Getting Over the Humps

Sometimes

I break down and I cry. Today just happened to be one of those days. I took my tear filled eyes into a bathroom stall and let my tears of stress fall onto the tiled floor. That is until someone walked into the bathroom. I then wiped my tears, came out of the stall,with bright red eyes and a girl staring at me asking if I am okay. I smiled big and said I was fine. I am good at that, being happy when I am sad. I am also apparently good at crying. I have moments, moments of stress and anxiety that make me just cry without wanting to, that make me feel lost, make me panic. Its anxiety overwhelming me, a disorder I was once diagnosed with, and then told not to think of it as a disease or something terrible. Well it is terrible, the feeling sucks. The thing is though, is that I fight it. Every second of everyday. Sometimes things happen all at once and it makes me cave and I cry, I cry for as long as it takes, 20 seconds, 1 minute, an hour. Then I get up, I smile and I try my best to forget about whats overwhelming me. High moments of stress are hard to overcome sometimes, sometimes I get a pain in my chest that wont go away for a long period of time. The first time I got that feeling was in a parking lot and I was afraid I was dying. I called my dad and cried and asked him what was happening to me, he said he wasn't sure and that maybe it was an anxiety attack, they run in our family he said. I didn't know what to do so I just held my breath and tried to feel my heart again. I think this is why I believe so highly in surrounding myself in peaceful, beautiful things. I don't want to feel that feeling ever again, I don't want to lack that kind of control over my mind effecting my body, but I do. I have the uncontrollable crying that I am working hard at overcoming. When you have anxiety and depression its harder to be happy even when people say "just stop thinking about it, just let it go and be happy" they don't understand how much effort it takes to actually do that. It feels like your brain wont let you. It just keeps repeating itself over and over the same stressful thing and you cant let go. You want to, trust me, you want to so bad it hurts but your brain is a powerful thing, and you will is a weak competitor. In the end, I always end up winning, eventually. Life is to short to be unhappy, to be filled with stress, anxiety, depression, anger, sadness. I am in a battle I work hard everyday to overcome, but I do it. I do it one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. I will not be conformed to antidepressant pills or anti-anxiety medication. I believe that my brain got my body into this mess so my body can get my brain out. I have found outlets for my anxiety and depression. I go to the gym, even when my brain says it doesn't feel like it, I write loud and clear about what hurts, I do yoga when things get really bad, and I take a deep breath. Then I climb out of the hole I put myself in. If you suffer from anxiety, depression, or any other disorder I am telling you right now you are not alone and there are ways of overcoming it that doesn't involve being highly medicated. You are in control of your body and your mind you just have to keep telling yourself that. Do not let your brain fool you, and do not give in. This is your life and you must fight to live it every single day, because if your not living your dying. Do not give up. You got this.

Green isn't Everything

I am not

someone who grew up in a rich family. I didn't get a brand new car for my 16th birthday and I don't have unlimited funding to go to whichever college I please. Growing up my parents were separated. They have been since I can remember. My dad is a hard working man who raised four kids and goes to work at the crack of dawn to do so. My mother went from job to job and we moved around from a renters house to another renters house. My step mom is a wonderful woman who would do anything for her kids and she works at a job that is far less than her dream job to give us kids whatever we need.My parents taught me what hard working means. What it means to earn everything you want. Me and my siblings earned the things we wanted by doing chores or helping where ever we could. Neither of my parents were poor but they didn't have a money tree in their backyard either. We ate a lot of Ramen noodles, and we also ate a lot of good food too. Having this type of upbringing taught me that money isn't what I should live for. Of course my parents push me to get a high paying job and go to college but that is because they don't want to see me struggle, to have to worry about money like they do. The thing is, I don't care. I don't care about money at all. I will never be one who searches for a rich husband or chooses a job because of how much it pays. I don't think all the money in the world could bring me happiness. I wouldn't mind being broke if it meant traveling. If it meant living my life outside of an office, exploring. You need money to travel but you don't need much. The memories you could make are worth it all. I have never traveled very far from my home town. The farthest I have been is California and Arizona. I want to change that. I wouldn't mind not knowing where I was going to stay, not knowing how to pay for my flight home. I just want to learn all I can from other people, other cities. I want to visit sights I have only seen in pictures and if that means being broke I will be happy to be it. You can't take money to your grave and I think people forget that. I want memories, I don't want to worry about a piece of paper when I could be worrying about who I am going to take with me on my adventures. We get so wrapped up in money that money drives us to live. I don't feel like that is right. I think that your life and making it fun and happy is what should drive you to live. The hardest part for me is being scared of the unknown, I always have to know what is going to happen and I believe that has held me back from accomplishing a lot of my dreams in my life. I always have to have a plan because I am scared otherwise. I would like to overcome this and stop planning and start living. I recently met someone who is the complete opposite of me in that aspect, He has stopped planning and started living. I am both jealous and in awe of him. I recently told him my dreams of going to Disneyland for my 21st birthday. He was excited and said lets make it happen!! Now my dream that I thought was impossible because I am to afraid, is becoming real. We are both saving up to go to not only Disneyland but also LegoLand and Sea world. I have never thought my dream would happen. I was always afraid of not having enough money to go, or that something would happen. I was basically making up excuses for reasons why I couldn't, but I can. I can and I will. Stop letting money be your deciding factor on if you're happy or not. Go out there and grab your happiness. I promise you don't need money as much as you think you do to do so. Anything is possible if you want it bad enough, with or without money.

Say Next Week.

Dating advice

is complicated. I recently got advice from a male that shocked me. I was telling him about a man I have gone on a couple dates with recently and how I like him and we are planning on going on another date tonight. The male who gave me the advice we will just name Bob. Original I know. Anyways, Bob said do you want my advice about the situation? I said sure, I am always open to hear other peoples advice since I don't go on dates hardly ever. Bob said I would tell him you cant. Tell him you cant this week but maybe next week. This will let him know that your time is valuable. That he cant use you whenever he wants. I stared at Bob like he was crazy. This would be assuming that every guy is going to use me. It would also consist of me changing my own personality. If I like someone I am going to show it. I am going to woman up, and see them when the opportunity comes up. Why would I play mind games and pretend I have something going on when we all know I don't? Wouldn't that make me a liar? Plus, if things didn't work out wouldn't I be dragging out the inevitable? The only way to get to know someone is to spend time with them. Wouldn't this man feel like I didn't like him if I kept "putting off" our dates? I didn't see Bobs logic. It made me question things though. Why do we play so many games when dating? Whats wrong with showing up and being unapologetically yourself? Why do you have to act different, wear different clothes than you normally would? This is me. This is who I am. Why would I change for one night? If you like me you have to like me for who I am now or there is no point. In my eyes every one's time is valuable. This is life. This is your life and it ticks by every second. If someone is willing to waste a minute of their time with anyone else then both people are lucky.Spending time getting to know another soul is amazing no matter who's soul it is. Someone has opened their life to you and brought you in, that is something amazing within itself. I am not going to punish this man just because my time is valuable. I think he knows that. From my point of view, his time is just as valuable as mine. Why would I make him waste it? This is your life and it is passing you by. I feel like you should jump head on into the things and the people you enjoy, if not whats the point of living? I enjoy this man. He makes me laugh. How will I ever know the potential of our relationship if I don't take chances? If I play games and pretend? I am not scared. I know that if it doesn't work out it just wasn't meant to be and if it does it could make me very happy so what do I have to lose? I don't think I need dating advice. I don't think I will ask anyone for dating advice or read magazines or articles about dating. I think the best advice anyone needs is to trust yourself. Believe that you know what you are doing and just be yourself. If its meant to be it will work, if not you had good memories while it lasted because you put your whole heart into it. Live in the moment and enjoy the people that enter your life, they are as much a blessing as anything else.

"A chance is a terrible thing to waste"- Rob Hill

I Can't Find You.

Your gone

I no longer know where to look to find you. You are hiding in the clouds or in the breeze that sweeps over my face and makes my hair dance. I cant remember the last time we hugged. The last time I heard you laugh. You have been hiding, where are you? I don't see you in the shadows that dance across your grave, I have never seen you there. Its just a resting place for your body while your spirit soars somewhere else. I cant stand there for too long, it feels wrong, it feels awkward, like someone else is laying underneath that patch of grass. It cant be you, can it?  Your not gone you cant be. I tell myself that everyday. I tell myself that you will show up at the next family party with your dance moves and your laughs. The next family party comes, and your not there. Where can you be? I cant feel you anymore and its making me nervous. Its making me scared that you are really gone. There are no more little signs that you are still on earth. There are no more blue birds or dreams of you. How can I find you? I am scared that you have left me here. Left me here to figure it all out on my own. How could that happen? You would not leave me. I feel it. I feel the emptiness that comes with you being gone. I feel it all around me, in my heart, my moms heart, and my sisters. I see them crying and sometimes I think its secretly for you.  It breaks my heart. I want to heal them like you would. I want to wrap them in my arms and tell them that you are here. Here inside my heart that your not hiding, but I'm not so sure if that's true anymore. I cant find you. Tell me how I am supposed to fix them? Tell me how you heal someone in mourning? Tell me something. Anything. I want to feel you again. I want to see your face light up. I want you to see this tattoo on my back, the one I cried after getting. It is so beautiful and I got it just for you, just so that I could feel you, I could see you watching over me. I cant find you and I am angry. Angry that someone took you away from me, away from your family. I want to scream some days because I cant stand the pain, its pain that I don't know what to do with, it just lingers there. Where have you gone? Please tell me your here. Please tell me you will hug me tomorrow. I need to see you, to feel you. I know where you are hiding. I think I know where you have gone. It is somewhere I cant go, somewhere I cant reach. Somewhere beautiful people go. I have found you. I found you sitting on a cloud with hiking shorts and tivas on. You came to me in a dream and hugged me so tight. You told me its okay and then you walked away. I found you last night in the tears that hit my pillow case from the dream you came to me in. I found you younger. I found you healthy and happy. I found you sitting with Willow on a cloud. You didn't leave me. I knew you wouldn't. I can feel you. I can feel you in the hearts of my family. I can feel you tell me how beautiful my tattoo is. I can hear you laugh if I think hard enough. You have gone to heaven but I can feel you visit me. You are not gone. Thank goodness you are not gone. I need this piece of you. I need something to remind me of how to feel, how to be happy. I need you, we all need you and you are right here. Right here inside us, inside our hearts. I looked at the heart of my family members and I found you. Thank goodness I found you. I miss you.


Dedicated to all those who are in mourning, it never gets easier but time has a way of healing all wounds.