Big 2 0 and learning to love it.

Tomorrow

Just happens to be my 20th birthday. It's crazy how old I really feel for just being 20 years young. It's also crazy how I feel like 20 is just 20, nothing to important even though it is. I havent been in the mood to get crazy and celebrate, to be honest I have kind of just wanted to sleep. I have been through a lot lately, a lot of pain that has left me feeling lonely. The thing is though it's a lonely that makes me have to get to know myself, to face myself and I think that's what's scary. I haven't ever really looked at myself, I'm not sure if it's out of fear of what I'll find, or if it's because I'm just so used of worrying about others. it's scary but it feels good, good to finally say that at 20 years old I think I'm finally getting to love myself. (It took long enough). It's crazy how you can let others take over your life, you can just surrender. You start to tell yourself that you cant worry about your needs right now, you have to put others first because they have more problems then you do. Worst mistake I have ever made. I forgot that this life isn't about others as selfish as that sounds. It's MY life. I need to be happy even if that means being alone and removing half the people in my life that were selfish enough to make me worry about them instead of myself. I want to be able to face myself, to be strong and stop putting myself off. I seem stronger than I am, when really I am scared, scared to just be myself to stop worrying about everyone else because that's all I have done my whole life, weather it be my mom or a boyfriend who were by the way always losers because I thought I needed to find someone to fix. really I should have been realizing that it's time for me. I can't stress that enough. I don't want people to live like I have. To have to say they can't be alone because they don't know how to love themselves, because they were to busy loving others more. The thing is, you have to love yourself before you understand what loving someone else is. No matter how hard or how much time you spend trying to fix or help others at the end of the day you'll always be stuck with yourself, with your own problems you need to fix. I am happy to be 20 and to be able to reflect and say that I need to make some changes, that I'm not perfect. I want to tell myself happy birthday, happy birthday to a new reborn me. I am fixing and doing more things I should've done. I am taking time to realize what really matters, to life my life. I think self reflection is good even if it hurts. Even if it's hard to say you never liked yourself, because then you can work on that. I hope you all take time for yourself and realize how important you actually are, how you shouldn't settle, how you should be happy in your own skin. I am learning to love myself and I think that's important. Happy birthday to me and my new self. (: take time for yourself and don't be afraid to be alone. Be happy and find out who you are and what you Want out of your life because that is what's most important.