Packing Up My Heart

I never

realized how much living or being with someone else can make you lose the part of yourself you enjoy most. I think that is what scares me most about relationships, losing myself when I have just come to discovering who I am.(I am sure you have heard that before) I want my house to be colorful, fun, with lights everywhere and he wants black leather couches, black furniture, and no dog (he's allergic). I cant do it. I cant sacrifice the part of me that will always be wild, the part of me that feels for adventures and an apartment that screams so.  I want the lighting to be everything, and my home to be welcoming and fun, I guess that's the gypsy/boho part in me. I like pretending though, that I could be normal, that I could live with someone and choose black furniture, live without streams of lights and candles everywhere and without a dog. That I could be that perfect roommate or girlfriend. I secretly cant. I scream inside to look at fun designed furniture that no one would ever buy. I scream to run away from the black cabinets, and huge TVs, that's just not who I am. I have known this guy for a long time, this person that wants to become roommates, work on things and see where they go, but I am running (like always). I have always wanted that, someone who wants to live with me, someone who isn't afraid of commitment, but maybe that's because deep down I am afraid of commitment, of giving up my rights to decorate my space however I want.  Relationships are about sacrifices and I get that, but how much of myself am I willing to sacrifice? Could I live with black everything? I am not so sure. That is the hard thing about growing up I think, wanting to expand your life and your family but also wanting your freedom and yourself. I am not in a hurry, but I get tired of being alone just like everyone else does. I don't want to hurt him, but I also don't feel like I am ready. Is that a bad thing? I am ready for my own apartment with bright colors, a small dog and fun lively visitors. I am okay with living alone, with making my own space my own I can do that, its adding in someone else who has their own taste that is difficult. Maybe I am not ready to be as grown up as I thought... do you ever feel like that? Here are all my friends, getting married, having children (even my best friend) and then there's me, with my own soul, fighting to travel the world and to be an independent woman. Society says I should be getting married, working on having my first child and that is a hard thing to fight against, but I have always been a fighter. I am not and don't know if I ever will be ready for black furniture and big TV's. I hardly watch TV and black is to dark for my soul in my living space. Sometimes things just don't work out no matter how much you want them too. No matter how hard you try to mold yourself and to be a certain person. My soul is to much on fire for me to ignore it. I will forever be a lone, fighting, heart pumping, Bohemian, gypsy. I will forever fight against black furniture, TV trays, and giant TV's. Here's to running with your soul, to living wild and understanding that its okay to not have someone as wild to run with you. I am sorry I couldn't be what you wanted, but I cant sacrifice who I am.