What is Depression, Heavy.

Things are too much and I am crashing. I feel so heavy. Everything is heavy,the movement of my body, my feelings, words. Everything is something yet nothing at all and I feel broken down, withered, worn thin. I cry on the way home, with the radio turned up in case someone in the car next to me can hear my wailing sobs because they are loud and gut wrenching. The strangers see it, the tears streaming down my face so I turn my head because I know that feeling anything is not acceptable and pain is too much for strangers to bare, hell its too much for me to bare. Everything is heavy and I am sitting with it all like a ball bouncing around my insides. This life is heavy and I just dont know if I can carry it around on my shoulders anymore. I don't feel like I have to, if I just put it down for a second I am sure it would still be there. If I could just give it to someone else to hold for awhile I would be ecstatic. However this is not how life works, I can not abandon it at its darkest. It follows me around like a shadow casting on a wall in a dim lit room. Life is me, and I am it. There is no escaping the heaviness the sobbing, the shit of it all. There is no where to turn when I have been weighed down by the heaviness of life. So I sit with it, weighing on my shoulders as I sob, as I feel the pain washing down my cheeks with salty, burning drops of water. I cannot escape life, but I can sit down and prop it against the wall of my bedroom while I remember what it was like to not feel it there., when it wasn't so heavy. When life felt like butterflies landing on my shoulders or a blanket draped around me for warmth. Life is heavy and I sometimes feel weak but then I remember that it was once light warming and radiant. It was not always heavy, I was not always weak. One day I will wake up and this will be the case again. I just need to carry it a little longer, life is heavy but it will change and I will grow strength and flowers in my hair as I dance with butterflies and laugh at how heave it once felt. Life needs time to teach me heaviness because without the heaviness I would not know what to compare its light to. -M.D.L