Falling into Wonderland

Do I believe

In falling in love more than once? To be honest I think you can only feel true, mad, deep love once. With one person. I think love is an overused word these days. People throw the word love around like it means a crush. For me it means much more. I would like to believe I fell in love once, but who wouldn't right? Love is something we all search for, we hunt and hunt hoping we will find it in shallow places, with the right people at the right time. I have loved a kind of love that means family or friends, but only once have I ever thought I have loved someone with my very being, my very soul. It was a heart crushing experience for me that I wont ever forget. I loved this person with some part of me that I didn't know I had. He took pieces of that, pieces of my soul. He didn't want me like I wanted him, see that's the trick, you can love someone with every ounce of your soul but it means nothing if they cant love you back. It means heartbreak, tears, and late nights. The beautiful thing about that though is that the pain means your alive, it means you have felt something you never have before. I would suffer my heart breaking a million times over to experience what I experienced with him. I don't know if I could ever feel that way again to be honest, I don't think anyone could make me feel that way. I don't know what it was, or how to explain it. Its like he took a shovel and dug and dug at me until he found what was underneath my surface, what was hiding. I never knew I was capable of feeling the way I did, I never knew that that part of me existed. I don't understand why you end up loving someone who hurts you. I'm not quite sure why you have to experience what heartbreak feels like, but all I know is that the sorrow is beautiful. I miss him every day, every second, but its getting better, easier. I am still healing so I cant say that it doesn't hurt, I just know that it was worth it. I believe it was my first true horrible heartbreak, but I am even enjoying the pain of it. I don't think you should be afraid to give someone all you have, because its worth it. Don't hold back for the sake of saving your heart. I think hearts were meant to be broken, so you can tell what being broken feels like. He made me laugh, he made me comfortable, made me happy. I wouldn't trade that for anything even knowing that it would end like this. I don't hate him, he is not the bad guy, he just wasn't ready for what I had to offer because what I offer is a lot. I don't feel the way I did with him with anyone else, because I am to broken to feel. I accept that, I invite it in and tell it to try me. I have my good days, and my bad ones but overall I am happy. Happy that I shared something so wonderful with someone I met on a beach. I don't hate love, and I don't hate men. I wont ever say that I'll never trust anyone again because that's not true anymore. I want to trust someone, I want to feel what it feels like to be happy without being alone, but this time I want to be ready for it. I want everyone to feel that, to feel what love feels like. If you get the chance to spend every day with someone, to be silly together, to be daring, to understand one another, take it. Don't let that feeling pass you by just because your scared, be brave because its worth whatever will end up happening in the future. I would die to spend one more minute laughing and wrestling with my first true love, I'd die to see him smile again. That for me wont happen, he wont end up showing up at my doorstep kissing me and telling me he's still in love with me, if I see him in public we wont run and hug each other like we used to. We no longer know each other in that way, we no longer have that right. The best part is though, is that it is okay, because I know that one time we did. I know that I was happy, that it was all worth it. Broken hearts aren't as scary as people make them seem, you will heal one day, you will understand why it didn't work out, why you chose that person to be a part of your life. I want people to stop being afraid, to open up their skin and feel with their hearts. Love like I once had is amazing, it is worth a thousand tears because I found myself in that love, in that heartbreak. Fall in love at least once, and better yet, fall out of that love. Whatever your doing just fall. Its worth letting go, worth not worrying and just experiencing your life, he made me not afraid, he made understand that I have to live. Find someone who will make you feel that way, who will make you understand. I know if it was meant to be I will find him again one day, and maybe by then it will be to late, maybe I'll be holding hands with my future husband, but I will smile at him, and the memories will flood back and I will just know that at one time he was all I wanted and at that time it was perfectly fine to want him the way I did, and it was perfectly fine for us to let each other go and move on. Just fall, and fall hard.

This Life is Yours

Maybe one day

I will learn to appreciate the time I am taking for myself. I have never been alone long enough to understand that I dont always need someone. I want to know what it feels like to wake up without thinking of anyone but myself, I want to explore every corner of who I am. I am not sure why but I am afraid of what I'll find, I'm afraid that I will realize that I dont know who I am quite as much as I thought. I'm afraid that I'll give in and want someone to spend all this time on. Sometimes I think you need to learn how to appreciate yourself, to realize its okay to say no, to not be ready, to take things as they come, to take things slowly. If someone loves you, but your not ready for a relationship or commitment to that, they need to understand. They need to appreciate you for being honest. Imagine what would happen if you knew in your heart you weren't ready for something yet you did it anyways. That would be a total disaster, you'd be living a life you didnt want quite yet, and they would be suffering because your heart wouldn't be all the way in it.If someone cares about you, really cares they will respect your no and it wont be a problem. If they dont care and get mad, you never needed them in the first place. I want to tell my bloggers that no matter how strange, how much it hurts at first, its okay to be alone.

Its okay to be alone and like it. Take your time to explore, to do the things you love, to find passion in sunsets, to stay up until three in the morning with your best friend being wild. I am doing things I never thought I could actually do on my own, and to be honest in reality I probably wouldn't of done these things if I WASNT alone. People have this little voice in their head saying they need to be attached to someone, they need to search thier whole lives and find a soul mate, someone who loves them. In all honesty, they are so busy searching that they dont realize how much they are capable of loving themselves. Since I could remember I was so focused on finding a man, a man who completed me. Growing up I'd watch my mom do this type of searching, boyfriend after boyfriend, broken heart after broken heart. My mom couldn't be alone, no matter how independent she felt like she was, she wasnt. My mom still isnt, she is still suffering through heart ache after heart ache. In reality, if she would have taken the time to get to know herself, to think of herself, and to put herself first for a change I think things would've turned out differently for her. If my mom wouldnt of been so focused on men, she could've done a lot of things for herself, things that she has always wanted to do. I dont want a man to complete me, or anyone to complete me for that matter. I want to complete myself. I want to want someone, I dont want to have to NEED them. A man cant be what defines you. A relationship cant be what defines you. It should just be a part of your life. Your boyfriend or girlfriend should just be someone you care about, someone you love to be with. I feel like I need this time for myself. No one is going to persuade me otherwise. I just want you to remember that your life doesnt just revolve around love, getting married, and having kids, it is much much more than that. You deserve to learn who you are. You deserve to be alone with yourself, to self reflect and decide what type of person you are. I enjoy my quiet nights alone more and more, but I also enjoy the nights I get to stay up late and hang out with the people I care about without worrying what my significant other is doing or about HAVING to see them. Dont let anyone cloud your vision of what you really want. If you want to be alone, make it a statement that your happy and want to be alone. If you want to be in a relationship because your ready for that, do it. If  you want to go to that one school, dedicate yourself and dont let anyone get in your way. Do what you love to do, and remember saying no isnt always as horrible as it sounds. Live your life for yourself and no one else because it is YOURS. That is something I want to stress on my bloggers because it is a beautiful thing to realize once you do.

Fairy tales and Escapes

I'm in love

with the way a book feels in my hand. I have fallen for stories that are not mine, stories of love, of pain and sorrow. I am at awe with the way the pages touch my fingertips, and the spine lays softly in my palm. The stories don't belong to me, and that is the best part. They are someone Else's fairy tales, someone Else's reality. I am comfortable knowing I can forget my own life for maybe a split second, or maybe a day. I live for adventures of others, for love stories I have yet to experience or that I never will. There are times I can relate to the story, and times were I can't even imagine. A book, with its pages creased from other readers, and its spine unsteady from holding up a shelf is an escape from what is real. It's cover explaining what the book is about, or maybe has nothing to do with it at all, enticing, urging you to pick it up. I wish my life was a fairy tale, something interesting to read, something worth writing about. I would like my life to fill up page after page, pulling the reader into a trance, making them not want to put the book down. I would like my life to be some one's escape since it isn't mine. I can get lost in a book for hours, forgetting everything else that is going on. The worst part is when the book comes to an end. The book ending is like a part of a world you have came across and decided to explore, disappearing. It feels like part of a new life you have discovered and decided to live cannot be part of you anymore. I could live in fairy tales, mysteries, and the greatest true stories forever. The pages of a book hold secrets in them, lives that have yet to be lived, and great adventures that have always been yearning to be told. I would like to think of my blog as my book. This is my story, the one that hopefully my kids will read. This is my struggle to find myself, my adventures on love and living. You cant hold my book in your hand, or feel the page turning within your fingertips. These virtual pages may never turn yellow with age. There is no cool enticing cover page. This is just my life, typed with passion, with honesty and feelings. This blog may get lost and one day maybe even expire, but I love that I can express myself through words, words that maybe I don't know how to say. The words that cant quite escape my mouth in the right form.Books inspire my writing, inspire my way of life. They give me knowledge, and lessons through other peoples stories, other people's thoughts and struggles. If you dont love to read, I am sorry that you wont ever experience fairy tales or lives that are different from your own. I am sorry that you wont learn new discoveries or the ways our brain works. I am a reader and by fault that makes me a writer. Give me a book and I'll be the happiest woman alive, give me a blank page and I will fill it with my words, with my thoughts and my story. I enjoy books because I love escaping what is real. I enjoy writing because it allows me to self reflect, allows me to understand how I feel better than anything else. These are my hobbies and my passion. I will write and read until the day I die or no longer can.

Untold Secrets

I never said

how much I don't want to be remembered by the way my boobs fill out my T-Shirt. I am a woman, I have curves and to much fat in some places. That being said, my body attracts people first. If some man told me that the first thing he noticed about me was my smile, I'd call bull crap. I noticed where his eyes were and it definitely wasn't on my face. I get sick of men trying to fondle me. I know that sounds ridiculous, like every guy is out to get me. I am not one of those girls who wear half shirts and tank tops that make my cleavage hang out, I dont wear mini skirts I think I am actually pretty modest for this generation. That is the thing, I dont feel like what I wear has anything to do with it. I think my generation on the other hand does. All there is on tv is half naked actors, sex jokes, and porn. I think this gives men a bad example of what a woman should be, and how they should be treated. No I will not send you naked photos, and I most definetly wont walk around with half of my body hanging out. I want to be treated like the woman I am. No, me wanting to hang out doesnt mean that I want to sleep with you, because I don't. I just want a normal man who will hold my hand, instead of trying to hold my boobs. I am sick of getting treated like every other girl, I am not an easy lay, nor am I a one night stand type of woman. I am the type of woman who likes to be romantic, who likes to have fun without my body being a requirement for the fun. I think women are to often disrespected, and to often dont stand up for themselves. I feel like I'm worth much more than my body betrays and I think every woman should feel the same way. I think women use their bodys as assets, "well if I wear a lower cut shirt maybe he will like me". That is nonsense. He wont like you, he will like the message you are putting off, which isnt a good one. My body is not one of my assets, It is a shell, a shell that holds my soul and the things I need to survive. It doesnt define who I am, who I am goes much deeper than that. You can love my body all you want, but if you dont love my soul you wont ever know me or stand a chance. I wear clothes that cover most of the things woman choose to show off for a reason. I dont want to be portrayed as someone who will sleep with you for one, and for two I have more pride in myself than that. I know my personality is great and I know that if you dont love me for that then your not worth my time. Men will love me for my body regardless of what I say, I just wish they would take the time to see past that, to realize that it shouldnt be about that at all. I deserve respect, not someone grabbing my butt or my chest, weather it be in public or not. I feel as if doing those things is looking down on me, not realizing how much I am worth and what I should be treated like. No I dont think your jokes about my boobs are funny and neither are your sexual comments. I am done being treated like a sexual slave and being ignored once I tell men no. I think women need to take a stand. It is everywhere from the clothes that stores sell, to movies, music, tv shows, and text messages. I dont go around telling men gross things about their bodies because if I did I would be considerd a slut,whore, someone who sleeps around, yet it is just fine for men to treat women this way? No. I dont think it is. Treat me like the lady I am or get out of my life. I am ready for a change. I wont feel bad for saying no to you. I wont change the way I dress just because soceity says I should. Hold my hand and take me to a movie instead of to your bedroom. Text me sweet things instead of sexual comments. I need a man, not a boy anymore. I know what I want, what I deserve and someone who uses me for my body is not one of them, and I think every woman would agree.

She has Butterfly Wings

I admire

the way she carries herself. She doesnt carry herself with her head down, watching the tiles on the floor pass by, she is straight and stands tall. I admire the way she smiles its a smile that could break any straight-faced stranger. She is a mother, a mother of one. A mother of a happy little girl. She is a multi tasker, she can make pancakes, sing, and dance all at the same time. I admire how she can forgive, how she can love without certainty. This woman has grown. She wasnt always a mother, and didnt always know how to smile. She was once sad, once reckless. I think that is what makes me admire her most, like a butterfly she has transformed into something beautiful. This woman invented the way a lullaby should sound, she invented dancing wildly at two in the morning. She can give the best advice, and knows what it means to be hurt. She is forever strong, realizing that things happen for a reason and she wont dwell on that reason. I admire the mother that she is, knowing how to handle a screaming child while pushing a shopping cart. I am jelous of the way she supports herself, realizing she is a single parent but doing anything that she can to give her child the best. I admire that she admits her flaws but understands that she has many perks as well. I admire that she understands what being alone is, and that she is fine to hold her own. This woman understood that she wasnt about settling, and that she could wait for Mr. right to find her, for that I am in awe. I admire the way she is confident in who she is, and she wont ever change for anyone. I admire the way she isnt always sane, she is wild and carefree. I am proud of her for being 20 years old, yet staying in every Friday night to watch Disney movies with her princess. She is my strength when I cant stand, and the woman I call at five in the morning in tears. I admire her laughter, and the way that it is always honest. She is strong and doesnt see giving up as an option. I love the way she cant live without her coffee and understands that I cant either. I admire her for taking the time to know me inside out, to understand me. I admire the way she isnt afraid to say what she feels regardless of who shes speaking to. She is a protector, a mother, a best friend, and a singer. I admire the way she lights up my life and is always here for me. She is my inspiration, my best friend, and the only person I know that will never leave me. I adimre her for giving me true friendship, for putting my faith back into humanity. I admire her for never leaving my side when I have needed her the most. She is my person. She is strong, hard headed, and the greatest friend I could ever have. She is the woman I look up to, the woman I hope I can be someday. I just wanted to tell her how great she is and that I love her to peices. This is your late birthday present  from me, Thank you for seven years of the greatest friendship and many more to come. I love you Emily Linford.

Just a name

Define

Meaghan. I looked it up and all it says is a weltch name originally a pet name from meg or meggie. To be completly honest I dont think that describes me at all. Not one single bit. I dont think my name tells you how I like my coffee, or how I like to dance in rainstroms barefoot. It doesnt say that at times I'm known to be sad, to cry myself to sleep. I dont think seven little letters could tell you anything about me quite frankly. My name doesnt define me, doesnt define what I'm capable of. In fact in the definition it practically just repeats another name. I am just me whoever that may be. I am staying up late with my best friend dancing around the house, I am sunsets and cold mornings. I am warm hugs and smiles. I am whoever I wish at any given moment. I dont think people understand that, they dont understand that I dont care what you call me, meag, Meaghan, Meggie, or even Bob. I feel as though my name is just a shell, a outside layer of protection for those who need that sorta thing. For those who need to have name for things, who cant appreciate whats beyond that name. To strangers I am exactly just Meaghan. Just a name that someone somewhere made up to simplify things, so that maybe some people could feel recognized. I know differently. I know that things and people, just like me aren't just names. They are quiet whispers and warm breezes, shouting, and the tears that stream down their face. They are the air we breathe and some creatures home. I cant simply look at anything and think oh that is just a tree, or oh you are just a Meaghan. I am definelty not just a Meaghan. I think we all take things for granted by thinking such shallow thoughts. I know that there is more to me and everything else than just a name. I know that you are sometimes lonely, that you read before falling asleep, that you like your coffee black because it makes you feel strong drinking it. I know that you hate the way your hair falls around your shoulders. I know that I couldn't discover this by just thinking you are just a name you scribble on a peice of paper. I had to look deeper than that to realize that no matter how you spell your name, how you say it, or how it rolls of a strangers tounge there is something that keeps you alive that keeps you ticking, something that trully defines who you are as a person. For me, Meaghan just isnt that definition. Meaghan is exactly what it is, a name, there are thousands of babies born all the time named Meaghan but not one of them are exactly alike. We are all different, and I think we should be recognized as different, no wind storm, no tree, nothing is exactly like the other. I will not be defined by Meaghan. I want to be defined by the way my skin looks in the sun, by the way I stay up unitl 3 am just to watch scary movies with my siblings, how I laugh, how my eyes light up when discussing something I love. These moments, these are what define who I am. I will not judge you by your first name, I will not critize the way you spell it, I will simply look you in the eyes and wonder if you to love the way the sunset looks when it rains, if you laugh at everything I laugh at, if you have a lover waiting for you at home, or if your simply all alone enjoying your lonliness. I will not judge your name because I have no idea who you really are, just like you have no idea what makes me, me. I am Meaghan, but I am also much more than that, much more than a seven letter, undifined name.

Writers Block and Other Battles

Writers Block

sucks. I feel like I am stuck inside my jumbled thoughts so far deep that I cant escape. I write a line, then I erase it. I think of something else to write and then I erase that first sentence too. Its a never ending cycle of typing and deleting. I havent been myself lately to be honest. I am in one of those funks where you feel like doing nothing, like your hollow. I would like to escape that intraptment sometime too. It hurts and I'm sad, and quite frankly I have no idea why. I wish I could tell you, but sometimes I think you just have to be sad to be sad, to feel what sadness is. It is a terrible thing although, to feel like your hurting and not know why. Now I'm back to the writers block, I have been re-reading what I have already wrote over and over again for the past five minutes. Gah. Theres just so much I wanna say but if I typed it all out it wouldnt make any sense, my train of thought goes like this:
              You make me happy           It feels good to smile                         What to write what to write
          I want to sleep                                I hate him for hurting me
                                                                                                      I am scared to like you
        Here we go again                make it go away
                              I want to write my blog thats all              Gah Think Meaghan THINK
           this day is taking forever      I hate him
                                                                      I want wings for dinner       You take away the pain
              I miss my grandma           my head is spinning                       He never deserved me
                                           Is it nap time yet                                                I hate him for hurting me
I want to be able to love       Please dont stop being kind to me   Maybe the nightmares will go away
                                  I am stronger than this
                                                                         I have anxiety               You are so wonderful
                            anxiety attack here I come              I am fine without him
My heart is hurting                 I miss my grandma
                       You take my breath away            does it ever get better?          Am I good enough?

Yeah basically I can't just focus on one thing. I feel like my brain could explode at any moment and it isnt fair. I think I worry to much. I worry about little things that I should just let be. I feel like I need to have control over everything and fix everything and I wish I didnt. I just want to be free and I think thats why I feel so conflicted and trapped, because my head and my heart are in a battle. I am sorry for those of you who have ever felt this way. It is definetly a hard thing to go through. Just remember, and I'll try to remember this too, its not always going to be bad and things will work out in the end. Dont put more stress on yourself then needed, learn to let go, to not over analyze everything. I will try to do the same. I just want to feel okay again, and the greatest thing is that eventually I will. I have just been dealing with a lot at one time and I need to realize that Rome wasnt built in a day, and that my heart wont be healed in a day either. I am sorry for the fact that this is such a rambling, dumb blog post, but I think I needed it. I needed it to realise my tension, to just write, even if it is nonsense. I hop that you all stay postive no matter what happens in  your life and remember that you are stronger than you feel. Hopefully this awkward fase I'm going through will end and my writers block will disapear with it, until then I apologize for the wierd posts. I love you all and thanks for reading and being here for me when I need it most.

Big 2 0 and learning to love it.

Tomorrow

Just happens to be my 20th birthday. It's crazy how old I really feel for just being 20 years young. It's also crazy how I feel like 20 is just 20, nothing to important even though it is. I havent been in the mood to get crazy and celebrate, to be honest I have kind of just wanted to sleep. I have been through a lot lately, a lot of pain that has left me feeling lonely. The thing is though it's a lonely that makes me have to get to know myself, to face myself and I think that's what's scary. I haven't ever really looked at myself, I'm not sure if it's out of fear of what I'll find, or if it's because I'm just so used of worrying about others. it's scary but it feels good, good to finally say that at 20 years old I think I'm finally getting to love myself. (It took long enough). It's crazy how you can let others take over your life, you can just surrender. You start to tell yourself that you cant worry about your needs right now, you have to put others first because they have more problems then you do. Worst mistake I have ever made. I forgot that this life isn't about others as selfish as that sounds. It's MY life. I need to be happy even if that means being alone and removing half the people in my life that were selfish enough to make me worry about them instead of myself. I want to be able to face myself, to be strong and stop putting myself off. I seem stronger than I am, when really I am scared, scared to just be myself to stop worrying about everyone else because that's all I have done my whole life, weather it be my mom or a boyfriend who were by the way always losers because I thought I needed to find someone to fix. really I should have been realizing that it's time for me. I can't stress that enough. I don't want people to live like I have. To have to say they can't be alone because they don't know how to love themselves, because they were to busy loving others more. The thing is, you have to love yourself before you understand what loving someone else is. No matter how hard or how much time you spend trying to fix or help others at the end of the day you'll always be stuck with yourself, with your own problems you need to fix. I am happy to be 20 and to be able to reflect and say that I need to make some changes, that I'm not perfect. I want to tell myself happy birthday, happy birthday to a new reborn me. I am fixing and doing more things I should've done. I am taking time to realize what really matters, to life my life. I think self reflection is good even if it hurts. Even if it's hard to say you never liked yourself, because then you can work on that. I hope you all take time for yourself and realize how important you actually are, how you shouldn't settle, how you should be happy in your own skin. I am learning to love myself and I think that's important. Happy birthday to me and my new self. (: take time for yourself and don't be afraid to be alone. Be happy and find out who you are and what you Want out of your life because that is what's most important.