Lost In Questions

Forgiveness...

I have been having to deal with this word a lot in the last couple of days. It's a hard thing to do for me. Its a word that is filled with fear. Fear for yourself and your heart. How do you know if you forgive someone they wont turn arond and hurt you again? There isa fine line between knowing what you should do and knowing if you do it you put yourself at risk. When do you decide that forgiving someone is what you have to do even though you could suffer? When is the right time to put others first? I have learned the hard way that forgiveness is a double serated knife. If you choose to live with hate in your heart you will become bitter, cold, dark and horrible. You choose not to forgive and you grow angry. On the other hand, if you forgive someone there is always that chance that person wasnt honest when they asked you for that apology. That they could choose to go down the same path that made you heartbroken. There's that saying that is something like you can forgive and choose not to forget. Is that even really forgiving? If you dont let it go you still have a part of that hate growing in your heart dont you? Or do you push that back and just keep it in the dusty part of your brain until that person makes the same mistake?  Then theres the question of what is a "mistake"? If you keep doing something over and over again doesnt it then become intentional, a growing habit? When does "sorry" no longer cut it? Forgivness is such a hard thing. Especially when it comes to family, your supposed to be there for them right? Then why do you even question if they deserve to be forgiven? Is it because your own heart is so filled with anger and fear? I dont know when enough is enough or when forgiving someone no longer becomes an option. I feel no hate in my heart. Only pain, pain for what people choose to put themselves through. Pain for the thought of losing someone over their own mistakes. I feel anger, for what that person has chosen to do to the people who love them. Does this mean I am uncapable of forgiveness because the pain is unbearable? Maybe the anger is to strong? I think that if you give me a reason to forgive you I will, but if you give me a reason to push you away I will no longer offer my love. Forgiveness means sacrfice. Sacrficing yourself for the love you have for another individual. If you cant see how much you hurt someone when they have decided to sacrifce their hearts for you and you screw it up time after time, then you are no longer human. You can no longer feel. You are a selfish individual that would do whatever it takes to get what you want regardless of who you hurt. You are no longer worthy of being forgiven because you no longer understand what it takes for someone to forgive you. How many times do you put yourself though pain for the sake of another individual before you can no longer handle it? When is enough enough? I guess the only person who could answer that question is you. Only you know the pain someone is capable of putting you through. Only you know how much you can indure before it becomes more harmful then good. People only deserve to be forgiven if they understand what they are doing wrong in the first place. You cant fix a problem unless you admit you have one. Forgiving someone wont fix them, wont save them, wont make them change. They have to want it for themselves. Once they prove by actions that they want itis when forgiveness for me no longer becomes and option it becomes a choice, a choice I dont have to think twice about. I want to be able to forgive everyone in my life, but you first have to show me why you deserve it.