Fighting Demons

Make it good.

There is so many people who dont know how to treat one another. That suffering you go through from bullies in elementary school, yeah I had those, plenty of them. That parent who never was there when you needed them, that person who you wish didnt act like they hated you when there was people around but changed their mind when you two were alone. Things like that can make you hate who you are, who you are growing to be. Growing up was a rough time for me, probably not the worst compared to others, but I went through a lot during my childhood. I was stuck in an invironment no child should grow up in. I was that girl in school who "developed" faster than everyone else. I have always had a raspy voice that people have taken note of. I experienced hormone and girl changes all by myself. My cousin was the one who taught me how to shave my legs, not my mother. I had enough reasons to be bullied, but people always seemed to find more. I had an abusive boyfriend at one time, who continued for four years with the abuse. What else can I add to this list of pity Meaghan she had it rough? The thing is I'm not telling you this for pity, I'm telling you because maybe someone can relate. I know at least one of  you was going through some of the same problems because everyone gets hurt by someone. The problem though, is how you choose to handle these things. I have grown into an adult with many problems from my past. I am resentful, stubborn, I have high anxiety, depression, mood swings, trust issues you name it. Add more of the labeled scientific names on to that list. The crazy thing is though, I have not grown into a hate filled person. I am loving, I am open, honest. I havent let the bad world change me or make me into one of these hurtful people. I have done the opposite. I am flawed yes, but for all the right reasons. The right reasons that make me strong, make me want to be better, live better. If you are suffering from abuse, name calling, people abandoning their instincts to be a parent, anything that makes you feel bad that other people do to you. I have something to tell you. You need to realize that it isnt your fault. Your boyfriend hits you? You didnt do anything wrong. People in class pick on you for whatever reason? There's nothing wrong with you. Your parent/parents arent around to show you love? Its not because you dont deserve it. The problem isnt you like they make you believe. The problem is THEM. They are the ones who need help. They are the ones picking on someone who doesnt deserve it. They hurt people to make themselves feel better, for their own benefit. I had the hardest time realizing this growing up. It was always me who was the problem. I remember telling myself, well maybe if my boobs were smaller, well maybe if  I didnt talk to anyone he wouldnt hit me, maybe if I could be better. No no no. I didnt once stop to think that I was fine, nothing I did or said would've changed how those people acted. You cant change someone who thinks that they are fine and takes their own issues out on you instead. You are not the problem you are just the closest person to pick on. My advice, let it go. Let those people go if nessesary, you dont need them. They will never change regardless of what you do or say. You cant change unless you want to. I know it might be hard, these people might be family, boyfriends, friends. Its hard to realize that someone you love could really be toxic to you, to your life, your feelings. Once you do though, realize that you cant keep putting yourself through that much pain. You deserve better. You deserve love. Let the haters hate, and never blame yourself. Stay strong and keep fighting.