I feel
dead. Dead inside, outside all around dead. I haven't written something for weeks, the words do not come to me anymore and I feel hollow. I feel like a carved out pumpkin with all my insides lying on the table. Life is a roller coaster of stress which I think stops me from thinking rationally. Stops me from thinking of the things I am feeling, therefore I cant write. It scares me because it all used to come so easily, from deep down in my soul then it just stopped. I have been questioning myself and the type of human I am, the type of human I want to be. What kind of life do I want? I have taken solitude outside of writing. I now find it in blades of grass and dirty feet. I have learned how relaxing it is to take my shoes off and walk in circles in the grass in my front yard. I am sure my neighbors think I am crazy but I find solitude there, peace there. Some days I feel like I cannot breathe and air wont come to me. Like a fish outside of water. I feel suffocated, drowning. I think I am evolving and I am not sure exactly what that means but I feel it. I feel like half my present self, and half someone I used to be. I hope you can relate to me when I say that... and if you cant that is fine too. People say we all grow, we all change but I think the truth is we evolve because its a slow painful process where you feel stuck and not stuck all at the same time. I am a wanderer who is just trying to find my place in the world. Trying to find somewhere good to plant myself. I have come to discover many things, such as how loneliness doesn't always equal sadness and how not washing my hair is no longer important. I am learning that this life is about making myself happy and making others happy in the process of that. I am learning how important it is to get down deep into my own soul and process things, even if it is painful and scary. I am sorry I do not write lately. I am sorry that I cant explain to you why either, because I am not so sure. I want to feel again, to not feel hollow but I think you have to go through the process first, you have to go where the wind takes you and right now, for me its right here right now in this moment. I hope you let yourself evolve, that you let yourself shed your skin and step into the light of who you really are deep deep down beneath the surface. I am off soul searching and so far I have discovered the importance of blades of grass, dirty feet, and evolving into your own true self and for me, in this moment that is what matters.
