Growing Up To Love Yourself

Growing up is hard sometimes. Things change. Who was once your friend no longer is, responsibilities arise and Life becomes different. But, this change can be beautiful. I have always been pretty mature from the time I was about twelve until now.Things in my life made me have to grow up fast, but I wouldn't change my experiences. Yes, some of them were hard and hurt me but they made me who I am. I am 18 years old and as far as I can tell I'm getting my life together, slowly, but its coming. When I was younger I felt like I didn't believe in myself as much as I do now. I have learned to love myself over time. I believe that that's the trick. You have to be happy in your own shoes, be proud of yourself. I know sometimes loving yourself can become a heavy task but believe me its worth it. You cant be truly happy unless you find the happiness built inside you. Find the things that make you proud to be you and do them. Weather its something little or something big, sometimes the little stuff  amounts to more, trust me. Just celebrate you all the time, live for the little moments and strive to be the best you that you can be, because in the end this life is all that you got. Don't let anyone get in the way of your happiness, and don't ever let anyone tell you who you are. I once let someone into my life who wasn't happy with himself so he took it out on me. I was headed down a very bad, lonely road that he was dragging me down until I said enough is enough. No one can ever make you feel inferior without your consent. Some great, wise person once said this and they were right. Don't give that consent. Stand tall, be proud of who you are, better yet be thankful for who you are and who your becoming, don't let anyone make you feel any different. Just be happy and make everyday a celebration of you and the life you live. After all, as far as we know this is our only life and chance to do something great. so take advantage of it.

The Ocean, People, and Other Thoughts

I recently went on vacation to Oregon  and got to see the Ocean for the first time, up close and personal. I was gone from the stresses and big decisions in my life for a week, over this time I had a lot of time to just think and let go. The Ocean is the most wonderful, scariest thing I've ever seen. As you stand in it and let the waves crash against your toes you feel calm and at peace, but then you listen and hear the roar of the waves crashing and it gets a little intimidating. When you really think about it the Ocean is a lot like a person. People    can be beautiful and calming, but then you open up to them, stand in them, and they can be the complete opposite. My step mom was standing in the water when a huge wave hit her up to the chest and almost knocked her over, it scared her but she still kept standing in the water because she liked the way it felt when the waves would hit her toes. People can hold you, wrap you up in some kind of warm welcoming and then knock you over, but you'll still stand in them because of the feeling, the warm welcoming. When does standing in something become unbearable? For me, it was when the sun went down. I could hear the waves crashing against rocks and the shore, but I couldn't see where the waves were at or the beauty of them. It scared me. I couldn't get to close without feeling nervous or on edge, so I stood back where the water no longer hit my toes and just listened. I think the same happens with people. You no longer stand in their warm welcoming once the lights are off and that person is exposed. There's nothing hiding them, no beauty, just their noise. The Ocean felt louder with the sun gone. It rang in my ears and touched my heart with a feeling of uneasiness. Yes, it was beautiful still but it didn't have the same beauty as it did when the light hit the water and you could watch the waves coming up to meet your toes. People can still be beautiful when there's nothing hiding them, but its that darkness that exposes who they really are. Without the light the Ocean is as scary as it sounds. When it comes to people, without their shell they are who they are. There's nothing there but what you really hear. There's no pretending. They can be mean and you see them for just that. There's not the same beauty you saw in them before. They are vulnerable and standing in them becomes hard. You become scared. There's no more warm welcoming, just a loud roar of what they really feel, and that's when, like me, you end up standing back, with your toes no longer in the water, and your ears wide open, listening.

CNA and all its glory

Just recently I got a job as a CNA, for those of you who don't know that means I'm a Certified Nursing Assistant. Basically I help people who need help with daily things. It's been a good experience for me so far. I've mostly learned that people aren't always what you would hope they would be. Not everyone cares for each other like they should. Some people just see it as a job and lose sight of why they started helping people in the first place and that breaks my heart. I've always wanted to work in a field where I get to help people and make a difference in someone's life, but I never knew it would be so frustrating at times. I thought  that everyone who would have a health career would care about people as much as I do, but that's not the case, some just care about the money the get. I guess what I'm saying is regardless if you work in health care, fast food, or don't have a job at all you should always treat people with respect and dignity. No one deserves to be treated badly, regardless of the situation. Always be the bigger person and stand up if you see someone treating others badly, because the person getting picked on could be you. Be a nice caring person even if sometimes you don't want to be. Because that person your picking on is someones mother, daughter, son, father, they are someone's somebody. If you want respect you have to give respect. We are all the same. We are equal. We need to start treating each other like we are. Don't lose sight of why you started doing something good, and turn it into evil. We need good people in the world, so why shouldn't it start with you? We all hear this stuff through school, work training, family, friends, but still there's always something bad to steer you astray from the good. Just sit down when you start to lose sight of things and remind yourself why your good. You'll get farther in life with kindness then you ever will with being evil.                                                        Just don't forget who you are and why your a good person. Stand strong for others when they can't stand for themselves, because one day you'll need someone to stand for you. 

                                                                                                   

Frustration and Other Things...

Frustration. I feel that word a lot lately. It's like I'm not happy with the way things are going for me as of now. It's not how I planned in my head. Do you ever have that? A perfect image of how you want your life or the next few months of your life to turn out and then its not like that at all? I guess thats the downside of planning. Nothing turns out the way you think it should. I feel like I'm crumbling. Everything I worked so hard to get and keep together is falling apart slowly. I'm okay one second and then the next somethings changing and I feel my okayness slipping away. Is that a word, okayness? If not it should be. I just feel like I should stop trying so hard, like maybe if I let go things couldn't fall apart. I just wanna feel okay always, I wanna be happy with me and where I am at in life 24/7. Because the breakdowns are killing my soul. The reality of  people and the world not being what I thought it was sucks. I want to believe in goodness, true happiness, and making not only you but others happy. I don't think I have a selfish bone in my body and that makes it hard. I live in the shadows of others even though I was born to stand out. My boyfriend of almost two years told me he wants to join the military, wanna know what I said? I said do what makes you happy and what you feel like you have to do. To be honest though, I'm not sure thats how I was feeling. I wanted to cry. I felt like he doesn't care about the plans we have or what I want. He's okay with leaving me. The bad part is though, I didn't say any of that. I want him to be happy, screw how I feel. Is that right? I'm not so sure anymore... It's just hard to tell people how you feel when they will probably do what they want anyways. Either that or I'm to afraid of what he would say back to me....I'm never winning. I'm either speaking to much of my mind or not enough. Bottom line is I have to work on that. I'm sick of hurting for the sake of others. I'm sick of getting walked all over like the welcome matt on my front porch, but I just cant help but lay down if your feet are dirty.. it just eats me alive. Question is, when will I start living for me and standing up for what I want?..

Fam[ILY]

Today my post is about family. Now I've never had what you call a normal family, but who does? I like it that way. I have a large family, its very extended, and yes some of us don't see each other as often as we should, but the thing is I know all of them would be there in a heartbeat if I needed them. That's the thing about family, they love you regardless, mistakes, fights, no matter what. Families are strong that way. You don't have to see each other all the time to know how important you are to one another. You have some sort of bond, a closeness. You could do something terrible and they would still stand next to you and tell you how much you mean to them. What also makes a family great though, can also tear it apart. Families can be to forgiving, when sometimes you dont need forgiveness, you need tough love. Yes people make mistakes, but how many times should you forgive them for the same mistake is the question. Love for a family memeber can be overpowering. It can be so strong you'd put yourself in harms way to save them. So when does hurting yourself become to much to handle? The answer is probably never. That's the thing about Family, you can't give up on them no matter how bad you want to. You'll always want whats best for them and for them to be happy, and sometimes that means sacrifices. My father is a strong man who would sacrifice anything for his family, he can be grumpy at times and a little scary, but he does so much for his family. Thats the kind of family member people need, a strong one. You can be mad or dislike a family memeber but thats your family regardless. They are the ones who will be there for you when no one else is. Some people dont realize that until it's to late and thats very sad. I need to see my family more, I need to be there for them more when they need me because at the end of the day thats who I will turn to. Family is everything so dont give up on them regardless of how disfunctional, or wierd they are because one day they aren't gonna be there and your gonna wish you knew them better or spent more time with them. Just remember family is everything so take the time to show them that.

Choosing Choices.

Choices.....

Have you ever had to make a choice between two people you really love, or a choice over two different kinds of food that your in the mood for? Well, today my blog is about just that. Choices. I'm pretty sure we have all had to make a big choice sometime in our lives its just a matter of when that choice comes. Lately, I've been having to make a lot of them since I've turned 18, like where's it better to open an account at, a bank or credit union?, where do I wanna live?, where do I wanna go to collage? All sorts of big choices are coming up in my life and sometimes it gets stressful and hard. The amazing thing about choices though is that I have them. I have to be the one to make them, but they are there. I'm not forced into something, I can be whoever I want and make the choices I want. The tough thing about choices though, is what choice is best for you and whats the consequences of choosing it? Who's it gonna hurt? How many colories will you gain? What if you lose everything? Questions like that pop in your head and then you just confuse yourself. People always tell me "listen to your heart", but guess what? My heart doesn't tallk.  My choices come straight from my feelings and my head, but what if you don't know what your feeling? Then what? Choices have always been hard for me, I've always made someone else choose for me. If my boyfriend asks where I want to eat, I just say you choose. So when it comes down to it big choices are hard for me, I don't wanna make a mistake. I don't wanna let someone down. Or I just straight up dont wanna choose. Lately, I've been getting better at choices. This is my life, it's okay if I make a mistake, I'm living for me, I'm choosing for me. That sounds selfish, but when it comes down to it, who are you living for? You. I'm just saying if choices pop up choose them. If its hard, take some time to think and then choose them. Don't let someone else choose for you because at the end of the day, your the one who has to live and die with that choice. Choose the things that make you happy now, because in your future you'll look back and say you can't regret that choice because at one time it made you happy. Stand up and start choosing your choices for you do what makes you happy and the rest will follow.

Just the bomb dot com

Strength.

I haven't written in a while I've been caught up in new and exciting things. I got a job that I love and boy does it feel good! but thats not what I'm here to write about. Honestly, I have learned a lot in the past little bit, about me, what i can handle, and what I can't. I've realized that I could handle being alone being just me, but I'd rather not. I'm stronger than I'd like to think I am. See, being frail is a lot easier, I'd rather be broken and lean on someone than stand tall and fall hard. Well, I used to anyways. Now I wanna stand tall because I have a lot to stand for. Lately, I've been doing things for me instead of everyone else and it gives me a sense of inpowerment, of control. I have realized my life should be about me. Its mine. I see things in a different light and I dont know what turned it on in my head but I can feel it through my whole body. I'm sick of depending on someone and being let down. It's easier to let myself down and try again than it is to let other people let me down and break me. I'm not saying its not okay to let people in, Im just saying dont expect things from people. Don't put them to a higher standard if you dont see all of them clearly, dont expect the impossible, dont expect for them to change who they are. Just dont expect. Let them be them and fall for them for that reason. Love the mistakes, the sillyness, the crazyness about them because thats who they are. Just remember dont forget to love yourself. I seemed to have forgotten about that in my life. I was so busy worrying about others and looking at others that I forgot to examine me. I mean trully, look at yourself, examine your every emotion, look in the mirror and tell you that your okay loving yourself then maybe, just maybe you can look at someone and love them too. You should be just as important to yourself as someone else is to you. Just dont fall in love and forget who you are. dont be someone your not for someone else. just look at yourself, hold your head high through all the struggles and say I, I am the Bomb Dot Com.

Finding Love In Disaster

I recently hurt someone I trully love by doing something selfish. To be completely honest I didnt even know how much I loved this person trully until making this huge mistake. You never know how much someone can mean to you until your about to lose them. My advice,don't wait until your about to lose them to decide. It hurts more than words can describe. I dont think I have ever been trully loved by any guy I have ever been with, except for this one. Why is it that when we have something good we ruin it or run? Is it because we are scared to fall and take the chance of getting hurt or is it for our own selfish reasons? Then again, isnt it selfish to let someone fall for you, and yet hold your feelings back out of fear? Nobody deserves to fall and not be caught. I think thats what hurts the most, is that I hurt him, its not his reaction, or how I felt, it was letting him down and breaking his heart that hurt. The problem was I was to afraid to let him in so I didnt let myself have the chance to realize what he really meant to me, until I was completely honest and volunerable to him. The problem is it shouldnt of taken a mistake for me to let him all the way in. I was just to selfish and scared to think otherwise. I think you finally reach a point where your sick of putting up walls, your sick of being scared and you just want to be in love and be loved back. I think thats the point I'm at now. I'm a turtle without its shell, completely open and voulnerable to him. The sad part is it took a disaster to discover that. It took me hurting him to realize how much I loved him becuase I couldnt stand the thought of losing him. The scary part for me now, is knowing that I'm completely open and he has shrunk back in his shell because of a disaster I created. I know what your thinking, how could you of hurt him this bad if you "love" him? I'm not making up excuses or justifying myself but I always have thought its easier to hurt than be hurt. Well I was wrong. It's actually ten times harder. It's the cowardly, selfish way to distroying something that has the potential to be great. Now your probably just getting sick of listening to me ramble. So long story short, if you have the slightest feeling of love for someone, dont run, dont hide, dont ruin it, face it head on and embrace it. If you get hurt, trust me in the end it will be worth knowing that you gave it your best shot and you loved someone without fear, without hesatation, and without doubting if they love you back. Dont wait until you've screwed everything up because then you'll just be fighting a mistake you made and holding on to a thread of hope that you can make someone love you without fear, without hesitation and without having them doubt if you love them back.

Something I Realized...

Anger....

There's something I never realized about me until recently. I used to think I was this nice person who let people shove me around like the ball in that Monkey in the Middle game. Well thats true, on the outside, but on the inside I'm screaming. I hold it in like a boiling kettle, waiting to boil over. For those of you who don't know me, or my life story. I've been through hell. I'm not complaining, I know people have gone through worse, its just that my "worse" doesn't seem to get better. So, yes, I'm angry. I try not to be, but its like a feeling that creeps up on me when I least expect it and then I snap. I've never been good with feelings, I think I get that from my father, which is okay. I just wish I could understand my feelings a little better so I wouldn't end up crushing every relationship I have, which I do by the way. Have you ever felt that way?... Uncontrollable? Like sometimes you can't control yourself? It's a hard feeling. When I think I'm happy, Im really not. I've just gotten good at pretending. If  I was an actor I'd get a grammy award.. It's gotten to the point where I snap just to see if I can feel something, anything, after I get angry. The sad part is, I don't. I feel the same deep down anger and frustration that I felt before I snapped.. So my question is when do you feel something besides anger?  Is it when I let my past go?, My resentment?,My hate towards the one's who have hurt me?.... I'm not so sure. It's hard to let these things go when they keep showing up on your doorstep, over and over again with a new kind of cake each time. I feel like I have gotten bitter. Even the only man I've had a great, normal relationship with tells me that my anger is hard on our relationship because I take it out on him. but how do i stop being angry? How do you let it all go? I mean really go? How do you forget? I don't really know. I wish I did because I'm sick of being angry, especially for things I feel I've let go of. Its exhausting. I wanna let go. Im ready to be free. No more anger, because at the end of the day I dont wanna be told that I'm bitter. I wanna be the person on the outside of the Monkey in the Middle game, the one laughing her head off because she's got the ball,while the one in the middle is the angry one with out the ball, and the ball is just a ball, being shoved like it should be,Not me.. 





Relationships At Their Finest...

Ahh Relationships....

I've never been good with relationships. Any kind of relationship for that matter.It's like I try so hard to make them work, but my trying ends up being to much trying. How do you know if your trying to hard or not enough? I think maybe I'm just running scared. I used to believe in fairy tales, you know the ones where you fall madly in love with someone special, and you both live happily ever after, in a big house with two children, but I stopped believing in fairy tales after I kissed way to many frogs, or maybe the frog in my story was me. Either way, after that believing in fairy tales was no longer an option. I'm usually a strong person, but just the word relationship makes me crumble to my knees. I mean when do they get easier? maybe its after the every day fighting stage?, or after you walk in on them with someone else? Yes, I'm being sarcastic, which is probably not something you should do while talking about this subject, but what else can you do? I mean how do you know when someone is "the one"? They say you can feel it in every bone in your body, you get the shivers, butterflies, and your heart beats fast. I dont know about you, but this happens to me when I'm sick, so how do you know the difference? See this is the problem with relationships and I, there's to many questions and not enough answers. I once heard (from the TV series, One Tree Hill), that people always leave. I've come to find that with relationships this is true. We've all heard that line, you know, "it isnt you its me" well thats a bunch a bull. Your just trying not to look like the bad guy while you slowly rip soneone's heart to shreds, so my advice is to never use that line, no one believes you. Thats another thing about relationships,people become to sensitve about hurting one another.When in the end you either hurt yourself, or you hurt the other person more than you should've. There's to many lies or dancing around the truth for one anothers sake. You suffer for someone else's happiness. For those of you who have found "the one" your truly blessed, for those who think they have fouund "the one" I advise you to hold on to them for dear life, and finally for those of you who are still looking. I'm not gonna lie and say that person is out there waiting for you because I'm honestly not that sure. Just know that there's other people who are just confused about relationships as you are.

 

Ogden is what I call Home

Living Small....

Today I thought I'd tell you a little about where I am from. It's a little City called Ogden. It's one of those places that when you tell someone about it they are like "wheres that?, I've never heard of it." Which is sort of more depressing then the results you'd get if you were to say you were from NewYork or somewhere fancy. To be honest though, I love my little City. It can be wierd at times when you meet someone new and they just happen to know everyone you know, you just didnt know it.,but thats also the fun part because then its okay for you all to get together and hang out. I'm not gonna sugar coat it and tell you that the whole everybody knows everybody thing doesn't cause a lot of drama because it does, trust me. Nothing is a secret when it's capable of spreading like wild fire the moment you even think about saying it. As far as things to do, theres tons of stuff, the people living here just dont seem to realize it. Theres hiking,biking, movie theatures, free movies in the park, dancing, clubs, shopping,swimming, four wheel riding, and you know the usual stuff. So if one of us Ogden dwellers tell you theres nothing to do here, dont believe us because we are lying. A lot of people describe Ogden as a black hole, and thats because it is. Once you've lived here all your life don't expect to leave. Of course some move to another state or country for schooling, work, or just getaway time, but trust me everyone eventually comes back no matter how far they move. I guess that just means everyone loves it here just as much as I do. Well, that about sums it ubout my life as an Ogden dweller..Come visit sometime but just be careful because you might get stuck here.

Got To Thinking..

Life is like the game of Sims.

Me and my best friend, Emily, recently got addicted to the Sims game on Facebook. If you never played, you make a character, give it a name, hairstyle, even as far as skin color. After you make a vertual version of yourself you get a house and basically live a vertual life. You can pick your boyfriend, furnture, house, even earn a job to make money. Ill admit, breaking up with your vertual boyfriend and making vertual friends is a lot easier than the real thing, but all the same life is a game of Sims. God if there is one in real life, is the player and your the vertual character. He gives you tips (just like the people in the game) on how to do things. Weather you recognize or hear his tips is your choice. I think this is why I'm so addicted to Sims, its a easier version of my life. Is that so bad? Is it bad to want the easier version of Life?... I'm not so sure. All I know is if it is or not I'm still going to live in my vertual world as a Sim. I don't know if you have found an "easier" version of your life or if you just suck it up and face life head on , all I know is if your the head on type cudos to you and keep on fighting,but for those of you who are like me and have a vertual escape from reality, or are wanting one for a few seconds come play Sims with me I could use a few neighbors. 

New To This

Okay here it goes...

I have a best friend who blogs and I've decided to try it.. I'm not sure where to start except for the fact that my names Meaghan and I'm a complicated soul. If  I said I loved walks on the beach while sipping Champiane I'd be lying, for the simple fact that I've never been to the beach and I'm 18 so I've never tried Champaine either. I can be sarcastic at times and moody, but then again who isnt?? I'm a normal 18 year old who makes mistakes and practicaly lives out of her car just  because shes to busy to go home. I am afraid of heights and clowns. I would like to say I've been in love but I'm not quite sure I can say I have... Let's just say I love to much while everyone else loves to little. I dont really believe in fairytales but i think its just for the fact that I haven't found mine yet. I'm a hopeless romantic. I like to recite cheesy movie lines and sing in the shower. I also love a hot cup of coffee in the mornings even though i shouldn't. I decided to make a blog just because theres a lot of things in my life that i think should be documented, and this is a easy way to do it. weather people read it or not thats their choice. but, anywho heres my first post, a little rough but hang in there trust me I'll get better at this. I'll be back soon to torture you some more.