Living Without You

The hardest

part of losing someone isn't losing them, the hardest part is learning to live without them. You lose them more than once. You loose them every time you see a movie you watched together or their favorite song comes on your Pandora station and you cant decide if you should change it or listen to it. Its a sinking feeling that never goes away and just when you think it could be disappearing, you find their shirt in your laundry and you want to tell them you have it, but you cant because their gone and that losing feeling, the fact that your living without them hits you all over again. Losing someone is a constant, aching job. Its not a one day thing, its every day over and over again. You lose them when you wake up and roll over and they aren't on their side of the bed next to you,holding you; so you decide to sleep in the middle for fear of waking up again and realizing your alone. You loose them when you are waiting for a good morning text or goodnight phone call that never comes. Its a vicious cycle, of losing losing losing. In every moment that you wish you could tell them about, in wanting to tell them about your day but they are gone, being lost. Losing someone is a full time commitment of never texting, never calling. Of aching so deep inside that you feel like you are sinking into the middle of  the earth, through a puddle. Loss never ends, learning to live without someone never ends. Your not okay for a very very long time, in fact you don't know if you will ever be okay, because you didn't think you could live without that person, without hearing their laugh, without their presence. You realize you are, your living without them and its the hardest damn thing that you have ever done and your not good at it. You aren't good at loss, at waking up alone, at song lyrics that remind you of them. It all just sucks and you just want to cry or scream because your not good at any of it. You loose them when you think about kissing them and running your fingers through their hair, or when you just want someone to hug all your broken pieces back together. You lose them in pictures and sayings, in quotes you read that remind you of every inch of their soul. In t-shirts they bought you for your birthday that you can no longer wear anymore because you see them in it when you look in the mirror. You lose them in their favorite restaurants and words that come out of your mouth that they used to say. You wake up every day knowing that its another day you can lose them all over again and you realize its not losing that's hard its living without them, its having a constant memory that never goes away. Losing someone is hard but living without them is harder.

Del Taco Kisses

Yesterday

I drove to Del Taco on my lunch break. I had been craving chicken tacos and a strawberry lemonade for two days straight. I walked in, ordered my tacos and waited. As I was waiting, I saw these two women, both pretty people, with long hair, dressed in jeans and pink t-shirts. It was just the two women and me standing, waiting for our tacos. All of the sudden the two women started hugging each other and kissing, they looked at each other like they didn't need anything or anyone else, just each other. They were laughing and enjoying being next to one another. These two women were in love.  I couldn't help but stare at them! I was watching them not on purpose, when one of them gave me a dirty look,realizing that I was staring. I bet she is sick of people staring. I want the two women who were madly in love at Del Taco to know that I was not staring because I thought your kissing was gross, I was not staring because I think being gay, lesbian or whatever you want to call it is a sin. I was staring because I was amazed, and happy. I was amazed that love can be so strong, that it can overcome any tough obstacle that is thrown at it. Lets be honest, I was not the only person in Del Taco staring at these two women. Everyone was staring, the workers, the people sitting down eating. I wish I was brave. Brave like the two women in love at Del Taco. They knew what would happen when they kissed, they knew that people would judge them because by the look on that woman's face it had happened before. People could be upset by the scene of these two women kissing but they did it anyways because they loved each other. They kissed and held hands because they loved each other, they kissed because they feel like they have the right to love each other and  they do. I bet Del Taco isn't the first or only place these women have been stared at. I'm sure its a constant occurring thing for them but they kiss anyways. I was happy that they did and they were not shy about it. Love comes in all shapes, forms, and sizes and who is anyone to judge or say that is wrong? If someone told me that I couldn't love someone, I would love them anyways. You cant stop a feeling, you cant tell someone to not feel a certain way and expect them to do it. You love who you love regardless of what anyone thinks. I am a proud supporter of Gay, Lesbian rights, because who am I to fight against love? Why would I want to? I am allowed to kiss a guy in public without getting stared at or without someone being appalled. What is the difference with a woman kissing a woman or a man kissing a man? Its all love isn't it? Who you love isn't my business. I support you if you are happy, because everyone deserves to be with whoever makes them happy and if that happens to be another man or another woman I support you all the way. When will the world stop judging? When will we decide enough is enough? People don't want to be judged because of their religion but they want to judge others for who they decide to be with? When will love just be love regardless of who's kissing? To everyone who is Gay and/or lesbian and are not afraid to show the world, I am so proud of you for standing up for love. I am so proud of you for being who you are and excepting it, regardless of if the world excepts it too. I will stand up and support you, because love deserves to be supported no matter your gender, age, shape, or looks. Thank you to the women at Del Taco for showing me that love still exists, and love is strong enough to conquer the world even if the world doesn't except it. Keep kissing the ones you love because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

Waking Up Somewhere Else

Its funny

when you wake up and your somewhere else. I don't mean somewhere else psychically, I mean mentally, in your brain. You wake up and you realize you are somewhere different, somewhere you aren't sure of. You roll over, sit up straight and you are in an ah ha moment where you just ask yourself, "what am I doing?" For awhile now I haven't known what I am doing. I haven't known what I want, and I have filled myself with ideas. Ideas that I need to be alone, but I don't know if it was because I really needed to be alone, or because I didn't think I deserved not to be alone. There is one person on this planet I promised myself I would never be like, and I hate to admit it but I am like her more than I want to be. I am a lot like my mother, I run when things get tough, scary,or unsure, and I hide behind excuses. Back to what I was saying though, I woke up somewhere else. I woke up in a place that was clear, where I could finally see. There was no confusion to what I am supposed to be doing. I am supposed to be surrounded by people who love me, people who would do anything for me, people who deserve me and one of those people consist of you. I was blinded though, blinded by my past, by following my mothers footsteps emotionally even though I have been trying so hard not to. All my mother ever wanted was for a man to love her. I mean truly love her. She looked for this love in shallow places and misunderstood actual love for greed and lies. I cant remember how many boyfriends she had, there were to many to count. From the time I was twelve on, I just started calling them all by their psychical features you know, shorty, tall, baldy, the one with the tattoo, they no longer had names to me. I couldn't name them because they didn't last very long. They would cheat on her, leave her for someone else, or "it just didn't work out". It was a mean cycle of listening to her cry, them breaking up and getting back together only to break up again, and driving with her past their house for proof or revenge, depending on her mood. She thought she was in love with every single one of those men.She thought that she could convince them to love her back. That's one quality my mom had that wasn't flawed, she loved, she loved a lot, without expecting, even after getting broken over and over again she treated every new lover like the first lover she had ever had. My mom was searching for something, something she couldn't find in her kids, or her family, and something she thought she could find in every low life man that she introduced me to. I hated seeing her get hurt, I told myself that I never wanted to fall in love if that was all that love was. This was the only form of love from a women's point of view that I was taught, I was taught by my mother that love isn't real. I remember one night with one of her boyfriends, I was woken up in the middle of the night by them fighting, screaming at each other. I ran out of my room to tell them to shut up because my little brother was sleeping (and I thought I was the woman of the house) I ran out just in time to see a picture frame that was hanging in our stair well get thrown at my mom  by this man who "loved" her. I remember telling the so called boyfriend at the time to get out and to never come back. He left but came back the next morning and him and my mom were fine, like nothing had even happened the night before. I was angry at her for excepting this form of "love" I thought to myself how that wasn't love, how could you throw something and scream a horrible word to call a lady at someone you loved? He didn't love her, and I knew it, he left and never came back about a week later. That was one of her "it didn't work out" scenarios. The worst part about all of this was that my mom didn't blame herself for all these mistaken loves, she blamed every man she ever dated. It was their fault it didn't work out, it wasn't hers for choosing the wrong type of man, it wasn't her fault that she fell in love with people who didn't know how to love her back. I learned that every man is likely to leave me or hurt me. The saddest part is, I am being just like my mom. I blame every problem I have ever had on the few years that she had to raise me. I blame the fact that I don't know how to love, that I am scared to love on the experiences that she gave me. I blame the fact that I am mad, hurt, depressed, and have anxiety on my mom. Until this morning when I woke up, sat up and realized that this is my life not my moms. I don't have to choose crappy men. I don't have to wonder who loves me and who doesn't, if you watch carefully its clear to see. I don't have to be angry at her because she choose a crappy path for her own life and it just happened to effect me. I am sick of playing the blame game. I am sick of being like her and making up excuses for the crappy situations that I get myself in. I have been through a lot but that gives me no excuse to make up excuses or hurt people. It gives me no excuse to be afraid, or choose something because its familiar even though I know its not right, even if I know its not the ideal situation for me to be in. I know there is real loving men out there, I know that there is also crappy ones who pretend to care and I know that sometimes I can be a pretty crappy person too. I know that I have hurt people and its time to start explaining myself, its time to fix my life. Do not blame others for your not so ideal situations, remember you chose to be in that situation. I might have not chosen how my mom chose to raise me, to teach me, to not teach me ,but I do get to decide how I take that information and learn from it, how I choose to let it effect my life. Growing up wasn't ideal. I did not have the best time growing up, and I went through a lot, but that is no excuse. I woke up somewhere else, somewhere where my problems are fixable, my mind is clearer and I am ready to move on, and correct my life,I am starting with you. You know who you are.For once I love someone who is worth loving, who thinks I am worth loving, who understands me, who is worth more than I have been showing lately.I have missed you every second, I want you to know that if your reading this. Its time to woman up. If you are not happy with your life fix it. If you are making excuses for your own choices, or blaming others stop. You can be happy, but first you have to smooth out all the bumps and bruises, and it might be hard but remember its right and you will be happy because of it.

Hurricanes Aren't Meant for Failure, They Are Set Up to Conquer.

I refuse to

let you climb into the walls of my heart and eat it alive like an infestation of termites again. I refuse to let you effect the water that streams down my cheeks after finding out what you have been up to. You do not deserve my salty, water filled eyes. You deserve a desert, a desert that will forever effect my face after hearing the news. You lied. You lied to me when you said you would get better, that you would be a better person for me, for us. You made the mistake of not remembering that I know you, I lived inside of you, and climbed out stronger than you could ever be. I was raised and born in a fire that you started, and I have survived every hell and heated moment since then. I will not be torn down by your selfish decisions, I will rise. I will take your lessons with a grain of salt and I will stand on an empire that I alone will build. With my two strong, callused hands I will be better than you ever were, than you ever could be. This is not a competition, this is a battle to fight my way out of my fate, my fate that says that I will end up like you, my fate that says I will look like a ghost, that I will wander the halls of my life not knowing where to turn, that I will abandon everything I was ever taught by people who were not you. I will not give in. I wasn't meant to be a ghost, I was meant to be a storm, a strong two handed, hell raising storm. I will fight with every being I have to make sure that I will not become you. I will become greater, smarter, stronger. My life is not yours, and your life is not mine. You are not a role model, you are a weakened soul that has no power, you gave in, you did not win against the fight of your life and for that I am torn. Saddened and split at my very seams, my heart is hurting, for you were not strong enough. You are not like me and I wish so much that you were. You built me, and showed me the way that I should not travel, but you failed to follow my path, you failed to understand that the way you are living isn't a life at all. You are contained behind a wall for what you did and you will forever be in and out of that wall until you give up, until you decide enough is enough, and by then it might be to late. You are not my role model, you are not someone I can look up to, you have chosen to live in darkness, to lie, to be deceitful, to do whatever it takes to live the low life you have become accustomed to. Look around you, look at who you have hurt, look at who you have become. I have no idea who you are anymore and when people ask I will tell them you are what I am fighting to not become. You are the person who has made one too many mistakes. I am not you and I will never be. I am stronger, smarter and that is the only gift you have blessed me with. I will not cry for you anymore, I have become numb, accustomed to your behavior and I will no longer let your faults effect me. I am not you and I will not be dragged and worn out like an old sweater by the decisions you are making. You do not deserve that kind of power over me, you do not deserve to see the strong, bold person I am becoming. Who I am becoming hasn't needed you this whole time. I am a storm, a hurricane and you have mistaken me for a small wind, I am building and I am overcoming you and there is nothing you can do.  Watch me rise and become bigger than you have ever seen, bigger than you ever were. Look at what you built, look at what I have become, are you happy now?

Heavy Hearts and Understanding Human Talk

"The Biggest

communication problem is that we do not listen to understand. We listen with the intent to reply." This quote is something that I have been analyzing and trying to fix within myself for a very long time. When we are fixed with rage, anger, hurt or sadness we do not care about anything besides defending ourselves. It is a selfish act that usually causes more hurt, resentment and arguing. I think that we as humans, can be really selfish sometimes. We do not try to understand where other people are coming from, we live in an "its all about us" mindset. When you break that mindset and start realizing how important it is to try and understand where others are coming from you will see a change within your life. Most people do not do things with the intent to hurt others, they usually have something personally going wrong within their own lives which causes them to act out. Not taking the time to really listen and understand where they are coming from makes them feel the need to protect themselves therefore this leads to arguing and raised voices. What people do not understand is that you do not have to reply to a conversation immediately, tell the person you are thinking and analyzing what they just said, you also do not have to yell back if someone is already yelling at you. Take your time. Think about what you want to say and what the right thing to say is before just blurting something out out of anger or hurt. Analyze what others are saying. If someone you care about is screaming at you that they hate you, what are they really trying to say? Chances are they are trying to say "you hurt me, I am angry, and I do not know what to do about it" Refrain yourself from yelling back that you hate them too. That only escalates the problem and means that you were not really gathering all the information that the other person was trying to give you. Humans are flawed in the sense that we suck at communicating. We do not know how to say what we really feel, out of fear, hurt, or anger. Be the person to break that cycle. Remember to listen to understand not to reply. I guarantee that you will also feel better and less worked up because you are no longer fighting, you are working on resolving, and trying to figure out how other people feel and what you did or didn't do to make them feel that way.It could even make you a better communicator, changing the "I hate yous" into what you really mean to say. Half of the problems people have have nothing to do with you, your mind just takes everything personally so you convince yourself that their problems are caused by you. What others do not want to admit is that they are most likely the cause of most of their own issues, so they tend to blame the people they care about. Do not take it to heart, like I said, analyze and respond in a way that will solve problems not escalate them. Yelling at someone has never solved one of my issues I do not know about yours but I am guessing you agree. Listen to understand, not to reply and your view of people and yourself will change. Stay positive, even in arguments or disagreements, things aren't always how you see them to be, neither are people.

This Gift Called My Life

I don't

want to wake up today, or tomorrow and realize that I haven't been living my life the way I want to. I want to jump of cliffs, give big hugs, and laugh a lot. I want to be so full of joy that i forget what sadness feels like. I want to be so hung up on happiness that I no longer care what time it is or how long I have been laughing for. I want to be sunsets, and mixtures of bold colors on canvases. I am not ordinary, therefore I do not want my life to be determined by white walls, empty juice boxes or packages. I want to paint my kitchen the color of the sunset that's going on right now and I want to have a paint fight while I do it. I do not want to be restricted by time, or normal human issues. I want to feel the cool breeze of Autumn blowing around my hair, and see the leaves changing colors of red and yellow. I want ice cream containers and all nighters. I want colorful bedspreads and pillow fights. I want to sleep hard and long in a place I call home and I want to wake up happy, an everyday kind of happy. I want my worries to be small and as insignificant as possible because I am too busy smiling and enjoying the time I have. I want to be surrounded by a family that keeps growing and keeps giving hugs to each other no matter how old they get. I want tickle fights and building forts in my living room while drinking wine and listening to music. My life will not be filled with depressing news letters, and uncooked TV dinners, plans that are made a month in advance because my calendar is so full. My life will be lived, enjoyed, cherished. I do not want to wake up today, or tomorrow and realize that I have been living my life the wrong way, wasted in TV screens, video games, or texting. I want to see you face to face, embrace you and talk about nothing but good times without checking my phone once. I want to be a lifter upper, a healer, and someone who supports everyone around me. I would like to live my life filled with smiles and laughter, with heartfelt jokes and tears of joy. Filled with books that have worn out pages and belong on my bookshelf's that take up a whole room and scale the walls. I want to laugh so hard that whoever/whatever made me will hear me and notice that I have taken this life in, that I have loved their gift. Their gift called my life. Your life is a gift, a gift that if you let it, keeps on giving. Smile, laugh, laugh a lot. This gift is only given once, soak it up and enjoy it. You too will not want to wake up today, or tomorrow and realize that you haven't been living your life the way you want to.