You will be OKAY.

And he told me

I would be okay. The truth was that I knew I would be. I had experienced gut wrenching, heart aching pain before. I knew I would end up okay eventually but right then; right in that moment I was utterly not okay. Its the little moments that murder you, that leave you heaving, bleeding out at someones feet while they whisper fortunes about your future in your ear. Its the small little stabs with sharp words that make you question your ability to be that four letter word. Okay. He stabbed me over and over with spews of words that formed sentences and still had the assiduity to tell me that okay was something I would be. I didn't know that attempted murder made anyone feel okay, even if you made it out alive.

Forgive Yourself

He

never told her sorry.
There was no apology, no remorse for the gut wrenching pain he caused.
She didn't need there to be.
Her strength to walk away was her own apology to herself.
Her apology for allowing herself to settle for anything less than she deserved.
Sometimes the only apology you need is the one you forgot to give.
The one to you.
Forgive yourself often.
Forgive the scenarios you put yourself through, for you are only human.

-M.D.L

Why Blog?

I didn't

always see myself creating a blog. I never saw myself waging a war within my head on if  I should be honest about what I write on my blog or if I should make everything up. I am also not very tech savvy so I didn't think it would grab anyone's attention either. I thought one day that maybe I should put my blog on hold, you know write on it when I have a two year old or something catchy that grabs peoples attention like marriage. I don't have that, I cant tell you about the time my child got his/her first tooth, I cant tell you about my wedding day because it hasn't happened yet. All I have to offer is real moments in my life that I cant seem to grasp sometimes. I can tell you all about breakups, about staying up until 3 in the morning studying my ass off. I can tell you all about finding the love of my life, about losing that love, about crying, about laughing so hard my stomach hurts,and about friendships. I can tell you about down to earth,real life stuff that is happening probably to you too right now. I have said a thousand times on this blog that life is not a fairy tale. I don't want to lie to you and tell you about fairies and unicorns, I want to be real. I want to be open and relate to the bad and good things that are happening to you right now. Otherwise what would my blog be for? If I had a child with a first tooth I would most likely write about the lack of sleep I was getting because all my child does is scream. I would tell you about how parenting is hard, even though we already know that. If it was the day of my wedding I would probably tell you how I am falling apart because I cant believe this is happening and I am ruining my make up with tears.About how I am so scared my dress wont fit and how I know he is the one. I would tell you that I am terrified of divorce and of tripping down the isle, that is why I am wearing tennis shoes instead of heels. I am not a fan of blogs that portray their lives as perfect, that portray all the good and none of the bad because to me you have to have both. We are human and we are not perfect, without a breakdown their would be no happiness. My life is messy, complicated, and sometimes confusing and I take pride in not pretending that it is anything different. If you like the sappy blogs filled with nothing but happiness then let me tell you that you must have typed in the wrong URL and I hope you find that blog. I wanted honesty for once because I got sick of the internet being so perfect, of all these people portraying their "perfect life" that we all know is not always so glamorous because we are all going through hell someday's, we all have days that dont always work out.  I love to write, it is my passion and I LOVE when something I write touches someones soul in some profound, way that they can relate. I thank everyone who reads my blog and supports me in my writings. I hope that you are able to find peace, understanding, or just feel less alone when reading my tangents. I write because its my therapy, its my way of coping and it makes me happy. Do what makes you happy, even if it sounds crazy. Its important to be happy and embrace the crazy thing  that we call life.

Drowning in love

All

your love filled my heart to the brim, spilling over like a vicious waterfall until I was drenched in it.

If this is what love feels like, please just let me drown here.

-M.D.L

The sound

Just

the other day I fell asleep to the sound of your heartbeat and today I'm waking up to the sound of your silence. The funny thing is, I cant seem to figure out which one is louder.

-M.D.L

Here's to broken hearts and other broken things

You

stayed broken

for a really long time.

I often asked myself

what kind of love was the

love that broke you.

Then I realized...

it wasn't love at all.

Do you realize that?

Think about how often

we all let people in who 

are supposed to love us but

don't...

How long must you suffer for

what she did to you darling?

How long must you let 

destruction win?

Love doesn't hurt you....

People do. 

-M.D.L 

Drowning

When

You feel yourself drowning always remember that someone out there lives in a deeper ocean than you do.

M.D.L

Evolution

I feel 

dead. Dead inside, outside all around dead. I haven't written something for weeks, the words do not come to me anymore and I feel hollow. I feel like a carved out pumpkin with all my insides lying on the table. Life is a roller coaster of stress which I think stops me from thinking rationally. Stops me from thinking of the things I am feeling, therefore I cant write. It scares me because it all used to come so easily, from deep down in my soul then it just stopped. I have been questioning myself and the type of human I am, the type of human I want to be. What kind of life do I want? I have taken solitude outside of writing. I now find it in blades of grass and dirty feet. I have learned how relaxing it is to take my shoes off and walk in circles in the grass in my front yard. I am sure my neighbors think I am crazy but I find solitude there, peace there. Some days I feel like I cannot breathe and air wont come to me. Like a fish outside of water. I feel suffocated, drowning. I think I am evolving and I am not sure exactly what that means but I feel it. I feel like half my present self, and half someone I used to be. I hope you can relate to me when I say that... and if you cant that is fine too. People say we all grow, we all change but I think the truth is we evolve because its a slow painful process where you feel stuck and not stuck all at the same time. I am a wanderer who is just trying to find my place in the world. Trying to find somewhere good to plant myself. I have come to discover many things, such as how loneliness doesn't always equal sadness and how not washing my hair is no longer important. I am learning that this life is about making myself happy and making others happy in the process of that. I am learning how important it is to get down deep into my own soul and process things, even if it is painful and scary. I am sorry I do not write lately. I am sorry that I cant explain to you why either, because I am not so sure. I want to feel again, to not feel hollow but I think you have to go through the process first, you have to go where the wind takes you and right now, for me its right here right now in this moment. I hope you let yourself evolve, that you let yourself shed your skin and step into the light of who you really are deep deep down beneath the surface. I am off soul searching and so far I have discovered the importance of blades of grass, dirty feet, and evolving into your own true self and for me, in this moment that is what matters.

Rain Dance

You

entered into my life like a rainstorm, first silent and then loud.
Your heartbeat became my rhythm and your body became my rain dance.
You became a storm I soaked myself in.
Standing in my sun felt more like a drought than a reward, I was prepared to drown in you.

-M.D.L

Don't Play With Your Food

I handed 

you my heart on a silver platter and watched it burst into flames.
To think that all this time you said you didn't play games.
You lit my heart ablaze, with one single match and whispered in
my ear,
"silly girl, this is why you dont get too attached."

-M.D.L

Penciling in Love

Who says

that we can plan love. I dislike those people who go around saying that "it just wasn't the right timing', "I cannot commit to you in this time of my life" or "I am just not ready". When do you ever have time to prepare for love? When was it a scheduled event that you pencil into your calendar and tell yourself that "by this date, I will love you, I will commit." Screw that and all the cop out excuses. Tell me the real reason. Tell me that you are hurting that you are scared, that the last relationship you were in tore you to pieces and left you crumbled. Tell me the damn truth because I deserve that dont I? Speaking of deserving, dont you dare tell me what I deserve. "You deserve more than I can give you" I know what I deserve and its my choice on if I find it or if I settle. It is not your decision to tell me what I deserve. Are you telling me this to make yourself feel better, to make yourself feel like you are doing the right thing? STOP. stop planning, stop justifying. because whether its today, tomorrow or two years from now, whether its with me or someone else, you will fall in love, many times or maybe just once. You will meet someone and you will like them more than you expected and you will have to decide. Are you going to be a coward? Are you going to run, because if you do there is no turning back. You walk out that door and you sever ties. You say things like "it just isn't the right time" "I cant give you what you deserve" "I am trying to find myself" and its over. Just like that. Pain comes with love and if you expect that your cop out excuses will save you, you are dead wrong.  I see right through you. It hurts letting go just as much as it does falling and you are lucky enough if you are able to do it, if you are able to stop the morning texts, the late night conversations, the laughs. Man up, love does not come easy and if you think you are going to schedule it for when "the timing is right", think again. If you walk away you are a coward. A coward for not trying, for not facing the chance of pain dead in the eyes and taking a chance. I was worth it, the chance of love is always worth it. You have survived pain before, you can survive anything you just have to have the guts to jump in and  face it. If you dont, your cop out excuses will not save you. This one, this loss, is on you darling. 

Little Moments

There

Are nights when my apartment is so quiet that I can hear my faucet pattering. I am not sure which faucet, as I have just gotten into bed and my legs ache, oh do they ache from the constant rustling of my day. So, I lay in bed and listen to the faucet slowly dripping and wonder if it's the kitchen sink, bathroom sink, or the bathtub who is the culprit. The point is that my legs ache and I don't care enough about the dripping to stop it.  I listen and almost anticipate when the next drop will hit the cold granite of my sink (I think it's granite). Instead of counting sheep, I count water patters and the seconds between them. The pattering is enterrupted by Jacksens crunching on his dog food and the sound of his collar hitting his bowl. I think its funny that dogs can eat this late, and I also think it's funny that he carries every bite into my bedroom before chewing it as if to tell me he's still here. I wonder if dogs can feel the lonlieness that people radiate.  I wonder if Jacksen knows that this apartment is empty, that it echo's and creaks or that I count the water dripping in between his chomping of food. There is a certain kind of feeling you get whem you are laying in bed contemplating life. There is a separation between you and the world. There is that split second where everything slows down and you can breathe, you can count if you want to. You can sigh your breaths of relaxation and wonder about the little things. As I listen to the pitter patter of my faucet and Jacksen chowing down I realize how much moments like these count. How much the stillness matters. How greatful I am for the little ridiculous moments that make up life.

out with the old, in with the new

People

always tell me that they want the old version of you back.. I dont think they realize that the "old" you is dead and gone. Old versions are called old for a reason; they die off. They become something you cant return to. Maybe you were never the "old" version of yourself. Maybe that was just a shell for this new version of you. You have broken out of that shell now. You are now someone different. SOmeone your parents dont recongize. Someone your siblings are mad at because you were not the example you should have been. Old is comfortable for most people, old is how people reconginze you. I hear stories of you, of how you changed. "She is not the same her, she is desrespectful, crazy, doesnt care about her family". What is the "same" anyways? We all change, moprh into different beings as the world changes us, some changes are good, some terrible. I know people wish for the same "old" you, but I know better.I know that version of you is dead. You died a long time ago when you stopped believing the good in people. When you stopped believing the good in yourself. People change and its not always easy to accept the change. You are not the same "old" you, and I see that. The question is, do you? Do you see what you have become? Do you look in the mirror and still reconginze yourself? Do you care wether you recoginze yourself or not? We are all mourning someone who never was. We are mouring the "old" you. I dont wish for you to come back as the "old" version of yourself because I know that we cannot go backwards. We cannot go back to our childhood and "start over". I dont wish for the old you anymore. I wish for someone much more stronger.

Planting Happy Seeds

Find your roots and plant yourself.

Wrap yourself up in your own vines. Suffocate yourself  with your own sunshine. You are worthy of growth, of blossoming. Find your petals and nuture them, shed your wilting. Let the dead go. This is time for growth. This is your own personal Spring, the time for sunshine is now. Show your pretty face and let the world love you. Dance in the wind, be the care free flower you are. You are worthy of planting. You are worthy of growth so find your roots baby. Find your roots and plant yourself.

-M.D.L

Seeing is Believing

And

That's the thing about you, you say you don't believe in love. That makes you a hiprocrite, you have said I love you a thousand times and you haven't even opened your mouth yet.


-M.D.L

Searching Spaces

I

am 

glad

you 

found 

happiness

in 

someone

else. 

While

you 

were 

searching 

for her....                                                                   I found it in myself. 

T-Shirt Cycles.

There is 

so many people that you have hope in, so many relationships you hope to be "the one". So you wear his T-Shirt to bed and tell him how much you love him in hopes that one day there is more than just that one T-Shirt of his in your drawer; there's many. You hope for children and that white picket fence somewhere in the suburbs that constantly haunts your mind. Then it all comes crashing down around you and the T-Shirt of his you used to wear to bed now has a new owner called your trash can. You are left sobbing heavy sobs of broken heartbreak. Its funny though, how often the love that you thought was love is replacable. You meet someone new and the next thing you know you are wearing his T-Shirt to bed and hoping for the same damn future that haunted you months ago. Love isnt replacable. You are soon to find this out because a T-Shirt for a night gown doesnt equal love. You are becoming the T-Shirt you sleep in, and all the ones resting in peace in your trash can. Often after the men leave you continplate of keeping just one. One T-Shirt, one T-shirt as the last glimmering light of hope to say that sometimes a T-Shirt is just a T-shirt and sleeping alone isn't always so bad. A T-Shirt for a night gown doesnt equal love, and quite often you are better off sleeping naked.