Popping Xanax??!

My 

damn heart... I have been having this feeling since last Wednesday that my heart is going to jump out of my chest. Do you know that feeling when your about to do something scary? Like go into a haunted house or ride a roller coaster, that's how my heart feels constantly. It has felt that way for a week, A WEEK!! I once wrote on here a story about an anxiety attack I had in my work parking lot,and how I called my dad crying. Its like that feeling all over again but more permanent. I have tried yoga, working out, everything to get it to go away but it has been sticking to me. I called my grandma to ask her what doctor she went to so that if it didn't stop I could go see someone. My grandma was concerned and told me to go to Instacare instead. I went last night, I sat in the tiniest room for a little over an hour, staring at the white ceiling and listening to the three year old in the room next to mine cry. The nurse told me all my vital signs were normal and I just wanted to shout at her, WHATS WRONG WITH ME THEN??!! The doctor finally came into the tiny room, with her grey hair and tired eyes and told me that I was suffering from a severe anxiety attack. She handed me a bright red paper with a prescription for  a knock of brand of Xanax. She said once the prescription ran out  I would have to go to my primary doctor and get evaluated for anxiety and be put on medicine I can take daily that is less addictive. Then they grey hair, tired doctor sent me on my way. I never wanted to be on medication for my anxiety. I always thought it was something I could take care of and handle on my own. I thought I could conquer my anxiety and not let it eat me up inside, but I didn't realize how hard of a task that actually is. I felt defeated in a way, that I let my anxiety get this bad, what happened? Why cant I control it? Am I crazy? I am terrified to take my newly found way to cope with something that I have lived with for a long time.  I thought I was stronger and that is the worst part to me...but that is the thing, does getting help really make you weak? What if being on medication will help me? What if I will be in a better mood, less controlling over every aspect of my life? There are things you can live with, and things you cant, and suffering from anxiety is something that is very hard to live with. The grey haired doctor told me that sometimes severe anxiety attacks often feel like the same symptoms of a heart attack! Shame on me for getting help for that. If there is one thing I learned last night from sitting in that tiny room talking to a woman in a white lab coat is  that its okay to ask for help, even if it scares you to do so. I am worried that the medication will change me and I hope it doesn't because I like who I am. I am willing to try though because that's all I can do. I am ready to be better now. Do not ever think of getting help as being defeated, you are stronger than you think and braver than you know. Somethings are just stepping stones towards bettering your future, towards bettering yourself and the person you want to be. You will be okay.

You Can Have My Heart

You're

chaos was rooted into your bones and poured out of your soul like fire.
I cannot contain you, for you are your own flame and you have set my heart ablaze.
 Here I am melting from my very core while you're growing stronger.
Oh the things I'll sacrifice for love. <3

Dessert Pizza and Happiness

The other night

four girls devoured a whole dessert pizza to themselves in less than five minutes. I was included in that four, because the other three were some of my roommates. Today we are hiking Logan Canyon, to see a pretty view we found on Instagram. When I first walked through the house I live in I was so nervous. I didn't think I could live with five other girls, because I never really had friends that were girls in the first place. My palms were sweaty and I wondered the whole time if I could do it, If I could get along with all of them. If I would fit in. I have grown to love my roommates more than anything. I love that I always have someone there, we support each other, and give each other advice. I have learned so much from living with all of them. I have learned that I am not the only woman in the world who doesn't know how to cook. I have learned that sometimes its okay to eat your feelings, that drinking tea at all hours, all day everyday is socially acceptable. That women do support each other and have each others backs. I have learned that men suck and I am not the only one who has problems with them. That its okay to binge watch a television show on weekdays and even on weekends. Most of all I have learned what it feels like to have genuine friends, to live life, and to have fun. I remember how nervous I felt the first few weeks. I stayed in my room and I felt like I would never fit in. I made myself feel little because I was so afraid of what they would think of me. Then we all started to grow closer, I started coming out of my room. Now I don't know how I would feel not living with them! I would be lost. I think I definitely chose the right roommates to live with, or maybe they chose me. They have helped me grow, have taught me my worth. Have taught me about team work and talking things out. When I tell people I live with five girls they look at me like I am crazy. In return I look at them like they will never understand what dance parties are like,  what it means to have someone to lean on when your sad, what it means to play twister in your living room (and have enough people to do it), what it means to cook dinner together, to laugh until your cheeks hurt, and to binge watch television shows together. Having roommates for me has been the best adventure of my life. I have met some of the greatest, strongest girls. I have met some true friends who I know will always have my back, even if I forget to wash my dishes sometimes, or clean the bathroom on my turn. We aren't just roommates we are good friends. Thank you girls for teaching me that not all girls are mean and that I can have a good time. My heart is forever full. You guys are awesome and I love you!

Flaws and Potential

I am

a very picky lover. I pick, pull, and stretch at people until I think they have met what they are actually worth. People hide behind their flaws, using them as excuses. I just want someone to love me enough to try and fight beyond their flaws and the things that have happened to them. I am no saint, I don't hold myself higher than anyone else, but I work hard. I fight to be different, to be successful in all that I do.I want someone who will stand next to me in their own success, but no one sees themselves as worthy enough for their own success. I have been broken, I have loved all the wrong people at all the wrong times. I just wish someone would stand up and show me that they want to be the man I deserve, fight for me, please fight for me because I think I am worth it. I think I am worth becoming successful, in striving in doing my best. I think every man is worthy of being successful for himself. I am so tired of finding all these men who have so much potential but they don't own it. They don't stand up and try to build themselves an empire. Every single person deserves someone who is willing to put in just as much effort into their lives as that person does their own. I want someone who can take care of me and themselves, is that such a bad thing? Is it bad that I want someone who has ambition and goals and will do anything to reach them? You can love anyone, you really can. Its how much effort you put into that love, into being successful. I know what I want out of my life and living in a one bedroom apartment for the rest of my life, barely able to pay my rent, or doing drugs, is not an option. It just simply isn't, and how am I supposed to share my life with someone who thinks it is? I cant sacrifice my hopes and dreams for someone who doesn't think they are good enough to change their own lives or is just to comfortable to make a change. I know my worth and I have spent my life lowering my worth to settle for men who I thought could be enough. Who I thought would maybe wake up one day and realize they needed to change, if not for me then for themselves, but they never woke up. I was heartbroken every single time. I cannot do that anymore. I know what I want and I am not settling for less than that. Fight for me, show me why I deserve someone like you, why I should choose you because my happiness matters, and so does yours. We will not be happy together if we are not expecting the same thing out of life. I am expecting to build my own empire by fighting for what I want, step up and show me that you are too. Show me that I am worth it, that your own life is worth it. That you want to be as successful in all areas of your life that you can be. No one wants to marry someone who doesn't have potential to raise a family, to support their significant other, to be there for them, why would I want to date someone who doesn't? I will make some man some day very very happy and I know that because I am striving every single day to be the best me I can possibly be. Reach for your full potential, if someone is worth it to you if you are worth it. If you love someone show them, help them build an empire because everyone knows you cant build one alone. Bring all that you got to the table and fight for your damn future because I know that I am completely worth it, and so are you. Fight for me, because I am worthy.

There's Always Beauty in a Rainstorm

Sometimes I just want to cry. For no darn reason at all,  besides the fact that the world feels like its crushing me and I can't hold it up anymore.

So I cry. And thats okay... Its always okay.
There's beauty somewhere in these breakdowns.

Committing for Commitment.

I guess

I just don't want to be in a relationship. I don't know why. Maybe commitment scares me? Maybe every time I have committed to a relationship it has utterly failed. Maybe that's my fault, and maybe its not. Maybe I quite frankly don't care who's fault it is. I have recently started my own adventure. I have found more friends, more things to do, I have found more of myself. I think I am mostly afraid that being in a relationship will ruin that, will take away my freedom to be me. I don't want to have to worry about a boyfriend, I want to be able to travel, alone. Without him tagging along, without anyone tagging along. I want to be able to hang out with my friends and not have someone worry about what I am doing or where I am at. I want to spend my Saturdays and Sundays the way I want to spend them. I have gotten comfortable in my own solitude. I am comfortable being alone. I don't want anyone taking that away. I guess that's why relationships get messy for me, I start liking someone. I start getting attached and then the boyfriend thing just happens, then I feel trapped, or I feel like the relationship isn't progressing, then I rebel.  I start trying to run away from the relationship. I start picking at all the flaws I can find within the situation and then it all ends. I ruin it. All of it. So I guess it is my fault....I guess its my fault that I see no reason to get attached to someone right now... no one my age is looking for marriage. No one my age is going to settle down right now, get a house and have children. No. That happens in your late twenty's/ early thirties. So whats the point? No man my age is going to want to keep me for five years, move in together, marry me and then have children. Commitment at my age is hardly ever an option, five years is forever. A lot of my break ups have ended with the words "I just don't think I am ready to commit right now" so whats the point for me? I would rather be alone then have a boyfriend for a couple months or a year and then break up because they aren't ready to "commit".  I wanted that commitment, I didn't want to waste my time, and I also wanted to be ready for commitment too. I think being alone will prepare me for that. Will teach me what I want, and what I don't want. It will teach me to love myself so I can love someone worth committing to. I think its fine to not want to commit, but you shouldn't go off looking for someone who does if you don't.  You shouldn't invest a year into someone and then say you don't want to commit, because a year is already a commitment. I don't want a relationship because I openly understand now why men cant commit to me, because I fight for a future. Because I used to want that white picket fence and a marriage and that scares the shit out of someone who is my age. It scares people to think that they are stuck in one situation, with one person. That they could be stuck with me forever. After I thought about it that way, I realized I don't need that white picket fence anymore, I don't need a man who is back and forth about wanting me because he is to immature to imagine a future. I don't need a man who is so ready for commitment that the suffocate me, when all I want is some free time, some friends either. I don't need to try to mold someone to want the things that I want. I need myself, I need adventures, and commitment to things like school, long hiking trips, late night movies with friends, commitment to myself. You don't always need a fairy tale prince to make you happy, sometimes all you need is to build your own fairy tale. Being alone isnt always a bad thing...

Drowning in Bills

Sometimes

I really hate being an adult. You move out of your parents house, go to college like you are supposed to, keep a steady job and try so hard to pay all of your bills. Its hard and there's days I feel like the world is ending and I am surely going to die. Such as yesterday, yesterday was good until I found out my health insurance wont cover a bill I have from the doctors (720 dollars of a bill) I had a melt down. A big melt down that consisted of literally crying to my roomies about it. I still have no idea what I am going to do to pay it off, I'm still paying on other bills such as dentist bills. My roomies insisted on having a bake sale and I laughed, then we went to dinner and I felt better because I wasn't alone to think about it.  Then we got home, they all went to bed and I was alone again. I thought to myself that I am failing. I am failing so bad at being an adult. I owe all this money just for keeping my body healthy. That doesn't even begin to seem fair. I guess I just thought that things were going to be easier than this once I became an adult, like I would grow up, have endless money and never be in debt. (We all wish!) I felt like in that moment that I wasn't doing anything right. The lady at the doctors office said "this is why we tell people to make sure their insurance will cover procedures first" I wanted to strangle her! Trust me lady, I called and they said they would! Why would I, a 20 year old college student want to take the chance and pay for a 720 bill?! See what the insurance company didn't tell me was that they would only pay for it AFTER I met my deductible and I haven't, go figure.So I was on high feelings of failure status of feeling like my world was ending and I would soon die. All I wanted to do was cry and ask myself, when would I ever get my crap together?! I fell asleep crying, but I woke up this morning and really thought about it.. Does owing money on a bill really make me a failure, because I decided to do what I needed to do for my body? What about everything else I am doing, having a steady job for a year, going to school to be a psychology major, soon starting a class to train for EMT, moving out of my parents, paying every single one of my own bills (car insurance, car payment, phone bill, rent etc.) and not even once asking my parents to help me pay them? Am I really, after all that, going to sit here and call myself a failure and say I cant pay for this stupid bill?! It might take time sure, but I know I can do it. I can do anything I set my mind to. Sometimes that happens though, you wake up and you just don't want to do it anymore, you want to give up because you feel like you wont ever catch a break! Which is reasonable, to be honest at this time in my life I probably wont catch a break for a really long time, I am 20 years old and barely starting to see what this adult thing is like. There is no time for breaks right now, its head first, smack me with all that you got, time. If I can deal with break ups, all other bills, college, work, and soon EMT school I can handle anything. I collected my barrings and all I can do is jump head first and deal with my issues, so I made a mistake and didn't get all the details from my insurance, well now I have learned. Do not let the push and pull of life tear you down. You can conquer anything, absolutely anything that is thrown at you as long as you have the will power and muster up the strength to do it. Do not let bills or other stressors get you down. You take them one day at a time and you pay them or you fix and conquer them, That is all you can do. No one said that life was going to be easy, its all a test of how much will power you have. Show the world you have it.

Maybe I am not Pleasant: I am The Wolf Only Barely Contain

Have you considered that maybe I am not pleasant?

maybe I wear lipstick so that
you will see my pretty pink mouth
wrapping around a coffee cup lid
and be distracted enough not to notice
that I am intelligent and powerful;
a threat.

maybe I draw my brows into high arches
so you will look at my unimpressed skepticism
and overlook my spiteful glare
as a trick of my silly, girlish routine.

maybe I wear my heels so high and thin
so that I grasp your attention with the sway of my hips
as I listen to the click-clack-click against the floor
and know that if you should try to overpower me
I walk on sharpened knives.

maybe when I laugh at your worthless jokes
I am really baring my fangs
waiting patiently for the day
that I sink them into your neck.

I am not made of porcelain pleasantries;
you will find that these things are my armor
to keep you at a distance
so you do not step on me and shatter
my fragile control.

I am not a husk — I am not wilting.
I am turning my head
so that the fire blazing through my eyes
does not catch on the accelerant of your sweaty palms
and burn your bones to dust.

I am not your pretty girl;
I am a fury, a faerie, a phoenix —
a forest of werewolves and wendigos
that will carve out your chest
so that the next time I paint my pretty pink lips
I will taste the copper tang of your dying breaths.


- R.K., I Am The Wolf Only Barely Contain

This is definitely my new favorite poem. Women aren't just pretty, there's fire in my eyes. 

Investments

If there's one 

thing I have learned, its that people do not understand how much work a relationship takes. People don't understand that after the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship its all about working. You have to invest, invest, invest your love into someone else or else your love will no longer grow. Love needs to grow to stay alive, just like anything else. If your love isn't growing well then sadly its dying. Not only does one person need to invest love in a relationship but both people do. If only one person is investing then only one side of their love is growing while the other one is dying. I think I did that a lot, invested my love into people who weren't willing to invest back and I didn't invest when I should have. Everyone reads fairy tales and hears stories about how easy love should be, well its not, not one damn bit. Nothing is easy so why would we begin to think that for half a second that love is easy? Everyone knows that love is the most complicated thing... it is never easy. People are always so quick to give up on their love, on their relationships if fights start to happen or if things aren't going quite as smoothly as they used to, they say they aren't meant to be and walk away. If your house has a leak do you just move? No you fix it. You mend it, patch it, call a guy to vacuum out the water, you never just walk away. If only people were like houses. You have to keep doing the little things that you did at the beginning of your relationship like holding hands, or leaving short love notes for your partner. The little things are more important than you think, they help keep your love alive, keep it growing. Invest invest invest. Just like you do in anything else, work, school, family. If both people invest the love will stay alive, if only one person invests the other person will feel half wanted and it will crash your relationship, if both do not invest, the love will fade away and there will be nothing left except the hint of love they started with. If two people don't invest in their relationship  it wont grow, it will either be stuck at the starting point or fizzled out, that's with any relationship weather it be friendship, family, or a boyfriend or girlfriend. You have to meet half way in your investment,no one can be investing more than the other. I have seen and have had a lot of relationships die over no one investing. Its not that  the love wasn't there, love has a potential to be anywhere, its that it wasn't given a chance to grow, no one invested in it. Remember that relationships take investing, love takes investing and hard work, and if you and your significant other remember this your love will keep growing and you will have something special. Wait for someone who is willing to invest in you, to give you their all no matter how much work it takes, and show them that you are willing to invest in them too. Love means investing and hard work, it means supporting each other even when leaks start to happen.