Committing for Commitment.

I guess

I just don't want to be in a relationship. I don't know why. Maybe commitment scares me? Maybe every time I have committed to a relationship it has utterly failed. Maybe that's my fault, and maybe its not. Maybe I quite frankly don't care who's fault it is. I have recently started my own adventure. I have found more friends, more things to do, I have found more of myself. I think I am mostly afraid that being in a relationship will ruin that, will take away my freedom to be me. I don't want to have to worry about a boyfriend, I want to be able to travel, alone. Without him tagging along, without anyone tagging along. I want to be able to hang out with my friends and not have someone worry about what I am doing or where I am at. I want to spend my Saturdays and Sundays the way I want to spend them. I have gotten comfortable in my own solitude. I am comfortable being alone. I don't want anyone taking that away. I guess that's why relationships get messy for me, I start liking someone. I start getting attached and then the boyfriend thing just happens, then I feel trapped, or I feel like the relationship isn't progressing, then I rebel.  I start trying to run away from the relationship. I start picking at all the flaws I can find within the situation and then it all ends. I ruin it. All of it. So I guess it is my fault....I guess its my fault that I see no reason to get attached to someone right now... no one my age is looking for marriage. No one my age is going to settle down right now, get a house and have children. No. That happens in your late twenty's/ early thirties. So whats the point? No man my age is going to want to keep me for five years, move in together, marry me and then have children. Commitment at my age is hardly ever an option, five years is forever. A lot of my break ups have ended with the words "I just don't think I am ready to commit right now" so whats the point for me? I would rather be alone then have a boyfriend for a couple months or a year and then break up because they aren't ready to "commit".  I wanted that commitment, I didn't want to waste my time, and I also wanted to be ready for commitment too. I think being alone will prepare me for that. Will teach me what I want, and what I don't want. It will teach me to love myself so I can love someone worth committing to. I think its fine to not want to commit, but you shouldn't go off looking for someone who does if you don't.  You shouldn't invest a year into someone and then say you don't want to commit, because a year is already a commitment. I don't want a relationship because I openly understand now why men cant commit to me, because I fight for a future. Because I used to want that white picket fence and a marriage and that scares the shit out of someone who is my age. It scares people to think that they are stuck in one situation, with one person. That they could be stuck with me forever. After I thought about it that way, I realized I don't need that white picket fence anymore, I don't need a man who is back and forth about wanting me because he is to immature to imagine a future. I don't need a man who is so ready for commitment that the suffocate me, when all I want is some free time, some friends either. I don't need to try to mold someone to want the things that I want. I need myself, I need adventures, and commitment to things like school, long hiking trips, late night movies with friends, commitment to myself. You don't always need a fairy tale prince to make you happy, sometimes all you need is to build your own fairy tale. Being alone isnt always a bad thing...