New Found Love

I have found a new

found love. I am sure as a active reader of my blog (that is if you are an active reader) you are used to me saying something along these lines, to you I am always falling in love. Let me be honest when I say I have loved a lot of people. I am a giver of my own heart. I once read a quote somewhere that said I am a believer of love, but I fear that love doesn't quite believe in me. I have loved, loved a lot, a little, fearlessly, strongly, and maybe to much but there is one thing I am certain through all these lost loves of mine, no one has quite been able to love me back. The definition of love is "an intense feeling of deep affection" by rule of this definition I believe that everyone has loved a lot of people in many different ways, shapes, and forms. You can feel deep affection for a lot of people, a deep affection for their smile, their laugh, the way they say your name, or maybe everything about them. I have loved people without questioning their love for me back and this has resulted in a lot of pain, a lot of sorrow on my part but that is the risk I take. I love people because I think everyone needs it. I think everyone deserves it. The only problem is, I thought everyone deserved love but me. I was giving without expecting anything. I have experienced a lot of different kinds of love. People have different ways of showing how they feel about you, but I don't ever think it was the right way, the way I wanted. People have a way of telling you how much they love you and turning around and showing the opposite. That's the thing about love, it can only be shown through actions, you can tell someone you love them all you want but if you show them differently they will never believe you. I was always shown differently. That is where my heart and mind conflict would begin, my mind would keep telling me that someone loved me as long as someone kept saying it, but then my heart would begin to question it as long as that someone would show me differently through their actions. I would become emotionally and mentally torn on if they loved me or if they didn't. I learned that you shouldn't have to question it like that. Then this man came along, in a part of my life where I was positive I didn't want to try the whole love thing again. I had just gotten out of a relationship that was a very very hard one for me emotionally. I wanted to learn to love myself more. I wanted to give myself love for once because I realized how much I didn't give to myself. This man has shown his love for me from day one, he opens my doors, asks me a million times in one day if I am okay. He is always thoughtful and always kind. I am not used to someone loving me because I have always been the lover. I feel bad because recently this has scared me. I am not used to someone caring so much about me and I remember telling a friend that I find it annoying. Last night I laid in bed and thought really really hard about that statement, about saying that. I realized that I am telling myself its annoying because now that someone finally gives me the love I deserve I am afraid. Admittedly I am terrified that I cant love him back, that I have become to accustomed to not being loved enough. I feel bad. I feel terrible for calling someone who loves me so much annoying when really its not annoying its thoughtful and I am just to afraid to get attached again, to be loved. I actually am in love with how much he loves me. I am in love with the fact that for once I have opened up to someone and he has opened up right back. I am both terrified and happy with the fact that for once, once in my life love just might believe in me as much as I believe in it. I want to say that I am happy. I evaluated myself and recognized why I do certain things. You have to understand that sometimes your body and mind do weird things to avoid risks, to avoid the feeling of not being in control. Stop filtering yourself with excuses like annoying, afraid,unable to love, let yourself go. There is nothing wrong with this man I am falling for I am just trying to make there be something wrong out of fear.Fall in love and be okay with someone loving you back. You do not have to be the only one putting in all the effort. In fact you shouldn't be. I have found a new found love, a forever kind of love and I am not going to let things I tell myself distract me from feeling that love. Do not give up anything out of fear. Fear is something you tell yourself  to try and protect your heart. There are some people you do not need to protect yourself from and luckily for me this man is one of them.