Am I Worthy Enough?

A couple days ago

I hit my breaking point. I called a friend and vented to him telling him I didn't know what to do, that my life was so complicated and I just let everything out. Specifically about my love life, because I felt like I couldn't tell anyone else. People say that if you are in love, you will know it. You wont have any doubt in your mind. I have found that to be false. Love is sometimes more complicated than that, it gets sticky, and you don't know what others are truly feeling unless they show you, and sometimes they don't seem to know how to do that. The thing you have to remember though, is that you can't force them to show you. They can say I love you a million times but if you feel mixed signals between what they are saying and what they are actually doing then you have to step back and really look at what is happening. Do they need you, or do they need someone? There is a difference. My head and my heart have been in battle about someone that I care deeply about for a very long time. Its exhausting. I have tried everything, text messages, letters, deep conversations,not talking to him, talking to him, everything to get him to show me how he really feels to get a reaction out of him (not just tell me,but show me.) If I remember correctly, I told my friend on the phone that I felt like a puppy begging for this guys attention. I feel needy, like I am begging to be loved, and not just by anyone but by this one certain guy. Its exhausting and so time consuming and in the midst of it all, this guy should be the one begging me for my love, but that is the problem. I love and I love deeply, strongly and I don't stop showing that no matter how bad I have been hurt by someone, I have no boundaries because I put to much faith in people. I frustrate myself with how much I beg him because my brain tells me I shouldn't but deep down I think that I know that if I didn't beg, he wouldn't try to chase me and we would drift apart and I would have to fight like hell to get over him. So the question always is, do you fight like hell to get over someone, or do you fight like hell to convince them your worth loving? That's the thing though, aren't you enough without all the convincing? Aren't you worth loving regardless? You should be, and if you don't feel like you are maybe you should look at yourself again, more clearly. You are enough, and some people just cant seem to see that, but why is it your job to convince them that they should see it? Its not your job, it simply isn't. My friend I called was upset with me, he said you are smarter than that and you are stronger than that. You are an independent woman who shouldn't beg for any mans attention, if he cant give it to you willingly than that is his loss because why wouldn't he want to? There is no excuse, you are gorgeous, smart, funny and you know what you are doing. You are not dumb, you are smart. You have so much worth and I think you have known it all along. You just have refused to confront it, You have been dumbing down your worth because you are afraid. You are the strongest person I know and you have been living your life by yourself for awhile now, you support yourself, you know what you like and what you want and you know how to go out there and get it, you do not need someone who doesn't need you.  You are laying down and dying for someone who doesn't seem to give a shit, as long as your convenient, he will be there to "want" you. You have to decide if you are ready to die or if you are going to stand up and live. He told me that whatever I decided he would support me but that I am the only one who could load that shot gun and shoot it. I wanted to thank him for making me realize my worth, because for awhile now I haven't. I woke up this morning seeing myself in a whole new light. Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget the power you have. You don't give yourself the credit you deserve. People love you, tons of people and a lot of them don't need convincing to do so, so the question is, is it worth it? I have chose to walk away, because what is there left to fight for if I am the only one fighting? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.Life is complicated, and there are things you want to fight and fight for but then you realize your armor is falling off and your facing reality. There will be times when you want something so bad, but then after awhile you realize you cant want it anymore, there's only so much you can take. You can accomplish anything, even the biggest decisions, like to keep fighting for a love you are not sure still exists or to give up and find a new love.This is your life, you have the strength to make those decisions do not forget your worth and what you are worthy of accomplishing. I am worthy of more, the question is, are you?