Rocky Situations and...

Hurricanes.

My mind is like a hurricane lately. Its filled with so many thoughts. Thoughts from yesterday, five years ago, from when I was little. Execpt they are all jumbled. My thoughts are flying around so fast that I bearly have time to think of one thing at a time. I have been told lately that I'm being very queit. Which is strange since Im usually the loudest person in the room. I think its because my thoughts consume me. I feel ingulfed by my own mind. I'm lost in ideas for tomorrow, events of today, the pain of yesterday. Im stuck in my own world. I am not sure how to feel about all of it. I just want to feel something. I feel lifeless. Doing the same thing everyday, hearing the same words from the same people. I want to be free. Your mind is a powerful thing that way, making you feel trapped inside it. Holding you hostage inside your own imaginative dreams and fears. I feel like I am a spirit trapped in a unhappy body that is not my own. My heart feels very much alive beating so loud I can hear it beneath my ribs. While my brain and body is set to auto pilot, feeling only the nessary feelings as I repeat the same thing every day. I am unhappy in my own skin. I am unhappy with the way I'm living day to day. I want something more. I crave walks on the beach, buildings I have never seen before, a tiny apartment I can call my own,where I can sit and think of how to decorate my living room, and a body that reflects who I am. I am very much so happy with the people who surround me, my family, my boyfriend. They ignite a flame in my heart that I never knew I had. I'm just ready for new experences, new places. I'm ready to be the grown up woman I am. There is so much I would love to do with my life that I havent started yet. I am stuck in this fusterating part of my brain that feels like it doesnt know where to start. It doesnt know where to go. My heart knows what I want, sadly my brain and my heart arent doing a very good job at communicating. Theres so many things I want that I dont know where to begin, how to begin. I am screaming inside this body. I want this body to be my own again. I want my heart and brain to act as one. I dont know what happend along the way that caused me to feel so inside myself. So trapped in something I dont want to be trapped in. All I know is that I am cabable of changing my life. I am capable of feeling like me again. I can escape my own mind. I just have to work my butt off. I am starting with getting my body back. I have tried time after time to go to the gym and eat healthy but I always find some kind of excuse. I am a food addict. I find excuses for my behavior. That is stopping now. I cant look in the mirror anymore and say I am happy with what I look like. Therefore that has got to change. How can I feel like myself in a body that doesnt reflect who I am? I dont want to put on a t shirt and change it ten million times just because I dont like how the fabric hugs my curves. I want to feel good in anything. I want to feel good in my own skin. That starts today. No more crappy food, no more excuses for not going to the gym. I am in the middle of a rebirth of myself. I'll let you know how it goes...

Getting old, and loving your siblings.

Who says..

Who says I can't write two posts in one day? There's no law against it. So here we go. This one is for my little sister, who in fact turned the big 17 today. This amazing sister of mine is named Saige. She is one of the most craziest, funny, outgoing, strong girls I have ever met. Saige is in high school, she juggles homework, cheer, and finding time for her family and her boyfriend. I dont know how she does it. I think its just dedication. Saige puts her heart into everything she does. I admire her for that. She reminds me a lot of my grandma. She is so loving, kind, and the most funnest person to be around. She lights up every room she walks into. I think the thing I am most proud of is to be a big sister, to Saige and my brother Bryant. They mean so much to me. I dont think they know how much I actually learn from them every day. I am lucky to be so close to my family. I brag everyday to someone about my little sister. (who isnt so little anymore). Me and her have a really great relationship. She tells me when I'm being crazy and I tell her how hard growing up is. I am always happy to get home and see her. I dont think she realizes how big of an inpact she has on people. I always see her making someone laugh. I know that she is growing up to be some wonderful woman, just like my grandma. To be honest, I am somewhat jelous. I wish I could be half the woman that she is becoming. I just hope she realizes how wonderful she is and how much potential she has. I am definetly proud of her. I am proud to call her my little sister. I just wanted to write a blog telling the world how great she is, and to tell her happy 17th birthday. :) She is growing up to fast and its making me realized that here pretty soon I'm going to be 20. Growing up, you never realize how old you are until your siblings start hitting ages you actually remember going through. I love you Saigeypoo and I hope your birthday was a fantastic one. Thank you for being so wonderful and touching everyones heart. You are very talented and driven, you can do anything you set your mind to. So set your goals high and go get them Tiger! Im such a proud big sister :)

Love, Life, and eventful weekends.

Lovely...

Well I had a very eventful weekend. It was busy, Filled with a birthday party (my sisters), Halloween party, and GoCarting with pineview boy. Yes, me and him are working on things. I realized how dumb I was being and that I couldnt live without him for very long, actually more like I didn't want to. Love always finds its way. The funny thing is I find us getting stronger. That's what arguments do to couples I guess. I know nothing about love and how to keep it strong. All I know is how to feel it. With pineview boy I feel nothing else. I'm getting sick of calling him Pineview boy. First reason is because I swore to myself to be always honest on my blog. Second reason is I dont even call him that in real life. I'd call him pookie before ever calling him pineview boy. So I'm just gonna come out and say it. His name is Trevor. Trevor Milarski :) and he is the most amazing man I have ever met. He lights up a room easily. I cant figure out if it's his smile or the way he makes everyone laugh. He is my best friend. Well my second best friend, Emily came first. Plus he is a different kind of best friend because he's also the love of my life. Its funny how many times I have said someone was the love of my life. When growing up you think that every guy who gives you butterflies or buys you flowers is the love of your life. I was naive to have been one of those girls who felt like that. We all go through that though. I am young and still trying to figure out who I am, who I want to be. I am pretty sure Trevor is the one though, they say that you'll feel different when you know. Boy do I feel different. I can tell him anything without being scared he will get mad. I can be myself. I think a lot of our problems were do to my own self consious ways. I was afraid that things would turn out like my past. I was afraid that I am to broken for someone to actually love me, or for me to love someone back for that matter. I was afraid of becoming my mother, dating the wrong, crappy men for the rest of my life. The thing is though, love is a choice, love is opening up to someone. Letting go and trusting them. Dealing with the crazy things they do sometimes. Dealing with the things you dont always like. If dealing with those things means a lifetime with Trev then you got yourself a deal. I cant remember a time when he wasn't here for me. He always have been since we met. Trev has chosen to love me, thats something remarkable. Who would have thought that someone could handle my wild untamed spirit? He does a good job of putting up with me. Of loving me. I think that means I owe it back to him to love him unconditionaly no matter what problems we face. I am trying. I feel myself and our relationship growing stronger every day. I learn from him how to be a better version of myself. He makes me happy everyday. :) This weekend was a fun one, mostly because I spent time with the people I love, laughing and just enjoying being young. Life is short, I also realized that this weekend. I lost a friend in a car accident, and found out a friend also got hurt in the same accident. Your life can change in a blink of an eye. So open up yourself to people. Dont be afriad to fall in love with someone. Its better to have loved, than not to have loved at all.  Take chances on people. You never know where it might get you. Also live your life, espcially for those people you have lost. They would want you to be happy for them, to go on living because you never know what day is your last. They would want you to remember that one day you'll see them again. Be happy, stay young, and live your life to its very fullest, spending time with those who matter most.

Somethings are better off said.

Theres something I haven't told you...

Yeah can you believe that? There's something that I actually havent said on here. A couple months ago I made a decison to check myself into therapy. I was sick of not knowing how to control the way I felt. It was like not being able to control my own life. I felt angry,sad, hurt at random times. I was like a ticking time bomb. I could explode with any given one of those emotions at any given time. In result I told myself I couldn't do it alone anymore and convinced myself to take therapy. I was terrifed that first day. All I could picture was some wierd person telling me to lay down and then proceeding to ask me how I felt about every little thing I said. You know what I'm talking about, its like that one scene you see in thousands of movies. It ended up being nothing like that. I actually sat up straight and was never once asked how I felt about anything. It was actually great. Talking to my therapist was like talking to your favorite hairdresser, you know the one that you tell all your secrets to because they just come spilling out, and who would she tell anyways? It was like that sorta thing. Every bad detail of my life came spilling out of my mouth like word vomit. The funny part was I didn't care. I knew that was why I was there.. It hurt to actually say it, but it was a release. I felt free. My therapist would tell me ways to cope with how I felt, to handle how I felt, and why I felt that way. That was exactly what I needed. No one else I had ever talked to knew that when I was rambling on about my problems that I was asking for help. Help with escaping these feelings, being able to let them go.  I carried such pain, anger, fear from my past that I couldnt even breathe. I was being sufficated by somethings I should've let go years ago. Therapy was like my natural high, I needed it to feel okay again. I needed someone to be there, to help, to just listen. Then I went through a time where I couldnt afford it, I stopped going. I wanted to go, I felt like without it, without being structured about my life I would loose all the ways I learned to cope with things. My life would come crashing down and I'd once become that ticking time bomb. I was scared. Therapy was a crutch for me. A way to let go and admit how screwed up I am without anyone caring or judging me. It helped me in ways that nothing else could. I am definetly stronger than I was before therapy, but I'm still a work in progress. I need to go back. It frustrates me so bad that now that I have money to go, I work to much. I feel frusterated because I know that it would make me feel so much better about what I'm going through. If you ask what I'm going through, it's just life. I feel to fragile, to broken to handle daily challenges and problems. I feel like I could either cry or explode at any given moment. Ticking time bomb Meaghan is supressed by the Meaghan who wants to move on. The Meaghan who is strong and wants to let go. Therapy has taught me a lot about myself that I never knew, it has taught me how to love every side of me. Even the ticking time bomb side. As long at I face what is ticking at me head on I know I'll make it through. I may still have tears, but as said before I'm a work in progress. A china doll being repaired. Therapy is something I would recommend to anyone who is willing to actually try. I speak loudly of the fact that I go. There is no shame in needing help. You just have to admit you need it. We dont all have to suffer inside ourselves. There's soultions for that. Hopefully by the next time I type I'll be back into getting rid of my ticking. Until then, keep fighting, loving, and doing whats best for you.

I knew..

I knew this woman once...

She was beautiful. Not the kind of beautiful that you would notice right away. It wasn't her hair, or the way she smiled when she laughed. It was a deep down to the core beautiful. The kind of beautiful that goes hidden in a small crack of someones soul until they speak kind words and it just simply shines. Have you ever seen a child when they are first born, innocent? You can see it in thier eyes. They dont quite know all the evil that exists in the world. They are yet to be touched by the hate, the lack of compassion, the sadness. This woman had that innocent look embedded in her pretty glowing eyes. She was yet to be touched by the evil that surrounded her. Maybe it was the fact that she just blocked it out? Who really knows. Either way she was untouchable. She had that shine that could blind your eyes. She was commpassionate, she loved without knowing that love could cause pain. She gived all she had without knowing that pretty soon the world could leave her empty. She wasnt model pretty, she didnt need to be. People loved her for the very thing I saw growing in her heart. It was a flame, more like a bonfire with yellow sparks billowing out of it, sparking everything it touched with warmness. She was honest and believed that there was some good in everyone she met. After incountering her I wondered how she could feel this way. Especially when there was people killing, people stealing things that wasnt theirs, people lying. How could you have faith in a society that thought you to believe that hate is embedded in all things living, to trust no one? I believed that she was an angel. Someone sent to this planet to put faith in those who needed it. She was here simply because humanity needed someone like her. Someone to help us, to prove that evil is a war that can be fought with kindness, with love. That not all people should be untrusted. That we should love one another. Didnt someone once say that we are all brothers and sisters and should treat each other as so? We have fallen apart, us human beings are a disaster, turning our backs on each other for selfish reasons. This woman, she was different. She did things for the love of doing them. She helped people without wanting to be repaid. She had an honest to good soul that she never let burn out. She was an angel to more than just me. She would dig into everyones soul and bury herself in it. Making everyone believe that being a genuine good human being was the natural thing. She showed people that evil didnt exsist if only you chose to not believe in it. This woman egnighted a flame in my soul. A flame that grew with everyday I spent with her. She could make any person smile. The first time I met her, she didnt shake my hand, didnt simply say hello instead she ingulfed me in her arms with a hug that could squeeze the life out of anything. Not only was it tight but it was meaningful, it wasnt fake or unhonest. It was real. This woman left a mark on me that no one else has. She showed me what a good guinuine person consisted of. I never once heard her say anything bad, anything that could tear down another persons heart. She was always filled with good intentions up to the rim that spilled over with love. She touched so many people before God decided that he needed her in heaven more. She was to wonderful to be a soul on earth. I believe she left a mark on all the people that needed it and then he took her to where she actually belonged. This lady was my grandma, my friend, and an angel sent to earth. I miss you Grandma. I hope your happy to be home. :) I love you. Thank you for touching my life and changing so many peoples hearts.

Dancing In Rain Storms.

I feel like...

It's raining on my head, yet I'm inside. There's this little cloud that is following me around and just drenching me. It sucks. It's a feeling of depression, sadness, anger. Yes the cloud thing was metephorical if you weren't following me correctly. Lets not get this confused. I have learned that people rarely stay in my life for long periods of time. If they do, then the are something special or a family member. So it doesnt suprise me that someone close to me is drifting away. I feel like he's pulling the "it isnt you its me card". (once agian dont use this on people, it doesnt work) Which really sucks since it probably really is me and he's being sensitve. I have never understood that. Why sugar coat or wrap your words up with sensitvity when someone is already hurting. Just lay it to me straight. Like your typing a letter of all things that are completely honest. If you dont love me fine. I'll love myself. If I'm to honest, fine it wasnt meant to be. I am like a lion or a wild river, I can be calm as can be when I am asleep, but wake me up and I am the most passionate, driven person there is. If I want something I will fight for it until I get it, but I wont pretend to be something I'm not. I'll look like a lion/ river and act like one asleep, alive, or dead. At the end of the day I'm still just what I am, there's no covering it up. I am exsposed to everyone, everything. Maybe that's why when something hurts,it hurts like hell. Because I wasnt pretending ever. I am who I am, uncovered, unveiled, vunerable or whatever you'd want to call it. I mean what I say because I think you should mean it. You cant take back words after you say them but you can look back and remember that you were never lying or hiding even if it did hurt someone at some point. Even if you were vunerable. I dont get when people say "I'm just not an emotional person", how could you not be? This is your life, its right here, the person you love is being pushed away and you feel no emotion towards that? I call bull crap. How can you not be passionate about your own life, how can you not know what it feels like to be angry, to cry, to be happy? The truth is you do know what it feels like your just to damn scared to show people that. Why? Because if you did, you would be a human. You would be breakable,scared. All I can say is I'm glad I am emotional. I will show that to people because if I get hurt, if my heart gets broken at least I can say I know how to feel. I know how to fight. If I can feel pain that means I can feel happiness too. That means that I'm still breathing. Why are people such cowards? Why cant they just fight for what they want or let it go and be honest about the whole situation? Stop worrying about how you make others feel. This is your life, and if your not an "emotional person" then thats just a damn shame. You wont ever know how much you could grow from a heartbreak, you dont know how it feels to look someone in the eye and tell them how much you love them and mean it. You are not living. Your just a body walking around without its soul. Please just step up and uncover yourself, stop letting your pride get in the way. Be passionate about something, someone because if your not sooner or later that person or thing will be gone. If they break your heart remember how good it felt to be with them and forgive and open up to someone else. You have to take the good with the bad and learn how to dance in rainstorm. Because even the rain has its beautiful moments. Dont let someone slip away because your to afraid to show something to say something... stand up and be a lion.

In all that is in favor of Honesty.

First of all....

I'm going to start off with being blunt. Can you handle that? If not then you should probably exit out of this page and go back to serfing the web for pictures of cute kittens or whatever it is that suits your style. I started writing this stupid blog page when my best friend told me how cool it is to have a blog. She lied. No one ever reads these things. If they do its probably your mom or your twice removed grandma on your dads side. Then they tell you how "creative" you are. Its all wishywash bullcrap to make you feel better inside. If it works for you great, start a blog. To be honest I probably wont read it but I guess I could try since your obviously reading mine. The thing that I do have to say  Obviously it doesnt matter who reads it. Look at me a million posts later and I'm still typing away.  I just cant seem to help myself. That sounds stupid. I cant help myself? Because its that easy for me to find time to write my life story on here. BAHAHA thats funny. I take that back. I CAN help myself. I actually like it despite who reads it. Its my heart spilled out onto a electronic peice of paper. I fantsy that kinda thing. Listen to me ramble like always. I bet this is so exicting for you to have to sit through. (not) Personally I dont care what you think. Thats the beauty of this stupid, time consuming, hobby of mine. I dont care who reads it, who likes it, who doesn't. Its a secret greedy passion of my very own. Dont like that? Like I said move on over to the kitty pictures and go on about your day. Fun fact about Meaghan number one: I have always loved writing. Since I first discovered I could. Weather I'm good doesnt really matter. I have written several poems and dairy entrees since I was in middle school. I even wrote a book once. (I'm not trying to brag) Was it a good one? Hell if I know. My family seemed to think so but they always have some biased veiw on how "special" their daughter or family member is. PUKE. I hate that. Why we are on the subject, why cant people just be real and come out and say things? I'm not about to tell someone they should go try to become a professional singer if they sound like a animal that got ran over by a semi truck in the middle of a snow storm. I just wont lower myself to that. Back to the point, I dont seem to care how awful you think my blogs are. Its my way of thinking put into words for all to read. You dont like me fine, but you have read almost half of my post by now so you might as well read on to the next line. Get some laughter out of it, I dont care. Even Funner fact about Meaghan numer two: I dont give two cows butts what you think of me. You dont have to live my life so dont bother telling me how I should go about doing it. I will type whatever whenever I want on my blog. You having to suffer through it and read it is your choice. What I'm saying here is do what you love. Regardless if you suck or not. This isnt my carreer or my whole life its just a little part of me. What I like to do. Think I am lame? Go eat some wierd grape you found off the ground and tell me how much more interesting that was. Like stated in section three or four, I DONT CARE. Ill keep writing weather someones here to read or not. For those of you who do read, Thanks. For those of you who dont, go to the top of this paragraph, read it exit the page and do as instructed. Do your hobby and have fun with it. :) weather it being blogging, sky diving, snowboarding, or playing with yugio cards for all I care. If it makes you happy, you jump up for joy after then by golly knock yourself out. The end. Rant over. Feel free to take it as is.

Wishes Kept In a Jar.

And then it was just me....

Yep. Once again I'm single. No more Pine View boy... I am not creating this blog post to cry over it or say how much I hate him. Because I dont. I still love him. I believe I always will and that's fine. I am just learning how to cope without him. I have always had a problem with being alone. I hate it. The funny thing is I never realized that it's because I cant stand to be with myself. I am so used to focusing on other people so I have never looked at me. I haven't been happy with who I am. Just happy with how others can make me feel. Pine View boy had my heart, he had so much of it that when we split up he took all of it. I feel empty. Like a pumpkin you carve out at Halloween and its left with just it's walls. Like that pumpkin I have a happy face and I'm standing but still I am left hollow.  I know I will be fine, like they say time heals all wounds. I have also decided that dating isnt an option for me anymore. I want to be happy with who I am, in my own skin first. To do that I will have to face myself head on. I need to take time to realize that I am good enough to not need anyone. I hope all of you realize how wonderful you are. I also hope you realize that if someone loves you, trully loves you they will fight for you. If by chance they give up, or you become an option realize that it wasnt meant to be. You will be wounded, but you'll get through it. No one needs someone who doesn't need them. Be wise enough to realize that. I am now dedicatiing all my time to my job and the people in my life that I know aren't going anywhere anytime soon. I feel like I will survive just like I always have, broken or not. All I hope for is happiness for him and I. I hope everyday he wakes up remebering what it feels like to fall asleep with me next to him. I hope he misses me for a split second, then I hope he gets over it. I hope he understands. If he moves on I wouldn't be mad, I'd expect it. You can only do what you have too. You also cant help who you fall in love with. I am a lover. I give people my everything, all that I have. I think that's why I have lost faith in humanity.  How could you give someone everything, then know what it feels like to be hurt, but yet you'd hurt someone the same way someone hurt you. Its awful. I am not blaming him for our breakup it was both of us. I am just wishing people could work things out. That they could try harder to stay in love with people. I wish it would've worked out. I wish a lot of things. Here I am though, just me. Left with my wishes kept in a jar, somewhere deep inside. I will stay as strong as possible and I'll move on eventually... I'll be here healing.

Life Attacks Me Once Again.

Oh please just help me...

Today has been hard. In all aspects, my life has been hard. Heres the run down, I got a job about a week ago at a vitamin company being a receptionist, I sit on my butt all day and have to intertain myself by reading or searching the web. Easy enough huh? The thing is, its so easy its boring. I am the type of person who needs to be on her feet, stressing out all day. That's my kind of fun. Well I have spent months looking for a Dental Assisting job, before finding this job just so that I could do that. This job popped up, I was desperate and grabbed it by the horns before it could run away. That of course being said, I have been sitting here all day doing my thing, never leaving this desk. When I got a phone call. Guess who it was. Of course it was a dental office who was interested in hiring me. Yep. Kill me now. Just tell me about how bad that sucks. This is the sort of timing that makes me want to call my mom, ask her if I could live with her in my grandmas basement for the rest of my life, and she could even tuck me in every night. I hate making life choices such as this one. It would make me feel bad to quit, but would I be happier? Pros and Cons, Pros and Cons. Its like a war between what you think would be the right desision and what wouldn't. Its always been hard to make a choice for me. I just dont understand why I think some things lead me to certain places in life and then when I feel like I am where I should be something changes. I dont feel happy. This isn't what I wanted for myself. I was supposed to get out of High School, head to College, then I would finish my degree as a doctor, live in some huge hous,e have four kids and a perfect husband. That's not what has happened at all. My life is no fairy tale. Not even close to one. Things don't end up how you want them do they? There is no "planning" because something could happen in a blink that would change everything. I'm frusterated. Tired of planning my life when fate will plan the complete opposite for me instead. I give up. Whoever or whatever is controlling my life wins. I can't ever win so I'll let them choose the ropes. I am strong. The only problem with being strong is that when your weak, man are you weak. You feel mad because your no longer that person who can controll everything. Your not that person who can hold your head high. You feel like your being challenged, like your playing a game that you cant win. My adivce, dont give in. If you do you'll be wishing twenty years from now that you didnt. I may be down today, but tomorrow I will have a desision to make that can change my life. I will be okay. I cant always be strong but I cant always be weak either. I am only human. Just remember your only human too. Take life as it comes. See you later for now.

Cups Of Coffee And Faith

Im awake I swear.....

I suck at being a morning person. I have never been able to totally wake up in the mornings. The result to this is tons of coffee. I just cant function without it half the time. Its my sweet little addiction. Have you ever had one of those? Just that one thing you can't see your day being grand without? I have now been committing my time to two jobs. I am at work 24/7. So I am tired, worn out even. Yes, I'm racking in the dough but I am sacrficing a lot to do so. Now I am getting to the whole point of this post. When does making a  sacrfice become to much? When do you give up and say enough is enough? Do you ever get too exhausted, too tired of doing the same old thing? Today is probably that day for me. I am on the verge of wanting to quit. To just stop committing myself to things that make me a better person. The thing is though, I wont. I'm to strong for that and I know it. It would mean letting myself down. Your mind is a powerful thing that way. Even when your body is tired, your mind will urge you on. Telling you not to quit. I believe it's the faith you have in something that makes it so hard to give up. Its your faith in that certain person being there for you always, faith in your job promoting you someday, faith in your legs letting you run just two miles more. If you had nothing to believe in, to hope for, you'd end up a waste of space. Now when I say faith most people think of church or there being a higher being you believe exsists. I'm talking about much more than that. I'm talking about believing in yourself. Believing that you are strong and you can do anything. Weather your tired or not. If you don't believe in yourself, or have faith in everything you do, then what do you have? Nothing. You have nothing at all. Faith comes first to those who beleive that they can rise above anything. That they are strong and noble. The last thing you should ever give up on is you, because you are stuck with yourself forever. There is no escaping you. The bottom line is you just should never stop loving yourself or lose faith in what you have the power to accomplish. You have to realize how great you are, because if you dont then who will? Sometimes I frusterate myself, and feel like there is tons I could do to improve. Starting with kicking my coffee addiction, but I know if I want to I'm strong enough to do that. I wont get mad at myself I will just try harder. Support yourself in all that you do, and have faith. Put your mind into everything you do and remember that your the one person you cant get rid of, so love yourself first.