Who am I?

Sometimes 

I read through my own blog. That is right I read my stories over and over. I don't know if its to get a sense of what is happening in my life because most of the time I am not entirely sure, or if it is just to remember what I wrote. Some days after reading them I think to myself what is this? What am I becoming? Did I really write that? Then I think about deleting it, all of it. Not because I hate my blog, its nothing like that. Its because sometimes I do not know who that girl writing is. She is often sad and confused, often full of overwhelming things. Its raw. Its raw to read things about yourself that you are so open about on paper yet shut off inside when it comes to real life. Its often hard to read what I write. Its hard to believe I once felt that way. Its also hard to believe the strong moments. The posts that are built up and towering with strength. Those ones are hard too because sometimes I do not remember feeling that strong. Then I remember that I am that strong and I sometimes, yes sometimes break down. I always wanted my blog to be positive. I wanted there to be a take away, a happy ending, something someone could learn from me and my writing. Sometimes I notice my blog doesn't have that, and that depresses me, that is what makes me want to hit the delete button. How can I write a  blog that isn't meant for inspiring for uplifting? Lately I have been a negative Nancy, nothing too inspiring about that at all. So I asked myself, what kind of person do I want to be? What kind of person do I want to be for myself? For others? For the people I love? Who do I want to be? The answer is just Meaghan. I want to be uplifting, inspiring, independent, loving.  I want people to want to be around me, I don't want to be smothering, I don't want to be hateful and sad. That is just not who I am, therefore I do not know who the girl writing my blog posts lately have been and I want to apologize to my readers for that. I haven't been myself lately. In fact, I don't know if I have ever been as much as myself as I am now. I feel stronger, more independent and that is a wonderful feeling. Being positive feels wonderful! Getting over the humps is what it takes, and it feels so good to get there. It feels refreshing to be able to leave my phone in my car when I am shopping or doing fun things, the text messages can wait, everything on my phone can wait.  I do not need to be attached to anyone. It feels good to let go, to live and do things I want to do. I want to be more supportive and understanding, I often let my emotions cloud my vision and I get angry or sad over stupid little things. Id like to change that. I am all about self improvement and I believe I have finally found myself to be able to improve who I am. I am finally comfortable in my own skin, no more being insecure or sad. I know who I want to be, I know the person I am striving to become and she is not the person who has been writing this blog. Do you know who you want to be and what you are willing to do to become that person? Stay positive and radiant and remember, you got this.

What are Imperfections worth?

I looked at you

and I saw the exact person I wanted. You were flawed, messy, hard to deal with and I soaked you in like a plant soaking up the sun in a window pane. You were the light of my heart. Someone that filled me to the brim with happiness. It amazed me how you could do that, fill me so full just by sitting there, staring at me. You had a strange gravitational pull that sucked me in and swallowed me without me even giving up a fight. You were your own kind of dysfunctional beauty, you were not perfect, not by a long shot and that is what captivated me the most. How can you love perfect? How can you love something that isn't flawed, that doesn't have a scar or two? You need someone scuffed up, rough around the edges like you are. I loved you for your imperfections, for our two a.m fights and our three a.m make up sessions. You would kiss me like your life depended on it during those make up sessions, you'd hold me and we would say sorry to each other. It would all be okay for one more night. You were not perfect, neither was I, and neither was our love but that is what captivated me, what dragged me by my hair and stuck me right in the middle of all of it. There is something about an imperfect love that you cannot resist. It might be for the fact that love isn't supposed to be perfect, it is messy and flawed and sometimes it hurts like hell, but the beauty of it is how you can push through those things, how you love someone so much that all the fights, all the pain becomes worth it because simply put, that person is worth it. You were a free spirit, wild crazy, and untamable and who was I to tame you? You ran free, blessing everything you touched with a soft soft love that could take over the world. This is how you took over my soul, piece by piece, smile by smile. You took all of me, every once of me that I had left in my soul and swallowed it, you engulfed me in a love so passionate so strong that I thought nothing could tear us apart, we were one. You were something else, unlike any human I have ever met, it was so easy to love you, so easy to take full stock of you and say this is him, this is the man I have been waiting for. You took my heart, squished it in a backpack and rode of into the sunset with it. I was madly in love with someone who was not perfect, someone who knew how to fight with me, who knew how to be stubborn and angry. Who knew how to push my buttons, but I learned that pushing those buttons was a test, a test of my strength of my will to fight for you and never give up, because I was a fighter, a full blown, hell raising fighter. Your love could move mountains, and it made me realize that I could move mountains for it. I could pay you back, I could fill your lungs with so much love that you could gasp at the thought of it. I could be your flawed, imperfect person and you could accept me, because I accepted you, all of you. You could breathe me in like some kind of drug and get drunk off of the smell of my perfume. I could be everything you wanted. I could drown you in a sea of kisses, like you drowned me. Love is tough, loving you was even tougher, but I did it over and over because you deserved it. You deserved that kind of love, the kind you fight for. Regardless of your imperfections, regardless of mine. We deserved each other, we deserved a kind of love that could move mountains, that could shake the earth. That kind of love doesn't give up, that kind of love is forever binding. That is the kind of love I crave, your love, your imperfect, shaken love, that is what I want, but this isn't a fairy tale,I am not a princess, and you are definitely not my prince.

Stuckness, is that a word?

I cannot

believe how many rough drafts I have saved on here lately. I write about a half a page and think about posting it and then I don't. Its just all jumbled. Every once of words I type lately have been utterly empty. I guess you write how you feel. Empty empty empty. If you repeat it enough times that word becomes funny, but I guess if you repeat anything enough times it becomes funny. I feel dangerous lately, like I'm stuck in a cocoon I would do anything to get out of. I have resulted to sleeping with the window open and listening to slow music in the morning to try and help my stuckness. Is that even a word? My spell check says its not, but I will leave it there, stuckness, feels a lot like saying empty. Empty and Stuckness have become my constants. I don't find that as much of a problem as you think. Sometimes you have to be empty, because if your empty the days mesh together and you forget when its Friday or your birthday. Your just living, breathing, doing. Conquering. I am conquering off of my empty stuckness. If you are a grammar control freak I bet stuckness is a hard word for you to read, not for me because I made it up and I like the way it sounds. It describes me. A word that doesn't exist but is made up of letters and words that do. Stuckness, yeah I like that. I forgot what it felt like to laugh at words and to breathe other people in. Empty empty empty. I think I am empty? Am I really though, I am not so sure. I think I remember how to feel, I think I remember that I laugh sometimes and I enjoy it. I guess I am not empty. Just having a loss of words. Stuckness. That's still a word I can be. Stuck without words, stuck stuck stuck. How am I supposed to write when I have so much going on in my head? How am I supposed to decide. I'm working on my stuckness. The windows are open and I am trying to feel free. You cant write when you feel stuckness because your words are empty, hollow, empty empty. I will not claim to have writers block because that is something else, that is something that is not stuckness. I am almost half way through the page and I have talked about nothing, empty. I thought about erasing this, no need for one more rough draft. I think I'll post it anyways because I like the word stuckness and the fact that for once I can make up a word to laugh at. Sometimes you have to do that, invent your own feelings. Stuckness Stuckness. Its actually better than saying empty, but I am coming to the conlclusion that maybe in my head they mean the same thing? Whatever I am, what ever I feel that is it. I am exactly that, but for now I am a blank white page, I am a word I made up, the feeling of stuckness, a rambling blog post. I am this and I am nothing at all and everything at once. I am Meaghan. When I figure out what else I am I will be sure to tell you, until then stuckness stuckness stuckness. 

Good Morning Sunshine

I awoke

with a bright luminous light shining through my window, with my hair a mess and drool on my pillow case from my deep slumber. I stretched, smiled and stood up. I awake everyday like this, the moon still shining through my curtains and my hair always out of place, strung across my face from the dreams I had. There are days I am significantly grateful to be alive and there are days that in some way or another I am not so grateful but I get up, stretch and smile anyways. There are things you sometimes simply have to do, and getting up out of bed is one of them as hard as it sometimes might feel. You legs sometimes feel tied down by bricks and your body aches from yesterdays activities but you can either moan and groan about it or you can stretch, smile, and stand up. Living is for the living, waking up is for the living and if you don't embrace it what else do you have to embrace? Your morning is the start to everything. The start of how the rest of your day will be.The beautiful thing about mornings is that you get to decide how they go. I have the same routine every morning, wash my face, do my hair, do my makeup, get dressed, make lunch, eat, and listen to amazing music on my drive to work. I try my hardest to wake up positive, to think positive. If you wake up with the mindset that nothing is going to go right today you are 100% right. A lot of people claim to "not be morning people" and it always shocks me. How can you not be a morning person?! Everything is so much more beautiful when you first wake up, its like you are rising with the sun. The world is calm and quiet, all you can hear is the rustle of the world starting its morning. Everything's crisp and waking up, coming alive. I find happiness in walking out to my car and seeing the moon, beaming in all its glory, yet the sun is rising too, peaking over the mountains. The sun and the moon are having a meeting, saying good night and good morning all at once and its all just simply beautiful. How could you not love that? How could you not love the smell of your eggs cooking, or your coffee brewing, or just simply knowing you have survived one more day? Mornings are beautiful and captivating but a lot of people miss all that. They miss the beauty in waking up one more time. The beauty of the world and what waking up means. Waking up to me means strength, it means living, and why would you not love that? Embrace your mornings, because its another chance to start all over again. There is nothing wrong with mornings unless you convince yourself that there is. Stretch your hands towards your ceiling, dance, yawn, smile do whatever it takes to make your morning wonderful. You can fall asleep upset, or crying but if you wake up with happiness you will understand the beauty that a morning holds, the beauty that you survived through all that. The definition of morning is the period of time between midnight and noon, especially from sunrise to noon. That definition in itself is beautiful, think about it. Midnight is 12:00am and noon is 12:00pm that is a wonderful statement because it is the same time but a different time all at once, its like even time is being reborn. You must look at mornings different than you have been taught in order to enjoy them. Morning to me is coming alive and there is nothing better than that. I rise and welcome the sunshine. Become a morning person and you will become a happy person. Wake up and embrace your life because you never know when your last morning will be your last. Wake up happy because you aren't the only one waking up, you are not alone. The world is one with you.

Am I Worthy Enough?

A couple days ago

I hit my breaking point. I called a friend and vented to him telling him I didn't know what to do, that my life was so complicated and I just let everything out. Specifically about my love life, because I felt like I couldn't tell anyone else. People say that if you are in love, you will know it. You wont have any doubt in your mind. I have found that to be false. Love is sometimes more complicated than that, it gets sticky, and you don't know what others are truly feeling unless they show you, and sometimes they don't seem to know how to do that. The thing you have to remember though, is that you can't force them to show you. They can say I love you a million times but if you feel mixed signals between what they are saying and what they are actually doing then you have to step back and really look at what is happening. Do they need you, or do they need someone? There is a difference. My head and my heart have been in battle about someone that I care deeply about for a very long time. Its exhausting. I have tried everything, text messages, letters, deep conversations,not talking to him, talking to him, everything to get him to show me how he really feels to get a reaction out of him (not just tell me,but show me.) If I remember correctly, I told my friend on the phone that I felt like a puppy begging for this guys attention. I feel needy, like I am begging to be loved, and not just by anyone but by this one certain guy. Its exhausting and so time consuming and in the midst of it all, this guy should be the one begging me for my love, but that is the problem. I love and I love deeply, strongly and I don't stop showing that no matter how bad I have been hurt by someone, I have no boundaries because I put to much faith in people. I frustrate myself with how much I beg him because my brain tells me I shouldn't but deep down I think that I know that if I didn't beg, he wouldn't try to chase me and we would drift apart and I would have to fight like hell to get over him. So the question always is, do you fight like hell to get over someone, or do you fight like hell to convince them your worth loving? That's the thing though, aren't you enough without all the convincing? Aren't you worth loving regardless? You should be, and if you don't feel like you are maybe you should look at yourself again, more clearly. You are enough, and some people just cant seem to see that, but why is it your job to convince them that they should see it? Its not your job, it simply isn't. My friend I called was upset with me, he said you are smarter than that and you are stronger than that. You are an independent woman who shouldn't beg for any mans attention, if he cant give it to you willingly than that is his loss because why wouldn't he want to? There is no excuse, you are gorgeous, smart, funny and you know what you are doing. You are not dumb, you are smart. You have so much worth and I think you have known it all along. You just have refused to confront it, You have been dumbing down your worth because you are afraid. You are the strongest person I know and you have been living your life by yourself for awhile now, you support yourself, you know what you like and what you want and you know how to go out there and get it, you do not need someone who doesn't need you.  You are laying down and dying for someone who doesn't seem to give a shit, as long as your convenient, he will be there to "want" you. You have to decide if you are ready to die or if you are going to stand up and live. He told me that whatever I decided he would support me but that I am the only one who could load that shot gun and shoot it. I wanted to thank him for making me realize my worth, because for awhile now I haven't. I woke up this morning seeing myself in a whole new light. Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget the power you have. You don't give yourself the credit you deserve. People love you, tons of people and a lot of them don't need convincing to do so, so the question is, is it worth it? I have chose to walk away, because what is there left to fight for if I am the only one fighting? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.Life is complicated, and there are things you want to fight and fight for but then you realize your armor is falling off and your facing reality. There will be times when you want something so bad, but then after awhile you realize you cant want it anymore, there's only so much you can take. You can accomplish anything, even the biggest decisions, like to keep fighting for a love you are not sure still exists or to give up and find a new love.This is your life, you have the strength to make those decisions do not forget your worth and what you are worthy of accomplishing. I am worthy of more, the question is, are you?