Live Selflessly

Look around

do you see that? That love radiating from you skin? Do you feel that? Your heart beating to keep you alive, to keep you breathing? This life is precious. There are miracles happening every day, from that caterpillar sprouting wings, to that tulip growing through six inches of dirt. You are magical. There is beauty coursing through your veins in the form of glitter and blood. That is whats wrong with society, with people. You don't believe in the magic you hold inside you do you? It exists more than you know. You can invent  fairy tales from your mind, you can walk on small bones that make up each of your feet and your toes. You balance without the need of a tail, and you laugh without the need of someone telling you that's what you should do. You can type with fingers and hold things thanks to your thumbs. You are magical. Most of all though, you forget how magical other people are. You forget that others can make you laugh until you cry, you forget the power of two thin arms wrapping around your neck, yet it feels more like the universe squeezing you in half. You forget that others possess that kind of power. You forget that there is beauty in being the fortunate one that gets that phone call when someone else is in need because they called you and no one else. You forget what caring about someone else means. There is power in selflessness. There is power in taking off your shoes for someone else to use that have never owned a pair. There is power in love notes to your secret lover that take two seconds to write but touches their soul like a flame. There is power in carrying an old ladies grocery's to her car because shes to fragile and thin to do it herself, and if it was the other way around she would do it for you. This power is lost sometimes in human selfishness. Its lost in the want for there to be something in it for you. It is lost in mind games and laziness. It is lost in evil holes that we humans invent with our own minds. The worst part is, you forget that the power is something you feel too. The power in all these selfless deeds not only effects someone you have touched but it effects your very own soul. It grabs you and engulfs you in tears, smiles or a warm fuzzy feeling. Many of us forget what that feels like. What this power feels like. We forget that we are all human, we are all the same species living on the same planet. Everyone needs love sometimes, even if its from a complete stranger. We all need that kind of power, yet we all forget it exists. We are to wrapped up in wars against each other, and hurtful text messages, in social media and videos of beating each other up. We humans are magical, from the bones we are made up of, to the ability to understand and make each other feel a certain way. It is sad that we are using this magic to tear down one another, to rip each other apart and say its not our fault. Remember there is magic in your soul that is waiting to do good. Hug someone, make someone laugh, help someone, live selflessly and you will understand that this way of life benefits you more than you could ever know. Stay humble, welcoming, happy, and spread kindness because we all know how much we all need it.

Be Bold.

I'm scared

was the caption on a blog post I tried to type the other night before my laptop somehow deleted it when I was almost finished. I was almost done. I was just about to add a cute little photo with a saying on it and then it was going to be posted for the whole world to see. It said something a long the lines of being scared to move out, to grow up, to become the adult that I am becoming without a choice. I was going to look at a house the day after writing that blog post. Okay let me rephrase that, I did go look at a house the day after writing that blog post that didn't get posted. Its a cute house above my city's college. I was nervous because I would be sharing this cute little house with 3-4 other girls my age. I was scared they wouldn't like me, or maybe I wouldn't like them. I was scared I wouldn't be able to afford it again. I was just scared of everything. Long story short I went and looked at the house anyways. I found out about the house from a girl who works with me, she lives there and loves it. I don't know her really well we just say hi to each other in the mornings since I am the receptionist. I was scared about not knowing her. I went to look at the house and the girl that owns it was going to give me a tour and go over the details but she wasn't able to make it because she had to stay late at work. Brittany, the girl I work with, ended up giving me a tour and told me that I can reschedule with the owner to get more information about the house. We ended up just sitting and talking for an hour after the tour. We talked about random stuff, from movies, to moving, to the lack of friends that we both seem to have. I really enjoyed talking to her and the house was beautiful. I felt at home. I realized how ridiculous I was being the day before. I realized that being scared doesn't mean that growing up cant be fun. You have to try things, give things a chance before you automatically assume what is going to happen. Things aren't always as bad as you make them seem in your head. I have always been scared that I'll grow up and not be responsible anymore, not take responsibility for my actions or choices. I have been afraid that I will end up like a role model that I had that was much less than a role model. As I grow up slowly though I realize that wont ever happen because I'm not this so called role model. I am nothing like her actually. Its not in my morals to become irresponsible. I am not saying shes a bad person either, I'm saying this role model made bad choices that I have been terrified my whole life about making too. I have been scared that since we share the same blood we share the same fate, but the reality is that we don't. We never will. I am glad I didn't post that blog post about how scared I was because I am no longer scared. I am excited, excited to grow and learn things from people who surround me with love. I know that was only two days ago that I was scared, but taking that step and seeing that house made me realize there is nothing to be afraid of. I got this grown up thing on lock, things aren't always going to be easy and I will have to work at it, but why should I be afraid of something I had to become a long time ago? I feel like I had to grow up at a young age and make choices that a young person shouldn't have to make, but now these are choices I should be making. Choices I should be thinking about so that shouldn't scare me, it should excite me. Making adult choices should light a fire within me and make me understand my freedom that I finally have. It shouldn't make me want to crawl in a hole or ask everyone else what I should do with my life, they aren't me they don't have to live it. I do. I finally have control of the outcome of how I live, and I want to live bold. The same should go for you, don't be afraid to live your life. I have been afraid for way to long. I know how it feels to want to rely on people and not make your own choices but I think once you make the first step you will feel strength and you wont be so afraid to grow. Don't be scared, be bold. You got this, change can be a good thing if you let it be.

If You Met Yourself

If you

met yourself what would you think? Would you compliment the way your hair falls around your shoulders? Would you tell yourself how nice you are, how your good with words and smiles? Would you tell yourself your silly and full of spirit? If you met yourself would you feel the need to kiss your soft, pink lips? Would you blush with the kind words you tell yourself? Would you fall in love with your curves and the way your jeans hug your hips? Would you take in consideration that its normal to have body fat and love yourself for it? If you met yourself would you fall in love with your personality and the way you like to talk to strangers? Would you welcome the thought of spending forever with yourself? Would you start to like looking at yourself in the mirror a little more? Would you except your flaws and mistake them for beauty instead? Would you be mad that you have scars in places you want smooth skin or would you find them fitting and full of stories? If you met yourself, would you love the way you walk, and the way you talk about the books you read, and the people you love? Would you fall in love with the way your skin glows in the moonlight and the fact that you like coffee despite what time of day it is? If you met yourself would you still fill your self full of negative thoughts? Would you still call yourself fat, and unworthy?  Would you still tell yourself that your hair doesn't lay right, that its crazy and untamed? Would you look in the mirror and point out all the flaws in your face? All the wrinkles and sunspots? Or would you see them as angel kisses and the curves of a warriors face? Would you love yourself a little more and be less hard on yourself,if you met yourself without knowing anything about you? Would you understand more of why people think your beautiful? Would you get why people stare at you and are amazed by all the things you have accomplished? Would you be more willing to accept yourself and fall in love with the person you are? Would you be less tempted to be negative and down on yourself? Would you wear that tight shirt or that bikini if you knew how great you really looked in it? If you met yourself would you stop being sad and start being happy? If you met yourself do you think you would have the same effect on yourself as you seem to have on others? Would you be proud to call yourself a girlfriend, boyfriend, best friend, mother, father, do gooder, beautiful, unique, wonderful, full of life? Or would you still call yourself, fat, lazy, ugly, to skinny, boobless, heartless, unrealistic, weird, nothing special? I believe that if you met yourself you'd understand, if you met yourself you'd start filling your soul with positive thoughts instead of negative ones. You'd get the concept of love and start letting people love you. You'd take a compliment because you'd know it would be true. You would see yourself differently. If you met yourself, you'd get that swimsuit. You'd call yourself perfect instead of fat. You'd hold your head higher and your heart wouldn't feel so heavy. If you met yourself you'd understand why people say kind things to you. You would understand that they mean those things because you have seen them. If you met yourself I'm sure you'd fall in love with yourself too. You are wonderful, beautiful, and caring all in your own way. Next time your down on yourself, frustrated with what you see in the mirror, not believing in yourself or the compliments others give you. Think to yourself, if I met myself what would I really think?

Young Forever

I wanna be

Young forever. I want to be wild and crazy, I want to know what it feels like to break a bone from doing something I love to do. I want to travel. To smell new smells, taste new foods. I want to be young and dance in the moonlight. To shower in the wilderness with a pot of water that was heated over a blazing fire. I want to run, skip and share kisses with someone I love. I want to be young and wild but I don't want to be young and stupid. I want to make mistakes and grow from them. I want to understand that being young isn't an excuse to damage my soul, to ruin my mind. I want to do things and remember them, feel them, experience them. I want to ride in cars with the radio turned up and the windows down. I want to have a summer love, I want to explore the world. I want my younger years to be something I am proud of, to boast about them to my children and their children. I want to say when I was younger me and my best friend traveled to Italy on a whim, once we drove eight hours straight without knowing where we were going. I want to say I did things, I tried things that were worth trying, worth doing. I want to say I fell in love and got my heart broken and then I fell in love and it lasted. I want to say I rode my bike up canyons, and did a night hike but forgot my water and a flashlight and got lost in a beautiful place. I want to be young and restless, full of life and wonder. I want to turn down bad ideas, and be smarter than my generation and the generation before mine. I want the mistakes worth making, the ones that will teach me something good, something that will make me wiser. I want to get the guts do delete my social networking, to stop texting and start exploring to stop worrying and start dancing. I want to be young forever because I know I cant be. I want to be strong because I know that one day my bones will be brittle and worn down like an old book with its bindings falling apart. I want scars that were made from memories, like trying to fly, and riding a four wheeler to fast. I want scars on my heart from people I cared about and lost, and people who forgot how to smile when smiling was easy. I want memories with strangers that insist I join them in dancing and laughing. I wanna be young forever. I want to explore places and things I never knew about. I want to swim with the dolphins and learn a new language. I want to be loved and love back, be selfless and powerful. I want to cry when I feel like crying, when I feel down but I know it wont last because crying is an overwhelming storm that leaves just as fast as it comes. I want to smile and laugh until I cry about something that touched my funny bone and put a spell on my soul. I want to be care free and loving, I want to give without getting anything in return. I want to be happy. I want to dance in the rain, because it brings growth to the world, it doesn't always mean sadness. I want to jump in puddles with my bare feet. I want to shove my naked toes into hot sand and build sand castles. I don't want to be medicated drugged up, depressed, seeing shapes, when I should be seeing reality. I don't want to hurt without knowing why I want to be stronger, clueless, but knowing.  I want to learn by watching others, I want to be an example to those who aren't strong enough to lead. I want to tell someone how I am feeling without caring what they will think, I want to wear mismatch socks and flowing dresses. I want to scream as loud as I can just to hear my own echo. I want to go river rafting, catch fish and put them back. I want to know how being young  feels. I want to live in the moment and soak it all up. I want to be young forever because your only young once.

The Past, Future or Present?

I am

done. Done trying to analyze every one else's behavior. I don't know why people hurt each other if you want me to be honest. I don't know why your husband left you, why you cry at night about a best friend who fell out of your life. I don't know why people do bad hurtful things to someone they "love". I wish I had answers for you. I wish we could analyze these things and find answers. I wish forgiving someone for doing something you can't explain, for doing something you don't have answers too was easier. I really do. You put trust in people and give them parts of you and they make mistakes. That is it. Mistakes. You can ask them why a million times but I don't believe that they know why either. Maybe they were caught up in a moment, maybe they were confused, lost, hurting from something or some one else, maybe they just needed that situation in that exact moment. Who knows. What I do know is that it hurts you. I can see it, its all over your face. Strangers could see the pain radiating from your smile from a mile away. It hurts you to try and forgive them, to fight to believe them again. Or it hurts to not have them in your life, to watch them walk away with someone else, to hear them say that you are just two different people, that your growing apart. I know it hurts. I see it in your eyes, the way you look when you talk about them. I see it. I know how it feels to not have answers to something that was so devastating, to not know why. It makes you feel like you were just getting punished for something you don't know you did, or something you didn't even do. People hurt each other, people make it hard for you to trust them, to except them, to believe that they are honest. It scares you, I can see that too. It makes you feel like trust isn't an option, but you don't know what you would do without them in your life because you love them. That's right. I know. I see it. You still love them, that's why it hurts. You still want them in your life, that's why it hurts even more. You want to except that apology, or you want to except that they are now gone, unable to hurt you. You cant though can you? Here is my advice. Here is my strength. Forget about it. I know its hard. Your brain pulls it right back up every time you open a door, or you see them, or you hear a name. Your brain is a filing cabinet. It will keep it there, but its your choice on how you choose to listen to the information your brain is bringing up. Its in the past now, what matters is what is happening now. What matters is the process of moving on, or the process of forgiveness. Stop questioning why it happened. Just think it happened, theres nothing I can do about it and this is where I am at now. Learn from it, learn to never except that behavior again, once is a mistake, twice or three times is a choice. Grow from it. It was painful yes, but you will heal with time. Understand that in the bigger picture of it all their mistakes and choices ultimately had nothing to do with you. Did it effect you? Yes of course, but was it about you? No it wasn't. It wasn't because your not skinny enough, pretty enough, funny enough. It just simply happened. They made a choice with their life that made them become in the wrong spot at the wrong time, and now they too have to choose to either grow from it or let it eat them alive. The only person it is hurting to dwell on it, is you. Maybe there is no answer as to why it happened, maybe it just simply happened. I know your confused. You don't know what to do, if forgiving them will be a mistake, if not fighting for them back will be a mistake. How about you don't worry about it? Just live your life with those who make you happy, if they make you happy spend time with them. Spend time with them without bringing the past up. Spend time laughing and playing and just enjoying every second you have. Live in the moment and the right things will fall into place. Don't let yourself be used, but don't put yourself in misery either. Stand up for yourself protect yourself, but be happy with yourself and trust yourself enough to handle your own situations and situations that may arise. If they make the same mistake again, you'll figure it out when it happens. If they don't, you'll be happy you accepted them in your life, and you'll figure that out when it happens too. If you choose not to have that person in your life because you feel like you don't need them then that is good too. Live for the moments you have now, not the future, the past. Just smile and live your life, things will play themselves out in time. In the wise words of Bob Marley, Don't worry, be happy. <3

The right person won't need convincing.

There's

something I'd like to say. Something I have learned that I want to get out. You can't make someone love you. Why would you want to? If someone is going to love me I want it to be because they choose to, every day. Every second. Why would you be mad if someone left you? Wouldn't that just narrow down one less Mr. Wrong? You can't force people to stay in your life, and if you could would you honestly be happy about it? What would you benefit from it? I want a love life that goes like this, we wake up next to each other, he makes me breakfast, I do the dishes, or vise versa  we eat in the dinning room together, in mostly silence because we haven't gotten to our coffee yet. Then I get ready in the bathroom, doing my hair and all that nonsense while he gets dressed in the bedroom because he's lucky enough to not have to use the mirror. We kiss each other goodbye, tell each other to have a good day and we go off to our separate workplaces. He texts me and tells me he loves me, tells me to have a good day or I text him first, it doesn't matter. We text a little throughout the day, but we understand if we cant answer each other until later, we are, after all working. I get home first because he works long hours, I do my homework, make dinner, watch a movie by myself. He gets home, takes off  his work boots or dress shoes, whichever they are. He complains about his day, I try to cheer him up by making fun of him. He does the dishes this time. I start a soap fight, he finishes it. We laugh at each others jokes and tease each other. We have a pillow fight, an argument only lasts two minutes because someone gives in and says sorry. He cuddles me all night, his excuse is because I hog the covers. We play video games before bed, we both fall asleep in the same part of the movie and have to start off where we left off the next day. He fights to get me out of bed, bribes me with coffee and eggs. On Sundays we stay in bed all day eating ice cream, watching movies, and taking naps. Fridays are our party days, we either go out together or we decide to go out separately with our friends, we come home after and tell each other all about our night, Saturdays are date nights, we go to dinner together just us two, or we switch our Friday activities with our Saturdays, whichever way works best. I trust him, he trust me. We have no issues being alone because we know what its like to be together. We are a team and it works out that way, we support each other in trials, when things get hard. We also understand that we need alone time. We laugh, we fight, we know how to get on each others nerves, yet we also know how to love each other. I don't go through his phone, he doesn't go through mine, if we did we wouldn't have anything to find, but we don't need to because we trust each other. I don't have his Facebook password or any password for that matter because I don't need to, and he doesn't have mine. If he wanted to walk away it would tear me apart, but I'd respect his decision because I love him. I would understand. I would let him go because love consists of two totally separate people committing to one another and supporting each other. Its a friendship lit on fire. If he didn't agree that that's what we have, who would I be to try and change his mind? You feel the way you feel regardless of who tries to convince you otherwise. You either love someone or you don't, you either fight for a relationship every day or you give up on it, let it fizzle out, and move on. Loving someone is a choice, therefore you cant force someone to choose that. You have to be understanding, because if you didn't feel the same way about someone as they felt about you, wouldn't you expect them to understand? Sometimes we hurt people, even without meaning to. I don't want a love that is easy, I just want one that is worth fighting for, even when its not easy. I want someone who feels the same way as I do, that doesn't mean we have to agree on everything. We just have to agree on one thing, and that is how much we love each other, and how much we are willing to fight to keep that love alive. I want someone who supports me, who understands me, who tries to see my point of view, while I try to see his, who is forgiving, funny, honest, outgoing, loyal. Someone who thinks I'm beautiful without make-up on. Who tells me when I'm being a pain in the ass, who laughs at my jokes even when they aren't funny, someone who chooses me no matter what circumstance everyday, every second. and I want someone who expects the same from me so why would I force someone to love me when I could find someone who loves me effortlessly? Stop trying to convince people your worth loving, just be someone worth loving and the right person wont need convincing.