Gifts aren't always from the living.

Theres a Robin

that sits outside my window at work. There is two trees in front of this giant window that basically takes up the length of a wall.(for those of you who don't know I'm a receptionist.) This robin is a healthy looking one, with a gorgeous red belly and he looks well fed. He arrives in the same tree, same branch every morning I come into work. There is not a day where I dont expect to see it there. He will come and go all throughout the day, everyday. This beautiful bird is always alone, just staring off pertched in his tree. I always get excited to see him there, he gives me a sense of comfort, a feeling of overwhelming happiness. Its funny how little things like that can brighten your mood, you dont know this bird, he is not a pet, you haven't named him, nor will you ever name him. You just enjoy his presence, the feeling that he is stopping by just to say hello to you. The weird part is, that this tree has nothing to offer this Robin. Its a small tree, barely growing, probably even planted not to long ago. This tree has no leaves, for the winter has stolen them from it, there is no shelter, nor food that this tree could offer this plump bird. He just sits, chirps, and ruffels his feathers while sitting on the same branch. I could watch him for hours, wondering what its like to be a bird, to sit in a tree if you please, or fly around with a flicker of a wing. I have been trying to figure out for days now why this little bird comes to this tree every day. I came to a conclusion that weather its for me or not, I will say that it is. I think my grandma sent him to me, to keep me calm, to remind me that you have to enjoy the little things, to take everything in. That I need to remember what truly makes me happy and that my money, job, or relationship problems are trully insignificant if you look around and realize what really matters. I might be looking to far into this and overthinking it but I looked up what a robin symbolizes, what I saw amazed me. The Robin symbolizes rejuvenation, happiness, clarity, and satisfaction.  I am going through a time in my life where I am growing from a young girl into a woman, I am realizing what I want with my life, the kind of person I want to become. The fact that the Robin symbolzes all the things I am going through and trying to learn makes me believe that I am right, that my grandma sent him here to remind me to stay true to who I am and who I want to become. I think whatever higher being it is that is up there took my grandma because he needed her, but he also realized how much we need her down here too. I know I bring this subject up a lot in my blog, how much I miss her, how inspirational she was and still is to me, but I feel like even though she isn't pyshically here she is here in her spirit, she helps me everyday. I can feel her, in the wind or in little signs like the Robin that stop through my life. I wanted to tell you about this because I feel like its not just my grandma who can reach out to people. If you have lost someone you care about, someone you love, I am trully sorry but I want you to realize how great of a gift it is for you to have someone to watch over you, to bless you with small "signs" and gifts without you even realizing sometimes that it was them all along. I think my grandma enjoys this, enjoys coming into her famlies lives weather it be through dreams,smells,situations, or thoughts she surrounds us with happiness still. I can no longer feel sad that my grandma isnt with me,because she is everyday. I cant pyshically touch her, or hear her laughter which trully breaks my heart, but I can see her spirit growing through the actions of my step mom, through my cousins, and the rest of my family. She is here in our hearts and thats one thing you have to remember is please dont become so overwhelmed with Greif that it turns you cold, don't let death make you a sad person, realize that they are only gone for now, and that they arent really gone. You live on through them, by passing on what they taught you, by being a good example. Your loved ones wouldnt want you to cry for them, they wouldnt want you to let yourself become so sad that you no longer go on living this life you were blessed with. They are watching over you, and want to see you happy. Enjoy the "Robins" they send you and stay happy because I'm sure they go through a lot of effort to make gifts like the one I recieve every moring possible. Show them you care and that your living by passing on what they taught you, by talking about the memories, by living your life because thats all they would want  you to do.

Flaws and Imperfections

The way

his feet slushed through the snow like a higher being walking on water was the most graceful thing I have ever seen. The slow second it took for him to slip on the ice, frozen to the ground like it was afraid to dissapear, was even more talented. I fell in love with that man. The one I took in every morning, his hair a crazy mess and his breath the most awful renching smell to ever exsist. That was him in his most honest, beautiful form. I took his hand as he sat on the now melting ice and pulled, suddenly I realized I would now meet the same fate he did. My feet sliding out from underneath me, I toppled over onto my not so well rounded butt. He laughed until he couldn't breathe, stood up and helped me up off my now cold and wet butt. I wanted to kill him for laughing at me so hard when not only moments ago I was watching him do the exact same thing, holding back my laughter for his sake. It only took a moment for me to get over the fact that he was laughing at me. Oh how I loved his laugh, and the smile he beamed when he used it. I fell for him every second of every day, this man who drove me absolutly crazy yet kept me totally sane. I wanted to pull him close and breathe him in every second that I could. The way he looked at me was enough to melt all the thick ice that covered our driveway. Walking hand in hand with this man was like being queen and walking out to greet your country. I couldn't get enough, and amazingly the look on his face made me believe that he felt the exact same way. This lovely creature felt blessed to have me, he loved me for the way I am, the way I'm clumbsy, the way I made mistakes, even the way I looked in the morning. Thinking about this made me realize how our love was flawed, flawed to profection. He drove me nuts every day, pulled my hair, tickled my feet, and refused to pick a movie on sunday nights. I absoultly hated the way he licked his lips with his long tounge when that one resturant sounded amazing to him. I hated the way he'd leave the toilet seat up. The funny part is, the things I hated about him were the things I fell in love with. I realized how imperfect he was and I took it all in, it was heavenly, it stunned me into a stary eyed state of mind I couldnt seem to escape. It was a breath of fresh air to find someone who was flawed, who used his flaws as his most finest gifts. He didnt need to pretend, didnt need a prosona to protect him. That is what made me realize that I didnt either, I could have wild hair and not be ashamed of it, I could go to sleep without makeup on, not fearing if he saw what I looked like without it. I fell in love with the man who took in my imperfections and made them his idea of perfect. He thought I was lovely with my hair undone, and no makeup to cover up what society considered my flaws. I think thats what got me, the fact that he made me feel like if someone else could love my flaws I could too. Its important to love yourself, so others can love you. This man showed me all his flaws before I could even ask what they were, because to him they weren't his flaws they were the things that made him who he was. His "flaws" were his very most gifting qualities they were real and untamed. He showed me that it was okay to be me, to have flaws and imbrace them, for that I am utterly greatful. Let people fall in love with you, not for the way you carry yourself gracefully, put for the way you slip, stumble, and yet still hold your head up high. The world needs more love like that, more love that is real and honest. Love isn't perfect, it has its flaws just like everyone and everything else, but  what makes it wonderful is that it is open to flaws, it excepts them, embraces them and makes them beautiful. I will always love you for your imperfections, for the way you drive me crazy, the way you make every moment of my life complicated and exilerating. You deserve my love a thousand times over for showing me what its like to love myself. That will always be the greatest gift you have ever blessed me with, and for that I thank you. I wrote this for my biggest blogger fan.

Healing Hearts and Learning Experiences

Healing.

Recently I have had some truama in my life. Someone I love hurt me in the most painful way. At first I was angry, screaming how could you do this to me?! How could you say you love me yet distroy my heart? I have recently written a post about this same topic but it wasn't as personal and it was angry, filled with angry words that came spilling out. I don't think that was fair. Fair of me to not put down how I really feel, to let my anger mask the hurt. I was very vague and not as honest as I wanted to be. It has now been maybe a  month or more since I walked in on someone I care about holding another woman. I try not to count the days. He might get mad at me posting this, but this is all I know how to let me feelings go, is to type. I also want to help others going through the same painful process. I have been working on forgiving him but it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt our relationship. We argue and somehow the topic of HER gets brought up out of anger and misunderstanding. Sometimes I cry at random times through out the day, I could be happy driving down the road and start bawling. For the first while I couldnt understand what SHE had that I didnt, why I wasn't good enough. I was hurt and I let my hurt turn into anger because it was the only way I felt somewhat better about the situation. Healing is hard, sertain situations like opening a door or wearing the same clothes you wore that day bring up the hurtful memories like it was yesterday. I am just taking it one day at a time and realizing that of course its going to hurt, its how I handle that hurt that matters. Its okay to cry, I have realized this. Holding it in can only make it worse because your bound to let it out one way or another, either with anger or tears that last longer, remember crying is part of the healing process. I remember asking him questions that I felt like I needed answers to, and him getting queit or even a little irritated because it hurt him just as much to talk about it. They were questions that were bound to just hurt me more, but I couldnt get the images out of my head, I still cant. I felt like I needed these answers for the images to go away, but it made them worse. I got to the point where I was silent about what was going on in my head, I no longer bring them up or say how much I hurt. Remeber that its okay to talk about it, in fact you SHOULD talk about it, bottling up emotions can never be good, this is something I'm working on. I understand I am healing. Nothing will make those images go away but time, and venting. I am working on forgiving him and realizing that his choices have nothing to do with me. Its not about how imperfect I am. This experience has taught me a lot about the kind of person I am. I am not writing this to make him feel bad or to make him seem like a bad person, because he isnt. Relationships arent easy. Just because something bad happens doesnt mean your life is over, it doesnt mean that you wont hurt, but it also doesnt mean you wont get through it. I am trying to be postive about the healing process I am going through, I am trying to be patient and understanding.. You have to take it one day at a time and let yourself heal. Realize that your partner made a mistake and it has nothing to do with you. Sooner or later your sadness will end, there will be no more crying, no more nightmares, or assumptions, and no more starting fights with your partner just to feel something. I want everyone to understand that even the people you love can hurt you, that healing from traumatic experiences are hard, and you find yourself expecting more from your partner because of this.. You will make it through it will love and support. Keep your head high and stay postive.Try to remember that staying angry or acting like everything is perfect wont help you heal. Try to communicate with them, tell them what is going on. You have to let your feelings out and realize what they mean and why they are there. Keep your head held high, things can only get better with time.

Love is in the air.

Soulmates?

I am not sure how I feel about this idea. Are you really destined to be with someone or is being "in love" a state of getting used to having someone around? I thought I had love all figured out,that my prince would arrive at my doorstep and I'd know with out a shadow of a doubt that he was the one. Wrong. So so wrong. As you know I have grown to be quite a love skeptic. How can I not be, tons of failed relationships and here I am. Not only that, you are capable of loving more than one person aren't you? So how does that work out? How is one person going to be "the one" for the rest of forever, when there are tons of other people cabable of loving them too? I fully believe that love is a choice, a full out hard, sometimes heartbreaking decision. You get to pick who you decide to be with dont you? Well then you must be able to pick who you stay with also. We are mammals, so what makes us so different then other mammals? Besides the fact that we have a language and walk on two legs instead of four. I believe that we are just the same in the "mate" aspect also. Its not all about feelings. Its about who would produce a good gene in an offspring, who would be faithful, and even who would support the family. We just allow our feelings to portray this for us. We say it hurts and we cant let go because we "love" them, but doesn't it really come down to the fact that we just spent so much time with them that we have become emotionaly attached? After a breakup it hurts like hell for so many months and then after a while you are ready to be single and mingle, once again looking for this perfect mate. If it wasnt for the feelings aspect, dont you think you could move on quickly? Isn't that the thing we always claim that holds us back from moving on? I think its a sad excuse to make finding someone a  more extravigant task than it actually is. Think about it, we find this so called person we are in love with, we get married to show other susepctable mates that we are no longer available, then we mate to raise our population, have offspring who then start this cycle all over again. I dont think love plays as big of a part as we think it does. I think its attachment, we start to rely on this person, doing daily tasks with this person, expecting them to be there for us in a time of need. We start to rely on them in some of the same ways we rely on our own parents. When this person leaves and decides its not working out for them we feel anxious, scared, torn apart, even lost because we dont have that safety net anymore. Isn't it true that even if your the one who ends the relationship you feel just as much emotional pain, so much so that you consider getting back with the person that you clearly said wasnt your type in the first place? I think its a vicous cycle of getting attached to someone and then not being able to just let go even though the relationship is toxic for you. It has nothing to do with "love" or that you were meant to be so you keep going back to them. No. This is just an easy, skewed way of telling people that you got emotionally attached and now you can't let go. It sounds more normal and romantic than saying that you picked that person for a mate and allowed yourself to get to close to soon so you became dependent on them. If you didnt become so dependent on this person do you think that you could let them go easier? Probably,but how can you not depend on them? Your looking for a mate, someone to help you reproduce and then help you survive the rest of you life. I think that is even more romantic and heartbreaking than the "love" concept we have gotten into our heads. We are all just animals, looking for a mate to depend on, and that isn't such a bad thing to think about in my opinion. If you looked for "love" in this mindset I wonder if it could even be easier to find that "special" someone, because now it no longer becomes just an emotional state it is now a state of life..

How to guide to life

I dont

have this so called how to guide to life. I dont think anyone does. I have been through a lot so I could tell you a lot of ways of how I have delt with things obviously, but I wouldn't guarantee my ways are fool proof. I have made plenty of mistakes and have done a ton of things that people dont agree with, but the one thing I am always proud to say is I have done things that I want to do. Things that have made me happy. That is what is most important with anything you do, always make sure it is what makes you happy. I wish I had this guide to life that was like one of those navigation devices you put in your car. That way it would warn me when I was taking a wrong turn and should turn around. Then again where would be the fun with that? When would you learn? When would you get to experience sadness and heartbreak? I have been told that there wouldnt be any happiness without knowing what sadness feels like. I believe that this is a very true saying because if you were always feeling the same you wouldnt know different until you felt different right? If you had a how to guide to life I guarantee that you would be the most mundane person alive, nothing would excite you or make you feel anything because you would always know whats coming. I like the fact that I can say I am happy just winging it. I have learned that you don't always have to have a plan and things dont always have to go your way for them to turn out beautiful. I am in a hard spot in my life lately, with my job and my love life but I know that I will be okay and whatever happens will happen. You just have to take things as they are and stop trying so hard to fix them to your liking. I used to have my whole life planned out and then I realized that life is to big of a thing to plan. Random things happen and theres nothing you can do about it, but realize that its obvioulsy where your meant to be at the moment. I fell in love with a guy who of course isnt perfect but he stole my heart. Our relationship hasnt always been the best and we have had a hard time lately so its the kind of time where I wish I knew what was coming and I wish I could say that it will go back to being fine again. I wish I could say we would forgive each other like nothing ever happened but who knows if that will happen. All I know is that he has been one of my best friends since I met him, and I'm not one to give up on best friends. I have been getting a lot of crap from people for accepting him in my life again. Some people haven't been very nice or accepting of this fact, but I'm the only one who gets to live my life, and I will be the one to deal with the consequences of what happens because of this, good or bad. People make mistakes and lifes to short to hold a grudge, so I'm not going to hold one. I just want people to realize that you have to do what makes you happy regardless of what others say. You also have to realize that if you always have a plan you will most likely always be dissapointed because life works in misterious ways and it wont always turn out the way you think it should. What happens in my life to an extent are things I can control, and others are things I cant. I can't control how I feel about someone but I can control how I choose to let them back into my life. Me and Trevor are doing this slowly, with fights and late night conversations about nothing and everything at the same time. I dont expect people to understand why I'd let him back in or how I could be so stupid to do so. I just expect them to realize that it makes me happy and it makes me sad but if people gave up on me everytime I made mistakes then I would be one lonely human being. Trevor isnt perfect and I never asked him to be so why would I punish him for it? We all hurt each other sometime or another and its not about that, its about what you choose to do after you hurt that person that matters, how you choose to fix it. I no longer need to explain myself. I think the only people who will understand is Trevor and I and quite frankly its our buisness anyways. My life is far from perfect and far from being anyones example of a how to guide, but thats what makes it beautiful. Everyone's life is beautiful because it is our own, we are all just searching for what makes us happy. Just remember to do what makes you happy and don't take everything so seriously, you dont get out alive anyways. When in doubt, just wing it.

This Is...

The story

of me. I have realized that I have not even informed you of the kind of woman I am. I'm guessing you have learned a lot about me from the blogs I post. It may seem that I am a woman who is hurt often, and has many trials. I want people to know that I am much more than that. I do laugh multiple times a day, and I am almost never not smiling. I am a happy person, its just easy to write about whats hurting me.I guess I'll start off by saying that I only have one true friend her name is Emily, her and my family mean the world to me. I always have to put that first, because when people ask about me I tell them how important they are to me. They make me the silly crazy woman I am. The next thing that I find also very important is that you will never see me drinking milk. It makes me very sick to my stomach, I'll put it in my cereal but that doesnt mean I'll drink it. I am the type of woman who loves to read, hand me a book and I'll be done with it in a day or even a couple of hours. I just love reading stories that do not belong to me, that are other people's emaginations and realities. I am sarcastic, outgoing and a little bit crazy. I'd rather be camping somewhere in a tent looking up at the stars than at the biggest party ever held. The wilderness is more beautiful than any person I would ever be likely to meet at that party. Hand me a gun and I can shoot popcans all day, I feel strong handling something so powerful and actually knowing how to use it. The noise a gun makes is a totally different love story all within itself. Although I love guns I have never killed anything in my life. I kill a spider and I wanna cry for taking it away from its family. I am a hippie at heart but if I was starving you'd bet Id kill a deer for food or maybe barder my sheep for one. I am not afraid to get a little dirty, in fact when I was little I used to pretend I owned a bakery and made pies out of the mud in the garden. I like trucks for their soul purpose of off roading and getting a littly crazy in the mud. I have always wanted to live on a farm just because I like the idea of living off the land and cowboys kind of get my blood pumping too. I like any kind of music I can realate to, why stick to one genre if you can embrace it all? I have never broke a bone in my body even though  I am the clumbsiest person you will ever meet. I guess I'm just lucky. I am very emotional in the yes i do cry over Disney movies kind of way. I have never been much of a girly girl, I dont enjoy doing my hair or putting on make up, those are things I could live without but I do them so I wont scare people. I like football and watching fights more than my brother does, I guess my daddy just raised me right. I am honest and I will tell you the truth even if its something you dont wanna hear. Just remember you asked. I am the romantic type, I like to cuddle and I wouldnt mind getting love letters from a secret admirer everyday. I would hope that one day I could find someone who was willing to write me them without it being a hassle. I am a very forgiving person and it takes a lot to make me angry. I dont think I've ever hated anyone in my whole life, its more like dissapointment in the fact that someone wasnt who they said they were. I am getting pretty tired of talking about myself so I think I'll end there. That pretty much sums me up anyways. I am just a free spirit. Someone who loves to laugh and enjoy my life to its fullest because as far as I know its the only one I have.....

Moving On Up.

It's funny

how you can trust someone without them even giving you a reason to. You just fully believe that they are being honest and you have no proof you just put your trust in them, they havent gave you a reason not to but they also havent gave you a reason why you should. You just do. It's also funny when that backfires on you. When one day you catch them spilling out a lie, or even better you walk in on them living the truth they have covered up with deceit. Then that lie they have been caught telling or doing is running through your head 24/7 thats all you can think about. You even wake up in the middle of the night screaming with anger, your blood boiling with that image or sentence that also haunts your dreams. You feel nothing but hard boiling anger, there is no tears and you wish there was because it would be more satisfying and could be relased better than the anger that eats your heart away. Trust me I know exactly how it feels because I  have lived it. Recently someone I thought I loved did something that showed me the opposite. The best part is after you catch them, when they are shocked and are still trying to lie about the actions you have seen them doing. That is when the anger starts and you just want to scream at them to be honest for once because you have already caught them. The saddest part is they wont. This is because they arent good enough for the truth, they arent strong enough to stand up and admitt to the low life person that they are. The hurtful part is even though you know its a lie you still want to  beleive them, you want so badly for it to have just been a bad dream, and for the "nothing happened" speech to be the truth. You start thinking to yourself what if nothing did happen? What if I was the only one they needed and what I saw with my very own eyes was a lie? Then you muster any strength you have left in you to say no. No it was all real, I was there and I will not be manipulated, even though the truth hurts and going along with the stupid lie seems easier. I wont be a victim to anymore lies, I will no longer suffer for someone who doesnt care about me, who used me and washed me up, filled me with lies that were actually believable. It makes you angry that your actually asking yourself why your not good enough for them, why you couldnt make them happy. You just want to stop, to understand that it wasnt you, you werent the cause of someones need to be a horrible person. It hurts because you can't, because at one time that person was exactly enough for you, they were all you needed but it didnt go both ways. You were a toy, someone to be tossed around and kept for lonely nights, and in case something else didnt work out. All thats left is anger, anger towards them for not just letting you go sooner, for keeping you there, making you suffer. Angry at the person who stole them away from you because you know they were meant to be. More meant to be then you and them would have ever been, and that's because  that person is just like them. They are liars, they will fall for their trap and think that they were the only one for them and then suffer the same fate you did. You wont feel at all sad about this because that person is as awful as the person who lied to you, who led you on. You will feel satsifaction knowing that you survived and you are moving on while they get to go through the same fate of suffering, being used, and having to face the lies that they live. You will be angry for a while, and you will want to get even, my suggestion is to get even by moving on. They will regret everyday the moment they lost you because you are wonderful. You will move on and they will have to watch that in pain knowing that they are the cause of  your happiness, your happiness that doesnt include them. You no longer need them and that will hurt them more than they hurt you. You will survive and you will conquer keep your head up and remember you dont need anyone in your life who doesnt prove that they need you in theirs.