Medicated Monsters

Monsters

are real. I know this because they jumped down my throat and tried to take over. The doctor said it would be trial and error before I find out what medications work best for my anxiety. She put me on some strange medicine with a name I cant pronounce and said we would try that first. The medication takes four weeks to seep down into your body and take away the anxiety, or help it at least. I have been taking it once a day, every morning for awhile now, I stop counting the days. The first side effect I got was yawning. Strange I know. I yawned constantly, Every. Single. Day. I thought to myself, okay if this is the only side effect I get then I can deal with that, no big deal. Then the dozing off came later, falling asleep at work, being half out of it, not being able to stay awake and do my homework or daily tasks. I thought maybe it was just all the stress and not being able to sleep until yesterday I drank two Monster energy drinks and still managed to nod off during class. I have felt out of it, not myself, and constantly tired.
Then last night happened.
I got home from class and my roommates were having a little get together, playing twister and drinking, usual young adult things. They didn't really acknowledge me when I walked in the door, so I went to my room. I felt sad, upset, like I was being shoved out of their friend group, (that wasn't like me, usually I wouldn't care) then one of my roommates came and asked if I wanted to play, I said no. Something in my head told me I just wanted to sit there and be sad. It was around 10:30 and I decided I would shower. I don't know if it was a mix of my medicine and the hot water but the moment I got in the shower I had bad thoughts.
Really Really Really bad thoughts.
A monster climbed in my brain and was fighting my good thoughts with bad thoughts. I guess that's the risk you take. Medicine can be your worst enemy and you never even expect it, its supposed to help you right? There are pill addicts, people who overdose, and then there's me, someone who gets an increased appetite for suicide. I was fighting a demon, in the shower and know one even knew. It was my medicine in my system, all the sharp objects around me, and me. For those of you who know me, you know that is not who I am. I would never in my life think of doing something as selfish as killing myself but at that moment a dark voice was telling me "do it, do it, you will feel better, at least cause a little pain, it will help."
I saw my razor and the monster in my head was telling me to use it as a weapon, while my sanity chose to throw it out of the shower. I was in a war zone, and I was scared. Never have I had to have a battle with my own self. I took the fastest shower ever, I don't even remember if I brushed my hair, everything was becoming a weapon and I just wanted to close my eyes. I climbed into bed and luckily I woke up this morning, I beat my monsters, the demons were gone.

I woke up today and didn't take my pill. The doctor said trial and error, and she was right. A huge error. I will call her today, explain what the monsters have done and then she will prescribe me  a different monster. I am scared, but I want help. How many pills can you try? How many will cause me to lose myself? All I want is to be normal, but none of us are normal. All of us have issues, some are just worse than others. I will fight every demon until I feel okay. For the first time in my life I can say I contemplated suicide, or something in my head did, but I survived. Please do not let your monsters eat you alive. Whatever your monster may be. Weather it be addiction, drugs, suicide, sadness, loss, pills, depression, or even anxiety. Fight. Your life, like mine isn't worth losing I promise. Fight like the warrior you are, everything will be okay in the morning.