Loving from a distance

Last night

I had a dream about you. I thought I was over that. I thought the dreams had stopped and I wouldn't think of  your mistakes ever again. It felt so real. Down to the moment of me walking in on you all over again. Then it was over and I was home in my bed, with all my blankets on the floor from me moving around and I finally woke up. Then I tried to close my eyes again, all shaken up and angry. The second dream about you was worse. You kept calling me and calling me on my phone asking me where I was, asking me why I disappeared. I kept hanging up and running. Running from the phone and you and your urgent sounding voice. Somehow the phone would always end up right back in my hand with you calling, and I was running in the dark begging for you to just leave me alone. I couldn't escape you. It sucks that your still in my head, in my dreams. I don't know how long it will take for me to escape you, how long it usually takes someone to escape someone they loved. Your face is everywhere. Our memories are everywhere from songs to places we used to hang out. I thought this time would be easier, that I am stronger. Being stronger is hard, I cant just tell myself not to dream about you even though I am trying. Its easier day by day, every day that goes by without talking to you is another day I have accomplished. I tell myself that we weren't meant to be, that you are just a faint memory and I think its true. I think we were all wrong, all mixed up on getting attached to someone so that we didn't have to deal with loneliness. I was strong enough to tell you goodbye and that is a goodbye I am going to keep this time. Regardless of how you haunt my dreams. My dream wasn't telling me I missed you, it wasn't telling me that somehow by fate, maybe just maybe we are meant to be after all. It was telling me that I am making the right decisions. It was telling me that no matter how hard it gets I am strong enough to run. No matter how urgent your voice is I don't have have to listen. No matter how much you beg me, you don't really want me. You want to end your loneliness. I am not a loneliness ender. I am someone who wants to be loved. Someone who loves you with all her heart but cannot endure your needs anymore. You can love someone from a distance. You can love someone without ever holding their hand, without ever seeing their face. Without ever talking to them. That is how I love you, from a distance. That is how I will always love you. That is how I have to love you in order to be happy. I am happy. Happy that this was the first dream in a while. Happy that I am less stressed, less worried. Happy that I can survive when I thought I couldn't. For that and only that, I will tell you thank you, and I will keep loving you from this distance.