Heartbeats and Footsteps

Changes...

I feel it down in my soul. My very heart aches with the feeling of losing the person I once was. I am no longer surrounded by the pain to not be in control of my own life. I no longer feel hate towards who I am becoming. I am strong. I prove it everyday, in the long ten hours I spend working, in the very core of my muscles as I run at the gym. I am no longer harnessed by feelings in the past. They do not haunt me. I am no longer a little girl. I have found a new light within myself that I had no clue exsisted. There is a passion towards myself that I never knew I could feel. Life is to short to keep living with hate towards yourself because of things you arent in control of. I feel strong in my own skin, like I could take on anything, anyone. I am no longer afraid of my future or the haunting dreams I have about the past. I am finally in this moment. I am finally free. I am becoming the best version of me I can possibly be and I have done it all by myself. Who knew? Who knew that I didnt need anyone all along? I didnt need to fix anyone for me to feel okay again, I didnt need an apology from anyone. I needed to find love. Love for myself that I didnt know I was capable having. I needed to find a smile that truly felt like mine, a smile that I gifted myself with. I needed to feel my own warmth, the warmth of my own living, beating heart. No one elses. I am now in charge of who I am. Who I would like to become. No one else is writing my future out on old scripted paper for me. I define my own life. I decide who I want to be, how I want to feel. I am no longer in pain, I can feel. I feel happiness in just being who I am. Finally. I feel like I can breathe. I am not sure what has grown into my heart to teach me these things in the last couple of days but I pray that it never goes away again. I feel reborn into the true definition of who I am. I am Meaghan. No simple word I scribble down on paper can define what is in my soul. I am no longer someone who hates who she is. I no longer doubt myself. I am no longer envy of others for the life I dont have. I am no longer gelous of someones body. I am capable of morphing myself into whoever I'd like to be. I am strong enough to push myself into exhaustion and feel good about it. I am my own self, I have my own story that is no longer defined in the shadows of others. I am no longer a lifeless person looking for a goal, looking for something, someone to define my existence. I define myself. That is the most wonderful feeling I have felt in my whole entire life. To be able to say that I no longer need to care what you expect  from me. I no longer need to try and be that person who would make you happy. I no longer am worried about all the times people have hurt me without me doing a single thing. I make myself feel good enough. I am finally happy in my skin, happy in my soul. You do not define me. I am not that girl who is dating that one guy, I am not so and so's best friend, so and so's daughter. I am Meaghan. The best version of Meaghan to ever exsist in this very moment. There is more to me than I have ever thought I was capable of having. I took a walk in my own heart and discovered that I am nothing like I thought I had to be. I am no longer afraid of anything. I will be Meaghan, undefined by expectations, others problems,pain. I am smiling, a smile that finally can radiate from my heart. It is no longer fake because no one put it there but my very own self. and that, that right there is all I could ever hope for. All I ever wanted was to be happy, if only I knew that the only person who could truely make myself feel that way, was me.