Falling into Wonderland

Do I believe

In falling in love more than once? To be honest I think you can only feel true, mad, deep love once. With one person. I think love is an overused word these days. People throw the word love around like it means a crush. For me it means much more. I would like to believe I fell in love once, but who wouldn't right? Love is something we all search for, we hunt and hunt hoping we will find it in shallow places, with the right people at the right time. I have loved a kind of love that means family or friends, but only once have I ever thought I have loved someone with my very being, my very soul. It was a heart crushing experience for me that I wont ever forget. I loved this person with some part of me that I didn't know I had. He took pieces of that, pieces of my soul. He didn't want me like I wanted him, see that's the trick, you can love someone with every ounce of your soul but it means nothing if they cant love you back. It means heartbreak, tears, and late nights. The beautiful thing about that though is that the pain means your alive, it means you have felt something you never have before. I would suffer my heart breaking a million times over to experience what I experienced with him. I don't know if I could ever feel that way again to be honest, I don't think anyone could make me feel that way. I don't know what it was, or how to explain it. Its like he took a shovel and dug and dug at me until he found what was underneath my surface, what was hiding. I never knew I was capable of feeling the way I did, I never knew that that part of me existed. I don't understand why you end up loving someone who hurts you. I'm not quite sure why you have to experience what heartbreak feels like, but all I know is that the sorrow is beautiful. I miss him every day, every second, but its getting better, easier. I am still healing so I cant say that it doesn't hurt, I just know that it was worth it. I believe it was my first true horrible heartbreak, but I am even enjoying the pain of it. I don't think you should be afraid to give someone all you have, because its worth it. Don't hold back for the sake of saving your heart. I think hearts were meant to be broken, so you can tell what being broken feels like. He made me laugh, he made me comfortable, made me happy. I wouldn't trade that for anything even knowing that it would end like this. I don't hate him, he is not the bad guy, he just wasn't ready for what I had to offer because what I offer is a lot. I don't feel the way I did with him with anyone else, because I am to broken to feel. I accept that, I invite it in and tell it to try me. I have my good days, and my bad ones but overall I am happy. Happy that I shared something so wonderful with someone I met on a beach. I don't hate love, and I don't hate men. I wont ever say that I'll never trust anyone again because that's not true anymore. I want to trust someone, I want to feel what it feels like to be happy without being alone, but this time I want to be ready for it. I want everyone to feel that, to feel what love feels like. If you get the chance to spend every day with someone, to be silly together, to be daring, to understand one another, take it. Don't let that feeling pass you by just because your scared, be brave because its worth whatever will end up happening in the future. I would die to spend one more minute laughing and wrestling with my first true love, I'd die to see him smile again. That for me wont happen, he wont end up showing up at my doorstep kissing me and telling me he's still in love with me, if I see him in public we wont run and hug each other like we used to. We no longer know each other in that way, we no longer have that right. The best part is though, is that it is okay, because I know that one time we did. I know that I was happy, that it was all worth it. Broken hearts aren't as scary as people make them seem, you will heal one day, you will understand why it didn't work out, why you chose that person to be a part of your life. I want people to stop being afraid, to open up their skin and feel with their hearts. Love like I once had is amazing, it is worth a thousand tears because I found myself in that love, in that heartbreak. Fall in love at least once, and better yet, fall out of that love. Whatever your doing just fall. Its worth letting go, worth not worrying and just experiencing your life, he made me not afraid, he made understand that I have to live. Find someone who will make you feel that way, who will make you understand. I know if it was meant to be I will find him again one day, and maybe by then it will be to late, maybe I'll be holding hands with my future husband, but I will smile at him, and the memories will flood back and I will just know that at one time he was all I wanted and at that time it was perfectly fine to want him the way I did, and it was perfectly fine for us to let each other go and move on. Just fall, and fall hard.