Stuckness, is that a word?

I cannot

believe how many rough drafts I have saved on here lately. I write about a half a page and think about posting it and then I don't. Its just all jumbled. Every once of words I type lately have been utterly empty. I guess you write how you feel. Empty empty empty. If you repeat it enough times that word becomes funny, but I guess if you repeat anything enough times it becomes funny. I feel dangerous lately, like I'm stuck in a cocoon I would do anything to get out of. I have resulted to sleeping with the window open and listening to slow music in the morning to try and help my stuckness. Is that even a word? My spell check says its not, but I will leave it there, stuckness, feels a lot like saying empty. Empty and Stuckness have become my constants. I don't find that as much of a problem as you think. Sometimes you have to be empty, because if your empty the days mesh together and you forget when its Friday or your birthday. Your just living, breathing, doing. Conquering. I am conquering off of my empty stuckness. If you are a grammar control freak I bet stuckness is a hard word for you to read, not for me because I made it up and I like the way it sounds. It describes me. A word that doesn't exist but is made up of letters and words that do. Stuckness, yeah I like that. I forgot what it felt like to laugh at words and to breathe other people in. Empty empty empty. I think I am empty? Am I really though, I am not so sure. I think I remember how to feel, I think I remember that I laugh sometimes and I enjoy it. I guess I am not empty. Just having a loss of words. Stuckness. That's still a word I can be. Stuck without words, stuck stuck stuck. How am I supposed to write when I have so much going on in my head? How am I supposed to decide. I'm working on my stuckness. The windows are open and I am trying to feel free. You cant write when you feel stuckness because your words are empty, hollow, empty empty. I will not claim to have writers block because that is something else, that is something that is not stuckness. I am almost half way through the page and I have talked about nothing, empty. I thought about erasing this, no need for one more rough draft. I think I'll post it anyways because I like the word stuckness and the fact that for once I can make up a word to laugh at. Sometimes you have to do that, invent your own feelings. Stuckness Stuckness. Its actually better than saying empty, but I am coming to the conlclusion that maybe in my head they mean the same thing? Whatever I am, what ever I feel that is it. I am exactly that, but for now I am a blank white page, I am a word I made up, the feeling of stuckness, a rambling blog post. I am this and I am nothing at all and everything at once. I am Meaghan. When I figure out what else I am I will be sure to tell you, until then stuckness stuckness stuckness.