Something I Realized...

Anger....

There's something I never realized about me until recently. I used to think I was this nice person who let people shove me around like the ball in that Monkey in the Middle game. Well thats true, on the outside, but on the inside I'm screaming. I hold it in like a boiling kettle, waiting to boil over. For those of you who don't know me, or my life story. I've been through hell. I'm not complaining, I know people have gone through worse, its just that my "worse" doesn't seem to get better. So, yes, I'm angry. I try not to be, but its like a feeling that creeps up on me when I least expect it and then I snap. I've never been good with feelings, I think I get that from my father, which is okay. I just wish I could understand my feelings a little better so I wouldn't end up crushing every relationship I have, which I do by the way. Have you ever felt that way?... Uncontrollable? Like sometimes you can't control yourself? It's a hard feeling. When I think I'm happy, Im really not. I've just gotten good at pretending. If  I was an actor I'd get a grammy award.. It's gotten to the point where I snap just to see if I can feel something, anything, after I get angry. The sad part is, I don't. I feel the same deep down anger and frustration that I felt before I snapped.. So my question is when do you feel something besides anger?  Is it when I let my past go?, My resentment?,My hate towards the one's who have hurt me?.... I'm not so sure. It's hard to let these things go when they keep showing up on your doorstep, over and over again with a new kind of cake each time. I feel like I have gotten bitter. Even the only man I've had a great, normal relationship with tells me that my anger is hard on our relationship because I take it out on him. but how do i stop being angry? How do you let it all go? I mean really go? How do you forget? I don't really know. I wish I did because I'm sick of being angry, especially for things I feel I've let go of. Its exhausting. I wanna let go. Im ready to be free. No more anger, because at the end of the day I dont wanna be told that I'm bitter. I wanna be the person on the outside of the Monkey in the Middle game, the one laughing her head off because she's got the ball,while the one in the middle is the angry one with out the ball, and the ball is just a ball, being shoved like it should be,Not me..