Monday, March 19, 2018

What is Depression, Heavy.

Things are too much and I am crashing. I feel so heavy. Everything is heavy,the movement of my body, my feelings, words. Everything is something yet nothing at all and I feel broken down, withered, worn thin. I cry on the way home, with the radio turned up in case someone in the car next to me can hear my wailing sobs because they are loud and gut wrenching. The strangers see it, the tears streaming down my face so I turn my head because I know that feeling anything is not acceptable and pain is too much for strangers to bare, hell its too much for me to bare. Everything is heavy and I am sitting with it all like a ball bouncing around my insides. This life is heavy and I just dont know if I can carry it around on my shoulders anymore. I don't feel like I have to, if I just put it down for a second I am sure it would still be there. If I could just give it to someone else to hold for awhile I would be ecstatic. However this is not how life works, I can not abandon it at its darkest. It follows me around like a shadow casting on a wall in a dim lit room. Life is me, and I am it. There is no escaping the heaviness the sobbing, the shit of it all. There is no where to turn when I have been weighed down by the heaviness of life. So I sit with it, weighing on my shoulders as I sob, as I feel the pain washing down my cheeks with salty, burning drops of water. I cannot escape life, but I can sit down and prop it against the wall of my bedroom while I remember what it was like to not feel it there., when it wasn't so fucking heavy. When life felt like butterflies landing on my shoulders or a blanket draped around me for warmth. Life is heavy and I sometimes feel weak but then I remember that it was once light warming and radiant. It was not always heavy, I was not always weak. One day I will wake up and this will be the case again. I just need to carry it a little longer, life is heavy but it will change and I will grow strength and flowers in my hair as I dance with butterflies and laugh at how heave it once felt. Life needs time to teach me heaviness because without the heaviness I would not know what to compare its light to. -M.D.L

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Here in the midst

We fell here. Somewhere between the morning coffee and late night laughs. We landed here, In a world full of fights and name calling. We ended here and I don’t even remember how. We ended in a place that is shattered. Love doesn’t exist here and so I question if it exists to begin with.... love seems fleeting, always leaving when we need it the most. -M.D.L

Luna 🌙

She spoke in shards of words and told stories of living in a great unknown where love flourished. Where the death of hate was used as soil to grow flowers in rows and rows of gardens. She spoke of a world inside her head that no one knew existed. She spoke of happiness like it was long ago and shook her head solemnly. She shook her head at happiness like it died and took it with her deep down into the soil of a garden that sat behind a white picket fence of her childhood home. She told me she died with love, with happiness and was born again. She was the moon and she whispered secrets of these unknown worlds into the pit of my soul through the light of her surface. She was half and then whole and then half again and I too could relate. I too was made of many worlds and many halves and wholes. I was her and she was me, and maybe for a spilt second we were one as she whispered her stories and shed her light upon my now awakened soul. -M.D.L

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Thoughts I forgot to tell you

Everyone makes the heartbreaker out to be the villain, the awful monster. I cannot fathom the thought that another human being could have that much power.. that another human being could want to devastate, break, to shatter someone into such tiny pieces. I cannot comprehend that at one point in time the heart breaker wasn’t so whole heartedly in love too. Sometimes things break on accident, sometimes people break on accident too. After all, we are all humans here..I forgive you for being more of a monster than you thought you were. Thoughts I forgot to tell you -M.D.L

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Engulfed in loss

You were thrashing in the water, gasping for air and clawing at the waters surface. You were drowning and coughing and gasping, the gasping scared me the most. The water was the sea and it was bigger than me and I just stood and watched you. Watched you fight to live. I couldn't do anything else. I was standing on the surface, panicking, yelling your name. Screaming over the sound of the waves smacking the shoreline and against my legs. I was screaming so hard my throat was burning and my voice was turning raspy and soon enough it turned into a whisper. You were sinking now, going down deep into the abyss slowly. You stopped thrashing. You stopped the terrible gasping noises that made my heart thump against the outside layers of my chest. You were gone. Just like that. Something bigger took you from me. Something scarier. Something more powerful than I had ever been. I stood at the waters edge and watched for a sign you were still out there. Nothing. No sign. Just the sound of the waves smacking the shoreline and roaring like a caged animal. I woke up sweaty and heaving, crying, my throat sore. It was the first dream I had about losing you and it would be the last. You were gone. Life took you from me when I needed you the most and I could do nothing but watch. This life was the sea and there's not a damn thing I could do but watch you drown in it. -M.D.L.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

A Self-Defined Hit of Hurricane

I woke up one Sunday morning to his face lying next to mine and I Wondered if this was really my life. He was like an angel, sleeping softly, eyes closed and arms draped around his face. Sometimes life shocks you and you forget its yours. Have you ever had that happen? Wake up with a stranger in your bed and realize its the love your life, not a stranger at all. Life has a way of knocking you on your knees and having you wish you were praying. He came into my life like a hurricane. Tore things up, rearranged things. He was not a bad hurricane, he lifted up roots that I had in the ground for far too long. He made me escape the only home I have ever known, the one I call my own snail shell. I never met a soul like him, so reckless, wild, passionate. Waking up to him has felt like a dream ever since, a dream I have yet to wake up from. So many days I sat next to him laughing until I cried, drinking until I threw up. Crying until I couldn't anymore. I guess that is what love is... or so that is what I am told. I have come to the conclusion that love is your own story to tell. Some people call fighting at two a.m. love and are happy with that, and to some being held during a candlelight dinner is love. Pick your poison... I sure picked mine and it was him. It was always him. Love chooses you I fear. Whatever fucked up version of love that chooses you is just yours and there is no way of describing it any differently. Love is not for your choosing, you fall into it and come to the conclusion that its love. No one gets to describe that for you. I describe love as him, this angel, this soul firing man. I dont know what else to call him but just that. I dont want to say that I knew I loved him from the start or that when I first saw him, I knew. I did not get heart eyes when he walked into a room. I did not drool when I first saw him. I was curious about him sure, but no one can say that I was love struck, that cupids arrow hit me and that I knew then. I fear that love does not happen like that. It happens when you least expect it, when you are drowning in life, when it couldn't come at a worse time. It shows up and it knocks hard at your door and doesn't take no for an answer. Love fights for you. It fights tooth and nail and scratches at your back when you ignore it. It does not let you go, it grabs a hold of your heart and tugs until you give in. This is how I met him. This is how I fell in love four years later. Love is a battlefield like Cyndi Lauper said, but not quite the one she described. Love is a battlefield in the fact that it always. fucking. wins. I fought it for four years. I wanted nothing to do with needing it, with wanting it. I was blowing it off but it still showed up. Now here I am, every Sunday morning rolling over to this human that calls himself mine. That is the thing about love that I dont think people expect, its not always the expected. It is not under your control it is wild untamed and comes in all forms. I roll over to his face on Sunday mornings and I have never been more grateful in my life. I did not hunt for love, I did not wish for it every single day. I was terrified to care about another human being that much yet there he was. Love is not yours to define. It is its own element and it will find you when its ready. You cant have one definition for love, for its anyone's game but you can fall head first into what you think it is blindly and take the shot at it. What do you have to lose? Isn't that what we all want anyways, a self defined hit of hurricane? -M.D.L

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

The Moon and Your Tidal Waves.

Do you stare at the same moon? I wonder this as I sit looking out my bedroom window. That's the thing that makes missing someone so painful, the unknown. I am unsure if our moon is still the same one or if you still sleep with a fan on and your shirt off,sweating small beads of salt. Distance creates spaces between two hearts that were once inseparable. What a cruel joke the world would play on two souls. I howl at my moon and curse it for convincing the tides to take you away. I blame anything but myself for you leaving, I think that is a human thing to do. We cannot take responsibility for something that gave us such gut wrenching pain. Admitting this defeat would be saying that we are the cause of our own destruction. But we are. I am. I did this and I wouldn't know how to pretend any different. I wonder if you stare at the same moon and find yourself cursing it too. Do you blame yourself? For the loss of a love? For the loss of an us? Its always the unknown that haunts us. We are trying to understand why. Try to put a concrete reason on why things so delicate and vibrant get destroyed. What if things just are. There is no reason why. There is no grand story of lust and pain. It just is what it is. An unknown opportunity shared between two different moons. A catastrophic destruction that had to be done with or without our help. There is no explaining that which is not meant to be understood. We can curse our moons together but still be worlds apart. Nothing will change that. Some things are meant to be whole and some things are meant to be broken. I dont think the moon, you, or I has much control over that. I will let my moon wash you away with the tides. You were never mine to keep anyway. It is what it is. -M.D.L