Healing Hearts and Learning Experiences

Healing.

Recently I have had some truama in my life. Someone I love hurt me in the most painful way. At first I was angry, screaming how could you do this to me?! How could you say you love me yet distroy my heart? I have recently written a post about this same topic but it wasn't as personal and it was angry, filled with angry words that came spilling out. I don't think that was fair. Fair of me to not put down how I really feel, to let my anger mask the hurt. I was very vague and not as honest as I wanted to be. It has now been maybe a  month or more since I walked in on someone I care about holding another woman. I try not to count the days. He might get mad at me posting this, but this is all I know how to let me feelings go, is to type. I also want to help others going through the same painful process. I have been working on forgiving him but it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt our relationship. We argue and somehow the topic of HER gets brought up out of anger and misunderstanding. Sometimes I cry at random times through out the day, I could be happy driving down the road and start bawling. For the first while I couldnt understand what SHE had that I didnt, why I wasn't good enough. I was hurt and I let my hurt turn into anger because it was the only way I felt somewhat better about the situation. Healing is hard, sertain situations like opening a door or wearing the same clothes you wore that day bring up the hurtful memories like it was yesterday. I am just taking it one day at a time and realizing that of course its going to hurt, its how I handle that hurt that matters. Its okay to cry, I have realized this. Holding it in can only make it worse because your bound to let it out one way or another, either with anger or tears that last longer, remember crying is part of the healing process. I remember asking him questions that I felt like I needed answers to, and him getting queit or even a little irritated because it hurt him just as much to talk about it. They were questions that were bound to just hurt me more, but I couldnt get the images out of my head, I still cant. I felt like I needed these answers for the images to go away, but it made them worse. I got to the point where I was silent about what was going on in my head, I no longer bring them up or say how much I hurt. Remeber that its okay to talk about it, in fact you SHOULD talk about it, bottling up emotions can never be good, this is something I'm working on. I understand I am healing. Nothing will make those images go away but time, and venting. I am working on forgiving him and realizing that his choices have nothing to do with me. Its not about how imperfect I am. This experience has taught me a lot about the kind of person I am. I am not writing this to make him feel bad or to make him seem like a bad person, because he isnt. Relationships arent easy. Just because something bad happens doesnt mean your life is over, it doesnt mean that you wont hurt, but it also doesnt mean you wont get through it. I am trying to be postive about the healing process I am going through, I am trying to be patient and understanding.. You have to take it one day at a time and let yourself heal. Realize that your partner made a mistake and it has nothing to do with you. Sooner or later your sadness will end, there will be no more crying, no more nightmares, or assumptions, and no more starting fights with your partner just to feel something. I want everyone to understand that even the people you love can hurt you, that healing from traumatic experiences are hard, and you find yourself expecting more from your partner because of this.. You will make it through it will love and support. Keep your head high and stay postive.Try to remember that staying angry or acting like everything is perfect wont help you heal. Try to communicate with them, tell them what is going on. You have to let your feelings out and realize what they mean and why they are there. Keep your head held high, things can only get better with time.