This is not a Diet. Its a Nutritional Plan.

Okay

lately I have been really mushy gushy and heartfelt on here. Its time to write something a little more light hearted. Recently I have decided to go on a no Gluten or processed Sugar diet. Yep that means no breads, pastas,candy, and yeah no Soda. Bummer right?! I have been doing this for about 3 weeks now. I'll be honest, I tried to do it before but I would always relapse on a bunch of bread or candy. So this time for real I have done it for 3 weeks straight only eating bad on my free days. Let me tell you how hard it is at first!! It is so so hard to resist, to not be an addict. Food is an addiction, fattening foods are even more of an addiction and taking them away from yourself is like overcoming a drug addiction. I would like to share with you my steps in overcoming a food induced trance. Here we go:


1. Always always find support somewhere. Without support you'll be eating bad again in no time (my support is a fabulous lady I work with, she asks me everyday what I have eaten and shames me if its something bad)

2. You can say NO. That's right, just because people offer you food doesn't mean you have to eat it. (This was a tough one for me because I felt like saying no could be insulting. Its not! Say no, say no thank you, either way just do NOT say yes to that donut, you'll regret it later.)

3. ITS NOT ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT. It really isn't. Its about feeling good in your body, feeling good staring back at that gorgeous figure in the mirror. (If you make it about losing weight, trust me you'll get discouraged and that will make you want to eat more of the bad foods!) Just be healthy that's the main priority.

4. Don't shun yourself for relapsing. Its not about bringing yourself down! Its about lifting yourself up. If you relapse on the food just get right back on the healthy saddle tomorrow and work even harder. Your human, your not perfect. Its trial and error baby, trial and error.

5. Don't do it because of the way strangers stare at you! They will stare at you either way. Do it for no one but yourself. Its your life, your body and you have to want it in order to accomplish it.

6. Give yourself a free day, once a week or if your hard core maybe once a month. Either way give yourself a free day! Now, that doesn't mean pig out on all the junk food you can get your hands on. It means eat ONE of those cookies, or drink half a soda. You don't want to have to start the process all over, so limit yourself but if you eat one of those cookies don't feel ashamed!

7. Your not an animal, so don't reward yourself with food! Reward yourself with something you need, new shoes or a jacket but do NOT reward yourself by eating a whole plate of nachos. A couple hours later it wont feel so rewarding.

8. Drink TONS of water. I mean TONS!! Your changing your diet, your body needs water no matter what diet your on and it needs it more now that your on one. Drink up!

9.  Don't call it a DIET! Throw that word out the window. Call it a nutritional change or a healthy life style. A diet is something you don't stick to. If you want this to work it has to be a FOREVER commitment. If you just do this for a couple months then go back to bad eating trust me, you'll be right back in the same boat as before the "diet". You have to want to stay healthy forever!

10.DO NOT GIVE UP! This is going to be hard. Its not always going to be fun and you'll have to resist temptations ever day but don't give up! You decided to make a change in your life. Remember why you are making that change and kick butt!! You got this.

11. Finally number eleven. Stay positive. Always! No matter what your doing in your life you can do it if you put your mind into it. Don't look down on yourself or tell yourself you cant. Have strength and the rest will fall into place. I believe in you and you should believe in yourself too.

Whatever nutritional change you are doing with your life I wish you luck! You have all my support because I know personally that it isn't easy. Thanks for reading!

"I'm only 20"

Dear future years and current year of my 20's,

First off I want to say thank you for letting me get through my teen years, those were pretty hard. Next I want to say that I promise to not ruin the perfect womanly body you have blessed me with as long as you promise not to give me wrinkles and take away some of my zits. Second, I promise that I wont waste these years on finding a man, looking deeply in the crevices of the earth to find a mate to run off and marry. I just wont let myself. I promise you I'll be young, wild,and free for as long as my body will let me. Let me tell you years of my 20's, I am afraid for the years of my 30's to happen but we wont worry about that right now. Also I want to point out, if you haven't noticed we only get nine lovely years to spend together. Nine. That is it and then you are gone. I promise I wont waste you on silly things like worrying about what shirt I am going to wear or what to do on a Friday night. We will just wing it, go where ever the wind takes us. I also wont complain that I am "only 20" ever again. 20 is a blessed year, filled with independence and soul searching and the first year we get to spend together. There is nothing to complain about. I promise I'll make mistakes so that you know that you weren't wasted, you were lived. I will learn from the time we get to spend together by going to a strip club for my 21st birthday or maybe even going to Vegas like the rest of the world does on their 21st birthday. You'll be well spent I promise. Maybe we will spend that birthday in Disney Land. I'll leave that up to you when the time comes. I promise to be reckless, so that you can remind the years of my 30's that sometimes its okay to have a little fun. I promise to fall in actual love at least once with a complete stranger and have it only last a summer, just so you can say you experienced that. I promise to always dance in the rain because someday we wont be able to. Years of my 20's I am afraid of how short you are. I am afraid of getting old and having children in my years of 30. I promise to not wish I was older, because one day I will wish I was 20 again. I swear that I will explore the world and learn new things about different cultures instead of my own. I will go to the gym and run for as long as I can because one day I will hardly be able to walk. I will live you like your the last years I will ever be alive, because who really knows? I promise to spend your days picking flowers and running through sprinklers because I have no excuse not to. We will be best friends years of my 20's I promise. I wont waste you on planning my life, or worrying about the future. Its just me and you. I promise to take chances, to stop at stop signs and to never drink and drive. I promise to stay safe, Happy and free spirited. I promise to dance like no ones watching and to meet new friends. I promise to scream into a pillow when I am angry and to cry when I am sad. You, years of my 20's will be the best years of my life. I wont forget you, and I wont take you for granted. Lets make our 20's the best years. Years filled with memories and excitement. I am ready years of my 20's. Are you?

Breakfast Burritos, Split Tea, and Pouring Rain.

Today

is already that kind of day. You know, the kind where you leave your house early to go to the store to by your salad for lunch. The type of day where you decide your going to do a detox to cleanse your body that hurts and feels worn down. You warm up your tea, get in the car and call an advisor from your school to take care of some financial things that have been a problem for weeks now. You forget your only one person, you cant hold your tea, drive and talk on the phone at the same time. So of course, while doing that U turn your tea goes flying right into your lap. Although, you got lucky and the tea is just running down your seat and you have a jacket in the back to cover up your mess. You laugh about your clumsiness and keep trying to multi task while sitting on an already damp jacket. You stop at the store, get your salad and a smoothie for your breakfast and you go back to your car to sit on that damp jacket, and you smile. You smile the whole time because there isn't a reason not to. Accidents make your day eventful and the fact that your wearing black pants means no one at work will notice your tea accident. You feel clever, like you defeated your goal of not getting a stain on your clothes for at least one more day. Your at work now, and a co worker tries to hand you whats left of her Betto's breakfast burrito, which is made up of a fried tortila eggs, tons of cheese, ham, and of course potatoes. You tell her about your cleanse and about your no eating gluten rule and she hands you the burrito anyways. Now you have a temptation on your hands, you have tried one of these burritos before. You know what it tastes like but you also know how sick you feel after eating it. You secretly want to just shove the whole thing in your mouth but you decide against it. You ask everyone else who comes in if they want it and they turn it down. Your only other option is to chuck it in the trash. You do and you feel accomplished by doing so. It feels so good to watch it land at the bottom of the trash can! Once you look up, you see that outside its pouring rain and you realize the only jacket you have is in your car covered with spilt tea. You chuckle, take a sip of your smoothie and get back to business. Your life is full of things that question your ability to stay happy, from accidents, spills, temptations,weather,and other people. The beauty of life is that you get to choose how you react! You get to choose weather your financial issues, your tea accident, or someone handing you a Burrito will ruin your day or just be another challenge you have over come. You could've sat and been angry, you could've thought about all the ways your problems were going to ruin your day, you could've ate that darn Burrito. The beauty of it is, even if you did it is your choice. The world gives you situations and you choose what to do with them. You cannot be mad at the world for how you choose to handle what it gives you. Find a way to make the most horrible of situations enlighten you and you will become a better person. You as a spirit will feel happy, and who knows with certain steps your physical body could feel happy too. Understand that the universe only throws at you what you can handle and how you handle what it throws at you is in the palm of your hands. Stay positive and find a positive outlook through all the negative. Things aren't always as bad as they seem and if they are its for a reason. You have to stay enlightened, stay humble, stay happy. This life is yours and only yours and the beauty of that is simply amazing! Do not take it for granted by living your life full of anger. Smile, for today is beautiful and you are beautiful. You got this.

Loving from a distance

Last night

I had a dream about you. I thought I was over that. I thought the dreams had stopped and I wouldn't think of  your mistakes ever again. It felt so real. Down to the moment of me walking in on you all over again. Then it was over and I was home in my bed, with all my blankets on the floor from me moving around and I finally woke up. Then I tried to close my eyes again, all shaken up and angry. The second dream about you was worse. You kept calling me and calling me on my phone asking me where I was, asking me why I disappeared. I kept hanging up and running. Running from the phone and you and your urgent sounding voice. Somehow the phone would always end up right back in my hand with you calling, and I was running in the dark begging for you to just leave me alone. I couldn't escape you. It sucks that your still in my head, in my dreams. I don't know how long it will take for me to escape you, how long it usually takes someone to escape someone they loved. Your face is everywhere. Our memories are everywhere from songs to places we used to hang out. I thought this time would be easier, that I am stronger. Being stronger is hard, I cant just tell myself not to dream about you even though I am trying. Its easier day by day, every day that goes by without talking to you is another day I have accomplished. I tell myself that we weren't meant to be, that you are just a faint memory and I think its true. I think we were all wrong, all mixed up on getting attached to someone so that we didn't have to deal with loneliness. I was strong enough to tell you goodbye and that is a goodbye I am going to keep this time. Regardless of how you haunt my dreams. My dream wasn't telling me I missed you, it wasn't telling me that somehow by fate, maybe just maybe we are meant to be after all. It was telling me that I am making the right decisions. It was telling me that no matter how hard it gets I am strong enough to run. No matter how urgent your voice is I don't have have to listen. No matter how much you beg me, you don't really want me. You want to end your loneliness. I am not a loneliness ender. I am someone who wants to be loved. Someone who loves you with all her heart but cannot endure your needs anymore. You can love someone from a distance. You can love someone without ever holding their hand, without ever seeing their face. Without ever talking to them. That is how I love you, from a distance. That is how I will always love you. That is how I have to love you in order to be happy. I am happy. Happy that this was the first dream in a while. Happy that I am less stressed, less worried. Happy that I can survive when I thought I couldn't. For that and only that, I will tell you thank you, and I will keep loving you from this distance.

Falling In Love

This

life isn't about finding a soul mate. It isn't about if your single or not single. It is about finding yourself. Its about loving yourself and the skin you are in. I see so many young people wrapped up in finding their "soul mate" when they should be wrapped up in finding themselves. They know nothing about what they believe in, what they find exciting, but they know all about the kind of person they find attractive and what clothes to wear on a Friday night. I think we all need to realize that it is okay to be alone. It is okay to go to the movies by yourself. It is okay to take yourself out to dinner. You have to love yourself just as much as you have to love a "soul mate". Its easy to distract yourself with other people. I am not sure why people feel afraid to be alone, to face themselves. Last night I went out with a friend and he was saying how he has been single for a year and a half. A year and a half is nothing, I am sure you spent the time you were born until the time you were what 12? 13? maybe even 17? 18? being single. That is 12,13,17,18 years of your life alone. A year and a half is nothing. What is wrong with spending a year and a half alone? What is wrong with spending any considerate amount of time alone? Also, let me analyze the word "alone" because for example, in that year and a half time he spent "alone" I am sure he wasn't really alone. What about friends, family, new acquaintances? I don't think he was really as alone as he made it seem. Society tells you that you have to grow up now, you have to get married, find a house have five children and don't stop to think about it either just do it. This makes people feel like an outcast, a freak, ugly if they just so happen to not be getting married at 20, if they just so happen to be single and "alone" for a year and a half. Don't be afraid to analyze yourself, to try and understand the way you view the world. Screw society and the things they tell you, nothing they say makes sense. Its not okay to be plus size but here eat a McDonald's hamburger. Its not okay to be single so make sure you have someone, anyone even if you are complete strangers and not compatible, marry them. Step outside of society's box and discover the way you really feel, who you really are. Its okay to be "alone" because your not really "alone" are you? Your just independent, you have your own thoughts, your own way of viewing the world instead of being a camelion and feeling however your "soul mate" feels. You have friends and family and I promise being alone wont kill you. Stop searching for a "soul mate" and start searching for yourself. Fall in love with yourself.

Backpacks and Running Ingines

I feel

Like I live out of a backpack. I have always felt like that. When I was younger, home wasn't a home for me so I ran. I ran to the closest friends house with two backpacks, one with school supplies and the other with clothes. I guess I never grew out of it. I guess it wasn't home that wasn't a home it was myself that wasn't a home. When I ran I tripped into others problems, sorrows, and worries and it made me not have to focus on my own. Meaghan doesn't exist if she is to busy camouflaging herself. I like not thinking. Not worrying about myself because I have others to worry about. If I sit to long with myself I start to get angry, to dislike everything. I have to have a distraction, a way of not thinking about me and what I want. I live out of a backpack that is refillable once my clothes get dirty or my shampoo runs out. As I got older the friends turned into boyfriends, one of the backpacks turned into a purse, and the house I started running from was my empty apartment. I couldn't be alone. Let me rephrase that, I cant be alone. Alone time means focusing and thinking about my life. Analyzing things I just cant stand to analyze. I don't want to disappoint my family, and if I disappointed a boyfriend or friend I could care less. I just needed an attachment. An extra limb so to speak. The frustrating thing about half the problems in my life is that I understand them. I know what I am doing when I do it. I know why I do it. I just don't know how to change it. Its like eating a candy bar when your on a diet, you know you shouldn't, you know what will happen if you do, but you eat it anyways. I am tired of eating candy bars. My life shouldn't be one that is lived out of a backpack, out of fear. I am getting exhausted of  packing and unpacking. I am exhausted from forgetting a brush or shoe. The problem is I like unstable, because well I guess I am unstable. My life has always been on a kilter, an edge of messiness and the act of holding it all together. Last night as I laid in my own bed, in my own actual house not a boyfriends or a friends house I realized that no matter how much I run, laying in my own bed in my house feels like home. I am comfortable, I can sleep without waking up. I don't have to worry if I forgot something in my mad rush of packing. I am home. Then I thought of all the ways that living out of a backpack has effected me. I am always driving, never sleeping, always worrying, my routine gets thrown off,and I put off my family. I don't think living out of a backpack has ever benefited me. It has just hidden me. It has become hard to separate myself from what part of me is real and which part has become me because of how willing I am to sacrifice parts of me for others. My life hasn't been about me, I am not sure what my hobbies are. I am not sure what I like to do on Sunday afternoons. All I know is that I have lived out of a backpack full of nothing but clothes and hidden secrets. I don't want to do it anymore. I want to become stable, to be able to tell people my hobbies, my wants and for them to be considered. I have put others before me, boyfriends, friends for way to long. Its to the point now where I believe I have turned them selfish. They ask and ask more of me than I can give, that I am willing to give. The question always is how much can you take? How much can you handle? My answer is no more. I cant handle more, I cant handle anymore asking for favors, any more asking for forgiveness, any more sacrificing myself and I shouldn't have to. People who love you wont ask you to live out of a backpack, they wont expect more of you than they know you can give. I think its time to throw away my backpack and find myself.

This too Shall Pass

Yesterday

was a bad day. I woke up sad, frustrated. The kind of sad you just cant shake. It was a sadness that somehow creeped into my bones and found its way to my blood pumping heart. I wanted to go to bed the moment I crawled out of it. I just wanted to curl up in a ball, get lost in a book and hold lamby, my stuffed animal I have had since I can remember. It was a bad day for me, just one of those days. I was mad that I was sad and couldn't figure out why. I think it was my depression pulling at me, trying to eat me whole. Usually I am pretty good at taming the beast but yesterday I lost all power and my sword to do so. I wanted to sit and cry for a long long time. Some days you forget to love your life. Some days you find a monster hiding in your soul that needs to be let out in the form of tears or screaming. That is okay, even though it doesn't feel okay. I cried. I cried for awhile, I got in my car, drove and cried to myself. Life isn't always butterflies and Daisey's. Sometimes your angry, and sometimes you are sad to the point of wanting to disappear. Yesterday wasn't my day. I haven't had a day like yesterday in a long long time. I wanted to be happy, I wanted it so bad. It was sunny outside and I wanted to soak it all in but I couldn't. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand to feel it on my skin or to look at it. I wanted to hide like a vampire hidden in the night. Something creeped in and overwhelmed me. I kept asking myself why do I feel this way? What is wrong? Why cant I be happy? Please just let me be happy. I couldn't find the answers, I just felt the way I did and there was nothing I could do about it. So I cried, then I laughed, the half laugh you give when something really isn't that funny, then I cried again. Then I gave in altogether, crawled into bed, pulled out my book and my sad frail looking lamb and read while I cried myself to sleep. I need it. I needed to sit with my feelings and let them attack me. I let the tears engulf every inch of my body until I felt like I was drowning in a 3ft deep kiddy pool. I didn't feel like I would make it, but I didn't feel like I could pretend and ignore it either. I let my feelings take over and eat whatever happy form of Meaghan was left yesterday and then I fell asleep, crying and all. Everyone has bad days, and yesterday was my rock bottom day. I thought of everything horrible about myself, everything I disliked and wished was different with my life. I was a sad sad, don't bug me kind of person and it scared me. I scared myself into tears. One thing that happened though, is that I promised myself today would be different. I promised myself that I could not unpack every once of me and live in that sad place. I had to get up, today I had to be reborn again. I would not let my sadness define everyday after yesterday because I wasn't myself yesterday, I was someone else. Some days you turn into someone your not. Some days your an actor with a really depressing role, and the next day you have to be yourself again. Today, I am myself again. I will probably never know why I was so sad yesterday, maybe I was missing someone, maybe I just didn't feel up to life. Everyday isn't going to be your best day. Some days your going to cry, get angry and  you wont know why and that is perfectly fine. We cant always be happy because we are human, sometimes feelings come like a title wave and swallow us whole. Remember who you are when this happens. Remember that a feeling is taking over your body and it will soon pass. You aren't defined by the sadness or anger that tries to take you over. You are allowed to be sad, angry but then get up and be happy. Allow yourself a day of complete disaster and then stand up, brush yourself off and keep moving. If I stayed reliving yesterday I wouldn't be able to function. When you are sad be sad, but when you are happy embrace the beauty in it and cherish it, let happiness be what defines you and your life.  Let sadness take over when need be, but also let it pass. Everything bad soon will pass and you will feel much better knowing that sadness and anger like happiness, are also blessings.

I Forgot

I almost forgot

what it felt like to have your hands wrapped around me in a warm embrace. I forgot how it felt to hear you laugh, to see you smile. Through all the rage and anger I almost forgot what it was like to love you. I forgot how much of you shines through my very being. I forgot how you used to make me chicken and pasta salad on occasions, and how those occasions were always my favorite. I forgot how important I felt holding your hand and how you used to brush off my skinned knees. I forgot how you once made me happy when all I wanted to do was cry. There's so much about you that I forgot existed because all I saw was your mistakes. I forgot how you can make me laugh, and how you once removed gum that was embedded in the snarls of my hair.At that time I never thought I'd forget those things and then it all changed, you changed and I grew up and I forgot. I forgot how you used to tickle me with your small hands that look a lot like mine. I forgot how long you'd search for me because I would always fall asleep in unknown places. I forgot about all of the choir concerts you attended and my first grade graduation. I forgot about the braids put in my hair by your skilled, slow working fingers, and how you'd spray my hair with hairspray but it would always fall out anyways.I forgot that you were there when my hair was past my butt and I decided to chop it off, you pleaded for me to keep it but I chopped it off to my chin anyways. I forgot the time I got lice from the neighbor kids and you washed all my pink sheets. I forgot about the mayo you put in my hair to suffocate the lice and how many hours it took you. I forgot how much we laughed because my hair smelt like mayo for days.I forgot the happy moments because I was to busy being angry. I was to mad and to hurt by your mistakes I forgot that I love you. I was seeing red when I should be working on forgiveness. I was mad at you for doing things I couldn't understand, I was hurt for not getting the answers. I forgot what it felt like to have a mom and you forgot what it was like to have a daughter. I forgot that you have loved me for who I am, flesh and blood, through all the stupid choices, through all the mistakes yet I couldn't forgive you. You are my mom, you weren't supposed to make mistakes, you were supposed to be grown up, to know better, to know how you  were tearing down my little world. I forgot how to love you when I was 12 years old because when I was 12 years old my world came tumbling down. I forgot that love was even an option. I grew a heavy angry heart. I forgot that you were once my best friend, my only friend. I forgot about the sleep outs in the back yard, using pool floaties as our mattresses. I am sorry mom. I am sorry I forgot how to love you because I was to busy hurting you, to busy trying to make you feel bad for the things you had done. I am sorry you hurt me and I never saw forgiveness as an option. I am sorry that I grew up mad at you. I am sorry I have hated you for so long, when you have taught me how to be strong. I am sorry it has taken me this long to work on forgiving you. I am trying, not for just your sake but for mine. I miss remembering moments, I miss what it felt like to not be angry.I forgot what it was like for you to hold me when I'm sick, I forgot how it felt for you to love me. Sometimes now that I am older I wish you would hold me when I'm sick. I wish I knew what medicine to get for my coughs, and how to use a vaporizer. I am sorry I grew so angry. I am sorry I broke your heart, but you broke mine. Now I am grown up and that is all over, it has passed and I am sick and tired of being angry. I am sick of forgetting. I didn't stop loving you I just forgot how. I am sorry.

Understand yourself

The best thing

 you can do for yourself is to sit with your pain. Soak it up into your pours and analyze it. Understand why you feel the way you do. Once you are in tune with your feelings you can then resolve them and make peace with them. I am at peace with myself, with my life. Finally. I understand that it is a natural thing to hurt, to be angry. It is what you do with that energy that matters. If you channel that pain and anger into positive things like a blog, yoga,or a sport sooner or later it will no longer be a pain stabbing into your chest, it will be a memory you are at peace with. I am at peace with my life and the things that have caused me pain and anger. I understand that everything happens for a reason. I now look at the memories as lessons and blessings. I am proud to be where I am, to be able to talk about my past without flinching. I am proud of my accomplishments and the person I am growing into. I am a soul at peace and it finally feels right. I woke up the other morning and a calm feeling wrapped around my heart and engulfed it. I feel as though I am walking into a new light of calmness and serenity. I understand that the universe only gives me what I can handle, what I can overcome. I am ready to better myself and make every day count. You cannot live in the past and expect yourself to grow. New memories and moments await you, chase them and make the most of what life has given you now. You are alive and you are surrounded by beauty, learn to bask in the greatness of it. You have to let go of what has hurt you, what has caused you anger. The only way to do that is to make peace. Understand that you cannot control most situations, you can only control how you handle them and how you let them effect you. You are the only one who can set you free. Live in this moment and learn to let go. Your life will become beautiful and something you feel like you have control over. It will become easy, stress free and  you will be happy. I am a firm believer in forgiveness, even if someone didn't tell you sorry. The forgiveness isn't for whoever you are forgiving,it is for yourself so that you can move on and let go. Be happy, and when your angry be angry. Do an angry chant or punch a pillow, its healthier and feels better than you think. Be in tune with every feeling that overcomes you because it is there for a reason. Listen to that reason, ask yourself why you feel that way and how you can make it better. You have to understand yourself. Except every part of you, so that you can understand the effect others have on you, and then you can understand them in general. Society tells us its bad to be angry, to cry, to be sad. They don't tell you its natural, to embrace it. They want you to tune it out, bottle it up. The truth is it is natural. I don't know one person who is always happy, you have your downsides, your bad days, your moments. Shutting these feelings out does nothing, I shut mine out for a long time. I now embrace them, let them come and overwhelm me. Sometimes its good to be overwhelmed with a feeling no matter what feeling that is. Feelings are part of who you are, embrace them and let them free. Society could never be more wrong. Remember who you are, what your trying to become and that your feelings, regardless of what feelings they are, is a part of all of that.