Living Without You

The hardest

part of losing someone isn't losing them, the hardest part is learning to live without them. You lose them more than once. You loose them every time you see a movie you watched together or their favorite song comes on your Pandora station and you cant decide if you should change it or listen to it. Its a sinking feeling that never goes away and just when you think it could be disappearing, you find their shirt in your laundry and you want to tell them you have it, but you cant because their gone and that losing feeling, the fact that your living without them hits you all over again. Losing someone is a constant, aching job. Its not a one day thing, its every day over and over again. You lose them when you wake up and roll over and they aren't on their side of the bed next to you,holding you; so you decide to sleep in the middle for fear of waking up again and realizing your alone. You loose them when you are waiting for a good morning text or goodnight phone call that never comes. Its a vicious cycle, of losing losing losing. In every moment that you wish you could tell them about, in wanting to tell them about your day but they are gone, being lost. Losing someone is a full time commitment of never texting, never calling. Of aching so deep inside that you feel like you are sinking into the middle of  the earth, through a puddle. Loss never ends, learning to live without someone never ends. Your not okay for a very very long time, in fact you don't know if you will ever be okay, because you didn't think you could live without that person, without hearing their laugh, without their presence. You realize you are, your living without them and its the hardest damn thing that you have ever done and your not good at it. You aren't good at loss, at waking up alone, at song lyrics that remind you of them. It all just sucks and you just want to cry or scream because your not good at any of it. You loose them when you think about kissing them and running your fingers through their hair, or when you just want someone to hug all your broken pieces back together. You lose them in pictures and sayings, in quotes you read that remind you of every inch of their soul. In t-shirts they bought you for your birthday that you can no longer wear anymore because you see them in it when you look in the mirror. You lose them in their favorite restaurants and words that come out of your mouth that they used to say. You wake up every day knowing that its another day you can lose them all over again and you realize its not losing that's hard its living without them, its having a constant memory that never goes away. Losing someone is hard but living without them is harder.