Tattoos, Cigarettes, and Cold Shoulders

Feeling free

is a feeling that I will never part with. This last weekend I went to Crystal hot springs with some of my friends and some new acquainted friends. There was a new acquaintance that came, he was a boy and I thought he was very attractive he had blue eyes and perfect teeth. He had tattoos and smoked cigarettes (the smoking part was very unattractive) but I have a tendency to fall for men like that, men who are boys. Who pretend to be withdrawn, to pretend that the don't know how to love and don't know how to quit smoking. I threatened to throw him in the pool when we first got there and he said we will see with a smirk on his face. The moment I walked out of the women's locker room he chased me, threw me over his shoulder, and jumped into the pool with me. I died of laughter as he said "I told you we'd see" We clicked. From the moment I saw him getting into the car to come with us. I could feel it, it felt natural to be around him, to laugh with him. We spent a lot of the time at Crystal goofing off and laughing together, he danced with me to, as he called it, "the song in his head" he spun me around in the murky hot water while humming like it was the only thing he knew how to do. I laughed and asked him what we were doing and he said we were dancing even though he has never danced before. I felt free. That moment was my moment of freedom, everyone was staring at us but I just didn't care. He held my hand the rest of the trip and we took turns dunking each other under the salty water. My cousin was with us and she asked, so do you like him? Do you think you two will date? I hated her questions because I didn't want to think of them, I didn't want my hopes to overwhelm me, I just wanted to live in that moment I was having with a stranger who had tattoos and blue eyes. Just like a lot of other moments I have had in my life, that one too came to an end. Me and my cousin spent the rest of the night with tattoo boy and his brother who my cousin was dating, laughing and having fun. I fell asleep on his couch and woke up at 8:00 am with a blanket he had covered me up with. I went home while he was still sleeping, without getting his number and without telling him mine. I had hoped he would ask his brother to ask my cousin for it, but he never did.... his brother messaged me telling me sorry if his brother never talks to me, that's just the way he "is". whatever that means.... I am that kind of girl I guess "Its just the way I am":... the kind to fall for boys who don't know how to love. Who don't know how to call you back, ask for your number, or say sorry for leading you on... who are to afraid for next steps, friendships, and long term promises but you see, that is okay. Its okay because I can feel free. I can live in moments and literally dance in them. I can have fun and remember what joy someone brought me even if it was for a split second in my life. I expect more from people than they are willing, or can give and that is my flaw. Love just doesn't happen like that... life just doesn't happen like that. Not everyone will want you like you want them but just remember, that is okay because these moments, the little ones like dancing in a hot tub they make up your life and your life is pretty damn magnificent all on your own, without a boy who doesn't know how to love, who doesn't know how to say sorry or to have friends. Stop expecting and just live!!

What Does Seven Years Mean to You?

When 

your very first long time friendship falls apart try not to cry, actually I take that back. Cry as much as you want because it hurts I know. Its like your first serious breakup all over again. You never thought you and your ride or die, stand by you forever, friendship would end but sometimes with adulthood they do end. The friendship cant survive under the weight of life and its the most horrible thing to ever happen.  Mine ended at the first of this month, when I made a decision, a decision that I didn't want to pretend any longer that the inevitable was happening. My best friend and I had been growing apart for months and months, no more long phone calls, hardly any texts, we started fighting about not talking constantly. I was starting to not even know who she was, maybe it was my fault, maybe it was hers or maybe I can just blame it on life itself. She is on a different level of life than I am, she has a beautiful little girl and will soon be getting married to the love of her life, but me, I wont be there to attend (I don't think I am invited any longer). I took myself off of the maid of honor duty... I started to feel like I wasn't included in the wedding, I started to feel like I was asked to help plan a wedding for someone I hardly knew. I felt misplaced, pushed away, used, and really really sad.  I am not blaming her, I love her with all my heart. I am blaming our growth as individuals. I am growing into the young adult I have been trying to be, with attending two schools and juggling work and family time and she is growing into a woman, a woman I really do admire. She has bought a house, is settling down with someone special, maybe that's why we avoid talking.... our lives are just so different now maybe we can no longer relate to one another and that is what life does to you. I was crushed to be the bad guy, to tell her how much the pretending to be close was killing me. Her response will forever be in my head repeating itself; "Shows me what seven years of friendship means to you Meag" it killed me, every second of it, the fact that she has now deleted me off of Facebook, the fact that she is angry at me for a friendship that had already started to end and wasn't my fault. It ended the moment we stopped talking for whatever reason, the moment we stopped confiding in each other and calling each other when we were sad, stressed, or even happy. I am just as angry as she is for the loss of our friendship, I am angry about how much I feel replaced by a man she loves, how much she no longer confides in me and confides in him instead. I am angry that I cant understand that because I have never been in love, I have never attempted marriage or moved in with anyone. I cannot begin to understand what she is going through because I have never been there but I also couldn't continue to try so hard to understand when life would push me away from her. One of the friendships I hold most dearest to my heart has ended... and my life will forever be changed by that. I will always love my best friend because no matter what that is what she will be, no matter how much our friendship has died or grown apart. I wish her the very very best in life always. An ending of a friendship is hard, very hard and I hope you never have to experience that or have to be the one to say you are sick of hurting over a friendship that is falling apart. Life isn't always easy and I am sorry for that, but the hard moments are what gives us strength just remember that. People enter and leave your life for a reason weather you like it or not, embrace it.

Awaiting Love

I ran,

Thought, prayed, and pondered so long that the people who once loved me have now forgotten how. Don't stop to think about love, just do it. Shine it out of your body like a raidiating sunbeam. If you do not love darling, how do you expect others to love you back? Without love what you'll receive is darkness, darkness that a light switch isn't able to help. Tell them you love them, for love waits for no one, not even you.

A Heater for A Back

I woke

up with you on the side of the bed next to me, in the spot you always used to be in, in your bed. Your hair was a frazzled mess and you were sleeping peacefully. My chest was against your back and I could feel your body heat radiating, serving as my heater. I missed this I thought to myself, I missed you. It had been to long since the last time I watched you sleeping, since the last time I felt your skin against mine. I would sacrifice a lot for that moment, I decided because in that moment I knew what love was. I knew that through all the bullshit at the end of every day this is where I wouldn't mind waking up and falling asleep. I could watch you sleep like that for hours, watch your back rise and fall with every breath, listening to you breathing not in a creepy way but in a way where I admire your whole being, everything that you are. I knew I would have to get up eventually, go home, go back to us not talking, go back to reality but in that moment time froze and all I could feel was love and happiness I was truly, deeply, engulfed in happiness. You do that to me, I hope you know. When I am with you I can forget about everything, breathe easier, I can laugh and relax. You are my only vice and that makes you deadly. That makes every time I walk away harder, that makes you unable to forget. I laid there, ran my fingers through your hair and said your name to try and tell you I was leaving, daylight was coming and reality was calling my name. My heart was pulling at my body, telling me to stay in that moment, to keep my fingers in your hair and my chest against your heater of a back. You woke up, rolled over and wrapped your long arms around my body, pulling me into your chest and squeezing me tight like you also knew this could be the last moment we had. There were so many things I wanted to say, that I wanted to ask you in that moment but I didn't want to ruin it, our secret fantasy of love. For once I wanted to keep the moment sacred, I didn't want to fight about what we were and what we were not. I already knew what we were and what we weren't and both of those things were a tragedy and I would never persuade you to believe otherwise so what was the point of discussing it? In reality, we were two people who have become strangers lying in a bed together for one last time. When I thought of it that way, it made me sad it made me realize how much our story has effected me, how much it has torn me apart yet also pulled me together. You were the best and worst thing to ever happen to me all at the same time. I think that's why I tried so hard to keep our love alive, why I came over and slept with my chest against your back. Why I lied to myself, telling myself it will be okay, telling myself to not ask questions just enjoy this moment because sometimes the questions aren't worth the destruction of a perfect moment like the one we were having. That perfect moment was shaken awake anyways, by daylight and by my own realization of reality. The things we will do for love, to feel loved, to share a moment with someone else are insane. We would cause our own self destruction if it meant holding on to one last glimpse and shimmering hope of love.

Perceptions Need Saving too.

The world

was so much simpler when you believe that everything in the world is genuinely good. When you didn't realize that pollution was ruining the earth, when you didn't realize that one day that boy you played tag with at recess will eventually break your heart. When things are genuinely, truly, unmistakably good. You don't realize that things aren't so good until your left crying on the bathroom floor for nights in a row. Until you go to every pitch fork, sign holding event to fight for the planet you live on. The pain that people feel is unexplained until you feel it yourself. You don't understand why your mommy cries late at night until you grow up and your the one watching your tears fall as you say to yourself "ahhh here it is, the moment I told myself I would never have, the one I would never understand." You grow up and fairy tales disappear, the things you were unaware of and could never dream of happening are happening. The world becomes not so much of your imagination anymore and you are left to wonder what happened, had the world always been like this? You stop believing in the good, you stop believing that some man somewhere out there is destined to not break your heart, to save you. Any second you walk out your door your destined to break, break in ways you never would have imagined when you were five. People teach you these terrible things, how to fill your heart with bitterness, how to blame your broken heart on a person instead of  wrong timing, or a wrong connection. You are taught that people are cruel, that they ruin the world and they ruin your heart, your self-esteem, your hope, your ego. The forget to tell you about the little moments, the moments where for a split second everything is okay. The times when the pollution creates the most beautiful sunset, and for a moment you forget that the red color in the sky is caused by pollution from our cars. You forget about that homeless mans smile as you handed him some food on your way out the grocery store. You forget the time that person who broke your heart actually saved you, actually helped you discover little pieces of yourself you didn't even know existed. People forget to mention the times you wake up and right outside your window is a full moon, reminding you of your purpose and what your life is worth. You forget. We all forget what life is actually worth. How much fairy tales there actually are in the little moments, how there are different ways we could look at the scenarios that we cant fix. Maybe the world is genuinely good, maybe you don't have to be angry about your broken heart. Maybe there's a little piece of you that remembers to smile, that remembers that life happens and everything is going to be okay. Some things are genuinely good, like sleeping in on a  Saturday, or waking up early on the exact same Saturday to run your heart out, with nothing but the sound of birds and the pounding of your own two feet. There is magic in the way that stranger stares at you in the grocery store and there is magic in that kitten you found on the side of the road because someone left him there in a box, without even a blanket. There is good in the moments you choose to make good, its all about perception and the way your willing to see things. Is it an abandoned kitten, or is it now a kitten who has been saved? Perception Perception Perception. Maybe you saw things as genuinely good when you were little because that's what they were, because you believed no differently, no one taught you otherwise. Possibly the same thing can happen now. maybe the world could be genuinely good because you refuse to see it differently? Change your perspective and you change your life...