Hurricanes.
My mind is like a hurricane lately. Its filled with so many thoughts. Thoughts from yesterday, five years ago, from when I was little. Execpt they are all jumbled. My thoughts are flying around so fast that I bearly have time to think of one thing at a time. I have been told lately that I'm being very queit. Which is strange since Im usually the loudest person in the room. I think its because my thoughts consume me. I feel ingulfed by my own mind. I'm lost in ideas for tomorrow, events of today, the pain of yesterday. Im stuck in my own world. I am not sure how to feel about all of it. I just want to feel something. I feel lifeless. Doing the same thing everyday, hearing the same words from the same people. I want to be free. Your mind is a powerful thing that way, making you feel trapped inside it. Holding you hostage inside your own imaginative dreams and fears. I feel like I am a spirit trapped in a unhappy body that is not my own. My heart feels very much alive beating so loud I can hear it beneath my ribs. While my brain and body is set to auto pilot, feeling only the nessary feelings as I repeat the same thing every day. I am unhappy in my own skin. I am unhappy with the way I'm living day to day. I want something more. I crave walks on the beach, buildings I have never seen before, a tiny apartment I can call my own,where I can sit and think of how to decorate my living room, and a body that reflects who I am. I am very much so happy with the people who surround me, my family, my boyfriend. They ignite a flame in my heart that I never knew I had. I'm just ready for new experences, new places. I'm ready to be the grown up woman I am. There is so much I would love to do with my life that I havent started yet. I am stuck in this fusterating part of my brain that feels like it doesnt know where to start. It doesnt know where to go. My heart knows what I want, sadly my brain and my heart arent doing a very good job at communicating. Theres so many things I want that I dont know where to begin, how to begin. I am screaming inside this body. I want this body to be my own again. I want my heart and brain to act as one. I dont know what happend along the way that caused me to feel so inside myself. So trapped in something I dont want to be trapped in. All I know is that I am cabable of changing my life. I am capable of feeling like me again. I can escape my own mind. I just have to work my butt off. I am starting with getting my body back. I have tried time after time to go to the gym and eat healthy but I always find some kind of excuse. I am a food addict. I find excuses for my behavior. That is stopping now. I cant look in the mirror anymore and say I am happy with what I look like. Therefore that has got to change. How can I feel like myself in a body that doesnt reflect who I am? I dont want to put on a t shirt and change it ten million times just because I dont like how the fabric hugs my curves. I want to feel good in anything. I want to feel good in my own skin. That starts today. No more crappy food, no more excuses for not going to the gym. I am in the middle of a rebirth of myself. I'll let you know how it goes...
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