This too Shall Pass

Yesterday

was a bad day. I woke up sad, frustrated. The kind of sad you just cant shake. It was a sadness that somehow creeped into my bones and found its way to my blood pumping heart. I wanted to go to bed the moment I crawled out of it. I just wanted to curl up in a ball, get lost in a book and hold lamby, my stuffed animal I have had since I can remember. It was a bad day for me, just one of those days. I was mad that I was sad and couldn't figure out why. I think it was my depression pulling at me, trying to eat me whole. Usually I am pretty good at taming the beast but yesterday I lost all power and my sword to do so. I wanted to sit and cry for a long long time. Some days you forget to love your life. Some days you find a monster hiding in your soul that needs to be let out in the form of tears or screaming. That is okay, even though it doesn't feel okay. I cried. I cried for awhile, I got in my car, drove and cried to myself. Life isn't always butterflies and Daisey's. Sometimes your angry, and sometimes you are sad to the point of wanting to disappear. Yesterday wasn't my day. I haven't had a day like yesterday in a long long time. I wanted to be happy, I wanted it so bad. It was sunny outside and I wanted to soak it all in but I couldn't. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand to feel it on my skin or to look at it. I wanted to hide like a vampire hidden in the night. Something creeped in and overwhelmed me. I kept asking myself why do I feel this way? What is wrong? Why cant I be happy? Please just let me be happy. I couldn't find the answers, I just felt the way I did and there was nothing I could do about it. So I cried, then I laughed, the half laugh you give when something really isn't that funny, then I cried again. Then I gave in altogether, crawled into bed, pulled out my book and my sad frail looking lamb and read while I cried myself to sleep. I need it. I needed to sit with my feelings and let them attack me. I let the tears engulf every inch of my body until I felt like I was drowning in a 3ft deep kiddy pool. I didn't feel like I would make it, but I didn't feel like I could pretend and ignore it either. I let my feelings take over and eat whatever happy form of Meaghan was left yesterday and then I fell asleep, crying and all. Everyone has bad days, and yesterday was my rock bottom day. I thought of everything horrible about myself, everything I disliked and wished was different with my life. I was a sad sad, don't bug me kind of person and it scared me. I scared myself into tears. One thing that happened though, is that I promised myself today would be different. I promised myself that I could not unpack every once of me and live in that sad place. I had to get up, today I had to be reborn again. I would not let my sadness define everyday after yesterday because I wasn't myself yesterday, I was someone else. Some days you turn into someone your not. Some days your an actor with a really depressing role, and the next day you have to be yourself again. Today, I am myself again. I will probably never know why I was so sad yesterday, maybe I was missing someone, maybe I just didn't feel up to life. Everyday isn't going to be your best day. Some days your going to cry, get angry and  you wont know why and that is perfectly fine. We cant always be happy because we are human, sometimes feelings come like a title wave and swallow us whole. Remember who you are when this happens. Remember that a feeling is taking over your body and it will soon pass. You aren't defined by the sadness or anger that tries to take you over. You are allowed to be sad, angry but then get up and be happy. Allow yourself a day of complete disaster and then stand up, brush yourself off and keep moving. If I stayed reliving yesterday I wouldn't be able to function. When you are sad be sad, but when you are happy embrace the beauty in it and cherish it, let happiness be what defines you and your life.  Let sadness take over when need be, but also let it pass. Everything bad soon will pass and you will feel much better knowing that sadness and anger like happiness, are also blessings.