Throwing Out The Television

Last

summer I went to California to visit my grandpa. He lives in a little house with no TV and tons of books. Entering his house was like entering a different world, a world full of calmness and cigar smoke. The atmosphere of his house was relaxing and welcoming. I had never really entered someones house and got the feeling that I received in his. There has been homes I have entered that are calming and make you feel welcomed, don't get me wrong but not quite like his. My grandpa is a wise man, who believes in turning to the land in order to find peace and love in your own heart. He believes in discovering parts of the world that make you feel whole, parts that are untouched and not tarnished by man kind. He told us on one of the hikes we took with him while we were there "I don't need to get high to be high, this is my high, nature is my high you don't need drugs for that" I never realized how much I am truly inspired by him until that trip. How much I really enjoy and admire his lifestyle, it is so simple and not surrounded by material things. I told my step mom how much I want my house to be like his when I grow up, how I want only books and no TV. I want to live my grandpas life because he seems so much at peace, he understands the world in ways I cannot describe. I feel like if we were all like him we could bring so much to the world and to each other. He doesn't need a TV because all it is filled with is garbage about shooting each other and winning elections. It doesn't influence you to do good, it doesn't influence you to change. Instead of watching TV my grandpa explores the land he lives on, he takes his neighbor who is suffering from cancer to her weekly dialysis appointments, he cooks dinner with his other neighbor down the street. That is something I want to do, someone I want to be like.I have decided that this is the perfect time for me to start my lifestyle over, I am moving therefore its time to redecorate. When I tell people I will no longer have a TV they look at me like I am crazy and say "What?! Why?!" and I say for peace of my own mind. I do not learn anything from movies or TV shows its just something to preoccupy my mind for a moment,a way to put my life on pause. I am ready for board games, reading books and exploring what my neighborhood has to offer me. You only have one life to live, why should you waste it in front of a screen learning about all the bad in the world? Why would you waste it sitting when you could be inspiring? Thank you to my grandpa for being such a great humble human being and for teaching me that life is short and you should explore and learn while you can.

New Adventures

Here we go...

again, I am moving again.

I have rather become quite a pro at it, packing things in boxes and loosing my sanity along with shoes and the underwear I swear I didn't pack on purpose. I move a lot, I have since I was eighteen but luckily for me its short distances. I say if its more than an hour away from my parents its to far. I am a daddy's girl therefore I cant move far away. In fact this move is the closest I have been without actually living with him, its down the street a little ways and around the block. I am excited for a new adventure and this time its without roommates again. It will be just me and my loneliness in a little duplex. That is why I am taking the next biggest step in my life, I am getting a puppy! His name is Jacksen, he is an eight month old Chihuahua and Pomeranian mix and he stole my heart the moment I saw him on a pet finder website. I went to meet him last week, we went on a walk and he licked my face until I couldn't help but smile. He has had a sad life so far, his previous family were moving and decided they didn't want to take him with them. They left him outside to fend for himself until their neighbors found him and took him to the rescue. He arrived at the rescue suffering from worms and phenomena.  He has been with the rescue for about three months now, no one has wanted to adopt him because he is attached to his adoption mom. Every time he sees her he jumps into her arms instead of yours and people think that means he doesn't like them,when in fact it just means she is his security blanket. I want to be his new security blanket, he is so loving and such a sweetheart! Jackson and I are going to conquer moving together, I think he is an angel sent to me. I cannot take him home until I move (So After April 1st) and he has since been to another adoption fair, still no one has adopted him. I like to think he is waiting for me. I think he could be a great adventure for me at this time in my life. I have gone through a lot, getting used to being single, being alone and also being diagnosed with anxiety. From what I can tell, it seems like Jacksen suffers from anxiety too which makes us quite the pair. I cannot wait to start this new adventure in my new home with my new best friend! New adventures set my soul on fire. I have been so excited all week about taking Jacksen home. I even went to pet smart and bought him toys so we can discover which kinds he likes. I am nervous that I will not be a good mom to him but I think that will all go away when I get him home. I am excited to see how much Jacksen helps me grow as a person and I am excited to decorate my own apartment again. Do not be afraid to take on new adventures, to do things that are not in your comfort zone, to do things that will make you happy.

My New home <3

2 am Heartbreaks

My heart is racing 

I can feel it deep down in my core, yearning to say yes. Yearning to except heartbreak into my life. The hardest thing that you will ever have to do is to say no to heartbreak. You see, heartbreak doesn't represent itself like it is. It doesn't show up knocking on your door filled with tears and sorrow. It doesn't show up at 2 am and end up with you on the bathroom floor sobbing telling you to eat a gallon of Ben and Jerry ice cream. Nope, heartbreak is smarter than that. Heartbreak shows up at your door in the form of a brown haired, blue eyed boy saying sorry and to forgive him, that he is different. It shows up all dressed up and ready to have the potential to be whatever your heart desires. Heartbreak is evil that way. It wears a mask and hides the pain, the tears. It shows up as a friend request on Facebook or a "like" on a photo you posted sending a shock to your system without you even knowing how it happened. Heartbreak will always be everything you ever wanted tied up in a bow and delivered to you with promises that its something different. The hardest part is convincing yourself that its not, nor will it ever be anything different. Its package is different, filled with different promises, different hopes but underneath it is dying to tear you apart, to watch you in your 2 am moments as you cry, staring at the tiles on your bathroom floor that are now a blur. Heartbreak sends you in circles and eventually leads you right back where you started, shattered and empty. Heartbreak is your own personal demon, you know how it will end but its package is so perfectly wrapped, so full of hope and arms that could keep you safe, at least for the moment. So you give in, you embrace your heartbreak and you wrap it in your arms until it decides to swallow you whole, until it uses you up and spits you out. Then 2 am comes a lot sooner than you thought and your left there, surrounded by your own heartbreak, the heartbreak that was once not so heartbreaking. Your engulfed in it and you feel it in every inch of your body, in the heaving sobs that wont stop, the feeling that your own heart is being tugged right from under your rib-cage. Heartbreak is tricky like that, it knows you. It has seen you around many times before. Heartbreak is smart and it knows how to come in the form of love, in the form of something you'd always hoped it would be.  Heartbreak comes dressed up as everything you have ever wanted, it comes as a fairy tale, most of all it comes in a camouflage of love. Heartbreak is your own personal, up close demon, heartbreak is love in its purest form.

Medicated Monsters

Monsters

are real. I know this because they jumped down my throat and tried to take over. The doctor said it would be trial and error before I find out what medications work best for my anxiety. She put me on some strange medicine with a name I cant pronounce and said we would try that first. The medication takes four weeks to seep down into your body and take away the anxiety, or help it at least. I have been taking it once a day, every morning for awhile now, I stop counting the days. The first side effect I got was yawning. Strange I know. I yawned constantly, Every. Single. Day. I thought to myself, okay if this is the only side effect I get then I can deal with that, no big deal. Then the dozing off came later, falling asleep at work, being half out of it, not being able to stay awake and do my homework or daily tasks. I thought maybe it was just all the stress and not being able to sleep until yesterday I drank two Monster energy drinks and still managed to nod off during class. I have felt out of it, not myself, and constantly tired.
Then last night happened.
I got home from class and my roommates were having a little get together, playing twister and drinking, usual young adult things. They didn't really acknowledge me when I walked in the door, so I went to my room. I felt sad, upset, like I was being shoved out of their friend group, (that wasn't like me, usually I wouldn't care) then one of my roommates came and asked if I wanted to play, I said no. Something in my head told me I just wanted to sit there and be sad. It was around 10:30 and I decided I would shower. I don't know if it was a mix of my medicine and the hot water but the moment I got in the shower I had bad thoughts.
Really Really Really bad thoughts.
A monster climbed in my brain and was fighting my good thoughts with bad thoughts. I guess that's the risk you take. Medicine can be your worst enemy and you never even expect it, its supposed to help you right? There are pill addicts, people who overdose, and then there's me, someone who gets an increased appetite for suicide. I was fighting a demon, in the shower and know one even knew. It was my medicine in my system, all the sharp objects around me, and me. For those of you who know me, you know that is not who I am. I would never in my life think of doing something as selfish as killing myself but at that moment a dark voice was telling me "do it, do it, you will feel better, at least cause a little pain, it will help."
I saw my razor and the monster in my head was telling me to use it as a weapon, while my sanity chose to throw it out of the shower. I was in a war zone, and I was scared. Never have I had to have a battle with my own self. I took the fastest shower ever, I don't even remember if I brushed my hair, everything was becoming a weapon and I just wanted to close my eyes. I climbed into bed and luckily I woke up this morning, I beat my monsters, the demons were gone.

I woke up today and didn't take my pill. The doctor said trial and error, and she was right. A huge error. I will call her today, explain what the monsters have done and then she will prescribe me  a different monster. I am scared, but I want help. How many pills can you try? How many will cause me to lose myself? All I want is to be normal, but none of us are normal. All of us have issues, some are just worse than others. I will fight every demon until I feel okay. For the first time in my life I can say I contemplated suicide, or something in my head did, but I survived. Please do not let your monsters eat you alive. Whatever your monster may be. Weather it be addiction, drugs, suicide, sadness, loss, pills, depression, or even anxiety. Fight. Your life, like mine isn't worth losing I promise. Fight like the warrior you are, everything will be okay in the morning.

Packing Up My Heart

I never

realized how much living or being with someone else can make you lose the part of yourself you enjoy most. I think that is what scares me most about relationships, losing myself when I have just come to discovering who I am.(I am sure you have heard that before) I want my house to be colorful, fun, with lights everywhere and he wants black leather couches, black furniture, and no dog (he's allergic). I cant do it. I cant sacrifice the part of me that will always be wild, the part of me that feels for adventures and an apartment that screams so.  I want the lighting to be everything, and my home to be welcoming and fun, I guess that's the gypsy/boho part in me. I like pretending though, that I could be normal, that I could live with someone and choose black furniture, live without streams of lights and candles everywhere and without a dog. That I could be that perfect roommate or girlfriend. I secretly cant. I scream inside to look at fun designed furniture that no one would ever buy. I scream to run away from the black cabinets, and huge TVs, that's just not who I am. I have known this guy for a long time, this person that wants to become roommates, work on things and see where they go, but I am running (like always). I have always wanted that, someone who wants to live with me, someone who isn't afraid of commitment, but maybe that's because deep down I am afraid of commitment, of giving up my rights to decorate my space however I want.  Relationships are about sacrifices and I get that, but how much of myself am I willing to sacrifice? Could I live with black everything? I am not so sure. That is the hard thing about growing up I think, wanting to expand your life and your family but also wanting your freedom and yourself. I am not in a hurry, but I get tired of being alone just like everyone else does. I don't want to hurt him, but I also don't feel like I am ready. Is that a bad thing? I am ready for my own apartment with bright colors, a small dog and fun lively visitors. I am okay with living alone, with making my own space my own I can do that, its adding in someone else who has their own taste that is difficult. Maybe I am not ready to be as grown up as I thought... do you ever feel like that? Here are all my friends, getting married, having children (even my best friend) and then there's me, with my own soul, fighting to travel the world and to be an independent woman. Society says I should be getting married, working on having my first child and that is a hard thing to fight against, but I have always been a fighter. I am not and don't know if I ever will be ready for black furniture and big TV's. I hardly watch TV and black is to dark for my soul in my living space. Sometimes things just don't work out no matter how much you want them too. No matter how hard you try to mold yourself and to be a certain person. My soul is to much on fire for me to ignore it. I will forever be a lone, fighting, heart pumping, Bohemian, gypsy. I will forever fight against black furniture, TV trays, and giant TV's. Here's to running with your soul, to living wild and understanding that its okay to not have someone as wild to run with you. I am sorry I couldn't be what you wanted, but I cant sacrifice who I am.