the long run or what ones will tear you apart in the long run. I am excited to be able to truly focus on both schools so that I can pass them both with flying colors. I am also excited to not feel so overwhelmed and so worried about what my test results will be in both courses. You have got to keep your mental health to a healthy level or you will suffer. Do not be a quitter but learn how to be a chooser, a chooser of your own life path.

Rough drafts and Candles.

It is

11:06 PM and I am wide awake. Due to the fact that I have the cold/flu that has been going on. I thought to myself what better thing to do than to sit here with my candles flickering and to write a blog post. My room is the definition of peace and tranquility so it is as good of place as any to write on my blog. I have recently been thinking about things, about ex's, new encounters, new friends, old friends, and of course old encounters. My life has been filled with people coming and going. Of people loving me and then changing their minds or loving me and not changing their minds. I have been thinking about how this has made me who I am, how the universe has blessed me with lessons, with love, with kindness. I thought how great is it for once to be alone and not actually feel alone? I used to sit in my room while my boyfriends were busy hanging out with their friends and think about how much I hated sitting here. I hated thinking and reflecting on my life and the person I was because I wasn't happy, I wasn't enough for myself. I had to always be busy. There was no such thing as tranquility in my life at the time. I was not in any way, shape, or form at peace with myself. I don't know why that is, if it was insecurity, past decisions, or past relationships I just felt the way I felt and the way I felt was miserable. I am alone more now than ever, no boyfriend, my best friend is getting married, my siblings are growing up and getting jobs and for some reason something hit me that told me that all this was all okay. That it was okay to be alone because in reality I am never ever really alone. Its okay that life happens, and sometimes it happens without you and you get to sit and marvel about how good it is for others to be happy. How good it is to sit with yourself and just watch. I never wanted anything. I just wanted someone to love me. I came from a shitty past of people not loving me enough, and the biggest part of it was one of those people who was not loving me was myself. I have never told myself that, I always blamed my unfulfilled needs on someone else. Until I started spending more time with myself and realizing what I was doing to me, to my self-esteem. I am so happy with where my life is at now. I am happy to be single, I am happy to be surrounded by good loving people. I am so damn happy that I found my tranquility, that I said enough is enough. Please for your own sake do not forget what it feels like to love yourself. Do not suffer yourself for the sake of others. Be at peace with who you are, be happy with who you are. Your love belongs to you. Think about that, your love is yours to do whatever you please with it. Do not just throw it away. Live in this moment, grab your own tranquility.


( I wrote this a couple weeks ago and never posted it. I kept it as a rough draft for who knows why. I am just going to post it now because I love it.) Stay beautiful my friends!

Jerks and Toxicity

I read

an article today. It was about how to remove yourself from a toxic relationship, whether that be friendship, lover. etc. There are so many articles these days about things like that, how to know when its time to break up, how to know "he's the one", how to know if your compatible. Garbage. Garbage. Garbage! If you have to take a little five question quiz to see if you love someone or should break up with someone then you probably aren't in love and you probably should break up with them. I am being harsh I know. But seriously, do you think a computer screen, made up five question test is going to teach you about love? Some article is going to explain to you why you should leave your boyfriend/girlfriend when the person writing the article knows nothing about your relationship? Here is the key. If you find yourself questioning things then you probably already know the answer. If you have to Google if you should break up with someone then you probably already know you should.  Its just hard. Its hard as hell to walk away but let me tell you something, getting out of an off and on, unstable relationship made me realize something. If you have so much to complain about in your relationship, he doesn't show me affection, I cant trust him, he is never texting me back, he is never calling me, WHY IS HE LIKE THIS! Then its time to put on your big girl panties and walk away. If he is like this, and you choose to stay with him, you choose to put yourself through heartache, confusion, and anxiety then who is really the jerk? You are, NOT HIM. You sure as hell are not being kind to yourself. You aren't doing what you know needs to be done to heal yourself, to make yourself happy out of fear. Fear you'll miss him, fear because you love and care for him. Is that fear going to be any worse than what you are going through right now? Probably not. Staying with someone who doesn't fit you doesn't make that person the Jerk. It makes you a jerk because you are willing to do it. You are willing to sacrifice your self worth, your self love for someone who cannot meet your needs as a human being. You are the one being an asshole, a jerk because you are not realizing the harm you are causing to yourself, letting someone cause harm to you. That is not fair. If you are willing to put yourself through pain, you should ask yourself what made me think this is okay? Why am I sacrificing my needs? Its not about the other person not texting back, not showing affection, ITS ABOUT YOU! Its about you letting that happen to yourself. You have choices, He/she sure is hell isn't making you stay SO WHY ARE YOU? Your job is to love yourself and you have to decide what that means, what choices you have to make to do that. STOP BEING A JERK TO YOURSELF and putting up with people who make you feel bad! The only way to be happy is if you put yourself and your needs first, so do it. Putting yourself first doesn't make you mean, it makes you SMART!  Eliminate the toxic people in your life, you do not need them, toxicity isn't love.

Birthdays for Angels

Today 

is my grandmas birthday. Except my grandma isn't here celebrating it with us, shes celebrating it with angels. (if angels even celebrate birthdays). I am sure they do and I am sure she is doing the "put the lime in the coconut dance, we used to do in the kitchens at family parties in a line, with all her angel friends on top of the clouds. Two days ago was my birthday, and on the day before my birthday I went to visit my grandma. I had to because I was turning 21 and I had some questions to ask her. I wasn't ready to be turning 21 without her here. I sat by her grave and I talked to her. I asked her so many things and I cried. I sat there and cried because I wished so much that she was there to respond, but it was sunny outside in the month of February and the sun warmed up my back. I took that as a sign that everything was going to be okay, that turning 21 might not be that hard. Today is a happy day because it is her birthday, but there are clouds in the sky and its hard because she isn't here to hug and laugh with us. Her being gone never gets easier. She was our angel on earth and now shes our angel in the sky. I am scared about how fast time is going and how long she has been gone, it feels like we lost her yesterday. My cousins are growing up without her here, I am growing up with out her here and that makes things hard. I know shes watching us, noticing how wonderful we are becoming but its hard not to be able to hug her or hear her laugh. Its hard to not miss her, to not think about her everyday. I wonder what she would say if she were here, I wonder what kind of party we would be having and if she would lie about how old she was and laugh her warm laugh. My birthday was hard without her, and her birthday is even harder without her here. My Facebook news feed is filled with my family members posting pictures of her and all of us, smiling and laughing together,to telling her happy birthday. Its good to see her face covering my computer screen, its good to see how happy we all made her. Its good to see her smile. I know in my heart that she is having a wonderful birthday in heaven. The hardest part is just for those of us who are down here, we miss you. I love you so much and I miss you grandma! I hope your birthday is going fantastic! Thanks for always watching over me.

Popping Xanax??!

My 

damn heart... I have been having this feeling since last Wednesday that my heart is going to jump out of my chest. Do you know that feeling when your about to do something scary? Like go into a haunted house or ride a roller coaster, that's how my heart feels constantly. It has felt that way for a week, A WEEK!! I once wrote on here a story about an anxiety attack I had in my work parking lot,and how I called my dad crying. Its like that feeling all over again but more permanent. I have tried yoga, working out, everything to get it to go away but it has been sticking to me. I called my grandma to ask her what doctor she went to so that if it didn't stop I could go see someone. My grandma was concerned and told me to go to Instacare instead. I went last night, I sat in the tiniest room for a little over an hour, staring at the white ceiling and listening to the three year old in the room next to mine cry. The nurse told me all my vital signs were normal and I just wanted to shout at her, WHATS WRONG WITH ME THEN??!! The doctor finally came into the tiny room, with her grey hair and tired eyes and told me that I was suffering from a severe anxiety attack. She handed me a bright red paper with a prescription for  a knock of brand of Xanax. She said once the prescription ran out  I would have to go to my primary doctor and get evaluated for anxiety and be put on medicine I can take daily that is less addictive. Then they grey hair, tired doctor sent me on my way. I never wanted to be on medication for my anxiety. I always thought it was something I could take care of and handle on my own. I thought I could conquer my anxiety and not let it eat me up inside, but I didn't realize how hard of a task that actually is. I felt defeated in a way, that I let my anxiety get this bad, what happened? Why cant I control it? Am I crazy? I am terrified to take my newly found way to cope with something that I have lived with for a long time.  I thought I was stronger and that is the worst part to me...but that is the thing, does getting help really make you weak? What if being on medication will help me? What if I will be in a better mood, less controlling over every aspect of my life? There are things you can live with, and things you cant, and suffering from anxiety is something that is very hard to live with. The grey haired doctor told me that sometimes severe anxiety attacks often feel like the same symptoms of a heart attack! Shame on me for getting help for that. If there is one thing I learned last night from sitting in that tiny room talking to a woman in a white lab coat is  that its okay to ask for help, even if it scares you to do so. I am worried that the medication will change me and I hope it doesn't because I like who I am. I am willing to try though because that's all I can do. I am ready to be better now. Do not ever think of getting help as being defeated, you are stronger than you think and braver than you know. Somethings are just stepping stones towards bettering your future, towards bettering yourself and the person you want to be. You will be okay.

You Can Have My Heart

You're

chaos was rooted into your bones and poured out of your soul like fire.
I cannot contain you, for you are your own flame and you have set my heart ablaze.
 Here I am melting from my very core while you're growing stronger.
Oh the things I'll sacrifice for love. <3

Dessert Pizza and Happiness

The other night

four girls devoured a whole dessert pizza to themselves in less than five minutes. I was included in that four, because the other three were some of my roommates. Today we are hiking Logan Canyon, to see a pretty view we found on Instagram. When I first walked through the house I live in I was so nervous. I didn't think I could live with five other girls, because I never really had friends that were girls in the first place. My palms were sweaty and I wondered the whole time if I could do it, If I could get along with all of them. If I would fit in. I have grown to love my roommates more than anything. I love that I always have someone there, we support each other, and give each other advice. I have learned so much from living with all of them. I have learned that I am not the only woman in the world who doesn't know how to cook. I have learned that sometimes its okay to eat your feelings, that drinking tea at all hours, all day everyday is socially acceptable. That women do support each other and have each others backs. I have learned that men suck and I am not the only one who has problems with them. That its okay to binge watch a television show on weekdays and even on weekends. Most of all I have learned what it feels like to have genuine friends, to live life, and to have fun. I remember how nervous I felt the first few weeks. I stayed in my room and I felt like I would never fit in. I made myself feel little because I was so afraid of what they would think of me. Then we all started to grow closer, I started coming out of my room. Now I don't know how I would feel not living with them! I would be lost. I think I definitely chose the right roommates to live with, or maybe they chose me. They have helped me grow, have taught me my worth. Have taught me about team work and talking things out. When I tell people I live with five girls they look at me like I am crazy. In return I look at them like they will never understand what dance parties are like,  what it means to have someone to lean on when your sad, what it means to play twister in your living room (and have enough people to do it), what it means to cook dinner together, to laugh until your cheeks hurt, and to binge watch television shows together. Having roommates for me has been the best adventure of my life. I have met some of the greatest, strongest girls. I have met some true friends who I know will always have my back, even if I forget to wash my dishes sometimes, or clean the bathroom on my turn. We aren't just roommates we are good friends. Thank you girls for teaching me that not all girls are mean and that I can have a good time. My heart is forever full. You guys are awesome and I love you!

Flaws and Potential

I am

a very picky lover. I pick, pull, and stretch at people until I think they have met what they are actually worth. People hide behind their flaws, using them as excuses. I just want someone to love me enough to try and fight beyond their flaws and the things that have happened to them. I am no saint, I don't hold myself higher than anyone else, but I work hard. I fight to be different, to be successful in all that I do.I want someone who will stand next to me in their own success, but no one sees themselves as worthy enough for their own success. I have been broken, I have loved all the wrong people at all the wrong times. I just wish someone would stand up and show me that they want to be the man I deserve, fight for me, please fight for me because I think I am worth it. I think I am worth becoming successful, in striving in doing my best. I think every man is worthy of being successful for himself. I am so tired of finding all these men who have so much potential but they don't own it. They don't stand up and try to build themselves an empire. Every single person deserves someone who is willing to put in just as much effort into their lives as that person does their own. I want someone who can take care of me and themselves, is that such a bad thing? Is it bad that I want someone who has ambition and goals and will do anything to reach them? You can love anyone, you really can. Its how much effort you put into that love, into being successful. I know what I want out of my life and living in a one bedroom apartment for the rest of my life, barely able to pay my rent, or doing drugs, is not an option. It just simply isn't, and how am I supposed to share my life with someone who thinks it is? I cant sacrifice my hopes and dreams for someone who doesn't think they are good enough to change their own lives or is just to comfortable to make a change. I know my worth and I have spent my life lowering my worth to settle for men who I thought could be enough. Who I thought would maybe wake up one day and realize they needed to change, if not for me then for themselves, but they never woke up. I was heartbroken every single time. I cannot do that anymore. I know what I want and I am not settling for less than that. Fight for me, show me why I deserve someone like you, why I should choose you because my happiness matters, and so does yours. We will not be happy together if we are not expecting the same thing out of life. I am expecting to build my own empire by fighting for what I want, step up and show me that you are too. Show me that I am worth it, that your own life is worth it. That you want to be as successful in all areas of your life that you can be. No one wants to marry someone who doesn't have potential to raise a family, to support their significant other, to be there for them, why would I want to date someone who doesn't? I will make some man some day very very happy and I know that because I am striving every single day to be the best me I can possibly be. Reach for your full potential, if someone is worth it to you if you are worth it. If you love someone show them, help them build an empire because everyone knows you cant build one alone. Bring all that you got to the table and fight for your damn future because I know that I am completely worth it, and so are you. Fight for me, because I am worthy.

There's Always Beauty in a Rainstorm

Sometimes I just want to cry. For no darn reason at all,  besides the fact that the world feels like its crushing me and I can't hold it up anymore.

So I cry. And thats okay... Its always okay.
There's beauty somewhere in these breakdowns.

Committing for Commitment.

I guess

I just don't want to be in a relationship. I don't know why. Maybe commitment scares me? Maybe every time I have committed to a relationship it has utterly failed. Maybe that's my fault, and maybe its not. Maybe I quite frankly don't care who's fault it is. I have recently started my own adventure. I have found more friends, more things to do, I have found more of myself. I think I am mostly afraid that being in a relationship will ruin that, will take away my freedom to be me. I don't want to have to worry about a boyfriend, I want to be able to travel, alone. Without him tagging along, without anyone tagging along. I want to be able to hang out with my friends and not have someone worry about what I am doing or where I am at. I want to spend my Saturdays and Sundays the way I want to spend them. I have gotten comfortable in my own solitude. I am comfortable being alone. I don't want anyone taking that away. I guess that's why relationships get messy for me, I start liking someone. I start getting attached and then the boyfriend thing just happens, then I feel trapped, or I feel like the relationship isn't progressing, then I rebel.  I start trying to run away from the relationship. I start picking at all the flaws I can find within the situation and then it all ends. I ruin it. All of it. So I guess it is my fault....I guess its my fault that I see no reason to get attached to someone right now... no one my age is looking for marriage. No one my age is going to settle down right now, get a house and have children. No. That happens in your late twenty's/ early thirties. So whats the point? No man my age is going to want to keep me for five years, move in together, marry me and then have children. Commitment at my age is hardly ever an option, five years is forever. A lot of my break ups have ended with the words "I just don't think I am ready to commit right now" so whats the point for me? I would rather be alone then have a boyfriend for a couple months or a year and then break up because they aren't ready to "commit".  I wanted that commitment, I didn't want to waste my time, and I also wanted to be ready for commitment too. I think being alone will prepare me for that. Will teach me what I want, and what I don't want. It will teach me to love myself so I can love someone worth committing to. I think its fine to not want to commit, but you shouldn't go off looking for someone who does if you don't.  You shouldn't invest a year into someone and then say you don't want to commit, because a year is already a commitment. I don't want a relationship because I openly understand now why men cant commit to me, because I fight for a future. Because I used to want that white picket fence and a marriage and that scares the shit out of someone who is my age. It scares people to think that they are stuck in one situation, with one person. That they could be stuck with me forever. After I thought about it that way, I realized I don't need that white picket fence anymore, I don't need a man who is back and forth about wanting me because he is to immature to imagine a future. I don't need a man who is so ready for commitment that the suffocate me, when all I want is some free time, some friends either. I don't need to try to mold someone to want the things that I want. I need myself, I need adventures, and commitment to things like school, long hiking trips, late night movies with friends, commitment to myself. You don't always need a fairy tale prince to make you happy, sometimes all you need is to build your own fairy tale. Being alone isnt always a bad thing...

Drowning in Bills

Sometimes

I really hate being an adult. You move out of your parents house, go to college like you are supposed to, keep a steady job and try so hard to pay all of your bills. Its hard and there's days I feel like the world is ending and I am surely going to die. Such as yesterday, yesterday was good until I found out my health insurance wont cover a bill I have from the doctors (720 dollars of a bill) I had a melt down. A big melt down that consisted of literally crying to my roomies about it. I still have no idea what I am going to do to pay it off, I'm still paying on other bills such as dentist bills. My roomies insisted on having a bake sale and I laughed, then we went to dinner and I felt better because I wasn't alone to think about it.  Then we got home, they all went to bed and I was alone again. I thought to myself that I am failing. I am failing so bad at being an adult. I owe all this money just for keeping my body healthy. That doesn't even begin to seem fair. I guess I just thought that things were going to be easier than this once I became an adult, like I would grow up, have endless money and never be in debt. (We all wish!) I felt like in that moment that I wasn't doing anything right. The lady at the doctors office said "this is why we tell people to make sure their insurance will cover procedures first" I wanted to strangle her! Trust me lady, I called and they said they would! Why would I, a 20 year old college student want to take the chance and pay for a 720 bill?! See what the insurance company didn't tell me was that they would only pay for it AFTER I met my deductible and I haven't, go figure.So I was on high feelings of failure status of feeling like my world was ending and I would soon die. All I wanted to do was cry and ask myself, when would I ever get my crap together?! I fell asleep crying, but I woke up this morning and really thought about it.. Does owing money on a bill really make me a failure, because I decided to do what I needed to do for my body? What about everything else I am doing, having a steady job for a year, going to school to be a psychology major, soon starting a class to train for EMT, moving out of my parents, paying every single one of my own bills (car insurance, car payment, phone bill, rent etc.) and not even once asking my parents to help me pay them? Am I really, after all that, going to sit here and call myself a failure and say I cant pay for this stupid bill?! It might take time sure, but I know I can do it. I can do anything I set my mind to. Sometimes that happens though, you wake up and you just don't want to do it anymore, you want to give up because you feel like you wont ever catch a break! Which is reasonable, to be honest at this time in my life I probably wont catch a break for a really long time, I am 20 years old and barely starting to see what this adult thing is like. There is no time for breaks right now, its head first, smack me with all that you got, time. If I can deal with break ups, all other bills, college, work, and soon EMT school I can handle anything. I collected my barrings and all I can do is jump head first and deal with my issues, so I made a mistake and didn't get all the details from my insurance, well now I have learned. Do not let the push and pull of life tear you down. You can conquer anything, absolutely anything that is thrown at you as long as you have the will power and muster up the strength to do it. Do not let bills or other stressors get you down. You take them one day at a time and you pay them or you fix and conquer them, That is all you can do. No one said that life was going to be easy, its all a test of how much will power you have. Show the world you have it.

Maybe I am not Pleasant: I am The Wolf Only Barely Contain

Have you considered that maybe I am not pleasant?

maybe I wear lipstick so that
you will see my pretty pink mouth
wrapping around a coffee cup lid
and be distracted enough not to notice
that I am intelligent and powerful;
a threat.

maybe I draw my brows into high arches
so you will look at my unimpressed skepticism
and overlook my spiteful glare
as a trick of my silly, girlish routine.

maybe I wear my heels so high and thin
so that I grasp your attention with the sway of my hips
as I listen to the click-clack-click against the floor
and know that if you should try to overpower me
I walk on sharpened knives.

maybe when I laugh at your worthless jokes
I am really baring my fangs
waiting patiently for the day
that I sink them into your neck.

I am not made of porcelain pleasantries;
you will find that these things are my armor
to keep you at a distance
so you do not step on me and shatter
my fragile control.

I am not a husk — I am not wilting.
I am turning my head
so that the fire blazing through my eyes
does not catch on the accelerant of your sweaty palms
and burn your bones to dust.

I am not your pretty girl;
I am a fury, a faerie, a phoenix —
a forest of werewolves and wendigos
that will carve out your chest
so that the next time I paint my pretty pink lips
I will taste the copper tang of your dying breaths.


- R.K., I Am The Wolf Only Barely Contain

This is definitely my new favorite poem. Women aren't just pretty, there's fire in my eyes. 

Investments

If there's one 

thing I have learned, its that people do not understand how much work a relationship takes. People don't understand that after the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship its all about working. You have to invest, invest, invest your love into someone else or else your love will no longer grow. Love needs to grow to stay alive, just like anything else. If your love isn't growing well then sadly its dying. Not only does one person need to invest love in a relationship but both people do. If only one person is investing then only one side of their love is growing while the other one is dying. I think I did that a lot, invested my love into people who weren't willing to invest back and I didn't invest when I should have. Everyone reads fairy tales and hears stories about how easy love should be, well its not, not one damn bit. Nothing is easy so why would we begin to think that for half a second that love is easy? Everyone knows that love is the most complicated thing... it is never easy. People are always so quick to give up on their love, on their relationships if fights start to happen or if things aren't going quite as smoothly as they used to, they say they aren't meant to be and walk away. If your house has a leak do you just move? No you fix it. You mend it, patch it, call a guy to vacuum out the water, you never just walk away. If only people were like houses. You have to keep doing the little things that you did at the beginning of your relationship like holding hands, or leaving short love notes for your partner. The little things are more important than you think, they help keep your love alive, keep it growing. Invest invest invest. Just like you do in anything else, work, school, family. If both people invest the love will stay alive, if only one person invests the other person will feel half wanted and it will crash your relationship, if both do not invest, the love will fade away and there will be nothing left except the hint of love they started with. If two people don't invest in their relationship  it wont grow, it will either be stuck at the starting point or fizzled out, that's with any relationship weather it be friendship, family, or a boyfriend or girlfriend. You have to meet half way in your investment,no one can be investing more than the other. I have seen and have had a lot of relationships die over no one investing. Its not that  the love wasn't there, love has a potential to be anywhere, its that it wasn't given a chance to grow, no one invested in it. Remember that relationships take investing, love takes investing and hard work, and if you and your significant other remember this your love will keep growing and you will have something special. Wait for someone who is willing to invest in you, to give you their all no matter how much work it takes, and show them that you are willing to invest in them too. Love means investing and hard work, it means supporting each other even when leaks start to happen.