Remembering

If only you could open your heart, to feel what I feel. To know that every inch of this tired soul aches with the pain of remembering. Remembering the way you'd laugh with your eyes glowing and your head tossed back. Rembering the nights we spent watching the stars glimmer with hope that the sunrise wouldnt come out to cast them into submission. Remembering what it feels like to let someone into your very soul, to let someone peel back the layers of you to find what really rests inside. The hope that one feels knowing you'll always be there with your arms open as if to catch me when I'm falling. I am no saint, I do not walk on untampered ground, but you are someone who showed me what it is like to run with the devil. What one feels like to be decieved, to have everything torn from under you in an instant. Remembering what a shattered heart feels like, what a soul that can no longer feel does when it tries to repair itself. Remembering tear filled eyes, and sleepless nights. Remembering not having the words come out in the exact way you feel, having them jumbled and stuck just below my tounge in a way that makes me frusterated. Remembering the love that was a trick played with smoke and funhouse mirrors. Remembering the way my heart danced in tune with yours, inticing every inch of my soul to collide with yours, stealing it like the way you stole my breath right from my lips. If you are one with the devil, what does all these things mean? Does that mean the very house my soul resides in, is nothing but a lie? Does that mean that I am someone who runs just as wild and freely as you? Do I remember you putting me in a trance to feel the way I feel? Do I remember falling asleep normal and then upon awakening growing this strange feeling I have towards you? Do I remember giving in and falling willingly into your soul of deception? This is the fault when it comes to remembering, is it really what you remember or is illusions you think might exist? If  I gave into your devilish ways does that make me at fault for all the pain, or am I the victim? I cannot remember, for remembering has become hard. I remember nothing but what I feel. I no longer remember the facts on how it ended up like this. Remembering you haunting my dreams and awakening me with unsettling screams is all that is left. My memory of you slowly fades though, while the pain you made me feel stains my unsettled heart. Remembering you is no longer a choice, no longer an option, for the memories I once had of your smiling face, your inticing ways, have long been forgotten.

Hopeless.

I want to be

the sunlight that kisses your hair in the morning, and the bed time stories you read to our children at night. That old wooden rocking chair with marks all up the seat from when the dog tried to jump into it. I want to be a page in your favorite, worn out book. The one you read every night in order to fall asleep, with its pages turning yellow and its spine falling apart. The water that hits you in that shower you take after a long day is over, carressing your skin with soft warm kisses before hitting the cold porcelain tub. I want to be that something special. That one thing that you can't seem to live without. I want to be the wind that blows caressly through your hair, taingling it into a wild mess that you have to tame once you return home. That giant kitchen you always hoped for, the one with the wooden floors and high seilings, painted your favorite color and decorated with your favorite pots and pans. The soft humming of your favorite song you dance around the house to, in nothing but your sock and a giant T-shirt. I want to be your everything. Those salty tears you cry after your first big heartbreak, the ones that show how strong you are because they are real. I want to be that voulnerable state of mind your in after. The state that tells you to move forward but you are still holding on. I want to be your favorite memory, the one of you hiking up that jaint mountain with the ones you love and coming back down with handfuls of rocks. I want to be your greatest hello and your hardest goodbye. The fast beat of your heart when your nervous, pumping blood to places in your body faster than before, and the butterflies terrorizing your stomach. I want to be your greatest desision and your hardest one. The fast pace of your legs while your in the grocery store because you know what you want. The smile you get when you hear something funny, and your laugh when you want nothing but to cry. The shimmer of hope I see in your eyes when you stare at me, the one I want nothing but to get lost in. I want to be your safe place when your scared of the monsters that lurk under your bed, and the person you yell at when your angry. The roof over your head that keeps out the rain but doesnt stop it from pattering on your window. I want to be everything you have ever wanted, and everything that drives your crazy. I want to be your person. The one who will never leave your side no matter how crazy you become. The one who would give you everything I have in one split second. I want to be the one who falls hopelessly in love with all your perfections and all your flaws. I want to be the hand you hold when your standing at the end of the aisle, the look you have that has so much love in it could destroy a single person. The shoes you take off to run with me to the car because the wedding is over. I want to be the person who kisses you goodnight and good morning even if your mad at me. That suprise look you get on your face even though this is the hundredth time you have burnt our dinner this month, and the happy one you get when I tell you its your turn to pick where we order out. I want to be everything you have ever needed, everything you have ever wanted. I want to be nothing but myself and everything that has ever made you full of life. I want to be your lover, your best friend, and your forever and always. I just want to be.

The Love...

you gave me.

Today's blogpost would have to go out to my parents. My father and my step mom. When I was younger I had a rough time getting along with my dad. I was in the "I'm a teenager I know everything" stage of my life. I only got to see him every other weekend since my parents are seperated and have been since as long as I can remember. Even those weekends I would refuse to go. I would start huge fights with my dad and step mom because I felt like friends were a better priority. That is probably the biggest regret of my life still to this day. I love my dad and my step mom they are wonderful people and growing up I didnt take the time to see that. It wasnt until I was about 17 that I stopped throwing fits about going over there. I would scream that I hated them and other mean things, I'd even tell my friends the same thing. They are now the two people in my life that I'm closest too, I even recently moved in with them. I wish that I wouldve realized sooner that life is to short. Your family is all you have and hating someone doesnt hurt them most, it hurts you. I was the one who missed out on being close to them when I was younger. I was the one filled with anger just because I'd rather have seen my friends. It was stupid to be honest. I would have hated to grow old and seen my parents grow old knowing that I never tried to even give them a chance. Now I tell them everything. They are there for me through everything from boy problems, to what left overs are still good. I feel sorry for people who take their parents for granted. Who hate them for mistakes they make because they were still learning too. I dont know what I'd do without them anymore. I am so lucky to have people who love me no matter what and support me in any desicion I make. I hope that you see how lucky you are too. People fight, and things arent always perfect but its important that you learn to let that go, to realize they wont always be here. My dad and step mom have taught me so much about growing up, about loving each other. They have been together for thirteen years now and they still hold hands on the way to the grocery store, they still kiss and us kids still think its gross. If it wasnt for them I dont know what kind of person I would end up being, probably not a very good one. They have shown me what a stable crazy home is like. They have taught me that you dont always know what your doing but you will survive. My family isnt rich, doesnt buy me tons of things, and isnt always perfect, but we always love each other. We are always here for one another and my parents taught me thats what is important. I cant say how thankful I am that I had a dad who never gave up on me. Even if I didnt wanna see him one weekend and I would scream I hated him he would be right back over the next weekend trying to pick me up again. I never once heard him complain about paying child support. I never once heard him say anything but how much he didnt loved me. That makes him my hero. My dad and my step mom have been through so much but they are still the most loving people you will ever meet. They never think twice about helping people and they never told us not to say thank you. I am thankful for them. They are my heros and I will be passing on everything they have shown to my kids someday. Thank you dad and Oriana for being the best, craizest, loving parents I have ever seen. I love you two so much.

Loving My Skin.

We Except...

the love we think we deserve. Isn't this a hard learned fact? It's truer for me than I thought it was. The love that I once thought I deserved turned out not to be love at all. It was something else. Something like a lust, or a phase, maybe even a crush. The idea of love that I have is giving yourself to someone else. Handing over ever bit of your soul to make someone else happy. I loved to much. I thought people who didnt deserve what I gave them deserved it, so I gave them my all. What do you think happened? I got nothing in return. Nothing but heartache and lessons learned. I thought I deserved that. I thought I deserved someone making me an option. I thought I deserved to be yelled at, to be told that I was nothing at one point and time. I no longer feel that way. No one deserves heartaches and tears that keep on coming. I deserve holding hands, late night talks about nothing, having my door opened, being told I am loved even when I am stubborn. I deserve a love that I am afraid might not exist. I have realized that I feel like every relationship is that kind of love when its just good at pretending. Is it because I hope that this time it actually is? Is it because I have more faith in humans then they deserve? Probably all of the above. I want a love like The Titanic, The Notebook. A love that is to strong to ever end. A love that is real. Not hidden behind false pretences or lies. I guess if  I want this kind of love I shall have to start with loving myself. You see, I am content with that. I am finally content with being alone. I dont need someone anymore. Especially someone who could just cause heartache. I am tired of that feeling, the feeling of emptiness once you lose someone. I am to strong to feel those for no reason at all except for that I gave someone a chance they didnt deserve. I no longer need anyone to make me feel not so alone. The truth is, I was never alone to begin with. Myself and my family are enough. I never needed a man, I just wanted one. Then the wanting in my head got confused with the needing emotion I felt in my heart. I fell for men to hard, I have no walls to keep someone out. I am an open castle just waiting to be torn down. Do you ever feel like that? Like your uncapable of hurting anyone but people still tear you down? I am no longer looking for love. I dont believe in fairy tales where you ride of into the sunset. I dont believe in the "perfect guy" because I'm always worried now. Always waiting for him to slowly stop trying, to slowly change. I want to believe in love so bad it tears my heart apart. I want to believe there is good in people when really its just a mirage. I want to feel special, like no one else could compare to me. I want to feel like a princess, but if fairytales dont exist princess's probably dont either. I can make myself happy. I dont need this crazy love thing that everyone spends half their lives searching for, but it sure would be nice. I am no longer in search for that. I am in search for myself. I am working on the things that I want. I am taking pride in just being me, of being free, and thats all I could really ever need to be happy. I am happy enough in my own skin that I dont need some guy telling me what that skin should look like.

Searching for Something

Standing.

I step outside into the crisp air that makes it hard for me to breathe. Its still dark, as it is early in the morning. I can see the sun slowly rising up to greet the changing trees with kisses of light. I exhale heavly just to see my breath form in midair, I have missed being able to see how alive I am. I pull my hood over my head as though to hide my ears from the redness that the chill will bring them. I have my boots on, and hear them crunch the stiff leaves under my feet. I am wandering about in the dead of the morning. Everything is still, I feel awakened. The sun is now hitting the red leaves in a way that makes them look as though they are on fire. Its so silent I could hear the wind. My own voices in my head are the only other sound that I could hear. I love this season and how everything is changing, I feel it growing colder, darker, everything is getting ready for winter. I bundle my scarf up around my nose as it is now turning red as the wind refuses to stop hitting it. I feel fresh, full of life even though everything around me is slowly dying. The wind wakes me up in ways no one could describe. My thoughts are clear, and my senses become aware of everything around me. I smell someone baking near by, its early so I wonder if they are preparing for a family meal later in the evening. The armoa makes me hungry, makes me miss home. This weather usually makes me want to bundle up in a blanket with hot chocolate in hand, but here I am wandering about as though I'm in search of something. I am. I am looking for him. I saw him the other day wandering around like I am now. He had on a warm looking sweater, his hair a mess as the wind blew it out of its perfectly gelled state. I was staring at him through the window, watching him pick up leaves and admire them one by one as he then stuck them in his pocket. I was in love. I couldnt stop staring at this man, watching his every move. I needed to know him. Needed to feel what it was like to be close to him, to breathe him in. I didnt want to lose sight of him. I could've ran out of the house that very moment and told him how in love with him I felt. How in love I felt with a complete stranger. Would he have hugged me, jumped for joy? I am not sure because I watched him leave, watch him stroll down the street out of sight. I longed to see him again. I wanted to watch him admire leaves all day, in fact I wanted to admire leaves with him. I waited for days, every morning searching out of my window to see if he would stroll by again, nothing. Now I am the one strolling, in search for this man I have never even met. I am in awe, now knowing why he was out here so early searching for beautiful leaves. Everything is beautiful this early, untouched, not tampered with. Its perfect. It would be even better to have this inticing stranger by my side. I cannot find him, he is gone. Do I dare start knocking on doors? Or should I head home and try to get him out of my head? Would he be that easy to forget, knowing that I dont even know him? Or would he forever stain my memory with the perfect site of him in search for something beautiful? I cant give up, I am yearning to find him, to tell him. Maybe even show him that he is someone I have been longing to know. I want to be held in his arms forever. I want to be one of his beautiful leaves in his pocket. I am yearning for a stranger. Someone who only exsisted once, he is now gone. I will forever be in search of this soul who made me love to walk into the fall air just to search for him. I will find him. When I do find him I know I will be complete. I will feel whole, no longer broken. For I am a girl who is in search of my own special leaf.

Heartbeats and Footsteps

Changes...

I feel it down in my soul. My very heart aches with the feeling of losing the person I once was. I am no longer surrounded by the pain to not be in control of my own life. I no longer feel hate towards who I am becoming. I am strong. I prove it everyday, in the long ten hours I spend working, in the very core of my muscles as I run at the gym. I am no longer harnessed by feelings in the past. They do not haunt me. I am no longer a little girl. I have found a new light within myself that I had no clue exsisted. There is a passion towards myself that I never knew I could feel. Life is to short to keep living with hate towards yourself because of things you arent in control of. I feel strong in my own skin, like I could take on anything, anyone. I am no longer afraid of my future or the haunting dreams I have about the past. I am finally in this moment. I am finally free. I am becoming the best version of me I can possibly be and I have done it all by myself. Who knew? Who knew that I didnt need anyone all along? I didnt need to fix anyone for me to feel okay again, I didnt need an apology from anyone. I needed to find love. Love for myself that I didnt know I was capable having. I needed to find a smile that truly felt like mine, a smile that I gifted myself with. I needed to feel my own warmth, the warmth of my own living, beating heart. No one elses. I am now in charge of who I am. Who I would like to become. No one else is writing my future out on old scripted paper for me. I define my own life. I decide who I want to be, how I want to feel. I am no longer in pain, I can feel. I feel happiness in just being who I am. Finally. I feel like I can breathe. I am not sure what has grown into my heart to teach me these things in the last couple of days but I pray that it never goes away again. I feel reborn into the true definition of who I am. I am Meaghan. No simple word I scribble down on paper can define what is in my soul. I am no longer someone who hates who she is. I no longer doubt myself. I am no longer envy of others for the life I dont have. I am no longer gelous of someones body. I am capable of morphing myself into whoever I'd like to be. I am strong enough to push myself into exhaustion and feel good about it. I am my own self, I have my own story that is no longer defined in the shadows of others. I am no longer a lifeless person looking for a goal, looking for something, someone to define my existence. I define myself. That is the most wonderful feeling I have felt in my whole entire life. To be able to say that I no longer need to care what you expect  from me. I no longer need to try and be that person who would make you happy. I no longer am worried about all the times people have hurt me without me doing a single thing. I make myself feel good enough. I am finally happy in my skin, happy in my soul. You do not define me. I am not that girl who is dating that one guy, I am not so and so's best friend, so and so's daughter. I am Meaghan. The best version of Meaghan to ever exsist in this very moment. There is more to me than I have ever thought I was capable of having. I took a walk in my own heart and discovered that I am nothing like I thought I had to be. I am no longer afraid of anything. I will be Meaghan, undefined by expectations, others problems,pain. I am smiling, a smile that finally can radiate from my heart. It is no longer fake because no one put it there but my very own self. and that, that right there is all I could ever hope for. All I ever wanted was to be happy, if only I knew that the only person who could truely make myself feel that way, was me.

Lost In Questions

Forgiveness...

I have been having to deal with this word a lot in the last couple of days. It's a hard thing to do for me. Its a word that is filled with fear. Fear for yourself and your heart. How do you know if you forgive someone they wont turn arond and hurt you again? There isa fine line between knowing what you should do and knowing if you do it you put yourself at risk. When do you decide that forgiving someone is what you have to do even though you could suffer? When is the right time to put others first? I have learned the hard way that forgiveness is a double serated knife. If you choose to live with hate in your heart you will become bitter, cold, dark and horrible. You choose not to forgive and you grow angry. On the other hand, if you forgive someone there is always that chance that person wasnt honest when they asked you for that apology. That they could choose to go down the same path that made you heartbroken. There's that saying that is something like you can forgive and choose not to forget. Is that even really forgiving? If you dont let it go you still have a part of that hate growing in your heart dont you? Or do you push that back and just keep it in the dusty part of your brain until that person makes the same mistake?  Then theres the question of what is a "mistake"? If you keep doing something over and over again doesnt it then become intentional, a growing habit? When does "sorry" no longer cut it? Forgivness is such a hard thing. Especially when it comes to family, your supposed to be there for them right? Then why do you even question if they deserve to be forgiven? Is it because your own heart is so filled with anger and fear? I dont know when enough is enough or when forgiving someone no longer becomes an option. I feel no hate in my heart. Only pain, pain for what people choose to put themselves through. Pain for the thought of losing someone over their own mistakes. I feel anger, for what that person has chosen to do to the people who love them. Does this mean I am uncapable of forgiveness because the pain is unbearable? Maybe the anger is to strong? I think that if you give me a reason to forgive you I will, but if you give me a reason to push you away I will no longer offer my love. Forgiveness means sacrfice. Sacrficing yourself for the love you have for another individual. If you cant see how much you hurt someone when they have decided to sacrifce their hearts for you and you screw it up time after time, then you are no longer human. You can no longer feel. You are a selfish individual that would do whatever it takes to get what you want regardless of who you hurt. You are no longer worthy of being forgiven because you no longer understand what it takes for someone to forgive you. How many times do you put yourself though pain for the sake of another individual before you can no longer handle it? When is enough enough? I guess the only person who could answer that question is you. Only you know the pain someone is capable of putting you through. Only you know how much you can indure before it becomes more harmful then good. People only deserve to be forgiven if they understand what they are doing wrong in the first place. You cant fix a problem unless you admit you have one. Forgiving someone wont fix them, wont save them, wont make them change. They have to want it for themselves. Once they prove by actions that they want itis when forgiveness for me no longer becomes and option it becomes a choice, a choice I dont have to think twice about. I want to be able to forgive everyone in my life, but you first have to show me why you deserve it.

Fighting Demons

Make it good.

There is so many people who dont know how to treat one another. That suffering you go through from bullies in elementary school, yeah I had those, plenty of them. That parent who never was there when you needed them, that person who you wish didnt act like they hated you when there was people around but changed their mind when you two were alone. Things like that can make you hate who you are, who you are growing to be. Growing up was a rough time for me, probably not the worst compared to others, but I went through a lot during my childhood. I was stuck in an invironment no child should grow up in. I was that girl in school who "developed" faster than everyone else. I have always had a raspy voice that people have taken note of. I experienced hormone and girl changes all by myself. My cousin was the one who taught me how to shave my legs, not my mother. I had enough reasons to be bullied, but people always seemed to find more. I had an abusive boyfriend at one time, who continued for four years with the abuse. What else can I add to this list of pity Meaghan she had it rough? The thing is I'm not telling you this for pity, I'm telling you because maybe someone can relate. I know at least one of  you was going through some of the same problems because everyone gets hurt by someone. The problem though, is how you choose to handle these things. I have grown into an adult with many problems from my past. I am resentful, stubborn, I have high anxiety, depression, mood swings, trust issues you name it. Add more of the labeled scientific names on to that list. The crazy thing is though, I have not grown into a hate filled person. I am loving, I am open, honest. I havent let the bad world change me or make me into one of these hurtful people. I have done the opposite. I am flawed yes, but for all the right reasons. The right reasons that make me strong, make me want to be better, live better. If you are suffering from abuse, name calling, people abandoning their instincts to be a parent, anything that makes you feel bad that other people do to you. I have something to tell you. You need to realize that it isnt your fault. Your boyfriend hits you? You didnt do anything wrong. People in class pick on you for whatever reason? There's nothing wrong with you. Your parent/parents arent around to show you love? Its not because you dont deserve it. The problem isnt you like they make you believe. The problem is THEM. They are the ones who need help. They are the ones picking on someone who doesnt deserve it. They hurt people to make themselves feel better, for their own benefit. I had the hardest time realizing this growing up. It was always me who was the problem. I remember telling myself, well maybe if my boobs were smaller, well maybe if  I didnt talk to anyone he wouldnt hit me, maybe if I could be better. No no no. I didnt once stop to think that I was fine, nothing I did or said would've changed how those people acted. You cant change someone who thinks that they are fine and takes their own issues out on you instead. You are not the problem you are just the closest person to pick on. My advice, let it go. Let those people go if nessesary, you dont need them. They will never change regardless of what you do or say. You cant change unless you want to. I know it might be hard, these people might be family, boyfriends, friends. Its hard to realize that someone you love could really be toxic to you, to your life, your feelings. Once you do though, realize that you cant keep putting yourself through that much pain. You deserve better. You deserve love. Let the haters hate, and never blame yourself. Stay strong and keep fighting.