Finding Love In Disaster

I recently hurt someone I trully love by doing something selfish. To be completely honest I didnt even know how much I loved this person trully until making this huge mistake. You never know how much someone can mean to you until your about to lose them. My advice,don't wait until your about to lose them to decide. It hurts more than words can describe. I dont think I have ever been trully loved by any guy I have ever been with, except for this one. Why is it that when we have something good we ruin it or run? Is it because we are scared to fall and take the chance of getting hurt or is it for our own selfish reasons? Then again, isnt it selfish to let someone fall for you, and yet hold your feelings back out of fear? Nobody deserves to fall and not be caught. I think thats what hurts the most, is that I hurt him, its not his reaction, or how I felt, it was letting him down and breaking his heart that hurt. The problem was I was to afraid to let him in so I didnt let myself have the chance to realize what he really meant to me, until I was completely honest and volunerable to him. The problem is it shouldnt of taken a mistake for me to let him all the way in. I was just to selfish and scared to think otherwise. I think you finally reach a point where your sick of putting up walls, your sick of being scared and you just want to be in love and be loved back. I think thats the point I'm at now. I'm a turtle without its shell, completely open and voulnerable to him. The sad part is it took a disaster to discover that. It took me hurting him to realize how much I loved him becuase I couldnt stand the thought of losing him. The scary part for me now, is knowing that I'm completely open and he has shrunk back in his shell because of a disaster I created. I know what your thinking, how could you of hurt him this bad if you "love" him? I'm not making up excuses or justifying myself but I always have thought its easier to hurt than be hurt. Well I was wrong. It's actually ten times harder. It's the cowardly, selfish way to distroying something that has the potential to be great. Now your probably just getting sick of listening to me ramble. So long story short, if you have the slightest feeling of love for someone, dont run, dont hide, dont ruin it, face it head on and embrace it. If you get hurt, trust me in the end it will be worth knowing that you gave it your best shot and you loved someone without fear, without hesatation, and without doubting if they love you back. Dont wait until you've screwed everything up because then you'll just be fighting a mistake you made and holding on to a thread of hope that you can make someone love you without fear, without hesitation and without having them doubt if you love them back.

Something I Realized...

Anger....

There's something I never realized about me until recently. I used to think I was this nice person who let people shove me around like the ball in that Monkey in the Middle game. Well thats true, on the outside, but on the inside I'm screaming. I hold it in like a boiling kettle, waiting to boil over. For those of you who don't know me, or my life story. I've been through hell. I'm not complaining, I know people have gone through worse, its just that my "worse" doesn't seem to get better. So, yes, I'm angry. I try not to be, but its like a feeling that creeps up on me when I least expect it and then I snap. I've never been good with feelings, I think I get that from my father, which is okay. I just wish I could understand my feelings a little better so I wouldn't end up crushing every relationship I have, which I do by the way. Have you ever felt that way?... Uncontrollable? Like sometimes you can't control yourself? It's a hard feeling. When I think I'm happy, Im really not. I've just gotten good at pretending. If  I was an actor I'd get a grammy award.. It's gotten to the point where I snap just to see if I can feel something, anything, after I get angry. The sad part is, I don't. I feel the same deep down anger and frustration that I felt before I snapped.. So my question is when do you feel something besides anger?  Is it when I let my past go?, My resentment?,My hate towards the one's who have hurt me?.... I'm not so sure. It's hard to let these things go when they keep showing up on your doorstep, over and over again with a new kind of cake each time. I feel like I have gotten bitter. Even the only man I've had a great, normal relationship with tells me that my anger is hard on our relationship because I take it out on him. but how do i stop being angry? How do you let it all go? I mean really go? How do you forget? I don't really know. I wish I did because I'm sick of being angry, especially for things I feel I've let go of. Its exhausting. I wanna let go. Im ready to be free. No more anger, because at the end of the day I dont wanna be told that I'm bitter. I wanna be the person on the outside of the Monkey in the Middle game, the one laughing her head off because she's got the ball,while the one in the middle is the angry one with out the ball, and the ball is just a ball, being shoved like it should be,Not me.. 





Relationships At Their Finest...

Ahh Relationships....

I've never been good with relationships. Any kind of relationship for that matter.It's like I try so hard to make them work, but my trying ends up being to much trying. How do you know if your trying to hard or not enough? I think maybe I'm just running scared. I used to believe in fairy tales, you know the ones where you fall madly in love with someone special, and you both live happily ever after, in a big house with two children, but I stopped believing in fairy tales after I kissed way to many frogs, or maybe the frog in my story was me. Either way, after that believing in fairy tales was no longer an option. I'm usually a strong person, but just the word relationship makes me crumble to my knees. I mean when do they get easier? maybe its after the every day fighting stage?, or after you walk in on them with someone else? Yes, I'm being sarcastic, which is probably not something you should do while talking about this subject, but what else can you do? I mean how do you know when someone is "the one"? They say you can feel it in every bone in your body, you get the shivers, butterflies, and your heart beats fast. I dont know about you, but this happens to me when I'm sick, so how do you know the difference? See this is the problem with relationships and I, there's to many questions and not enough answers. I once heard (from the TV series, One Tree Hill), that people always leave. I've come to find that with relationships this is true. We've all heard that line, you know, "it isnt you its me" well thats a bunch a bull. Your just trying not to look like the bad guy while you slowly rip soneone's heart to shreds, so my advice is to never use that line, no one believes you. Thats another thing about relationships,people become to sensitve about hurting one another.When in the end you either hurt yourself, or you hurt the other person more than you should've. There's to many lies or dancing around the truth for one anothers sake. You suffer for someone else's happiness. For those of you who have found "the one" your truly blessed, for those who think they have fouund "the one" I advise you to hold on to them for dear life, and finally for those of you who are still looking. I'm not gonna lie and say that person is out there waiting for you because I'm honestly not that sure. Just know that there's other people who are just confused about relationships as you are.

 

Ogden is what I call Home

Living Small....

Today I thought I'd tell you a little about where I am from. It's a little City called Ogden. It's one of those places that when you tell someone about it they are like "wheres that?, I've never heard of it." Which is sort of more depressing then the results you'd get if you were to say you were from NewYork or somewhere fancy. To be honest though, I love my little City. It can be wierd at times when you meet someone new and they just happen to know everyone you know, you just didnt know it.,but thats also the fun part because then its okay for you all to get together and hang out. I'm not gonna sugar coat it and tell you that the whole everybody knows everybody thing doesn't cause a lot of drama because it does, trust me. Nothing is a secret when it's capable of spreading like wild fire the moment you even think about saying it. As far as things to do, theres tons of stuff, the people living here just dont seem to realize it. Theres hiking,biking, movie theatures, free movies in the park, dancing, clubs, shopping,swimming, four wheel riding, and you know the usual stuff. So if one of us Ogden dwellers tell you theres nothing to do here, dont believe us because we are lying. A lot of people describe Ogden as a black hole, and thats because it is. Once you've lived here all your life don't expect to leave. Of course some move to another state or country for schooling, work, or just getaway time, but trust me everyone eventually comes back no matter how far they move. I guess that just means everyone loves it here just as much as I do. Well, that about sums it ubout my life as an Ogden dweller..Come visit sometime but just be careful because you might get stuck here.

Got To Thinking..

Life is like the game of Sims.

Me and my best friend, Emily, recently got addicted to the Sims game on Facebook. If you never played, you make a character, give it a name, hairstyle, even as far as skin color. After you make a vertual version of yourself you get a house and basically live a vertual life. You can pick your boyfriend, furnture, house, even earn a job to make money. Ill admit, breaking up with your vertual boyfriend and making vertual friends is a lot easier than the real thing, but all the same life is a game of Sims. God if there is one in real life, is the player and your the vertual character. He gives you tips (just like the people in the game) on how to do things. Weather you recognize or hear his tips is your choice. I think this is why I'm so addicted to Sims, its a easier version of my life. Is that so bad? Is it bad to want the easier version of Life?... I'm not so sure. All I know is if it is or not I'm still going to live in my vertual world as a Sim. I don't know if you have found an "easier" version of your life or if you just suck it up and face life head on , all I know is if your the head on type cudos to you and keep on fighting,but for those of you who are like me and have a vertual escape from reality, or are wanting one for a few seconds come play Sims with me I could use a few neighbors. 

New To This

Okay here it goes...

I have a best friend who blogs and I've decided to try it.. I'm not sure where to start except for the fact that my names Meaghan and I'm a complicated soul. If  I said I loved walks on the beach while sipping Champiane I'd be lying, for the simple fact that I've never been to the beach and I'm 18 so I've never tried Champaine either. I can be sarcastic at times and moody, but then again who isnt?? I'm a normal 18 year old who makes mistakes and practicaly lives out of her car just  because shes to busy to go home. I am afraid of heights and clowns. I would like to say I've been in love but I'm not quite sure I can say I have... Let's just say I love to much while everyone else loves to little. I dont really believe in fairytales but i think its just for the fact that I haven't found mine yet. I'm a hopeless romantic. I like to recite cheesy movie lines and sing in the shower. I also love a hot cup of coffee in the mornings even though i shouldn't. I decided to make a blog just because theres a lot of things in my life that i think should be documented, and this is a easy way to do it. weather people read it or not thats their choice. but, anywho heres my first post, a little rough but hang in there trust me I'll get better at this. I'll be back soon to torture you some more.