Feeling free
is a feeling that I will never part with. This last weekend I went to Crystal hot springs with some of my friends and some new acquainted friends. There was a new acquaintance that came, he was a boy and I thought he was very attractive he had blue eyes and perfect teeth. He had tattoos and smoked cigarettes (the smoking part was very unattractive) but I have a tendency to fall for men like that, men who are boys. Who pretend to be withdrawn, to pretend that the don't know how to love and don't know how to quit smoking. I threatened to throw him in the pool when we first got there and he said we will see with a smirk on his face. The moment I walked out of the women's locker room he chased me, threw me over his shoulder, and jumped into the pool with me. I died of laughter as he said "I told you we'd see" We clicked. From the moment I saw him getting into the car to come with us. I could feel it, it felt natural to be around him, to laugh with him. We spent a lot of the time at Crystal goofing off and laughing together, he danced with me to, as he called it, "the song in his head" he spun me around in the murky hot water while humming like it was the only thing he knew how to do. I laughed and asked him what we were doing and he said we were dancing even though he has never danced before. I felt free. That moment was my moment of freedom, everyone was staring at us but I just didn't care. He held my hand the rest of the trip and we took turns dunking each other under the salty water. My cousin was with us and she asked, so do you like him? Do you think you two will date? I hated her questions because I didn't want to think of them, I didn't want my hopes to overwhelm me, I just wanted to live in that moment I was having with a stranger who had tattoos and blue eyes. Just like a lot of other moments I have had in my life, that one too came to an end. Me and my cousin spent the rest of the night with tattoo boy and his brother who my cousin was dating, laughing and having fun. I fell asleep on his couch and woke up at 8:00 am with a blanket he had covered me up with. I went home while he was still sleeping, without getting his number and without telling him mine. I had hoped he would ask his brother to ask my cousin for it, but he never did.... his brother messaged me telling me sorry if his brother never talks to me, that's just the way he "is". whatever that means.... I am that kind of girl I guess "Its just the way I am":... the kind to fall for boys who don't know how to love. Who don't know how to call you back, ask for your number, or say sorry for leading you on... who are to afraid for next steps, friendships, and long term promises but you see, that is okay. Its okay because I can feel free. I can live in moments and literally dance in them. I can have fun and remember what joy someone brought me even if it was for a split second in my life. I expect more from people than they are willing, or can give and that is my flaw. Love just doesn't happen like that... life just doesn't happen like that. Not everyone will want you like you want them but just remember, that is okay because these moments, the little ones like dancing in a hot tub they make up your life and your life is pretty damn magnificent all on your own, without a boy who doesn't know how to love, who doesn't know how to say sorry or to have friends. Stop expecting and just live!!
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