"Watch it Wiggle, See it Jiggle"

I feel like Jello.


That's right, jello. I have learned to morph around the things that surround my life. Around people, around situations. I am gooey, wiggly, sticky jello. I have learned to be strong, but easy to swallow. You never know what you are capable of, what you can withstand until you try it. Jello doesn't need to be chewed, it stays in its form and finds a way to slither down your throat. Jello can withstand your swallowing without having to be broken down into small little pieces. I can withstand a breakup, a new job, a new apartment. I can morph. I can do anything I set my mind too. I come and I conquer and I leave with all my pieces. But how long can I do that? We all know that once Jello hits your stomach it dissolves and it disappears into a big pile of water and sugar. How long will I be like jello in its mixed, ready to go form? How bad will it hurt when I dissolve? When I am broken down into my purest form? Should I be scared? Would it be such a bad thing to finally break wide open like a stitched up cut? I think dissolving isn't such a bad thing, Jello dissolves to please. I have this persona about myself, I stand so strong, so willing to fight, to morph around the obstacles in my life. So well put together, like Jello. I am a mold,standing tall in the aspect of my life. I want to be able to break, to say hey, that actually bugs me, or hey I am allowed to cry too. I am allowed to dissolve and melt as long as I want. I want to allow myself to make mistakes, allow myself to show people that I am not just a mold. I too want to let loose, I too want to find my freedom and my place in this world. I want to find love and let it in instead of putting up this wall of steel. I feel like Jello, but even Jello is allowed to change, to dissolve, to let itself break down, to sometimes be a little weak.

Remember What You Got

I think

we all forget how much there is to live for. While your over there complaining that you don't make enough money, someone is starving and just had their power shut off. While you complain that you didn't get a close enough parking spot someone else has to walk to and from work everyday because they cant afford a car. I am sorry if you take offense to this but this generation is weak. This generation is built off of feeling sorry for ourselves when things don't quite work out. Its built off of complaining about every bad thing that happens to us from the moment we wake up until we go to sleep at night. We forget that there is still good, we forget about the little things that can bring joy to our lives because we are so busy complaining about the bad. I am sick of freaking listening to it to be honest... Yes it sucks you have to be on probation, but you made the choices that led you there. Yes it sucks that your boyfriend broke up with you but maybe it wasn't meant to be and there is someone better out there for you. While you got the news that your cell phone was shut off, someone else got the news that they have cancer. It could always be worse, yes it could always be better too, but it can always be worse. Stop complaining about the little petty things that happen to you, are they fixable? Will they eventually go away? Yes. Some other peoples issues are ten times worse than yours. Think about that for a second.. 52% of Utahns are homeless, 41% of them are families and 1 out of 50 of them are school aged children. In 2015, an estimated 1,658,370 new cases of cancer will be diagnosed in the U.S. and 589,430 people will die from the disease. In 2009 a rape was reported every 9.5 hours in Utah. Salt Lake City has one of the highest average rape rates in the state at 93 per 100,000.  How big does your problems feel now? I have my down days but I always try to remember these things, I always try to remember how insignificantly small my problems are compared to others around the world. Most of my problems will go away, will fade, unlike the side effects of rape, cancer, or sleeping on the streets. It is hard for me to be proud of the generation I live in, the generation that takes pride in selfie sticks and Facebook posts. The generation who forgets how special it is to pay for the car behind you in the drive through. The generation who doesn't understand that there are bigger issues than it being a Monday or your phone breaking. Take a look around you, open your eyes and see that you are not the only one struggling, you are not the only one with problems and your problems often do not even compare to someone else's. Be humble, be helping, remember when you're in the middle of complaining about that speeding ticket or your computer not working that these things are fixable, small issues compared to that stranger you saw sleeping in a card board box, wondering when they will get their next meal. Talk about the positive things and embrace life! Stop focusing on how stressed you are and remember how blessed you are! <3

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Hey Mr Heart Throb

His

kiss shattered my heart like glass, falling to my living room floor, how good it felt to be broken. This was a different kind of broken, the magnificent kind. I never wanted to be put back together, I wanted my heart to stay there, at his feet in a thousand different pieces. He was worth breaking for, he was my new found heart throb. When he kissed me I felt it inside my bones, they rattled under my skin threatening to jump out and into his arms. This could be it I told myself, I could get lost here in his soul quenching eyes and his breath taking kiss. This moment, in my living room with him, this could be my new destruction and oh how deeply I love to be destroyed, getting torn apart in the arms of my heart throb.

Saving Prince Charming?

Why

are there all these men that want me to come along and save them? I don't want to save anyone, I want someone I can stand beside while they save themselves. It is not my job to fix a guys broken heart that happened from their last girlfriend, its not my job to cure their loneliness, or to make them smile again. I do not want to be any of that for a man. I want men do all those things for themselves so that they can want me for who I really am, not just a helper but a woman. I want a guy who is independent and a strong healer of themselves. I don't want to fill a void or an empty hole inside them, I want to be an add on, someone who improves things that don't really need improving but it feels wonderful to have it anyways. I don't want needy, some one who claims they would die without me. I want a man who is strong enough to live without me but just wouldn't want to because he can choose not to. A man like that is someone worth being with. A man who understands that I am a choice and a mighty good one at that. One who chooses me over and over, not out of loneliness or fear of where I would be without him but because he truly enjoys choosing me, he enjoys the happiness I bring to his already happy life. I want a man who is optimistic about life, who understands that no matter how bad things are they could be worse, and they can get better. I don't want a man so full of self pity that he cannot see when I am sad too. I don't want a man who only talks about his issues and not his positives. I want a man that believes in himself, believes in his strength and his ability to conquer anything with or without me, but he would rather do it with me. I want a man who doesn't push me sexually or mentally. I want a man who knows when I have had enough arguing and gives me space. I want a man who isn't so afraid of being single that he chooses me. A man who doesn't believe that "single" is enough of an excuse to jump into a relationship. I want a man who took his time choosing me, took the time to make sure that I could be the one. I want a man who is picky about who he dates and even pickier about who he chooses to be his girlfriend. I do not want to save a man I want a man who has already saved himself. I think its important to know how to be strong and independent while your alone, that way you can be strong and independent for the woman you want to be with. No woman wants to save you, shes to busy saving herself.

Why Aren't You Texting Me Back?!

If I happen

to text you back I must really like you. I found this new thing in being single, its called freedom. I have grown to hate texting and to realize that in some point and time with humans on earth, texting didn't even exist and those relationships survived. I get sick of typing when I could be talking to you in person, I get sick of sending a text that gets taken the wrong way or ends up getting read by someones friend. Texting is so impersonal, when someone says ooh they texted me back they must like me! NO, it takes two seconds for someone to press some keys on a phone and sound like they mean what they say. Show me your face, stop hiding behind a screen, lets meet in person so that I can tell from your facial expressions if you meant what you said during our late night texting sessions... yes its convenient, but so is the fact that you have a car and some legs and that I just happen to have a doorbell for you to ring when you get here. Since I am single I have found a plethora of dating websites, where we message back and forth and always, at least once I get asked by a complete stranger "lets cuddle" no! I am not going to cuddle you, man I have never even seen in person! Do you know what "lets cuddle" is? Its a conversation filler for "I don't know what to say so I'll say something that makes it seem like I like you" yet this guy doesn't even know my favorite color yet or the fact that I don't like tomatoes, he just knows that I have boobs, look a lot like the other girl he just asked to cuddle with, and that I have brown hair. I am not just picking on men, women do it too, with their flirty heart faces and their winky faces or their "sure come cuddle!" message sent to a guy they have never even seen and most likely wont. Then once you get in a relationship its all about "WHY DIDN'T YOU TEXT ME BACK?!! WHAT WERE YOU DOING?! where are you at? who are you with? when will you be home?! oh.. your at work? shame on me.... we have all done it... in fact I have when I used to be that controlling texter...Back in the day I am pretty sure that would be called harassing... are we all that insecure? That we have to have someone texting us 24/7 all day every day? Do you need someone that far up your butt in order to function or to say they like you? When I don't respond to someones text it goes like this:
Them: well your not texting me back. Hope everything is going okay. Hope you had a good day and your not mad at me. :) talk to you later, or whenever!
Me: I am sorry I was busy.... everything's fine. Have a good day. :)
Them: Busy doing what? Ooh.. just fine?
Me: Something besides texting..... yep.
Them: Oh. I see how it is! Talk to you later then...

People get so defensive on if I don't want to text! Its nothing against you, its that maybe I am with family or with actual people who I want to give my attention to instead of staring at a bright screen and asking them huh? a million times because I am to busy "texting". I am ready to put my phone down and I wish that was okay with the rest of the world in fact I wish the rest of the world would join me...

Tattoos, Cigarettes, and Cold Shoulders

Feeling free

is a feeling that I will never part with. This last weekend I went to Crystal hot springs with some of my friends and some new acquainted friends. There was a new acquaintance that came, he was a boy and I thought he was very attractive he had blue eyes and perfect teeth. He had tattoos and smoked cigarettes (the smoking part was very unattractive) but I have a tendency to fall for men like that, men who are boys. Who pretend to be withdrawn, to pretend that the don't know how to love and don't know how to quit smoking. I threatened to throw him in the pool when we first got there and he said we will see with a smirk on his face. The moment I walked out of the women's locker room he chased me, threw me over his shoulder, and jumped into the pool with me. I died of laughter as he said "I told you we'd see" We clicked. From the moment I saw him getting into the car to come with us. I could feel it, it felt natural to be around him, to laugh with him. We spent a lot of the time at Crystal goofing off and laughing together, he danced with me to, as he called it, "the song in his head" he spun me around in the murky hot water while humming like it was the only thing he knew how to do. I laughed and asked him what we were doing and he said we were dancing even though he has never danced before. I felt free. That moment was my moment of freedom, everyone was staring at us but I just didn't care. He held my hand the rest of the trip and we took turns dunking each other under the salty water. My cousin was with us and she asked, so do you like him? Do you think you two will date? I hated her questions because I didn't want to think of them, I didn't want my hopes to overwhelm me, I just wanted to live in that moment I was having with a stranger who had tattoos and blue eyes. Just like a lot of other moments I have had in my life, that one too came to an end. Me and my cousin spent the rest of the night with tattoo boy and his brother who my cousin was dating, laughing and having fun. I fell asleep on his couch and woke up at 8:00 am with a blanket he had covered me up with. I went home while he was still sleeping, without getting his number and without telling him mine. I had hoped he would ask his brother to ask my cousin for it, but he never did.... his brother messaged me telling me sorry if his brother never talks to me, that's just the way he "is". whatever that means.... I am that kind of girl I guess "Its just the way I am":... the kind to fall for boys who don't know how to love. Who don't know how to call you back, ask for your number, or say sorry for leading you on... who are to afraid for next steps, friendships, and long term promises but you see, that is okay. Its okay because I can feel free. I can live in moments and literally dance in them. I can have fun and remember what joy someone brought me even if it was for a split second in my life. I expect more from people than they are willing, or can give and that is my flaw. Love just doesn't happen like that... life just doesn't happen like that. Not everyone will want you like you want them but just remember, that is okay because these moments, the little ones like dancing in a hot tub they make up your life and your life is pretty damn magnificent all on your own, without a boy who doesn't know how to love, who doesn't know how to say sorry or to have friends. Stop expecting and just live!!

What Does Seven Years Mean to You?

When 

your very first long time friendship falls apart try not to cry, actually I take that back. Cry as much as you want because it hurts I know. Its like your first serious breakup all over again. You never thought you and your ride or die, stand by you forever, friendship would end but sometimes with adulthood they do end. The friendship cant survive under the weight of life and its the most horrible thing to ever happen.  Mine ended at the first of this month, when I made a decision, a decision that I didn't want to pretend any longer that the inevitable was happening. My best friend and I had been growing apart for months and months, no more long phone calls, hardly any texts, we started fighting about not talking constantly. I was starting to not even know who she was, maybe it was my fault, maybe it was hers or maybe I can just blame it on life itself. She is on a different level of life than I am, she has a beautiful little girl and will soon be getting married to the love of her life, but me, I wont be there to attend (I don't think I am invited any longer). I took myself off of the maid of honor duty... I started to feel like I wasn't included in the wedding, I started to feel like I was asked to help plan a wedding for someone I hardly knew. I felt misplaced, pushed away, used, and really really sad.  I am not blaming her, I love her with all my heart. I am blaming our growth as individuals. I am growing into the young adult I have been trying to be, with attending two schools and juggling work and family time and she is growing into a woman, a woman I really do admire. She has bought a house, is settling down with someone special, maybe that's why we avoid talking.... our lives are just so different now maybe we can no longer relate to one another and that is what life does to you. I was crushed to be the bad guy, to tell her how much the pretending to be close was killing me. Her response will forever be in my head repeating itself; "Shows me what seven years of friendship means to you Meag" it killed me, every second of it, the fact that she has now deleted me off of Facebook, the fact that she is angry at me for a friendship that had already started to end and wasn't my fault. It ended the moment we stopped talking for whatever reason, the moment we stopped confiding in each other and calling each other when we were sad, stressed, or even happy. I am just as angry as she is for the loss of our friendship, I am angry about how much I feel replaced by a man she loves, how much she no longer confides in me and confides in him instead. I am angry that I cant understand that because I have never been in love, I have never attempted marriage or moved in with anyone. I cannot begin to understand what she is going through because I have never been there but I also couldn't continue to try so hard to understand when life would push me away from her. One of the friendships I hold most dearest to my heart has ended... and my life will forever be changed by that. I will always love my best friend because no matter what that is what she will be, no matter how much our friendship has died or grown apart. I wish her the very very best in life always. An ending of a friendship is hard, very hard and I hope you never have to experience that or have to be the one to say you are sick of hurting over a friendship that is falling apart. Life isn't always easy and I am sorry for that, but the hard moments are what gives us strength just remember that. People enter and leave your life for a reason weather you like it or not, embrace it.