Frustration and Other Things...

Frustration. I feel that word a lot lately. It's like I'm not happy with the way things are going for me as of now. It's not how I planned in my head. Do you ever have that? A perfect image of how you want your life or the next few months of your life to turn out and then its not like that at all? I guess thats the downside of planning. Nothing turns out the way you think it should. I feel like I'm crumbling. Everything I worked so hard to get and keep together is falling apart slowly. I'm okay one second and then the next somethings changing and I feel my okayness slipping away. Is that a word, okayness? If not it should be. I just feel like I should stop trying so hard, like maybe if I let go things couldn't fall apart. I just wanna feel okay always, I wanna be happy with me and where I am at in life 24/7. Because the breakdowns are killing my soul. The reality of  people and the world not being what I thought it was sucks. I want to believe in goodness, true happiness, and making not only you but others happy. I don't think I have a selfish bone in my body and that makes it hard. I live in the shadows of others even though I was born to stand out. My boyfriend of almost two years told me he wants to join the military, wanna know what I said? I said do what makes you happy and what you feel like you have to do. To be honest though, I'm not sure thats how I was feeling. I wanted to cry. I felt like he doesn't care about the plans we have or what I want. He's okay with leaving me. The bad part is though, I didn't say any of that. I want him to be happy, screw how I feel. Is that right? I'm not so sure anymore... It's just hard to tell people how you feel when they will probably do what they want anyways. Either that or I'm to afraid of what he would say back to me....I'm never winning. I'm either speaking to much of my mind or not enough. Bottom line is I have to work on that. I'm sick of hurting for the sake of others. I'm sick of getting walked all over like the welcome matt on my front porch, but I just cant help but lay down if your feet are dirty.. it just eats me alive. Question is, when will I start living for me and standing up for what I want?..