Finding comfort

This

feeling is so raw. It just eats me up and spits me out. One day I am fine, the next I want to crawl deep under my cold sheets until they swallow me and never allow me to come out. My heart beats fast and I feel like if I just move wrong I will burst into tears, I will completely break down. No one tells you when you are diagnosed with anxiety or depression that you will live. No one. No one says if you just take deep breaths or bake a cake it will all go away, and that is because it doesn't. You live with this every damn day. Its a struggle and it is very much real. Its frustrating how real it is. How much it reminds you that its there at random times of the day. I can be happy, so so happy and then I get down on my knees and I give in and I break over and over again. The daily struggle wakes you up, like splashing cold cold water on your warm face. I fight everyday to be who I want to be. I fight everyday to not give up, to not bow down. If you have anxiety or depression, or you are like me and suffer from both I want to tell you something. I am sorry. I am so so sorry that something in your life made it hard for you to cope normally, to deal with everyday life. I am so sorry that you struggle. I am here to tell you though that you can overcome this! One thing I never wanted is to let myself become what I was diagnosed. I never want to be known as anxiety or depression and I tell myself that every time it swallows me up. "This is not me" You are not your disease, you are not your sickness do not make yourself be defined by something that brings you so low. Break free! People look at me and they see someone who is always happy. I have been defined as that "your always happy, I don't know how you do it!" I know how I do it, I do it because I know that at the end of the tough days I can go home, close the door and cry alone. No one sees that side because if I allowed that I would be "that girl who suffers from anxiety and depression" "That girl who is unstable,crazy" I do not want to become that. Everyday is a battle for me, making choices overwhelms me, talking to people sometimes overwhelms me, getting out of bed is hard, thinking normal thoughts can sometimes be hard. Normal day things become difficult and I can feel my throat tightening just thinking about it, so trust me when I say I relate to you, trust me when I say I feel your pain. It hurts and it tears at you from the inside.  I have known so many people who have lost their fight against depression and anxiety, it all became to much and they chose an easier way to deal with the pain. I am here to make sure that you will not be one of those people. I know its hard, it can all be too much but I am here to tell you to fight, to call your mom, your sister, your dad, your brother or your best friend, to break down if it helps but to pick yourself back up. Do NOT let your sickness define who you are. You are much more than that. You are a sister, a mother, a daughter, a best friend, a beautiful acquaintance, a husband, a father, a son. When you are anxious about something find the guts to do it anyways, even if you start crying thinking about it. If you are depressed remember that you are loved and today is a new day and it is beautiful even if that is sometimes hard to do, believe it. You are not suffering alone. You have the strength to get through every single day. You have the strength to say that you will not be defined by anxiety and depression. You are not alone, an estimated 14.8 million adults suffer from depression and an estimated 40 million adults suffer from anxiety disorder. You are more than that, more than that statistic,so much more you are a person who is not alone. Find your support system and hold onto it tight. I know personally that some days are easier than others. You are going to be okay, I promise. Just remember who you really are "this disease, this sickness, this is not me."