Crushes and Boiling Water

There is something

wonderful about the feeling you get when you have a crush on someone. When you see them and you get butterflies and barf out word vomit. There is no better feeling than the one you get when they smile at you or laugh. Its like bliss, like slowly falling into a bed of fluffy feathers. You just feel light. There's no better feeling in the world than the feeling you get when you have a crush on someone. Its something lovely isn't it? Not knowing if you'll get the courage to ask for their number or even do something as simple as whisper hello. You're not quite sure why you like this person you know nothing about, there's just some fatal attraction there, some hope that you'll find something in common. Some middle ground to tread lightly upon. Even if you don't, that split second where you get to stare at them and your heart flutters is sometimes simply enough. Its the greatest feeling you have ever felt even though its nerve racking. The thought of approaching a complete stranger and throwing your feelings out there is terrifying yet your on the brink of doing just that. Your on that line of embarrassment where you might just ask for their number but your not quite sure you should. Then you do, and the feeling you get when they say yes is the most exhilarating, heart thumping moment and you do everything you can to stop yourself from jumping up and down and you smile instead. A smile of accomplishment, bravery, and fondness for that person. Once they walk away is when the jumping for joy happens, when your all alone in your room, or where ever your secret jumping spot is. When your all alone and there's no witnesses to tattle on your excitement. Even when your crush says no when you build up the confidence to ask for their number there is still a feeling of joy. Joy for the fact that you were brave enough to ask, for the fact that the no means you have ruled out at least one person who is obviously not meant to be in your life at that exact moment. Joy for the practice you needed for the asking of that very question in the future. Having a crush warms your soul like a pot of boiling water. It heats up your heart, your veins, and the very blood your made of. You feel warm and happy for a split second and for every second that you see that person after that. I have never understood why the call it a "crush" maybe its the feeling you get in your heart, the one that makes you feel like your going to explode. Although, I find it exhilarating, something new and exciting, something that shouldn't be crushed and sound painful by the word. A crush is an exciting moment, a moment that when it hits you, you know, even if you don't know why. You know the feeling of butterflies and the frustration of the fact that your brain wont work with your mouth and you spit out words that you never knew existed. Then the only thing in your head for days is that person, wondering when you'll see them again. Wondering if you'll get the chance to fumble on your words and trip on the underlining question of if they like you back or not. Its like solving a mystery, wondering if its fate, looking for their quirks and their flirting words to make sure there's no question on if they like you back. You want all the answers now, you want to take the time to figure everything out, to see if they are the one. To see if they will be a part of your life even if it's for a split moment. Your willing to throw your heart onto the very edge of your own sleeve just to see if they will tug and pull at it, to see if it will all be worth it in the end. There is just something wonderful about the feeling of a crush, the feeling of liking a mystery and wanting to solve it. There is just something wonderful about the feeling you get when you have a crush on someone, and when unknowingly, that crush has a crush on you.

My Dads a Super Hero, What does yours do?

People

always ask me who the man of my dreams is, what he would look like, who he would be. I would say he would be like my father. In fact my father is the only man of my dreams. He works hard for the little something that he has. Hes strong, with his calloused hands and deep voice. My father is the only man who would never leave me, never hurt me intentionally. I look up to him, like a passerby looks up to a super hero. He works construction from 5 in the morning to 10:00 at night to support his family weather he's sick, snow or shine. He supports me in any decision I choose to make, even if he knows its the wrong one. My father wants to beat up every boy who has ever broken my heart but he tells me I'm going to be okay and hugs me instead. Even though my father and my mother split up when I was very young my father never missed a payment of child support or the chance to pick me up on a weekend, even if I didn't want to go. He taught me how to ride a bike without the training wheels and that I deserve the world. I look up to him for being loving and kind, even though he has a hard outside layer. I love him for his flaws and his temper that he blessed me with. It makes me sad that some little girls grow up without the example of a father figure, I would never of known how to be strong, how to stand up for myself if it wasn't for my dad. It makes me sad that fathers get all the bad wrap from society, fathers aren't the only ones who leave their children, who forget to pay child support, or forget their children even exist altogether.My father saved me. I am lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life, who has been here for me through it all. He always tells me, I want the best for you and your siblings, and I do whatever I can to make sure that happens. He has always done what he can to make sure that promise was met and he has done a wonderful job of it, I don't know where I would be today without him. My father is witty, and makes me laugh, he has always known how to put a smile on any ones face. I am so proud of him and everything he has done to be a wonderful father. He has always known who he has wanted to be and the type of person he has wanted to be for his children and he has stuck to it. I am sure he doesn't always know what he is doing, or how to handle us crazy kids but he always figures it out. I want him to know how much I love and appreciate everything he does. Being a parent seems scary and tough. I don't know how he manages to pull it off and so well at that. I would do anything for him and I want him to know that. I  want him to know that not only is he here for me, to support and love me, but I am also here to return that. He has always done whats best for me, even if it means sacrificing a lot of things he wanted to do, and I am thankful for that. I hope I have made him proud, and I hope he knows I wont let him down. I hope one day I can marry someone who is as great of a person as my father. I hope I can be half the parent that he is. I can't imagine my life without him and I wouldn't want to. I don't think he realizes how much I actually appreciate him and the steps he has taken in his life to better himself as a father and as a person. He always says he wishes he could do more, that he had more to give, but I want him to know that he has given me so much already. He has given me love, life, support, food, laughter,happiness and someone to turn to when I don't know where to turn. That is all a girl could ever want and need. I just wanted to write this blog post for you daddy. To tell you how much I love you and how much you light up my life. I don't have a clue where I would be without you. Remember that I love you and everything you have done and will do will always be enough and more than I ever have hoped for. Thank you for staying in my life when you could have chose to walk out and thanks for being the man I have always needed. I love you daddy!

I Can Cry If I Want To

When

Something hurts just cry. I mean it. Let it out. It's okay. Your allowed to be human, your allowed the right to be sad just as much as your allowed to be happy. If you feel like you need to cry because of a heartbreak do it.trust me it stings a little but it's very much so needed. I know the pain your feeling because I've been there. Trust me I could be in the exact same state as you right now, but who's to decide that. I think everyone should be allowed to cry. I mean even ball your eyes out if you have to. I feel like pain/ crying shows your strength. It takes real guts to be that vulnerable. Not everyone is happy and not everyone gets the privilege of not getting hurt. It just doesn't work that way. Embrace the heartache and all the recovery emotions it takes. I once read somewhere that a heartbreak has the same pain equivalent to a loved one dying. Who's to say that's not true? I mean in both of them you lose someone, someone who was a highlight in your life vanishes. Isn't that true? Sometimes I feel as though heartbreak pain is worse because that person who is not in your life anymore is still out there roaming the earth, kissing strangers and exes, and falling in love with people who aren't you. Then your left alone to think of those things even though you try your hardest not to. It hurts in fact it literally rips your heart out. There's one thing I'd like to say though, even though it hurts and you feel like it will never heal it will. Even though you feel like you've lost your whole world just remember that people only walk out of your life if it's necessary, If them staying could've hurt you worse. Also, one other thing remember that through it all, no matter what your good enough. One day you'll find someone who will never make you cry unless it's from laughing to hard. When that one day comes you'll forget all about this, all about how the crying made you feel good and the emptiness never went away no matter what time if day it was. You'll see why it never worked and you'll be thankful that it didn't. Until then it's perfectly normal to feel hurt when you think of the one who broke your heart loving anyone but you. It's normal to cry and to be devastated when you find out he found his "one day" sooner than you and without you. So cry when you want to but remember to laugh and smile when you want to too. Not everything is sad, and one day you'll understand all of that. Until then just remember that everything works out for the better and for a reason.

We Invented The "I dont care" Restaurant

Lets be

honest here for one second. This is a message to guys who expect women to know what they want. We cant even pick what we want for dinner. Did you forget about that? I bet you didn't. Women say they know what they want but when it comes down to it they really don't. I think it comes from fear, fear that if they stated what they wanted they would get it and then feel bad afterwards. Yes, I'm a woman but I'm trying to analyze the thinking in this one too. We want everything and nothing all at once. We want you to be gentile and soft, yet rugged and strong. We want to be alone yet we don't ACTUALLY want to be alone. I think women are free spirited and want to dance in the rain without deciding when to dance in the rain. We want to eat something new and be surprised. We just want people to decide for us because life is complicated. When you make a decision you have to live with that choice for ever and ever. People will either be talking about how good of a decision that restaurant was for months or they will be talking about food poisoning for days. That is just not a risk us women want to take. If you make the decision that's on your conscious. Men don't understand because I think they have brave souls, they don't care regardless of their choice because they feel like their choices could be a good one and if its not, oh well you live and you learn. Women grow up learning to be reserved and to put others first, to say thank you and don't burp in public. I want to be more like a man some days, screw ordering salads because its less messy and eating your pizza with a fork. Women have minds too and I think they try to hard to be polite, they over analyze and don't really know how simple and understanding a man can actually can be. Women think well if I choose this will he think I'm strange for wanting to eat there? If I tell him I don't want anything serious will he think I'm a slut? If I tell him I just want to date will he think I am afraid of commitment? The truth is that I don't think any man or anyone for that matter would mind being told how us women feel. In fact I think they would like to know. I think its hard for women to not think about what others will think of them. I find that sad. How are you ever supposed to do what you want to do, what you have always wanted to try if you don't speak up? I have been one of  these women, reserved. Not wanting to impose my ideas on someone even if they could be great ideas. I want to encourage men to let their women choose, in fact make them choose. Tell these women that unless they pick you wont do anything, you'll be sitting at home in a dark room or you will starve. Tell them that their opinions matter and that you wont be mad or make fun of them for what they choose. I want to empower women to start speaking up, start making choices and don't be afraid of the choices you make. In fact you might be surprised that it feels good to pick, to make a decision. This is something I have been working on lately, telling more about how I feel and making decisions when people ask my opinion. It isn't easy at first because you still feel the argument of should I pick something what will they think? In the back of your head, but fight that off. Shake that habit and you will be proud of yourself. Encourage others to make decisions too. In fact its not just women who cant make decisions, I just went with women because I am one. I know what its like when someone asks you to choose. Kick those pesky decisions in the butt by actually choosing something. Be a woman who can decide and be proud of that.

Why am I still single?

Everyone

has asked me why I am single lately, is it because I'm a lesbian? I am picky? Lonely? I once saw an
article online about a girl posting conversations she has had with men and saying that's why she was single and I thought it was a clever idea if you want to read her article its called Why I am Single I found it on Pinterest of course :). so here are some of my conversations with men:

Guy on plenty of fish dating website:

Him: Hello beautiful. Just saw your profile and wanted to say how great of a person you are. You are wonderful and we would get along great. Message me back sometime :)

Me: I wonder if he knows we have never met before. Maybe I shouldn't reply to this message...oh well.
Thanks.

Him: Yeah so I think your great beautiful. I have never seen someone so beautiful.

Me: Here we go... wonder how many times he's used that generic line. NOT MESSAGING HIM BACK.


Conversation with past boyfriend:

Him: Meag. So I have to tell you something....

Me: What now. Of course since things are going so well something was bound to happen.
Yes??....

Him: Well... I didn't sleep with my ex the night you yelled at me for it but the next day I did.. I figured since you were already angry....

Me: *Silence* *Tears* Well that's just great how dumb do you have to be? Now he is blaming me to psychologically feel good about the fact that it wasn't his fault he slept with someone its my own.
This isn't going to work. That's just great.

Him: I'm really really sorry. I don't expect you to forgive me..

Me: Yes, I don't expect me to forgive you either. *Silence*

A week or so later we broke up. I wonder why....


Conversation with Stranger on a bus in Salt Lake City:

Him: Hello whats your name?

Me: Oh god. Should I respond he seems older. Hes probably some married man. Well why not, might as well find out. Hello my name is Meaghan whats yours?

Him: *says name* Do you have a boyfriend? Are you married?

Me: Since he's asking I'll assume he is. Avoid awkward conversation and say yes.
Yes I do have a boyfriend.

Him: Oh I see I'm married, I have children.

Me: I knew it. Maybe he's just making small talk and being nice.  Ooh I see. That's nice how old are they? How is your wife doing?

Him: I left them.

Me: Well this just became awkward... What do I say to that? Hes not just making small talk he's hitting on me in some creepy way! Well I'm sorry to hear that. Sometimes things just don't work out how we want them to.

Him: Yeah. Do you live around here?

Me: Great. Now he is going to follow me home. Say somewhere far far away! Wait.. I do live far away. Be honest.  I live in Ogden so no...

Him: Well what are you doing clear out here by yourself?

Me: How does he know I am alone? What if my mother is in the bathroom or a friend? Has he been following me this whole time? How do you know I'm alone? I go to school out here.

Him: You have been by yourself the last couple of stops so I just figured. That's cool what are you going to school for? What school? I work out here but I don't live around here either.

Me: So he has been following me. How do I get rid of him? Do I want to say what school? No. Play it safe just say what you are going to school for.  I'm going to school for dental assisting. That's cool.

Him: Yeah so we should chat sometime can I have your number?

Me: Umm How old are you? I have a boyfriend so I don't think that's a great idea.

Him: I'm 35.. and we could just be friends?

Me: Umm I don't think that's a good idea. I'm 19. So.. your much older than I am.

Him: *surprised* you don't look 19....

Me: Well this is my stop. See you around. *Gets off bus*

Guy I know and ran into at Wal Mart:

Him: Hey! Do you still have your Acura Integra?!

Me: Why does he want to know what car I am driving? Odd...Here comes some small talk.
No I don't.

Him: What car do you drive now?

Me: A Mazda 3, 2007

Him: Ooh.. That's cool.

Me: Do I want to keep this conversation going? Ehh might as well be nice.
Yeah what do you drive?

Him: I don't have a car. Had to sell it to make my rap music after my mom died.

Me: Oh man. Rap music? Really? Since when? Well I'm sorry to hear about your mom...

Him: Yeah it was a hard time. I got really bad into drugs and have been clean for a week now.

Me: Yepp. He's a keeper. Poor guy. Well I'm glad your clean now and I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a hard time.

Him: *Randomly starts rapping with his eyes fully closed* I don't even remember what the rap was about.

Me: Didn't expect that. Why are his eyes closed? What is this rap song even about? Man.. Its not even good at all... Poor poor guy. Wow. Man. You can definitely just rap on the spot cant you?

Him: Yeah... that wasn't even that good. I  can do better. You should come hang out sometime and play call of duty?!

Me: *As I'm walking away* How about this. If we meet again its fate and we will hang out, If we don't it just wasn't meant to be. Clever Meaghan Cleaver did you forget you see this guy everywhere?!

Him: But I wont see you again!

Me: Hopefully not. *Now almost in a jog down the aisle.* Well then that's fate! Bye!

Later on after shopping, I walked out to my car and found a receipt with a number on it that said much love. I'm only guessing who it couldve been.....

I am not telling these stories to make fun of  these people. I am not writing them to say every man is this way or is a creep. I am not saying that at all. I am simply saying I haven't had much luck with men and THIS is why I am single. I wonder what other stories women and men have about strange awkward conversations and confrontations. Id like to hear yours :) email me at meaghandora123@GMail.com with your funny dating experiences and stories. I've now shared mine and the point to why I just happen to be single. I have many more but we will keep those for a later time. Also if you have a good story about how you and your soul mate met, I wouldn't mind hearing that either. :) well that's it. Thanks for reading!

Live Slow

It's time

for me to get a little girly on you guys. Prepare yourselves for this. Alright, all my life I have wanted to grow up, get married, have children and live happily ever after. Just like that. In that exact order. As a young adult of 20, I have seen everyone doing these things, getting married, having children, finding their soul mate, or maybe even just being single parents. For a while there I wanted what they have. I wanted it so bad because of the pictures and the Facebook updates and the ultrasounds. I wanted to boast about my child's first word or them learning how to walk. I secretly wanted to be like everyone else and have what they had. I was overly jealous that people could be so happy and here I was alone. Then I started doing things. I started online school. I am in orientation right now and we are all just people talking about the struggles we think we are going to face while going to school. I happen to be the youngest and so far all I have heard is how hard juggling children and work and school is. My classmates have talked about children getting sick, having plays or sports they need to be driven too, and the exhaustion of it all. They have also talked about how their children are their motivation, their reason why they are attending school now. My classmates say that their children are their motivation yet they complain so much about how their children are holding them back and making things difficult for them to get a degree. This is when I became proud of myself. I am happy I haven't found that happy ever after or had those children I have dreamed about because I don't think I'd be where I am right now. I am happy to say that I am going to college for the soul purpose of bettering myself. I am not going to school to prove a point to my children, or to better anyone else's life but my own and that feels wonderful. I want to be prepared and ready for when I decide to bring another human being into the world. I want them to know that your not obligated to have children right when you turn 20 or even 29 or even at all if you want that. Your soul purpose isn't to have a million children or make another person  happy. Your soul purpose is to live and be happy with the decisions your choosing to make with your life, to feel happy in your own skin. I wanted a child so bad because that's what everyone else was doing, because I felt like that would give me a sense of fulfillment or purpose. In reality, it would just keep me from having to explore and discover my purpose on my own. I don't want to have to tell my kids not to turn out like me, I don't want turning out like me to be a bad thing. I want to be an idol, someone to look up to. I don't want to say I'm glad I had children but I wish I would've waited. I think in order to do that it takes a lot of self reflection and exploring. I am not saying everyone is wrong for having children in their 20's I am just glad I get to use my 20's to discover myself, to create my own identity. I think your young adult years are important and you don't get to celebrate them if you are busy celebrating a child. I don't want to grow up fast anymore, my husband and children can wait. I want to be the best me I can be and love myself before committing my life to others. I think what I'm trying to say here is live slow. Live for the moment you get right now, don't be in such a rush to start a future or to grow up. Get your self prepared and ready to conquer anything, set goals and be crazy. I think my 20's are the years I am dedicating to myself, and I thank goodness I get the chance to do that. There's nothing wrong with living for yourself, and I know that later in life if I decide to have those kids or find my soul mate I'll be ready. I think the most important thing is to make the right decisions for you, and to realize that you don't have to do something or want something just because that's what everyone else is doing, make your own decisions and live your life for yourself.

I'm not the kind of girl.

I'm not the kind

of  girl that men fall in love with. I'm just not. I'm wild and cannot be tamed. I want to dance barefoot in the rain and go outside without a coat on. I'm not someone who can be handled, who will morph and change for the sake of others. I'm not the kind of girl that men look at and say "she's the one". I am strong and independent, I can handle whatever life throws at me. I think men find that intimidating. I'm strong when I'm needed to be, and i feel like my emotions show bravery. I'm honest and upfront and will tell someone when they are being awful. I'm not the kind of girl men fall in love with. I don't care what my hair looks like, you wont catch me in high heels or having to change before going on a hike. I'm always prepared. I keep a pocket knife in the purse I never thought I'd own. I can be mean, and I can be the most lovable person you ever met. I wear my heart on my sleeve without worrying about what will happen to it. I can be emotional. I'm not the kind of girl that men fall in love with. I have never caught a guy swooning over me or telling his friends I'm beautiful. I am rough around the edges, and will have an arm wrestling contest without fear of getting hurt. I laugh at dirty jokes and will choose a cheese burger over salad any day. I'm not the kind of girl that men fall in love with. I like four wheeling and camping and I know that the campfire smell will wash out of my hair eventually. I don't like going to get my nails done, or putting on makeup. I hardly wear any makeup at all. I wont try to impress you because I don't really care. This is who I am, take it or leave it. I like to be left alone with a good book and a cup of tea. This means you don't have to call me every second. I'm not the kind of girl that men fall in love with. I am not manipulative or one of those girls who talk to millions of men. I'm down to earth and honest. I prefer no shoes and water over milk. I will tell you what I'm thinking weather you want to hear it or not.I like my sleep and watching the stars. I'm not the kind of girl men fall in love with and that's  just fine because I'm not the kind of girl who falls in love.

Happiness starts and ends with you

I think

that the hardest thing for people to feel is happiness. I mean true, laugh until you cry happiness. I think they get lust, love and other things confused with happiness. I think happiness is something you have to teach yourself. You have to realize that no one controls that for you, and its sad if you blame others for your sadness. You control the way you look at things, the way you handle things, and the way you carry yourself. I used to rely on others for my happiness, so when they hurt me or made me sad I didn't think I could go on living. I want to tell people that you have a choice, you can choose to let the sadness eat you up and spit you out or you can tell yourself your going to be happy and find something that aides in that happiness. We rely to much on men, women, weather our job is going to suck or not, or what our family is doing to tell us how to feel. When in all reality if you searched around you, searched inside you, you could find yourself, the part of you that makes you feel good without needing any of that. I believe that we are a weak weak species. We let sadness, anger swallow us whole and eat us alive without even thinking that we could do anything about it. We just give in, yet we are supposed to be so strong, so knowing. I don't think we know how much of an effect we have on ourselves, call yourself fat for a week and you'll start to believe it, call yourself beautiful for a week instead and you'll start to believe that too. In reality being happy isn't much more work than being sad or angry. I have learned to make myself happy regardless of what is going on around me, I have learned that nothing is ever as bad as we make it seem. I have survived every day since now, why would I believe that one little thing could change that? I don't, half the things we get sad or mad about aren't even worth it. I would much rather smile. I'm sure your wondering what my trick is? How I learned to stay happy regardless of whats going on. Here is the answer: tell yourself your happy, tell yourself its no big deal, that your beautiful and you can handle it. That's it. No one has more control over your mind and the things you choose to think about than yourself. I wanted to feel happiness so I gave myself happiness. Anyone else who can manage to make me smile or laugh or breathe a little lighter is just a bonus and a keeper in my world. You have to know who you are and what you want to allow yourself to be truly happy, to know what happiness is. You have to be content in your own skin and not only except your angels but except your demons as well. If you can love yourself, and make yourself happy then the rest of the things you want will follow. People will hurt you, they will walk all over you and use you up because they haven't found themselves yet, they haven't found this secret passageway to happiness and it will hurt you. It will hurt you so damn bad that you'll wake up crying, you'll go to bed crying and then you'll wake up. I mean really wake up, you'll understand that it's all how you choose to perceive things. You can take it as a bad experience that will haunt you forever or you can take it as a lesson. Either way you have to realize that how ever you decide to take it, the only person that it effects is you. This is your life, its your job to realize what real happiness feels like, and how happy you can truly be by finding happiness in yourself.