I Can't Find You.

Your gone

I no longer know where to look to find you. You are hiding in the clouds or in the breeze that sweeps over my face and makes my hair dance. I cant remember the last time we hugged. The last time I heard you laugh. You have been hiding, where are you? I don't see you in the shadows that dance across your grave, I have never seen you there. Its just a resting place for your body while your spirit soars somewhere else. I cant stand there for too long, it feels wrong, it feels awkward, like someone else is laying underneath that patch of grass. It cant be you, can it?  Your not gone you cant be. I tell myself that everyday. I tell myself that you will show up at the next family party with your dance moves and your laughs. The next family party comes, and your not there. Where can you be? I cant feel you anymore and its making me nervous. Its making me scared that you are really gone. There are no more little signs that you are still on earth. There are no more blue birds or dreams of you. How can I find you? I am scared that you have left me here. Left me here to figure it all out on my own. How could that happen? You would not leave me. I feel it. I feel the emptiness that comes with you being gone. I feel it all around me, in my heart, my moms heart, and my sisters. I see them crying and sometimes I think its secretly for you.  It breaks my heart. I want to heal them like you would. I want to wrap them in my arms and tell them that you are here. Here inside my heart that your not hiding, but I'm not so sure if that's true anymore. I cant find you. Tell me how I am supposed to fix them? Tell me how you heal someone in mourning? Tell me something. Anything. I want to feel you again. I want to see your face light up. I want you to see this tattoo on my back, the one I cried after getting. It is so beautiful and I got it just for you, just so that I could feel you, I could see you watching over me. I cant find you and I am angry. Angry that someone took you away from me, away from your family. I want to scream some days because I cant stand the pain, its pain that I don't know what to do with, it just lingers there. Where have you gone? Please tell me your here. Please tell me you will hug me tomorrow. I need to see you, to feel you. I know where you are hiding. I think I know where you have gone. It is somewhere I cant go, somewhere I cant reach. Somewhere beautiful people go. I have found you. I found you sitting on a cloud with hiking shorts and tivas on. You came to me in a dream and hugged me so tight. You told me its okay and then you walked away. I found you last night in the tears that hit my pillow case from the dream you came to me in. I found you younger. I found you healthy and happy. I found you sitting with Willow on a cloud. You didn't leave me. I knew you wouldn't. I can feel you. I can feel you in the hearts of my family. I can feel you tell me how beautiful my tattoo is. I can hear you laugh if I think hard enough. You have gone to heaven but I can feel you visit me. You are not gone. Thank goodness you are not gone. I need this piece of you. I need something to remind me of how to feel, how to be happy. I need you, we all need you and you are right here. Right here inside us, inside our hearts. I looked at the heart of my family members and I found you. Thank goodness I found you. I miss you.


Dedicated to all those who are in mourning, it never gets easier but time has a way of healing all wounds.