Waking Up Somewhere Else

Its funny

when you wake up and your somewhere else. I don't mean somewhere else psychically, I mean mentally, in your brain. You wake up and you realize you are somewhere different, somewhere you aren't sure of. You roll over, sit up straight and you are in an ah ha moment where you just ask yourself, "what am I doing?" For awhile now I haven't known what I am doing. I haven't known what I want, and I have filled myself with ideas. Ideas that I need to be alone, but I don't know if it was because I really needed to be alone, or because I didn't think I deserved not to be alone. There is one person on this planet I promised myself I would never be like, and I hate to admit it but I am like her more than I want to be. I am a lot like my mother, I run when things get tough, scary,or unsure, and I hide behind excuses. Back to what I was saying though, I woke up somewhere else. I woke up in a place that was clear, where I could finally see. There was no confusion to what I am supposed to be doing. I am supposed to be surrounded by people who love me, people who would do anything for me, people who deserve me and one of those people consist of you. I was blinded though, blinded by my past, by following my mothers footsteps emotionally even though I have been trying so hard not to. All my mother ever wanted was for a man to love her. I mean truly love her. She looked for this love in shallow places and misunderstood actual love for greed and lies. I cant remember how many boyfriends she had, there were to many to count. From the time I was twelve on, I just started calling them all by their psychical features you know, shorty, tall, baldy, the one with the tattoo, they no longer had names to me. I couldn't name them because they didn't last very long. They would cheat on her, leave her for someone else, or "it just didn't work out". It was a mean cycle of listening to her cry, them breaking up and getting back together only to break up again, and driving with her past their house for proof or revenge, depending on her mood. She thought she was in love with every single one of those men.She thought that she could convince them to love her back. That's one quality my mom had that wasn't flawed, she loved, she loved a lot, without expecting, even after getting broken over and over again she treated every new lover like the first lover she had ever had. My mom was searching for something, something she couldn't find in her kids, or her family, and something she thought she could find in every low life man that she introduced me to. I hated seeing her get hurt, I told myself that I never wanted to fall in love if that was all that love was. This was the only form of love from a women's point of view that I was taught, I was taught by my mother that love isn't real. I remember one night with one of her boyfriends, I was woken up in the middle of the night by them fighting, screaming at each other. I ran out of my room to tell them to shut up because my little brother was sleeping (and I thought I was the woman of the house) I ran out just in time to see a picture frame that was hanging in our stair well get thrown at my mom  by this man who "loved" her. I remember telling the so called boyfriend at the time to get out and to never come back. He left but came back the next morning and him and my mom were fine, like nothing had even happened the night before. I was angry at her for excepting this form of "love" I thought to myself how that wasn't love, how could you throw something and scream a horrible word to call a lady at someone you loved? He didn't love her, and I knew it, he left and never came back about a week later. That was one of her "it didn't work out" scenarios. The worst part about all of this was that my mom didn't blame herself for all these mistaken loves, she blamed every man she ever dated. It was their fault it didn't work out, it wasn't hers for choosing the wrong type of man, it wasn't her fault that she fell in love with people who didn't know how to love her back. I learned that every man is likely to leave me or hurt me. The saddest part is, I am being just like my mom. I blame every problem I have ever had on the few years that she had to raise me. I blame the fact that I don't know how to love, that I am scared to love on the experiences that she gave me. I blame the fact that I am mad, hurt, depressed, and have anxiety on my mom. Until this morning when I woke up, sat up and realized that this is my life not my moms. I don't have to choose crappy men. I don't have to wonder who loves me and who doesn't, if you watch carefully its clear to see. I don't have to be angry at her because she choose a crappy path for her own life and it just happened to effect me. I am sick of playing the blame game. I am sick of being like her and making up excuses for the crappy situations that I get myself in. I have been through a lot but that gives me no excuse to make up excuses or hurt people. It gives me no excuse to be afraid, or choose something because its familiar even though I know its not right, even if I know its not the ideal situation for me to be in. I know there is real loving men out there, I know that there is also crappy ones who pretend to care and I know that sometimes I can be a pretty crappy person too. I know that I have hurt people and its time to start explaining myself, its time to fix my life. Do not blame others for your not so ideal situations, remember you chose to be in that situation. I might have not chosen how my mom chose to raise me, to teach me, to not teach me ,but I do get to decide how I take that information and learn from it, how I choose to let it effect my life. Growing up wasn't ideal. I did not have the best time growing up, and I went through a lot, but that is no excuse. I woke up somewhere else, somewhere where my problems are fixable, my mind is clearer and I am ready to move on, and correct my life,I am starting with you. You know who you are.For once I love someone who is worth loving, who thinks I am worth loving, who understands me, who is worth more than I have been showing lately.I have missed you every second, I want you to know that if your reading this. Its time to woman up. If you are not happy with your life fix it. If you are making excuses for your own choices, or blaming others stop. You can be happy, but first you have to smooth out all the bumps and bruises, and it might be hard but remember its right and you will be happy because of it.