"Thats the thing about Pain, it demands to be felt" - John Green

I am sick and tired

of feeling sick and tired. I'd like to start of by saying how I feel. I mean really feel. No more of the I'm strong I got this coverd stuff. Let me be honest when I tell you how broken I feel, how wierd down to the core I feel. I cant describe it very well so that you will know what I mean. So heres me trying. I feel torn like an old sweater that was once white and crisp but now has been through the washer to many times and has grass stains on the elbows and rips in the seams. I am not broken just torn. I am not well put together but I'm not not falling apart either. I am just here. I have tried so many things to make this heart aching feeling dissapear, I've tried talking to you, tried not talking to you. I've tried dating, not dating. Pole dancing, not pole dancing. Hanging out with friends and sitting at home eating junk until I puke. I have ran on the tredmill until I cant anymore, until my face was red and I felt like I could faint. These are just short pain stoppers and then I have to sit down, I have to sleep, to relax and every memory I have of you comes to me in a wave that doesnt stop until I'm doing something again. Why do we have to feel this way? I am sick of hurting, I feel like its been long enough, that some strange being should take this feeling off of my hands and bury it in my backyard so deep that no one will ever find it or need to feel it ever again. I am shouting on the inside of my skin, screaming that something needs to get out, but what? I cant cry anymore, I cant scream, cant feel sorry for myself. I just plain hurt. I am trying to escape but I cant run. Its eating me alive and the worst part is watching you. Watching you live, watching you be absoultly fine without me and its frusterating. I am angry, angry that I have to hurt and you dont. I know its selfish but if only you felt what I did, if only you fell in love with my by accident. I want to run away from myself, look back and see myself so far in the distance that I'm just a speck because maybe the pain will stay there, there with myself that I now abandoned. I have been hurt before but it's never felt like this and it confuses me. I know everyone needs to feel heartbreak and pain at least once but I'm now exhausted with it. The pain has swallowed me up and eaten my whole. I cant pretend its not there anymore because it is threatening to take me over. I feel like an addict that was never warned that you can get addicted to people too. I feel like I'm coming out of an addiction that is threatening to make addiction what defines me. People tell me time heals all wounds and pretty soon I wont even realize you gone but I dont think they considered that maybe thats what Im afraid of. Afraid that once I forget  you I'll forget what it felt like to be with you. How I felt laughing and laying next to you. Your slowly fading while the pain of our memories are deeply enbedded into my heart. I want you to take them with you so they dont haunt me, store them in a box in your addic where they will never be seen again, yet I want to soak them up, engulf them  into my skin so that I can remeber what happiness feels like. I hope they are right, that time heals all wounds even this one because there is nothing I can do, its a gapping hole that gets bigger every second your away. I am afraid I will relapse and it will be a mistake because you dont want me, you just feed my addiction, you know that I need  you. If time heals this wound I know I will have a scar, a scar that aches with the sight of your face, or the memory of our once favorite movie. That I could live with because it will mean recovery it will mean that I dont have to hurt anymore you will just be a scar a scar that is no longer a gapping wound. I am ready to heal even if that means time, I am sick of feeling this way all because of someone who didnt understand what I have to offer. Pain wont swallow me whole unless I let it, and I swear I wont, hopefully...