Somethings are better off said.

Theres something I haven't told you...

Yeah can you believe that? There's something that I actually havent said on here. A couple months ago I made a decison to check myself into therapy. I was sick of not knowing how to control the way I felt. It was like not being able to control my own life. I felt angry,sad, hurt at random times. I was like a ticking time bomb. I could explode with any given one of those emotions at any given time. In result I told myself I couldn't do it alone anymore and convinced myself to take therapy. I was terrifed that first day. All I could picture was some wierd person telling me to lay down and then proceeding to ask me how I felt about every little thing I said. You know what I'm talking about, its like that one scene you see in thousands of movies. It ended up being nothing like that. I actually sat up straight and was never once asked how I felt about anything. It was actually great. Talking to my therapist was like talking to your favorite hairdresser, you know the one that you tell all your secrets to because they just come spilling out, and who would she tell anyways? It was like that sorta thing. Every bad detail of my life came spilling out of my mouth like word vomit. The funny part was I didn't care. I knew that was why I was there.. It hurt to actually say it, but it was a release. I felt free. My therapist would tell me ways to cope with how I felt, to handle how I felt, and why I felt that way. That was exactly what I needed. No one else I had ever talked to knew that when I was rambling on about my problems that I was asking for help. Help with escaping these feelings, being able to let them go.  I carried such pain, anger, fear from my past that I couldnt even breathe. I was being sufficated by somethings I should've let go years ago. Therapy was like my natural high, I needed it to feel okay again. I needed someone to be there, to help, to just listen. Then I went through a time where I couldnt afford it, I stopped going. I wanted to go, I felt like without it, without being structured about my life I would loose all the ways I learned to cope with things. My life would come crashing down and I'd once become that ticking time bomb. I was scared. Therapy was a crutch for me. A way to let go and admit how screwed up I am without anyone caring or judging me. It helped me in ways that nothing else could. I am definetly stronger than I was before therapy, but I'm still a work in progress. I need to go back. It frustrates me so bad that now that I have money to go, I work to much. I feel frusterated because I know that it would make me feel so much better about what I'm going through. If you ask what I'm going through, it's just life. I feel to fragile, to broken to handle daily challenges and problems. I feel like I could either cry or explode at any given moment. Ticking time bomb Meaghan is supressed by the Meaghan who wants to move on. The Meaghan who is strong and wants to let go. Therapy has taught me a lot about myself that I never knew, it has taught me how to love every side of me. Even the ticking time bomb side. As long at I face what is ticking at me head on I know I'll make it through. I may still have tears, but as said before I'm a work in progress. A china doll being repaired. Therapy is something I would recommend to anyone who is willing to actually try. I speak loudly of the fact that I go. There is no shame in needing help. You just have to admit you need it. We dont all have to suffer inside ourselves. There's soultions for that. Hopefully by the next time I type I'll be back into getting rid of my ticking. Until then, keep fighting, loving, and doing whats best for you.