I Forgot

I almost forgot

what it felt like to have your hands wrapped around me in a warm embrace. I forgot how it felt to hear you laugh, to see you smile. Through all the rage and anger I almost forgot what it was like to love you. I forgot how much of you shines through my very being. I forgot how you used to make me chicken and pasta salad on occasions, and how those occasions were always my favorite. I forgot how important I felt holding your hand and how you used to brush off my skinned knees. I forgot how you once made me happy when all I wanted to do was cry. There's so much about you that I forgot existed because all I saw was your mistakes. I forgot how you can make me laugh, and how you once removed gum that was embedded in the snarls of my hair.At that time I never thought I'd forget those things and then it all changed, you changed and I grew up and I forgot. I forgot how you used to tickle me with your small hands that look a lot like mine. I forgot how long you'd search for me because I would always fall asleep in unknown places. I forgot about all of the choir concerts you attended and my first grade graduation. I forgot about the braids put in my hair by your skilled, slow working fingers, and how you'd spray my hair with hairspray but it would always fall out anyways.I forgot that you were there when my hair was past my butt and I decided to chop it off, you pleaded for me to keep it but I chopped it off to my chin anyways. I forgot the time I got lice from the neighbor kids and you washed all my pink sheets. I forgot about the mayo you put in my hair to suffocate the lice and how many hours it took you. I forgot how much we laughed because my hair smelt like mayo for days.I forgot the happy moments because I was to busy being angry. I was to mad and to hurt by your mistakes I forgot that I love you. I was seeing red when I should be working on forgiveness. I was mad at you for doing things I couldn't understand, I was hurt for not getting the answers. I forgot what it felt like to have a mom and you forgot what it was like to have a daughter. I forgot that you have loved me for who I am, flesh and blood, through all the stupid choices, through all the mistakes yet I couldn't forgive you. You are my mom, you weren't supposed to make mistakes, you were supposed to be grown up, to know better, to know how you  were tearing down my little world. I forgot how to love you when I was 12 years old because when I was 12 years old my world came tumbling down. I forgot that love was even an option. I grew a heavy angry heart. I forgot that you were once my best friend, my only friend. I forgot about the sleep outs in the back yard, using pool floaties as our mattresses. I am sorry mom. I am sorry I forgot how to love you because I was to busy hurting you, to busy trying to make you feel bad for the things you had done. I am sorry you hurt me and I never saw forgiveness as an option. I am sorry that I grew up mad at you. I am sorry I have hated you for so long, when you have taught me how to be strong. I am sorry it has taken me this long to work on forgiving you. I am trying, not for just your sake but for mine. I miss remembering moments, I miss what it felt like to not be angry.I forgot what it was like for you to hold me when I'm sick, I forgot how it felt for you to love me. Sometimes now that I am older I wish you would hold me when I'm sick. I wish I knew what medicine to get for my coughs, and how to use a vaporizer. I am sorry I grew so angry. I am sorry I broke your heart, but you broke mine. Now I am grown up and that is all over, it has passed and I am sick and tired of being angry. I am sick of forgetting. I didn't stop loving you I just forgot how. I am sorry.