Love is in the air.

Soulmates?

I am not sure how I feel about this idea. Are you really destined to be with someone or is being "in love" a state of getting used to having someone around? I thought I had love all figured out,that my prince would arrive at my doorstep and I'd know with out a shadow of a doubt that he was the one. Wrong. So so wrong. As you know I have grown to be quite a love skeptic. How can I not be, tons of failed relationships and here I am. Not only that, you are capable of loving more than one person aren't you? So how does that work out? How is one person going to be "the one" for the rest of forever, when there are tons of other people cabable of loving them too? I fully believe that love is a choice, a full out hard, sometimes heartbreaking decision. You get to pick who you decide to be with dont you? Well then you must be able to pick who you stay with also. We are mammals, so what makes us so different then other mammals? Besides the fact that we have a language and walk on two legs instead of four. I believe that we are just the same in the "mate" aspect also. Its not all about feelings. Its about who would produce a good gene in an offspring, who would be faithful, and even who would support the family. We just allow our feelings to portray this for us. We say it hurts and we cant let go because we "love" them, but doesn't it really come down to the fact that we just spent so much time with them that we have become emotionaly attached? After a breakup it hurts like hell for so many months and then after a while you are ready to be single and mingle, once again looking for this perfect mate. If it wasnt for the feelings aspect, dont you think you could move on quickly? Isn't that the thing we always claim that holds us back from moving on? I think its a sad excuse to make finding someone a  more extravigant task than it actually is. Think about it, we find this so called person we are in love with, we get married to show other susepctable mates that we are no longer available, then we mate to raise our population, have offspring who then start this cycle all over again. I dont think love plays as big of a part as we think it does. I think its attachment, we start to rely on this person, doing daily tasks with this person, expecting them to be there for us in a time of need. We start to rely on them in some of the same ways we rely on our own parents. When this person leaves and decides its not working out for them we feel anxious, scared, torn apart, even lost because we dont have that safety net anymore. Isn't it true that even if your the one who ends the relationship you feel just as much emotional pain, so much so that you consider getting back with the person that you clearly said wasnt your type in the first place? I think its a vicous cycle of getting attached to someone and then not being able to just let go even though the relationship is toxic for you. It has nothing to do with "love" or that you were meant to be so you keep going back to them. No. This is just an easy, skewed way of telling people that you got emotionally attached and now you can't let go. It sounds more normal and romantic than saying that you picked that person for a mate and allowed yourself to get to close to soon so you became dependent on them. If you didnt become so dependent on this person do you think that you could let them go easier? Probably,but how can you not depend on them? Your looking for a mate, someone to help you reproduce and then help you survive the rest of you life. I think that is even more romantic and heartbreaking than the "love" concept we have gotten into our heads. We are all just animals, looking for a mate to depend on, and that isn't such a bad thing to think about in my opinion. If you looked for "love" in this mindset I wonder if it could even be easier to find that "special" someone, because now it no longer becomes just an emotional state it is now a state of life..

How to guide to life

I dont

have this so called how to guide to life. I dont think anyone does. I have been through a lot so I could tell you a lot of ways of how I have delt with things obviously, but I wouldn't guarantee my ways are fool proof. I have made plenty of mistakes and have done a ton of things that people dont agree with, but the one thing I am always proud to say is I have done things that I want to do. Things that have made me happy. That is what is most important with anything you do, always make sure it is what makes you happy. I wish I had this guide to life that was like one of those navigation devices you put in your car. That way it would warn me when I was taking a wrong turn and should turn around. Then again where would be the fun with that? When would you learn? When would you get to experience sadness and heartbreak? I have been told that there wouldnt be any happiness without knowing what sadness feels like. I believe that this is a very true saying because if you were always feeling the same you wouldnt know different until you felt different right? If you had a how to guide to life I guarantee that you would be the most mundane person alive, nothing would excite you or make you feel anything because you would always know whats coming. I like the fact that I can say I am happy just winging it. I have learned that you don't always have to have a plan and things dont always have to go your way for them to turn out beautiful. I am in a hard spot in my life lately, with my job and my love life but I know that I will be okay and whatever happens will happen. You just have to take things as they are and stop trying so hard to fix them to your liking. I used to have my whole life planned out and then I realized that life is to big of a thing to plan. Random things happen and theres nothing you can do about it, but realize that its obvioulsy where your meant to be at the moment. I fell in love with a guy who of course isnt perfect but he stole my heart. Our relationship hasnt always been the best and we have had a hard time lately so its the kind of time where I wish I knew what was coming and I wish I could say that it will go back to being fine again. I wish I could say we would forgive each other like nothing ever happened but who knows if that will happen. All I know is that he has been one of my best friends since I met him, and I'm not one to give up on best friends. I have been getting a lot of crap from people for accepting him in my life again. Some people haven't been very nice or accepting of this fact, but I'm the only one who gets to live my life, and I will be the one to deal with the consequences of what happens because of this, good or bad. People make mistakes and lifes to short to hold a grudge, so I'm not going to hold one. I just want people to realize that you have to do what makes you happy regardless of what others say. You also have to realize that if you always have a plan you will most likely always be dissapointed because life works in misterious ways and it wont always turn out the way you think it should. What happens in my life to an extent are things I can control, and others are things I cant. I can't control how I feel about someone but I can control how I choose to let them back into my life. Me and Trevor are doing this slowly, with fights and late night conversations about nothing and everything at the same time. I dont expect people to understand why I'd let him back in or how I could be so stupid to do so. I just expect them to realize that it makes me happy and it makes me sad but if people gave up on me everytime I made mistakes then I would be one lonely human being. Trevor isnt perfect and I never asked him to be so why would I punish him for it? We all hurt each other sometime or another and its not about that, its about what you choose to do after you hurt that person that matters, how you choose to fix it. I no longer need to explain myself. I think the only people who will understand is Trevor and I and quite frankly its our buisness anyways. My life is far from perfect and far from being anyones example of a how to guide, but thats what makes it beautiful. Everyone's life is beautiful because it is our own, we are all just searching for what makes us happy. Just remember to do what makes you happy and don't take everything so seriously, you dont get out alive anyways. When in doubt, just wing it.

This Is...

The story

of me. I have realized that I have not even informed you of the kind of woman I am. I'm guessing you have learned a lot about me from the blogs I post. It may seem that I am a woman who is hurt often, and has many trials. I want people to know that I am much more than that. I do laugh multiple times a day, and I am almost never not smiling. I am a happy person, its just easy to write about whats hurting me.I guess I'll start off by saying that I only have one true friend her name is Emily, her and my family mean the world to me. I always have to put that first, because when people ask about me I tell them how important they are to me. They make me the silly crazy woman I am. The next thing that I find also very important is that you will never see me drinking milk. It makes me very sick to my stomach, I'll put it in my cereal but that doesnt mean I'll drink it. I am the type of woman who loves to read, hand me a book and I'll be done with it in a day or even a couple of hours. I just love reading stories that do not belong to me, that are other people's emaginations and realities. I am sarcastic, outgoing and a little bit crazy. I'd rather be camping somewhere in a tent looking up at the stars than at the biggest party ever held. The wilderness is more beautiful than any person I would ever be likely to meet at that party. Hand me a gun and I can shoot popcans all day, I feel strong handling something so powerful and actually knowing how to use it. The noise a gun makes is a totally different love story all within itself. Although I love guns I have never killed anything in my life. I kill a spider and I wanna cry for taking it away from its family. I am a hippie at heart but if I was starving you'd bet Id kill a deer for food or maybe barder my sheep for one. I am not afraid to get a little dirty, in fact when I was little I used to pretend I owned a bakery and made pies out of the mud in the garden. I like trucks for their soul purpose of off roading and getting a littly crazy in the mud. I have always wanted to live on a farm just because I like the idea of living off the land and cowboys kind of get my blood pumping too. I like any kind of music I can realate to, why stick to one genre if you can embrace it all? I have never broke a bone in my body even though  I am the clumbsiest person you will ever meet. I guess I'm just lucky. I am very emotional in the yes i do cry over Disney movies kind of way. I have never been much of a girly girl, I dont enjoy doing my hair or putting on make up, those are things I could live without but I do them so I wont scare people. I like football and watching fights more than my brother does, I guess my daddy just raised me right. I am honest and I will tell you the truth even if its something you dont wanna hear. Just remember you asked. I am the romantic type, I like to cuddle and I wouldnt mind getting love letters from a secret admirer everyday. I would hope that one day I could find someone who was willing to write me them without it being a hassle. I am a very forgiving person and it takes a lot to make me angry. I dont think I've ever hated anyone in my whole life, its more like dissapointment in the fact that someone wasnt who they said they were. I am getting pretty tired of talking about myself so I think I'll end there. That pretty much sums me up anyways. I am just a free spirit. Someone who loves to laugh and enjoy my life to its fullest because as far as I know its the only one I have.....

Moving On Up.

It's funny

how you can trust someone without them even giving you a reason to. You just fully believe that they are being honest and you have no proof you just put your trust in them, they havent gave you a reason not to but they also havent gave you a reason why you should. You just do. It's also funny when that backfires on you. When one day you catch them spilling out a lie, or even better you walk in on them living the truth they have covered up with deceit. Then that lie they have been caught telling or doing is running through your head 24/7 thats all you can think about. You even wake up in the middle of the night screaming with anger, your blood boiling with that image or sentence that also haunts your dreams. You feel nothing but hard boiling anger, there is no tears and you wish there was because it would be more satisfying and could be relased better than the anger that eats your heart away. Trust me I know exactly how it feels because I  have lived it. Recently someone I thought I loved did something that showed me the opposite. The best part is after you catch them, when they are shocked and are still trying to lie about the actions you have seen them doing. That is when the anger starts and you just want to scream at them to be honest for once because you have already caught them. The saddest part is they wont. This is because they arent good enough for the truth, they arent strong enough to stand up and admitt to the low life person that they are. The hurtful part is even though you know its a lie you still want to  beleive them, you want so badly for it to have just been a bad dream, and for the "nothing happened" speech to be the truth. You start thinking to yourself what if nothing did happen? What if I was the only one they needed and what I saw with my very own eyes was a lie? Then you muster any strength you have left in you to say no. No it was all real, I was there and I will not be manipulated, even though the truth hurts and going along with the stupid lie seems easier. I wont be a victim to anymore lies, I will no longer suffer for someone who doesnt care about me, who used me and washed me up, filled me with lies that were actually believable. It makes you angry that your actually asking yourself why your not good enough for them, why you couldnt make them happy. You just want to stop, to understand that it wasnt you, you werent the cause of someones need to be a horrible person. It hurts because you can't, because at one time that person was exactly enough for you, they were all you needed but it didnt go both ways. You were a toy, someone to be tossed around and kept for lonely nights, and in case something else didnt work out. All thats left is anger, anger towards them for not just letting you go sooner, for keeping you there, making you suffer. Angry at the person who stole them away from you because you know they were meant to be. More meant to be then you and them would have ever been, and that's because  that person is just like them. They are liars, they will fall for their trap and think that they were the only one for them and then suffer the same fate you did. You wont feel at all sad about this because that person is as awful as the person who lied to you, who led you on. You will feel satsifaction knowing that you survived and you are moving on while they get to go through the same fate of suffering, being used, and having to face the lies that they live. You will be angry for a while, and you will want to get even, my suggestion is to get even by moving on. They will regret everyday the moment they lost you because you are wonderful. You will move on and they will have to watch that in pain knowing that they are the cause of  your happiness, your happiness that doesnt include them. You no longer need them and that will hurt them more than they hurt you. You will survive and you will conquer keep your head up and remember you dont need anyone in your life who doesnt prove that they need you in theirs.

Remembering

If only you could open your heart, to feel what I feel. To know that every inch of this tired soul aches with the pain of remembering. Remembering the way you'd laugh with your eyes glowing and your head tossed back. Rembering the nights we spent watching the stars glimmer with hope that the sunrise wouldnt come out to cast them into submission. Remembering what it feels like to let someone into your very soul, to let someone peel back the layers of you to find what really rests inside. The hope that one feels knowing you'll always be there with your arms open as if to catch me when I'm falling. I am no saint, I do not walk on untampered ground, but you are someone who showed me what it is like to run with the devil. What one feels like to be decieved, to have everything torn from under you in an instant. Remembering what a shattered heart feels like, what a soul that can no longer feel does when it tries to repair itself. Remembering tear filled eyes, and sleepless nights. Remembering not having the words come out in the exact way you feel, having them jumbled and stuck just below my tounge in a way that makes me frusterated. Remembering the love that was a trick played with smoke and funhouse mirrors. Remembering the way my heart danced in tune with yours, inticing every inch of my soul to collide with yours, stealing it like the way you stole my breath right from my lips. If you are one with the devil, what does all these things mean? Does that mean the very house my soul resides in, is nothing but a lie? Does that mean that I am someone who runs just as wild and freely as you? Do I remember you putting me in a trance to feel the way I feel? Do I remember falling asleep normal and then upon awakening growing this strange feeling I have towards you? Do I remember giving in and falling willingly into your soul of deception? This is the fault when it comes to remembering, is it really what you remember or is illusions you think might exist? If  I gave into your devilish ways does that make me at fault for all the pain, or am I the victim? I cannot remember, for remembering has become hard. I remember nothing but what I feel. I no longer remember the facts on how it ended up like this. Remembering you haunting my dreams and awakening me with unsettling screams is all that is left. My memory of you slowly fades though, while the pain you made me feel stains my unsettled heart. Remembering you is no longer a choice, no longer an option, for the memories I once had of your smiling face, your inticing ways, have long been forgotten.

Hopeless.

I want to be

the sunlight that kisses your hair in the morning, and the bed time stories you read to our children at night. That old wooden rocking chair with marks all up the seat from when the dog tried to jump into it. I want to be a page in your favorite, worn out book. The one you read every night in order to fall asleep, with its pages turning yellow and its spine falling apart. The water that hits you in that shower you take after a long day is over, carressing your skin with soft warm kisses before hitting the cold porcelain tub. I want to be that something special. That one thing that you can't seem to live without. I want to be the wind that blows caressly through your hair, taingling it into a wild mess that you have to tame once you return home. That giant kitchen you always hoped for, the one with the wooden floors and high seilings, painted your favorite color and decorated with your favorite pots and pans. The soft humming of your favorite song you dance around the house to, in nothing but your sock and a giant T-shirt. I want to be your everything. Those salty tears you cry after your first big heartbreak, the ones that show how strong you are because they are real. I want to be that voulnerable state of mind your in after. The state that tells you to move forward but you are still holding on. I want to be your favorite memory, the one of you hiking up that jaint mountain with the ones you love and coming back down with handfuls of rocks. I want to be your greatest hello and your hardest goodbye. The fast beat of your heart when your nervous, pumping blood to places in your body faster than before, and the butterflies terrorizing your stomach. I want to be your greatest desision and your hardest one. The fast pace of your legs while your in the grocery store because you know what you want. The smile you get when you hear something funny, and your laugh when you want nothing but to cry. The shimmer of hope I see in your eyes when you stare at me, the one I want nothing but to get lost in. I want to be your safe place when your scared of the monsters that lurk under your bed, and the person you yell at when your angry. The roof over your head that keeps out the rain but doesnt stop it from pattering on your window. I want to be everything you have ever wanted, and everything that drives your crazy. I want to be your person. The one who will never leave your side no matter how crazy you become. The one who would give you everything I have in one split second. I want to be the one who falls hopelessly in love with all your perfections and all your flaws. I want to be the hand you hold when your standing at the end of the aisle, the look you have that has so much love in it could destroy a single person. The shoes you take off to run with me to the car because the wedding is over. I want to be the person who kisses you goodnight and good morning even if your mad at me. That suprise look you get on your face even though this is the hundredth time you have burnt our dinner this month, and the happy one you get when I tell you its your turn to pick where we order out. I want to be everything you have ever needed, everything you have ever wanted. I want to be nothing but myself and everything that has ever made you full of life. I want to be your lover, your best friend, and your forever and always. I just want to be.

The Love...

you gave me.

Today's blogpost would have to go out to my parents. My father and my step mom. When I was younger I had a rough time getting along with my dad. I was in the "I'm a teenager I know everything" stage of my life. I only got to see him every other weekend since my parents are seperated and have been since as long as I can remember. Even those weekends I would refuse to go. I would start huge fights with my dad and step mom because I felt like friends were a better priority. That is probably the biggest regret of my life still to this day. I love my dad and my step mom they are wonderful people and growing up I didnt take the time to see that. It wasnt until I was about 17 that I stopped throwing fits about going over there. I would scream that I hated them and other mean things, I'd even tell my friends the same thing. They are now the two people in my life that I'm closest too, I even recently moved in with them. I wish that I wouldve realized sooner that life is to short. Your family is all you have and hating someone doesnt hurt them most, it hurts you. I was the one who missed out on being close to them when I was younger. I was the one filled with anger just because I'd rather have seen my friends. It was stupid to be honest. I would have hated to grow old and seen my parents grow old knowing that I never tried to even give them a chance. Now I tell them everything. They are there for me through everything from boy problems, to what left overs are still good. I feel sorry for people who take their parents for granted. Who hate them for mistakes they make because they were still learning too. I dont know what I'd do without them anymore. I am so lucky to have people who love me no matter what and support me in any desicion I make. I hope that you see how lucky you are too. People fight, and things arent always perfect but its important that you learn to let that go, to realize they wont always be here. My dad and step mom have taught me so much about growing up, about loving each other. They have been together for thirteen years now and they still hold hands on the way to the grocery store, they still kiss and us kids still think its gross. If it wasnt for them I dont know what kind of person I would end up being, probably not a very good one. They have shown me what a stable crazy home is like. They have taught me that you dont always know what your doing but you will survive. My family isnt rich, doesnt buy me tons of things, and isnt always perfect, but we always love each other. We are always here for one another and my parents taught me thats what is important. I cant say how thankful I am that I had a dad who never gave up on me. Even if I didnt wanna see him one weekend and I would scream I hated him he would be right back over the next weekend trying to pick me up again. I never once heard him complain about paying child support. I never once heard him say anything but how much he didnt loved me. That makes him my hero. My dad and my step mom have been through so much but they are still the most loving people you will ever meet. They never think twice about helping people and they never told us not to say thank you. I am thankful for them. They are my heros and I will be passing on everything they have shown to my kids someday. Thank you dad and Oriana for being the best, craizest, loving parents I have ever seen. I love you two so much.

Loving My Skin.

We Except...

the love we think we deserve. Isn't this a hard learned fact? It's truer for me than I thought it was. The love that I once thought I deserved turned out not to be love at all. It was something else. Something like a lust, or a phase, maybe even a crush. The idea of love that I have is giving yourself to someone else. Handing over ever bit of your soul to make someone else happy. I loved to much. I thought people who didnt deserve what I gave them deserved it, so I gave them my all. What do you think happened? I got nothing in return. Nothing but heartache and lessons learned. I thought I deserved that. I thought I deserved someone making me an option. I thought I deserved to be yelled at, to be told that I was nothing at one point and time. I no longer feel that way. No one deserves heartaches and tears that keep on coming. I deserve holding hands, late night talks about nothing, having my door opened, being told I am loved even when I am stubborn. I deserve a love that I am afraid might not exist. I have realized that I feel like every relationship is that kind of love when its just good at pretending. Is it because I hope that this time it actually is? Is it because I have more faith in humans then they deserve? Probably all of the above. I want a love like The Titanic, The Notebook. A love that is to strong to ever end. A love that is real. Not hidden behind false pretences or lies. I guess if  I want this kind of love I shall have to start with loving myself. You see, I am content with that. I am finally content with being alone. I dont need someone anymore. Especially someone who could just cause heartache. I am tired of that feeling, the feeling of emptiness once you lose someone. I am to strong to feel those for no reason at all except for that I gave someone a chance they didnt deserve. I no longer need anyone to make me feel not so alone. The truth is, I was never alone to begin with. Myself and my family are enough. I never needed a man, I just wanted one. Then the wanting in my head got confused with the needing emotion I felt in my heart. I fell for men to hard, I have no walls to keep someone out. I am an open castle just waiting to be torn down. Do you ever feel like that? Like your uncapable of hurting anyone but people still tear you down? I am no longer looking for love. I dont believe in fairy tales where you ride of into the sunset. I dont believe in the "perfect guy" because I'm always worried now. Always waiting for him to slowly stop trying, to slowly change. I want to believe in love so bad it tears my heart apart. I want to believe there is good in people when really its just a mirage. I want to feel special, like no one else could compare to me. I want to feel like a princess, but if fairytales dont exist princess's probably dont either. I can make myself happy. I dont need this crazy love thing that everyone spends half their lives searching for, but it sure would be nice. I am no longer in search for that. I am in search for myself. I am working on the things that I want. I am taking pride in just being me, of being free, and thats all I could really ever need to be happy. I am happy enough in my own skin that I dont need some guy telling me what that skin should look like.

Searching for Something

Standing.

I step outside into the crisp air that makes it hard for me to breathe. Its still dark, as it is early in the morning. I can see the sun slowly rising up to greet the changing trees with kisses of light. I exhale heavly just to see my breath form in midair, I have missed being able to see how alive I am. I pull my hood over my head as though to hide my ears from the redness that the chill will bring them. I have my boots on, and hear them crunch the stiff leaves under my feet. I am wandering about in the dead of the morning. Everything is still, I feel awakened. The sun is now hitting the red leaves in a way that makes them look as though they are on fire. Its so silent I could hear the wind. My own voices in my head are the only other sound that I could hear. I love this season and how everything is changing, I feel it growing colder, darker, everything is getting ready for winter. I bundle my scarf up around my nose as it is now turning red as the wind refuses to stop hitting it. I feel fresh, full of life even though everything around me is slowly dying. The wind wakes me up in ways no one could describe. My thoughts are clear, and my senses become aware of everything around me. I smell someone baking near by, its early so I wonder if they are preparing for a family meal later in the evening. The armoa makes me hungry, makes me miss home. This weather usually makes me want to bundle up in a blanket with hot chocolate in hand, but here I am wandering about as though I'm in search of something. I am. I am looking for him. I saw him the other day wandering around like I am now. He had on a warm looking sweater, his hair a mess as the wind blew it out of its perfectly gelled state. I was staring at him through the window, watching him pick up leaves and admire them one by one as he then stuck them in his pocket. I was in love. I couldnt stop staring at this man, watching his every move. I needed to know him. Needed to feel what it was like to be close to him, to breathe him in. I didnt want to lose sight of him. I could've ran out of the house that very moment and told him how in love with him I felt. How in love I felt with a complete stranger. Would he have hugged me, jumped for joy? I am not sure because I watched him leave, watch him stroll down the street out of sight. I longed to see him again. I wanted to watch him admire leaves all day, in fact I wanted to admire leaves with him. I waited for days, every morning searching out of my window to see if he would stroll by again, nothing. Now I am the one strolling, in search for this man I have never even met. I am in awe, now knowing why he was out here so early searching for beautiful leaves. Everything is beautiful this early, untouched, not tampered with. Its perfect. It would be even better to have this inticing stranger by my side. I cannot find him, he is gone. Do I dare start knocking on doors? Or should I head home and try to get him out of my head? Would he be that easy to forget, knowing that I dont even know him? Or would he forever stain my memory with the perfect site of him in search for something beautiful? I cant give up, I am yearning to find him, to tell him. Maybe even show him that he is someone I have been longing to know. I want to be held in his arms forever. I want to be one of his beautiful leaves in his pocket. I am yearning for a stranger. Someone who only exsisted once, he is now gone. I will forever be in search of this soul who made me love to walk into the fall air just to search for him. I will find him. When I do find him I know I will be complete. I will feel whole, no longer broken. For I am a girl who is in search of my own special leaf.

Heartbeats and Footsteps

Changes...

I feel it down in my soul. My very heart aches with the feeling of losing the person I once was. I am no longer surrounded by the pain to not be in control of my own life. I no longer feel hate towards who I am becoming. I am strong. I prove it everyday, in the long ten hours I spend working, in the very core of my muscles as I run at the gym. I am no longer harnessed by feelings in the past. They do not haunt me. I am no longer a little girl. I have found a new light within myself that I had no clue exsisted. There is a passion towards myself that I never knew I could feel. Life is to short to keep living with hate towards yourself because of things you arent in control of. I feel strong in my own skin, like I could take on anything, anyone. I am no longer afraid of my future or the haunting dreams I have about the past. I am finally in this moment. I am finally free. I am becoming the best version of me I can possibly be and I have done it all by myself. Who knew? Who knew that I didnt need anyone all along? I didnt need to fix anyone for me to feel okay again, I didnt need an apology from anyone. I needed to find love. Love for myself that I didnt know I was capable having. I needed to find a smile that truly felt like mine, a smile that I gifted myself with. I needed to feel my own warmth, the warmth of my own living, beating heart. No one elses. I am now in charge of who I am. Who I would like to become. No one else is writing my future out on old scripted paper for me. I define my own life. I decide who I want to be, how I want to feel. I am no longer in pain, I can feel. I feel happiness in just being who I am. Finally. I feel like I can breathe. I am not sure what has grown into my heart to teach me these things in the last couple of days but I pray that it never goes away again. I feel reborn into the true definition of who I am. I am Meaghan. No simple word I scribble down on paper can define what is in my soul. I am no longer someone who hates who she is. I no longer doubt myself. I am no longer envy of others for the life I dont have. I am no longer gelous of someones body. I am capable of morphing myself into whoever I'd like to be. I am strong enough to push myself into exhaustion and feel good about it. I am my own self, I have my own story that is no longer defined in the shadows of others. I am no longer a lifeless person looking for a goal, looking for something, someone to define my existence. I define myself. That is the most wonderful feeling I have felt in my whole entire life. To be able to say that I no longer need to care what you expect  from me. I no longer need to try and be that person who would make you happy. I no longer am worried about all the times people have hurt me without me doing a single thing. I make myself feel good enough. I am finally happy in my skin, happy in my soul. You do not define me. I am not that girl who is dating that one guy, I am not so and so's best friend, so and so's daughter. I am Meaghan. The best version of Meaghan to ever exsist in this very moment. There is more to me than I have ever thought I was capable of having. I took a walk in my own heart and discovered that I am nothing like I thought I had to be. I am no longer afraid of anything. I will be Meaghan, undefined by expectations, others problems,pain. I am smiling, a smile that finally can radiate from my heart. It is no longer fake because no one put it there but my very own self. and that, that right there is all I could ever hope for. All I ever wanted was to be happy, if only I knew that the only person who could truely make myself feel that way, was me.

Lost In Questions

Forgiveness...

I have been having to deal with this word a lot in the last couple of days. It's a hard thing to do for me. Its a word that is filled with fear. Fear for yourself and your heart. How do you know if you forgive someone they wont turn arond and hurt you again? There isa fine line between knowing what you should do and knowing if you do it you put yourself at risk. When do you decide that forgiving someone is what you have to do even though you could suffer? When is the right time to put others first? I have learned the hard way that forgiveness is a double serated knife. If you choose to live with hate in your heart you will become bitter, cold, dark and horrible. You choose not to forgive and you grow angry. On the other hand, if you forgive someone there is always that chance that person wasnt honest when they asked you for that apology. That they could choose to go down the same path that made you heartbroken. There's that saying that is something like you can forgive and choose not to forget. Is that even really forgiving? If you dont let it go you still have a part of that hate growing in your heart dont you? Or do you push that back and just keep it in the dusty part of your brain until that person makes the same mistake?  Then theres the question of what is a "mistake"? If you keep doing something over and over again doesnt it then become intentional, a growing habit? When does "sorry" no longer cut it? Forgivness is such a hard thing. Especially when it comes to family, your supposed to be there for them right? Then why do you even question if they deserve to be forgiven? Is it because your own heart is so filled with anger and fear? I dont know when enough is enough or when forgiving someone no longer becomes an option. I feel no hate in my heart. Only pain, pain for what people choose to put themselves through. Pain for the thought of losing someone over their own mistakes. I feel anger, for what that person has chosen to do to the people who love them. Does this mean I am uncapable of forgiveness because the pain is unbearable? Maybe the anger is to strong? I think that if you give me a reason to forgive you I will, but if you give me a reason to push you away I will no longer offer my love. Forgiveness means sacrfice. Sacrficing yourself for the love you have for another individual. If you cant see how much you hurt someone when they have decided to sacrifce their hearts for you and you screw it up time after time, then you are no longer human. You can no longer feel. You are a selfish individual that would do whatever it takes to get what you want regardless of who you hurt. You are no longer worthy of being forgiven because you no longer understand what it takes for someone to forgive you. How many times do you put yourself though pain for the sake of another individual before you can no longer handle it? When is enough enough? I guess the only person who could answer that question is you. Only you know the pain someone is capable of putting you through. Only you know how much you can indure before it becomes more harmful then good. People only deserve to be forgiven if they understand what they are doing wrong in the first place. You cant fix a problem unless you admit you have one. Forgiving someone wont fix them, wont save them, wont make them change. They have to want it for themselves. Once they prove by actions that they want itis when forgiveness for me no longer becomes and option it becomes a choice, a choice I dont have to think twice about. I want to be able to forgive everyone in my life, but you first have to show me why you deserve it.

Fighting Demons

Make it good.

There is so many people who dont know how to treat one another. That suffering you go through from bullies in elementary school, yeah I had those, plenty of them. That parent who never was there when you needed them, that person who you wish didnt act like they hated you when there was people around but changed their mind when you two were alone. Things like that can make you hate who you are, who you are growing to be. Growing up was a rough time for me, probably not the worst compared to others, but I went through a lot during my childhood. I was stuck in an invironment no child should grow up in. I was that girl in school who "developed" faster than everyone else. I have always had a raspy voice that people have taken note of. I experienced hormone and girl changes all by myself. My cousin was the one who taught me how to shave my legs, not my mother. I had enough reasons to be bullied, but people always seemed to find more. I had an abusive boyfriend at one time, who continued for four years with the abuse. What else can I add to this list of pity Meaghan she had it rough? The thing is I'm not telling you this for pity, I'm telling you because maybe someone can relate. I know at least one of  you was going through some of the same problems because everyone gets hurt by someone. The problem though, is how you choose to handle these things. I have grown into an adult with many problems from my past. I am resentful, stubborn, I have high anxiety, depression, mood swings, trust issues you name it. Add more of the labeled scientific names on to that list. The crazy thing is though, I have not grown into a hate filled person. I am loving, I am open, honest. I havent let the bad world change me or make me into one of these hurtful people. I have done the opposite. I am flawed yes, but for all the right reasons. The right reasons that make me strong, make me want to be better, live better. If you are suffering from abuse, name calling, people abandoning their instincts to be a parent, anything that makes you feel bad that other people do to you. I have something to tell you. You need to realize that it isnt your fault. Your boyfriend hits you? You didnt do anything wrong. People in class pick on you for whatever reason? There's nothing wrong with you. Your parent/parents arent around to show you love? Its not because you dont deserve it. The problem isnt you like they make you believe. The problem is THEM. They are the ones who need help. They are the ones picking on someone who doesnt deserve it. They hurt people to make themselves feel better, for their own benefit. I had the hardest time realizing this growing up. It was always me who was the problem. I remember telling myself, well maybe if my boobs were smaller, well maybe if  I didnt talk to anyone he wouldnt hit me, maybe if I could be better. No no no. I didnt once stop to think that I was fine, nothing I did or said would've changed how those people acted. You cant change someone who thinks that they are fine and takes their own issues out on you instead. You are not the problem you are just the closest person to pick on. My advice, let it go. Let those people go if nessesary, you dont need them. They will never change regardless of what you do or say. You cant change unless you want to. I know it might be hard, these people might be family, boyfriends, friends. Its hard to realize that someone you love could really be toxic to you, to your life, your feelings. Once you do though, realize that you cant keep putting yourself through that much pain. You deserve better. You deserve love. Let the haters hate, and never blame yourself. Stay strong and keep fighting.

Rocky Situations and...

Hurricanes.

My mind is like a hurricane lately. Its filled with so many thoughts. Thoughts from yesterday, five years ago, from when I was little. Execpt they are all jumbled. My thoughts are flying around so fast that I bearly have time to think of one thing at a time. I have been told lately that I'm being very queit. Which is strange since Im usually the loudest person in the room. I think its because my thoughts consume me. I feel ingulfed by my own mind. I'm lost in ideas for tomorrow, events of today, the pain of yesterday. Im stuck in my own world. I am not sure how to feel about all of it. I just want to feel something. I feel lifeless. Doing the same thing everyday, hearing the same words from the same people. I want to be free. Your mind is a powerful thing that way, making you feel trapped inside it. Holding you hostage inside your own imaginative dreams and fears. I feel like I am a spirit trapped in a unhappy body that is not my own. My heart feels very much alive beating so loud I can hear it beneath my ribs. While my brain and body is set to auto pilot, feeling only the nessary feelings as I repeat the same thing every day. I am unhappy in my own skin. I am unhappy with the way I'm living day to day. I want something more. I crave walks on the beach, buildings I have never seen before, a tiny apartment I can call my own,where I can sit and think of how to decorate my living room, and a body that reflects who I am. I am very much so happy with the people who surround me, my family, my boyfriend. They ignite a flame in my heart that I never knew I had. I'm just ready for new experences, new places. I'm ready to be the grown up woman I am. There is so much I would love to do with my life that I havent started yet. I am stuck in this fusterating part of my brain that feels like it doesnt know where to start. It doesnt know where to go. My heart knows what I want, sadly my brain and my heart arent doing a very good job at communicating. Theres so many things I want that I dont know where to begin, how to begin. I am screaming inside this body. I want this body to be my own again. I want my heart and brain to act as one. I dont know what happend along the way that caused me to feel so inside myself. So trapped in something I dont want to be trapped in. All I know is that I am cabable of changing my life. I am capable of feeling like me again. I can escape my own mind. I just have to work my butt off. I am starting with getting my body back. I have tried time after time to go to the gym and eat healthy but I always find some kind of excuse. I am a food addict. I find excuses for my behavior. That is stopping now. I cant look in the mirror anymore and say I am happy with what I look like. Therefore that has got to change. How can I feel like myself in a body that doesnt reflect who I am? I dont want to put on a t shirt and change it ten million times just because I dont like how the fabric hugs my curves. I want to feel good in anything. I want to feel good in my own skin. That starts today. No more crappy food, no more excuses for not going to the gym. I am in the middle of a rebirth of myself. I'll let you know how it goes...

Getting old, and loving your siblings.

Who says..

Who says I can't write two posts in one day? There's no law against it. So here we go. This one is for my little sister, who in fact turned the big 17 today. This amazing sister of mine is named Saige. She is one of the most craziest, funny, outgoing, strong girls I have ever met. Saige is in high school, she juggles homework, cheer, and finding time for her family and her boyfriend. I dont know how she does it. I think its just dedication. Saige puts her heart into everything she does. I admire her for that. She reminds me a lot of my grandma. She is so loving, kind, and the most funnest person to be around. She lights up every room she walks into. I think the thing I am most proud of is to be a big sister, to Saige and my brother Bryant. They mean so much to me. I dont think they know how much I actually learn from them every day. I am lucky to be so close to my family. I brag everyday to someone about my little sister. (who isnt so little anymore). Me and her have a really great relationship. She tells me when I'm being crazy and I tell her how hard growing up is. I am always happy to get home and see her. I dont think she realizes how big of an inpact she has on people. I always see her making someone laugh. I know that she is growing up to be some wonderful woman, just like my grandma. To be honest, I am somewhat jelous. I wish I could be half the woman that she is becoming. I just hope she realizes how wonderful she is and how much potential she has. I am definetly proud of her. I am proud to call her my little sister. I just wanted to write a blog telling the world how great she is, and to tell her happy 17th birthday. :) She is growing up to fast and its making me realized that here pretty soon I'm going to be 20. Growing up, you never realize how old you are until your siblings start hitting ages you actually remember going through. I love you Saigeypoo and I hope your birthday was a fantastic one. Thank you for being so wonderful and touching everyones heart. You are very talented and driven, you can do anything you set your mind to. So set your goals high and go get them Tiger! Im such a proud big sister :)

Love, Life, and eventful weekends.

Lovely...

Well I had a very eventful weekend. It was busy, Filled with a birthday party (my sisters), Halloween party, and GoCarting with pineview boy. Yes, me and him are working on things. I realized how dumb I was being and that I couldnt live without him for very long, actually more like I didn't want to. Love always finds its way. The funny thing is I find us getting stronger. That's what arguments do to couples I guess. I know nothing about love and how to keep it strong. All I know is how to feel it. With pineview boy I feel nothing else. I'm getting sick of calling him Pineview boy. First reason is because I swore to myself to be always honest on my blog. Second reason is I dont even call him that in real life. I'd call him pookie before ever calling him pineview boy. So I'm just gonna come out and say it. His name is Trevor. Trevor Milarski :) and he is the most amazing man I have ever met. He lights up a room easily. I cant figure out if it's his smile or the way he makes everyone laugh. He is my best friend. Well my second best friend, Emily came first. Plus he is a different kind of best friend because he's also the love of my life. Its funny how many times I have said someone was the love of my life. When growing up you think that every guy who gives you butterflies or buys you flowers is the love of your life. I was naive to have been one of those girls who felt like that. We all go through that though. I am young and still trying to figure out who I am, who I want to be. I am pretty sure Trevor is the one though, they say that you'll feel different when you know. Boy do I feel different. I can tell him anything without being scared he will get mad. I can be myself. I think a lot of our problems were do to my own self consious ways. I was afraid that things would turn out like my past. I was afraid that I am to broken for someone to actually love me, or for me to love someone back for that matter. I was afraid of becoming my mother, dating the wrong, crappy men for the rest of my life. The thing is though, love is a choice, love is opening up to someone. Letting go and trusting them. Dealing with the crazy things they do sometimes. Dealing with the things you dont always like. If dealing with those things means a lifetime with Trev then you got yourself a deal. I cant remember a time when he wasn't here for me. He always have been since we met. Trev has chosen to love me, thats something remarkable. Who would have thought that someone could handle my wild untamed spirit? He does a good job of putting up with me. Of loving me. I think that means I owe it back to him to love him unconditionaly no matter what problems we face. I am trying. I feel myself and our relationship growing stronger every day. I learn from him how to be a better version of myself. He makes me happy everyday. :) This weekend was a fun one, mostly because I spent time with the people I love, laughing and just enjoying being young. Life is short, I also realized that this weekend. I lost a friend in a car accident, and found out a friend also got hurt in the same accident. Your life can change in a blink of an eye. So open up yourself to people. Dont be afriad to fall in love with someone. Its better to have loved, than not to have loved at all.  Take chances on people. You never know where it might get you. Also live your life, espcially for those people you have lost. They would want you to be happy for them, to go on living because you never know what day is your last. They would want you to remember that one day you'll see them again. Be happy, stay young, and live your life to its very fullest, spending time with those who matter most.

Somethings are better off said.

Theres something I haven't told you...

Yeah can you believe that? There's something that I actually havent said on here. A couple months ago I made a decison to check myself into therapy. I was sick of not knowing how to control the way I felt. It was like not being able to control my own life. I felt angry,sad, hurt at random times. I was like a ticking time bomb. I could explode with any given one of those emotions at any given time. In result I told myself I couldn't do it alone anymore and convinced myself to take therapy. I was terrifed that first day. All I could picture was some wierd person telling me to lay down and then proceeding to ask me how I felt about every little thing I said. You know what I'm talking about, its like that one scene you see in thousands of movies. It ended up being nothing like that. I actually sat up straight and was never once asked how I felt about anything. It was actually great. Talking to my therapist was like talking to your favorite hairdresser, you know the one that you tell all your secrets to because they just come spilling out, and who would she tell anyways? It was like that sorta thing. Every bad detail of my life came spilling out of my mouth like word vomit. The funny part was I didn't care. I knew that was why I was there.. It hurt to actually say it, but it was a release. I felt free. My therapist would tell me ways to cope with how I felt, to handle how I felt, and why I felt that way. That was exactly what I needed. No one else I had ever talked to knew that when I was rambling on about my problems that I was asking for help. Help with escaping these feelings, being able to let them go.  I carried such pain, anger, fear from my past that I couldnt even breathe. I was being sufficated by somethings I should've let go years ago. Therapy was like my natural high, I needed it to feel okay again. I needed someone to be there, to help, to just listen. Then I went through a time where I couldnt afford it, I stopped going. I wanted to go, I felt like without it, without being structured about my life I would loose all the ways I learned to cope with things. My life would come crashing down and I'd once become that ticking time bomb. I was scared. Therapy was a crutch for me. A way to let go and admit how screwed up I am without anyone caring or judging me. It helped me in ways that nothing else could. I am definetly stronger than I was before therapy, but I'm still a work in progress. I need to go back. It frustrates me so bad that now that I have money to go, I work to much. I feel frusterated because I know that it would make me feel so much better about what I'm going through. If you ask what I'm going through, it's just life. I feel to fragile, to broken to handle daily challenges and problems. I feel like I could either cry or explode at any given moment. Ticking time bomb Meaghan is supressed by the Meaghan who wants to move on. The Meaghan who is strong and wants to let go. Therapy has taught me a lot about myself that I never knew, it has taught me how to love every side of me. Even the ticking time bomb side. As long at I face what is ticking at me head on I know I'll make it through. I may still have tears, but as said before I'm a work in progress. A china doll being repaired. Therapy is something I would recommend to anyone who is willing to actually try. I speak loudly of the fact that I go. There is no shame in needing help. You just have to admit you need it. We dont all have to suffer inside ourselves. There's soultions for that. Hopefully by the next time I type I'll be back into getting rid of my ticking. Until then, keep fighting, loving, and doing whats best for you.

I knew..

I knew this woman once...

She was beautiful. Not the kind of beautiful that you would notice right away. It wasn't her hair, or the way she smiled when she laughed. It was a deep down to the core beautiful. The kind of beautiful that goes hidden in a small crack of someones soul until they speak kind words and it just simply shines. Have you ever seen a child when they are first born, innocent? You can see it in thier eyes. They dont quite know all the evil that exists in the world. They are yet to be touched by the hate, the lack of compassion, the sadness. This woman had that innocent look embedded in her pretty glowing eyes. She was yet to be touched by the evil that surrounded her. Maybe it was the fact that she just blocked it out? Who really knows. Either way she was untouchable. She had that shine that could blind your eyes. She was commpassionate, she loved without knowing that love could cause pain. She gived all she had without knowing that pretty soon the world could leave her empty. She wasnt model pretty, she didnt need to be. People loved her for the very thing I saw growing in her heart. It was a flame, more like a bonfire with yellow sparks billowing out of it, sparking everything it touched with warmness. She was honest and believed that there was some good in everyone she met. After incountering her I wondered how she could feel this way. Especially when there was people killing, people stealing things that wasnt theirs, people lying. How could you have faith in a society that thought you to believe that hate is embedded in all things living, to trust no one? I believed that she was an angel. Someone sent to this planet to put faith in those who needed it. She was here simply because humanity needed someone like her. Someone to help us, to prove that evil is a war that can be fought with kindness, with love. That not all people should be untrusted. That we should love one another. Didnt someone once say that we are all brothers and sisters and should treat each other as so? We have fallen apart, us human beings are a disaster, turning our backs on each other for selfish reasons. This woman, she was different. She did things for the love of doing them. She helped people without wanting to be repaid. She had an honest to good soul that she never let burn out. She was an angel to more than just me. She would dig into everyones soul and bury herself in it. Making everyone believe that being a genuine good human being was the natural thing. She showed people that evil didnt exsist if only you chose to not believe in it. This woman egnighted a flame in my soul. A flame that grew with everyday I spent with her. She could make any person smile. The first time I met her, she didnt shake my hand, didnt simply say hello instead she ingulfed me in her arms with a hug that could squeeze the life out of anything. Not only was it tight but it was meaningful, it wasnt fake or unhonest. It was real. This woman left a mark on me that no one else has. She showed me what a good guinuine person consisted of. I never once heard her say anything bad, anything that could tear down another persons heart. She was always filled with good intentions up to the rim that spilled over with love. She touched so many people before God decided that he needed her in heaven more. She was to wonderful to be a soul on earth. I believe she left a mark on all the people that needed it and then he took her to where she actually belonged. This lady was my grandma, my friend, and an angel sent to earth. I miss you Grandma. I hope your happy to be home. :) I love you. Thank you for touching my life and changing so many peoples hearts.

Dancing In Rain Storms.

I feel like...

It's raining on my head, yet I'm inside. There's this little cloud that is following me around and just drenching me. It sucks. It's a feeling of depression, sadness, anger. Yes the cloud thing was metephorical if you weren't following me correctly. Lets not get this confused. I have learned that people rarely stay in my life for long periods of time. If they do, then the are something special or a family member. So it doesnt suprise me that someone close to me is drifting away. I feel like he's pulling the "it isnt you its me card". (once agian dont use this on people, it doesnt work) Which really sucks since it probably really is me and he's being sensitve. I have never understood that. Why sugar coat or wrap your words up with sensitvity when someone is already hurting. Just lay it to me straight. Like your typing a letter of all things that are completely honest. If you dont love me fine. I'll love myself. If I'm to honest, fine it wasnt meant to be. I am like a lion or a wild river, I can be calm as can be when I am asleep, but wake me up and I am the most passionate, driven person there is. If I want something I will fight for it until I get it, but I wont pretend to be something I'm not. I'll look like a lion/ river and act like one asleep, alive, or dead. At the end of the day I'm still just what I am, there's no covering it up. I am exsposed to everyone, everything. Maybe that's why when something hurts,it hurts like hell. Because I wasnt pretending ever. I am who I am, uncovered, unveiled, vunerable or whatever you'd want to call it. I mean what I say because I think you should mean it. You cant take back words after you say them but you can look back and remember that you were never lying or hiding even if it did hurt someone at some point. Even if you were vunerable. I dont get when people say "I'm just not an emotional person", how could you not be? This is your life, its right here, the person you love is being pushed away and you feel no emotion towards that? I call bull crap. How can you not be passionate about your own life, how can you not know what it feels like to be angry, to cry, to be happy? The truth is you do know what it feels like your just to damn scared to show people that. Why? Because if you did, you would be a human. You would be breakable,scared. All I can say is I'm glad I am emotional. I will show that to people because if I get hurt, if my heart gets broken at least I can say I know how to feel. I know how to fight. If I can feel pain that means I can feel happiness too. That means that I'm still breathing. Why are people such cowards? Why cant they just fight for what they want or let it go and be honest about the whole situation? Stop worrying about how you make others feel. This is your life, and if your not an "emotional person" then thats just a damn shame. You wont ever know how much you could grow from a heartbreak, you dont know how it feels to look someone in the eye and tell them how much you love them and mean it. You are not living. Your just a body walking around without its soul. Please just step up and uncover yourself, stop letting your pride get in the way. Be passionate about something, someone because if your not sooner or later that person or thing will be gone. If they break your heart remember how good it felt to be with them and forgive and open up to someone else. You have to take the good with the bad and learn how to dance in rainstorm. Because even the rain has its beautiful moments. Dont let someone slip away because your to afraid to show something to say something... stand up and be a lion.

In all that is in favor of Honesty.

First of all....

I'm going to start off with being blunt. Can you handle that? If not then you should probably exit out of this page and go back to serfing the web for pictures of cute kittens or whatever it is that suits your style. I started writing this stupid blog page when my best friend told me how cool it is to have a blog. She lied. No one ever reads these things. If they do its probably your mom or your twice removed grandma on your dads side. Then they tell you how "creative" you are. Its all wishywash bullcrap to make you feel better inside. If it works for you great, start a blog. To be honest I probably wont read it but I guess I could try since your obviously reading mine. The thing that I do have to say  Obviously it doesnt matter who reads it. Look at me a million posts later and I'm still typing away.  I just cant seem to help myself. That sounds stupid. I cant help myself? Because its that easy for me to find time to write my life story on here. BAHAHA thats funny. I take that back. I CAN help myself. I actually like it despite who reads it. Its my heart spilled out onto a electronic peice of paper. I fantsy that kinda thing. Listen to me ramble like always. I bet this is so exicting for you to have to sit through. (not) Personally I dont care what you think. Thats the beauty of this stupid, time consuming, hobby of mine. I dont care who reads it, who likes it, who doesn't. Its a secret greedy passion of my very own. Dont like that? Like I said move on over to the kitty pictures and go on about your day. Fun fact about Meaghan number one: I have always loved writing. Since I first discovered I could. Weather I'm good doesnt really matter. I have written several poems and dairy entrees since I was in middle school. I even wrote a book once. (I'm not trying to brag) Was it a good one? Hell if I know. My family seemed to think so but they always have some biased veiw on how "special" their daughter or family member is. PUKE. I hate that. Why we are on the subject, why cant people just be real and come out and say things? I'm not about to tell someone they should go try to become a professional singer if they sound like a animal that got ran over by a semi truck in the middle of a snow storm. I just wont lower myself to that. Back to the point, I dont seem to care how awful you think my blogs are. Its my way of thinking put into words for all to read. You dont like me fine, but you have read almost half of my post by now so you might as well read on to the next line. Get some laughter out of it, I dont care. Even Funner fact about Meaghan numer two: I dont give two cows butts what you think of me. You dont have to live my life so dont bother telling me how I should go about doing it. I will type whatever whenever I want on my blog. You having to suffer through it and read it is your choice. What I'm saying here is do what you love. Regardless if you suck or not. This isnt my carreer or my whole life its just a little part of me. What I like to do. Think I am lame? Go eat some wierd grape you found off the ground and tell me how much more interesting that was. Like stated in section three or four, I DONT CARE. Ill keep writing weather someones here to read or not. For those of you who do read, Thanks. For those of you who dont, go to the top of this paragraph, read it exit the page and do as instructed. Do your hobby and have fun with it. :) weather it being blogging, sky diving, snowboarding, or playing with yugio cards for all I care. If it makes you happy, you jump up for joy after then by golly knock yourself out. The end. Rant over. Feel free to take it as is.

Wishes Kept In a Jar.

And then it was just me....

Yep. Once again I'm single. No more Pine View boy... I am not creating this blog post to cry over it or say how much I hate him. Because I dont. I still love him. I believe I always will and that's fine. I am just learning how to cope without him. I have always had a problem with being alone. I hate it. The funny thing is I never realized that it's because I cant stand to be with myself. I am so used to focusing on other people so I have never looked at me. I haven't been happy with who I am. Just happy with how others can make me feel. Pine View boy had my heart, he had so much of it that when we split up he took all of it. I feel empty. Like a pumpkin you carve out at Halloween and its left with just it's walls. Like that pumpkin I have a happy face and I'm standing but still I am left hollow.  I know I will be fine, like they say time heals all wounds. I have also decided that dating isnt an option for me anymore. I want to be happy with who I am, in my own skin first. To do that I will have to face myself head on. I need to take time to realize that I am good enough to not need anyone. I hope all of you realize how wonderful you are. I also hope you realize that if someone loves you, trully loves you they will fight for you. If by chance they give up, or you become an option realize that it wasnt meant to be. You will be wounded, but you'll get through it. No one needs someone who doesn't need them. Be wise enough to realize that. I am now dedicatiing all my time to my job and the people in my life that I know aren't going anywhere anytime soon. I feel like I will survive just like I always have, broken or not. All I hope for is happiness for him and I. I hope everyday he wakes up remebering what it feels like to fall asleep with me next to him. I hope he misses me for a split second, then I hope he gets over it. I hope he understands. If he moves on I wouldn't be mad, I'd expect it. You can only do what you have too. You also cant help who you fall in love with. I am a lover. I give people my everything, all that I have. I think that's why I have lost faith in humanity.  How could you give someone everything, then know what it feels like to be hurt, but yet you'd hurt someone the same way someone hurt you. Its awful. I am not blaming him for our breakup it was both of us. I am just wishing people could work things out. That they could try harder to stay in love with people. I wish it would've worked out. I wish a lot of things. Here I am though, just me. Left with my wishes kept in a jar, somewhere deep inside. I will stay as strong as possible and I'll move on eventually... I'll be here healing.

Life Attacks Me Once Again.

Oh please just help me...

Today has been hard. In all aspects, my life has been hard. Heres the run down, I got a job about a week ago at a vitamin company being a receptionist, I sit on my butt all day and have to intertain myself by reading or searching the web. Easy enough huh? The thing is, its so easy its boring. I am the type of person who needs to be on her feet, stressing out all day. That's my kind of fun. Well I have spent months looking for a Dental Assisting job, before finding this job just so that I could do that. This job popped up, I was desperate and grabbed it by the horns before it could run away. That of course being said, I have been sitting here all day doing my thing, never leaving this desk. When I got a phone call. Guess who it was. Of course it was a dental office who was interested in hiring me. Yep. Kill me now. Just tell me about how bad that sucks. This is the sort of timing that makes me want to call my mom, ask her if I could live with her in my grandmas basement for the rest of my life, and she could even tuck me in every night. I hate making life choices such as this one. It would make me feel bad to quit, but would I be happier? Pros and Cons, Pros and Cons. Its like a war between what you think would be the right desision and what wouldn't. Its always been hard to make a choice for me. I just dont understand why I think some things lead me to certain places in life and then when I feel like I am where I should be something changes. I dont feel happy. This isn't what I wanted for myself. I was supposed to get out of High School, head to College, then I would finish my degree as a doctor, live in some huge hous,e have four kids and a perfect husband. That's not what has happened at all. My life is no fairy tale. Not even close to one. Things don't end up how you want them do they? There is no "planning" because something could happen in a blink that would change everything. I'm frusterated. Tired of planning my life when fate will plan the complete opposite for me instead. I give up. Whoever or whatever is controlling my life wins. I can't ever win so I'll let them choose the ropes. I am strong. The only problem with being strong is that when your weak, man are you weak. You feel mad because your no longer that person who can controll everything. Your not that person who can hold your head high. You feel like your being challenged, like your playing a game that you cant win. My adivce, dont give in. If you do you'll be wishing twenty years from now that you didnt. I may be down today, but tomorrow I will have a desision to make that can change my life. I will be okay. I cant always be strong but I cant always be weak either. I am only human. Just remember your only human too. Take life as it comes. See you later for now.

Cups Of Coffee And Faith

Im awake I swear.....

I suck at being a morning person. I have never been able to totally wake up in the mornings. The result to this is tons of coffee. I just cant function without it half the time. Its my sweet little addiction. Have you ever had one of those? Just that one thing you can't see your day being grand without? I have now been committing my time to two jobs. I am at work 24/7. So I am tired, worn out even. Yes, I'm racking in the dough but I am sacrficing a lot to do so. Now I am getting to the whole point of this post. When does making a  sacrfice become to much? When do you give up and say enough is enough? Do you ever get too exhausted, too tired of doing the same old thing? Today is probably that day for me. I am on the verge of wanting to quit. To just stop committing myself to things that make me a better person. The thing is though, I wont. I'm to strong for that and I know it. It would mean letting myself down. Your mind is a powerful thing that way. Even when your body is tired, your mind will urge you on. Telling you not to quit. I believe it's the faith you have in something that makes it so hard to give up. Its your faith in that certain person being there for you always, faith in your job promoting you someday, faith in your legs letting you run just two miles more. If you had nothing to believe in, to hope for, you'd end up a waste of space. Now when I say faith most people think of church or there being a higher being you believe exsists. I'm talking about much more than that. I'm talking about believing in yourself. Believing that you are strong and you can do anything. Weather your tired or not. If you don't believe in yourself, or have faith in everything you do, then what do you have? Nothing. You have nothing at all. Faith comes first to those who beleive that they can rise above anything. That they are strong and noble. The last thing you should ever give up on is you, because you are stuck with yourself forever. There is no escaping you. The bottom line is you just should never stop loving yourself or lose faith in what you have the power to accomplish. You have to realize how great you are, because if you dont then who will? Sometimes I frusterate myself, and feel like there is tons I could do to improve. Starting with kicking my coffee addiction, but I know if I want to I'm strong enough to do that. I wont get mad at myself I will just try harder. Support yourself in all that you do, and have faith. Put your mind into everything you do and remember that your the one person you cant get rid of, so love yourself first.

 

Love, Stress, and Happiness.

Here we go again....

Once again I'm having issues finding time to type my heart out on this blog. Let alone a computer to  type it on. Trust me I have a lot I'd like to share with you if only the means to do so. Recently, I've found myself stuck in a rut. A rut full of moving, job searching, laziness and motivation. The only thing that I know is constant as of now is the man who stands behind me every day. Yep, that's right Pine View boy is still here. Thank goodness for that. I cant seem to find a balance lately. Have you ever felt like that? Like your frazzled. There's twenty thousand things you have planned for your life and they are all stuck in the same exact spot in your brain. Lets just say things come out jumbled. I'm like that crayon box you dig through when you cant seem to decide what color you want for your next extravagant piece of art work. The advice I have to give to myself and to everyone else reading this that feels the same way is, patience. The one virtue that I am very much so lacking in. See, Pine View boy seems to have this down to a T.. He's always telling me "some day" when I ask him crazy questions about our house, or the white and black spotted puppy we are going to have. He reminds me of that word patience, that if you don't take it slow, you'll miss it. All of it. You have to live your life based on what is happening to you right now, at this very exact stinking moment. I understand if this moment isn't your greatest and you'd rather focus on the future because its easier. Trust me, I'm right there with you holding a banner that says run this way for the white picket fence and the dog in the yard. My advice although, is don't. It might not seem like it now, but these hard times are your glory days. The struggle is what will make you stronger. You can't just ignore whats going on at this moment and replace it for something futuristic. What if today was you last day? The last day for that hug from that special someone. The last day to be dancing in the rain. The last day for everything? I bet if it was you'd regret spending it talking about that house your going to have. Live for now, for the good things, there's a little bit of wonderful in everything that is awful. Find it. Search for the good in that rain storm, the good in saying goodbye, or even the good in job searching. Don't let certain moments pass you by because your to busy worrying about what is ahead, or you just might miss your whole darn life. That would be a shame. So, keep your head held high as always, smile and take it one step at a time. As for now and always I'll be here, typing you words of wisdom. Its your choice to take it as it is or not at all. Oh and special thanks to Pine View boy for the idea for this blog post and also for letting me use his computer to type it on up. If your reading, I love you :). Ta Ta for now folks.

Feelings beyond words

Finding Love and Happiness.

Its been a while since I have committed myself to my blog world, I have had so much going on. For that I am sorry, but I am now writing once again so here we go. Through out my life I have been hurt by a lot of men. Every boyfriend I thought I loved sucked. They were the kind of relationships that ended with my head shoved into a Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream bowl, and any movie on that could make me cry until I couldn't anymore. See back then I thought that meant true love, if your heart literally broke when he left you it must be love. That was until it started happening with every relationship I had ever been in, they all ended the same. Then I changed my mind. From then on out love just simply didn't exist. I started dating someone and stayed in that relationship just to say I was in one. I wasn't truly happy because in my world being happy would mean love, and if i remembered correctly that sorta thing didn't exist. Then I met him... this guy who took my breath away and swept me off my feet. That sounds cliche and all but its damn close to the truth. He had my heart the moment I saw him sitting on Pine view's beach with his toes in the water. We were friends at first, and then he made me believe in love. I fell, and boy did I fall hard. I don't know if it was the late night  texting conversations or that he is as ticklish as I am. He changed how I feel about love, he smiles at me and that's all it takes. I never knew I could care about someone so much. To be honest it is scary, but its the feeling you get on a roller coaster kind of scary, your so scared but yet you'd do anything to ride again because it makes you feel good. He's my best friend, I can tell him anything and everything and at the end of the day he will still be there holding my hand, and that right there is love within itself. I have never felt the feelings I feel when I'm with him with anyone else, and that's the kind of feeling I'd fight for. I guess what I'm saying is you should give love a chance if you feel it. Don't let a person who makes you feel so alive go. They could be everything you've ever wanted. No matter how hard the situation is or what you'll have to go through to keep that person, keep them. You wont find love in a Ben and Jerry's Ice cream container, hell you probably wont find yours on Pine view's beach either, but that's not the point. No matter where you find love, weather it's in the strangest of places or a cousin of a friend, keep it. You'll be the happiest person alive once you find it. I love my relationship now. Not because I can say I have one, or show him off to my friends and family, but because we are truly in love. At the end of the day he loves me for me, and that's the kind of person I want to spend forever with, he's my one worth fighting for, and someday, I swear I'll marry that boy. Find the person you can be you around and that can bring you nothing but pure happiness and love.