Monday, November 24, 2014

Birds and Bird Nests.


Grandma

what am I supposed to do when you keep showing up? A couple months ago I wrote about a Robin, a tiny little Robin that would come to the tiny tree outside my work at the same time everyday. I was, and still am convinced that it was my grandma, coming to say hello. Recently it has become cold, snowy and rainy, winter is coming. I had not seen the Robin for a couple months and it was making me sad. I just kept telling myself that my grandma was busy, that she was helping others and couldn't always send the Robin to sit outside my work window. The first snowfall came a couple weeks ago and I knew for sure there would be no more birds around, no more Robin, and no more grandma in that form. I went home on a Friday night a couple weeks ago, and came back that Monday and in that same little tree, on the same little branch that the Robin used to sit was a birds nest! A tiny little birds nest. I thought I was going to cry with excitement! Birds don't make nests in tiny little trees in the beginning of a cold winter!! My grandma had the little Robin  leave a nest, to show me that she is here always, through everything. This little nest has survived winds,and all the current snow storms, hanging on by a little branch in a little tree. It sits there still today, reminding me that I am not and will not ever be alone. Its not as exciting to watch as the little Robin ruffling its feathers, but it makes me smile every single time I see it hanging on to its little branch. I did some research and not all robins fly south for the winter, Robins usually travel by food source, not climate. It is possible that the little Robin made the nest but I wasn't seeing any birds, no birds were coming or going into the little tree. It was bare, almost bare of leaves and had nothing but the little nest in it. I am so happy that the birds nest is there! I took the time to stop all my co workers walking through the lobby to point it out, many of them told me how strange it was that a bird would start building a nest right before winter and i gleamed ear to ear and agreed. Little did they know that an angel built that nest. Today, I sat looking and checking to see if the nest was still there and I noticed something moving in the tree, so I looked closer. I couldn't tell if it was just a leaf or something else, I stared for a long moment. Then I realized, it was a little Robin, sitting, staring right at me! It took everything in me to not start crying. I see you grandma, I see what your doing. Just when I feel alone and like I cant handle things you send me a Robin and it makes me feel like I could conquer the world! People might think I am crazy, but I feel it. I feel the love that overwhelms me when that little Robin is sitting in the tree. Life is about noticing the little things and realizing that the big things are often disguised as these little things. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful guardian angel. Remember that "Robins" are everywhere, even sometimes when you don't notice them or realize that its happening. There is always someone watching over you, guiding you. The little Robin let me get right up to the tree and take a picture, but the lighting wasn't very good, I also took a picture of the birds nest when I first saw it a couple weeks ago (images are on the right)  I hope you enjoy the "Robins" in your life like I enjoy the "Robins" in mine.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Love is Forgiving

My parents


(my dad and my step mom) have been married/engaged for fourteen years. Fourteen years!! Now I say married/engaged because they have never really had a "real" wedding. They have never stood at an alter and said "I do" but I feel like they knew that they didn't need that to love each other, unconditionally, forever. Watching them as I grow up has taught me a lot about love. A lot about the fact that love is forgiving. Love forgives over and over again. I think the act of love is mostly that, learning to forgive and accept people even with their faults. They both screw up, they both get mad at each other and yell and tell each other that they suck but at the end of the day they go to bed together, laughing and telling each other they love each other. I want a love like that. I want a love that is messy, yet it never gives up. They have been together for fourteen years and I have never, not even once seen them not hold hands through the grocery store. I have never, not once seen them not kiss each other at least once a day. Their love is undying. They are always smiling and loving each other by the end of the day, no matter how hard it might seem. It is not always perfect, but no one told us that love was perfect. In fact I think that is just something we make up in our head, some vision we think love should be. It shouldn't be though because if it was you wouldn't have to make choices, you wouldn't have to choose everyday to love someone, you would just love them and that would make everything too easy, it would make love boring and dull. I want a love I have to fight for, a love I have to even fight with. Do not expect someone you love to be perfect, I mean has your parents, siblings, grandparents, been perfect? No. Yet you still love them, you still forgive them, so why would you expect your significant other to be perfect? My grandma and grandpa have been married for forty something years, they do not sleep in the same bed or the same room because my grandpa has MS (Multiple Sclerosis) and it is hard for him to sleep, yet their love is very much alive, very much undying. No matter how many times my grandpa runs into my grandmas nice painted walls with his wheelchair and says he's sorry every time, she loves him. Even though she has to bathe him everyday, and cut his hair with the clippers as he falls asleep sitting up in his wheelchair every other Tuesday, she still tells him she loves him every time she leaves the house. Love is forgiveness, it is taking the bad and saying all that bad, all that work is worth the end result. It is worth the hand holding, the I love yous, the laughs and the ability to spend time with one person for the rest of your life. My grandparents have been with each other longer than they have been alone.  Think about that. They have been next to each other day by day, longer than they have spend days alone, and they are happy with that. They are more than happy. Their love is hard, it is a lot of work for my grandma since my grandpa cannot do a lot by himself. A lot of people ask my grandma how she does it and how she hasn't just walked away yet. She always looks at them as if they are crazy and says, because I love him, how could I possibly leave my husband who I love, like that, in his state alone? That would be selfish of me wouldn't it? That is always her answer, love. It doesn't matter that my grandpa can no longer walk, that he has night terrors, he cant make his own meals and he is losing his eyesight, my grandma has undying love for him. For everything that he is, the caring man that he is. That is true love to me, sacrificing easy moments you could have alone for hard ones to help and support someone else.  Love is undying, no matter the circumstances, Love is all about how much you can live with, Love is forgiveness, an act of selflessness. Love is taking someone for the good the bad, the ugly and loving them through it all.  Love is forgiveness and I want a love that is forgiving, a love that is undying, a love like my parents and grandparents.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Finding comfort

This


feeling is so raw. It just eats me up and spits me out. One day I am fine, the next I want to crawl deep under my cold sheets until they swallow me and never allow me to come out. My heart beats fast and I feel like if I just move wrong I will burst into tears, I will completely break down. No one tells you when you are diagnosed with anxiety or depression that you will live. No one. No one says if you just take deep breaths or bake a cake it will all go away, and that is because it doesn't. You live with this every damn day. Its a struggle and it is very much real. Its frustrating how real it is. How much it reminds you that its there at random times of the day. I can be happy, so so happy and then I get down on my knees and I give in and I break over and over again. The daily struggle wakes you up, like splashing cold cold water on your warm face. I fight everyday to be who I want to be. I fight everyday to not give up, to not bow down. If you have anxiety or depression, or you are like me and suffer from both I want to tell you something. I am sorry. I am so so sorry that something in your life made it hard for you to cope normally, to deal with everyday life. I am so sorry that you struggle. I am here to tell you though that you can overcome this! One thing I never wanted is to let myself become what I was diagnosed. I never want to be known as anxiety or depression and I tell myself that every time it swallows me up. "This is not me" You are not your disease, you are not your sickness do not make yourself be defined by something that brings you so low. Break free! People look at me and they see someone who is always happy. I have been defined as that "your always happy, I don't know how you do it!" I know how I do it, I do it because I know that at the end of the tough days I can go home, close the door and cry alone. No one sees that side because if I allowed that I would be "that girl who suffers from anxiety and depression" "That girl who is unstable,crazy" I do not want to become that. Everyday is a battle for me, making choices overwhelms me, talking to people sometimes overwhelms me, getting out of bed is hard, thinking normal thoughts can sometimes be hard. Normal day things become difficult and I can feel my throat tightening just thinking about it, so trust me when I say I relate to you, trust me when I say I feel your pain. It hurts and it tears at you from the inside.  I have known so many people who have lost their fight against depression and anxiety, it all became to much and they chose an easier way to deal with the pain. I am here to make sure that you will not be one of those people. I know its hard, it can all be too much but I am here to tell you to fight, to call your mom, your sister, your dad, your brother or your best friend, to break down if it helps but to pick yourself back up. Do NOT let your sickness define who you are. You are much more than that. You are a sister, a mother, a daughter, a best friend, a beautiful acquaintance, a husband, a father, a son. When you are anxious about something find the guts to do it anyways, even if you start crying thinking about it. If you are depressed remember that you are loved and today is a new day and it is beautiful even if that is sometimes hard to do, believe it. You are not suffering alone. You have the strength to get through every single day. You have the strength to say that you will not be defined by anxiety and depression. You are not alone, an estimated 14.8 million adults suffer from depression and an estimated 40 million adults suffer from anxiety disorder. You are more than that, more than that statistic,so much more you are a person who is not alone. Find your support system and hold onto it tight. I know personally that some days are easier than others. You are going to be okay, I promise. Just remember who you really are "this disease, this sickness, this is not me."

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Lists of Happy

Things to be happy about:




  • Sunshine
  • Good Books
  • Strong Coffee
  • A strangers laughter
  • Sleeping with the window open
  • Being alive
  • Chocolate Chip Cookies
  • People who tell the truth
  • Dancing in the rain
  • Lists
  • Children actually playing outside
  • The first snowfall
  • Feeling Beautiful
  • Pomegranates
  • Wishful Thinking
  • Good Movies
  • Meeting new friends
  • Spending time with old friends
  • Bookstores
  • Breakfast Foods
  • Hot Showers
  • Clothes that just came out of the dryer
  • Good deeds
  • Sunsets
  • Camping and the smell of campfire
  • Rescuing Stray Kittens
  • Warm Hugs
  • Banana Smoothies
  • Discovering new music 
  • Ice cream in the winter
  • Visiting new places
  • Just being happy
   If you ever feel sad, please remember that there are a million things to be happy about and these are just a few of them. You deserve to smile, you deserve to be happy. You are loved and you have plenty of things to make you smile again. Don't give up hope, things are just starting to get better,I promise! Read this list if you ever forget what makes you happy, maybe write your own list of happiness, the world needs more happy and it starts with you :) 

Homes of the selfish

I have wrapped my own arms around my chest several times and called it healing. I have dove headfirst into my very being only to pull out wh...