Self Reflection at its finest

Dont.

Rule number one of all things people. Dont let someone tell you that they are doing something wrong because of you. Dont let someone say that they made a mistake because of something you did. Its a lie. Every single bit of it. Mistakes are made willingly, they CHOSE to do whatever they did. They just cant handle the reprecutions of the situation so they blame you, and you believe it. You believe it because you want, maybe even need an explination, and explination to help your psyche. To help you analyze what just happened. Dont take it being your fault as the explination. You dont control other people's actions, no matter how angry or hurt you made that person feel, what they choose to do because of those feelings are totally their own choices. Now to turn the tables a bit, the same goes for you. Don't make something you did someone else's fault. You willingly put yourself into a position that maybe you aren't proud of, own up to that. Take fault for your mistakes and then analyze yourself, figure out why you did that so that you can grow from it. Stand up and be a big person. Adimitting you did something wrong takes guts, blaming others is a cowardly move. Understand that people blame you as a way out, once they make you think its your fault you no longer question them, you question yourself, with the why wasnt I good enough? Why did I have to make them so angry to result in this? That is what they want. They want it to no longer be their fault because then its easier for them to face it. To hide behind thier own mistakes. You need to understand how your choices effect people around you. How that mistake will never get resolved with you or that person blaming each other. You will no longer have a good relationship, things will end up collapsing around you and you will no longer have a ground to stand on. This is because you will start to feel like the guilty one, and you wont understand why or how, it will be a constant battle within yourself to figure out how you could cause someone to do something that hurt you. Then on the otherhand, the person doing the blaming will start to feel guilty, will put off bringing up the issue, will keep making up things that you could have done to make them turn to this mistake, they will start getting angry, inpatient, will start telling you they just arent good enough for you. This in turn will make the other person feel worse until sooner or later you both are just pretending to be happy, while the underlining issue is still growing. The first step to resloving any problem is admitting you have one. Admitting how you feel, why you did what you did, why your angry about what someone else did. Once the problem is sloved and talked about it can then with time start to become just a bump in your relationship. The hardest thing for people to do as humans is to adimt they aren't perfect, and that is why relationships end up having fall outs. You end up just blaming each other for your OWN issues and mistakes. When in reality you should analyze yourself and take a step back so that you can realize what you need to work on as a person, as someone who wants to work on a realationship. As a team you need to stop blaming each other, and really start thinking about what the REAL issue is so that you can help each other reslove it. I believe that communication is what a relationship should be built on and if you can't look your partner in the eye and tell them you have made a mistake and you are working on yourself and trying to figure out why you made that mistake then you need to do some more self analyzing and really work on yourself before working on any serious relationship. Remember that relationships are about TWO people and you are no longer able to just do things without it effecting not only you but your partner as well. Come to peace with yourself and figure out who you are and then you can put your best foot forward in realationships because you will be at one with yourself, you wont be ashamed to admit you made a mistake or have a problem because you will have realized that you arent perfect and in the long run it is much easier to admit you were wrong then to hurt someone else for your own benefit.

Lost at sea

I took your heart 

And shoved it into my pocket. I thought it belonged to me, that I could hold it, and listen to it's rhythmic thumping. It never was really mine was it? I could never quite explore the shallow walls of the heart you kept most farthest away from my yearning soul. There was no openings, no secret passage I could somehow unlock. It was sealed tight so that I could never feel it's crevices or sink myself down deep into the warmth that showed through your eyes, trying to seep out and swallow me completely whole, embellishing my every sense of being for a split second. You were fighting a battle, in which you let your mind win. I wasn't allowed to explore your heart. The fear of being hurt consumed you, swallowed you whole and trapped you in it's lies. I was broughten in by your current and then shoved away like a wave kissing the shore. I only had your heart for that sweet single second. Then your heart was lost at sea, stolen from my very pocket by the lies you told yourself. Your heart is warm and yearning to be discovered, waiting for someone to dare explore it. Like me, that explorer will be shoved away, lost in a motion of back and forth between your head and your undiscovered heart. This explorer will be trapped, and soon realize that you are at war. A war between what you think and what you feel. A war that will end with your own heart shoved back into your own pocket, and your brain the object that is placed upon your sleeve for all to take. Your feelings will be locked away in your heart which resides in your pocket, to never be taken out, to never be loved, to cause unbearable suffering until you realize it is screaming to escape and your feelings can no longer put it to sleep. Then and only then will you escape your fears that bind you to a world of bearly feeling.

"I love the person I have become

Because I have fought to become her."

I read this saying once and realized how true it was when it came to me. I have fought and fought for the person I have become and am still becoming. I have fought to hard to let sleepless nights get to me, to let anyone replace my feelings. To let anyone shape me into someone I am not. I dont care who you are, you either except me for the crazy, smart, overbearing, dress wearing woman that I am or you can walk away. I'll nicely hold the door open for you. I have realized that you dont have as much control over your life as you think you do, things happen for a reason, so you can grow. I will never force someone to stay in my life ever again because if they are trying to leave they obviously weren't meant to be here. If you think about it, someone walking out of your life is a horribly beautiful thing, the way you gave them so much and they can say that it wasnt good enough, that you weren't good enough. Well here's to those who have heard that statment. Your always good enough, good enough to wake up every morning, to be yourself, to choose who you want to be, what you want to look like, where you want to go. You are good enough to be your own wild, carefree version of you. One person saying that your not good enough should never effect how you actually feel about yourself. You are strong, if no one is going to love you then the best person to love you is yourself. Dont bow down and feel weak, and dont tell them that they are right,that you arent good enough because you are. You always will be good enough, because who defines what "good enough" is? Who is the one on the pannel saying oops she messed up give her a 2 out of 10 for the "good enough" catagory? No one because it doesnt exist. If you have spent every second of your life deciding the type of person that you want to be, the goals you want to have, the type of people you'll except to be in your life then you will be good enough for yourself and others will just have to except you. If they dont maybe they arent good enough, not good enough in your own sense of good. Maybe you have high expectations, but just because someone cant meet those or except those expectations doesnt mean that they aren't good enough or that you are expecting to much. It just means that that person isn't the right person for you, that person can't and wont ever be able to deal with someone who knows what they want, what they expect, and what they wont settle for. I have fought every day of my life through bad relationships, good relationships, failed friendships, a friendship that has lasted 7 years, multiple jobs, multiple carreer choices, and multiple people. I have been through the best times and the worst times and to be honest the worst times is when I truly found myself, it is when all the little peices of me are started getting put together because even if someone is walking out of my life the left me with a gift. A gift called a lesson, they taught me what I dont want, what I do want, things about myself I never knew before.So I am okay, if  people want to walk away it will hurt because I have gaven them peices of me, peices I wont ever get back, but I will stand, and I will deal. In the end its for my benefit, because if they couldnt handle me at my darkest most needed moments, then they never deserved me at my best ones, and that relationship wouldn't of ever servived anyways. I want to live my life how I want it. Regardless of what others expected me to be like, regardless if I didn't live up to someone's expectations, because I live up to my own. Every single day, I smile, I stay strong and I fight to find and become myself, and that, that is the most purest love I could ever recieve. There is not one person who could change how I feel about myself, because I learn more things that I never knew, I survive more things then I ever thought I could, and I dont need someone to poison me, to tell me who and how I should be, to tell me the pain I cause them, because they have had every opprotunity to except who I am or to leave, because I have never changed who I am to fit someone elses preference. This is me, I am real and the only expectations I will ever fight to meet, and to achive is my own. If you dont like that, if you want to alter me, mold me into the person you think I should be, if you cant understand where I am coming from,or understand what I expect from a relationship, and how I expect to be treated then you can turn around the way you came and walk back out.

Gifts aren't always from the living.

Theres a Robin

that sits outside my window at work. There is two trees in front of this giant window that basically takes up the length of a wall.(for those of you who don't know I'm a receptionist.) This robin is a healthy looking one, with a gorgeous red belly and he looks well fed. He arrives in the same tree, same branch every morning I come into work. There is not a day where I dont expect to see it there. He will come and go all throughout the day, everyday. This beautiful bird is always alone, just staring off pertched in his tree. I always get excited to see him there, he gives me a sense of comfort, a feeling of overwhelming happiness. Its funny how little things like that can brighten your mood, you dont know this bird, he is not a pet, you haven't named him, nor will you ever name him. You just enjoy his presence, the feeling that he is stopping by just to say hello to you. The weird part is, that this tree has nothing to offer this Robin. Its a small tree, barely growing, probably even planted not to long ago. This tree has no leaves, for the winter has stolen them from it, there is no shelter, nor food that this tree could offer this plump bird. He just sits, chirps, and ruffels his feathers while sitting on the same branch. I could watch him for hours, wondering what its like to be a bird, to sit in a tree if you please, or fly around with a flicker of a wing. I have been trying to figure out for days now why this little bird comes to this tree every day. I came to a conclusion that weather its for me or not, I will say that it is. I think my grandma sent him to me, to keep me calm, to remind me that you have to enjoy the little things, to take everything in. That I need to remember what truly makes me happy and that my money, job, or relationship problems are trully insignificant if you look around and realize what really matters. I might be looking to far into this and overthinking it but I looked up what a robin symbolizes, what I saw amazed me. The Robin symbolizes rejuvenation, happiness, clarity, and satisfaction.  I am going through a time in my life where I am growing from a young girl into a woman, I am realizing what I want with my life, the kind of person I want to become. The fact that the Robin symbolzes all the things I am going through and trying to learn makes me believe that I am right, that my grandma sent him here to remind me to stay true to who I am and who I want to become. I think whatever higher being it is that is up there took my grandma because he needed her, but he also realized how much we need her down here too. I know I bring this subject up a lot in my blog, how much I miss her, how inspirational she was and still is to me, but I feel like even though she isn't pyshically here she is here in her spirit, she helps me everyday. I can feel her, in the wind or in little signs like the Robin that stop through my life. I wanted to tell you about this because I feel like its not just my grandma who can reach out to people. If you have lost someone you care about, someone you love, I am trully sorry but I want you to realize how great of a gift it is for you to have someone to watch over you, to bless you with small "signs" and gifts without you even realizing sometimes that it was them all along. I think my grandma enjoys this, enjoys coming into her famlies lives weather it be through dreams,smells,situations, or thoughts she surrounds us with happiness still. I can no longer feel sad that my grandma isnt with me,because she is everyday. I cant pyshically touch her, or hear her laughter which trully breaks my heart, but I can see her spirit growing through the actions of my step mom, through my cousins, and the rest of my family. She is here in our hearts and thats one thing you have to remember is please dont become so overwhelmed with Greif that it turns you cold, don't let death make you a sad person, realize that they are only gone for now, and that they arent really gone. You live on through them, by passing on what they taught you, by being a good example. Your loved ones wouldnt want you to cry for them, they wouldnt want you to let yourself become so sad that you no longer go on living this life you were blessed with. They are watching over you, and want to see you happy. Enjoy the "Robins" they send you and stay happy because I'm sure they go through a lot of effort to make gifts like the one I recieve every moring possible. Show them you care and that your living by passing on what they taught you, by talking about the memories, by living your life because thats all they would want  you to do.

Flaws and Imperfections

The way

his feet slushed through the snow like a higher being walking on water was the most graceful thing I have ever seen. The slow second it took for him to slip on the ice, frozen to the ground like it was afraid to dissapear, was even more talented. I fell in love with that man. The one I took in every morning, his hair a crazy mess and his breath the most awful renching smell to ever exsist. That was him in his most honest, beautiful form. I took his hand as he sat on the now melting ice and pulled, suddenly I realized I would now meet the same fate he did. My feet sliding out from underneath me, I toppled over onto my not so well rounded butt. He laughed until he couldn't breathe, stood up and helped me up off my now cold and wet butt. I wanted to kill him for laughing at me so hard when not only moments ago I was watching him do the exact same thing, holding back my laughter for his sake. It only took a moment for me to get over the fact that he was laughing at me. Oh how I loved his laugh, and the smile he beamed when he used it. I fell for him every second of every day, this man who drove me absolutly crazy yet kept me totally sane. I wanted to pull him close and breathe him in every second that I could. The way he looked at me was enough to melt all the thick ice that covered our driveway. Walking hand in hand with this man was like being queen and walking out to greet your country. I couldn't get enough, and amazingly the look on his face made me believe that he felt the exact same way. This lovely creature felt blessed to have me, he loved me for the way I am, the way I'm clumbsy, the way I made mistakes, even the way I looked in the morning. Thinking about this made me realize how our love was flawed, flawed to profection. He drove me nuts every day, pulled my hair, tickled my feet, and refused to pick a movie on sunday nights. I absoultly hated the way he licked his lips with his long tounge when that one resturant sounded amazing to him. I hated the way he'd leave the toilet seat up. The funny part is, the things I hated about him were the things I fell in love with. I realized how imperfect he was and I took it all in, it was heavenly, it stunned me into a stary eyed state of mind I couldnt seem to escape. It was a breath of fresh air to find someone who was flawed, who used his flaws as his most finest gifts. He didnt need to pretend, didnt need a prosona to protect him. That is what made me realize that I didnt either, I could have wild hair and not be ashamed of it, I could go to sleep without makeup on, not fearing if he saw what I looked like without it. I fell in love with the man who took in my imperfections and made them his idea of perfect. He thought I was lovely with my hair undone, and no makeup to cover up what society considered my flaws. I think thats what got me, the fact that he made me feel like if someone else could love my flaws I could too. Its important to love yourself, so others can love you. This man showed me all his flaws before I could even ask what they were, because to him they weren't his flaws they were the things that made him who he was. His "flaws" were his very most gifting qualities they were real and untamed. He showed me that it was okay to be me, to have flaws and imbrace them, for that I am utterly greatful. Let people fall in love with you, not for the way you carry yourself gracefully, put for the way you slip, stumble, and yet still hold your head up high. The world needs more love like that, more love that is real and honest. Love isn't perfect, it has its flaws just like everyone and everything else, but  what makes it wonderful is that it is open to flaws, it excepts them, embraces them and makes them beautiful. I will always love you for your imperfections, for the way you drive me crazy, the way you make every moment of my life complicated and exilerating. You deserve my love a thousand times over for showing me what its like to love myself. That will always be the greatest gift you have ever blessed me with, and for that I thank you. I wrote this for my biggest blogger fan.

Healing Hearts and Learning Experiences

Healing.

Recently I have had some truama in my life. Someone I love hurt me in the most painful way. At first I was angry, screaming how could you do this to me?! How could you say you love me yet distroy my heart? I have recently written a post about this same topic but it wasn't as personal and it was angry, filled with angry words that came spilling out. I don't think that was fair. Fair of me to not put down how I really feel, to let my anger mask the hurt. I was very vague and not as honest as I wanted to be. It has now been maybe a  month or more since I walked in on someone I care about holding another woman. I try not to count the days. He might get mad at me posting this, but this is all I know how to let me feelings go, is to type. I also want to help others going through the same painful process. I have been working on forgiving him but it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt our relationship. We argue and somehow the topic of HER gets brought up out of anger and misunderstanding. Sometimes I cry at random times through out the day, I could be happy driving down the road and start bawling. For the first while I couldnt understand what SHE had that I didnt, why I wasn't good enough. I was hurt and I let my hurt turn into anger because it was the only way I felt somewhat better about the situation. Healing is hard, sertain situations like opening a door or wearing the same clothes you wore that day bring up the hurtful memories like it was yesterday. I am just taking it one day at a time and realizing that of course its going to hurt, its how I handle that hurt that matters. Its okay to cry, I have realized this. Holding it in can only make it worse because your bound to let it out one way or another, either with anger or tears that last longer, remember crying is part of the healing process. I remember asking him questions that I felt like I needed answers to, and him getting queit or even a little irritated because it hurt him just as much to talk about it. They were questions that were bound to just hurt me more, but I couldnt get the images out of my head, I still cant. I felt like I needed these answers for the images to go away, but it made them worse. I got to the point where I was silent about what was going on in my head, I no longer bring them up or say how much I hurt. Remeber that its okay to talk about it, in fact you SHOULD talk about it, bottling up emotions can never be good, this is something I'm working on. I understand I am healing. Nothing will make those images go away but time, and venting. I am working on forgiving him and realizing that his choices have nothing to do with me. Its not about how imperfect I am. This experience has taught me a lot about the kind of person I am. I am not writing this to make him feel bad or to make him seem like a bad person, because he isnt. Relationships arent easy. Just because something bad happens doesnt mean your life is over, it doesnt mean that you wont hurt, but it also doesnt mean you wont get through it. I am trying to be postive about the healing process I am going through, I am trying to be patient and understanding.. You have to take it one day at a time and let yourself heal. Realize that your partner made a mistake and it has nothing to do with you. Sooner or later your sadness will end, there will be no more crying, no more nightmares, or assumptions, and no more starting fights with your partner just to feel something. I want everyone to understand that even the people you love can hurt you, that healing from traumatic experiences are hard, and you find yourself expecting more from your partner because of this.. You will make it through it will love and support. Keep your head high and stay postive.Try to remember that staying angry or acting like everything is perfect wont help you heal. Try to communicate with them, tell them what is going on. You have to let your feelings out and realize what they mean and why they are there. Keep your head held high, things can only get better with time.