Loving My Skin.

We Except...

the love we think we deserve. Isn't this a hard learned fact? It's truer for me than I thought it was. The love that I once thought I deserved turned out not to be love at all. It was something else. Something like a lust, or a phase, maybe even a crush. The idea of love that I have is giving yourself to someone else. Handing over ever bit of your soul to make someone else happy. I loved to much. I thought people who didnt deserve what I gave them deserved it, so I gave them my all. What do you think happened? I got nothing in return. Nothing but heartache and lessons learned. I thought I deserved that. I thought I deserved someone making me an option. I thought I deserved to be yelled at, to be told that I was nothing at one point and time. I no longer feel that way. No one deserves heartaches and tears that keep on coming. I deserve holding hands, late night talks about nothing, having my door opened, being told I am loved even when I am stubborn. I deserve a love that I am afraid might not exist. I have realized that I feel like every relationship is that kind of love when its just good at pretending. Is it because I hope that this time it actually is? Is it because I have more faith in humans then they deserve? Probably all of the above. I want a love like The Titanic, The Notebook. A love that is to strong to ever end. A love that is real. Not hidden behind false pretences or lies. I guess if  I want this kind of love I shall have to start with loving myself. You see, I am content with that. I am finally content with being alone. I dont need someone anymore. Especially someone who could just cause heartache. I am tired of that feeling, the feeling of emptiness once you lose someone. I am to strong to feel those for no reason at all except for that I gave someone a chance they didnt deserve. I no longer need anyone to make me feel not so alone. The truth is, I was never alone to begin with. Myself and my family are enough. I never needed a man, I just wanted one. Then the wanting in my head got confused with the needing emotion I felt in my heart. I fell for men to hard, I have no walls to keep someone out. I am an open castle just waiting to be torn down. Do you ever feel like that? Like your uncapable of hurting anyone but people still tear you down? I am no longer looking for love. I dont believe in fairy tales where you ride of into the sunset. I dont believe in the "perfect guy" because I'm always worried now. Always waiting for him to slowly stop trying, to slowly change. I want to believe in love so bad it tears my heart apart. I want to believe there is good in people when really its just a mirage. I want to feel special, like no one else could compare to me. I want to feel like a princess, but if fairytales dont exist princess's probably dont either. I can make myself happy. I dont need this crazy love thing that everyone spends half their lives searching for, but it sure would be nice. I am no longer in search for that. I am in search for myself. I am working on the things that I want. I am taking pride in just being me, of being free, and thats all I could really ever need to be happy. I am happy enough in my own skin that I dont need some guy telling me what that skin should look like.